Author's Note: I do not own The Loud House or any other story depicted. I also make no money from it.
Sin Kids fanfics start out with Lincoln Loud in his car at the driveway, right?Also, all music shown belong to their respective owners. I spent HOURS deciding on this.
Lincoln's Gonna Get Beaten Tonight!
Seven o' clock is not an unusual time for Lincoln to arrive home from work. Pulling into his driveway for what feels to be the millionth time, it would take several minutes with no help from the radio since all it does at this time is play commercials before composing himself and getting out of the car and into the Franklin Avenue house.
"When you walk away, you don't hear me say, pleeeease, oh baby, don't go.
Simple and clean is the way that you're making me feel-"
Loan stopped singing as soon as her dad walked in the house. Not wanting to feel embarrassed.
Lincoln noticed that she was playing Kingdom Hearts 3, it's one of the many games that made her hog the television. She has a $1500 gaming PC that her mother paid for and she keeps using it less and less.
"Why is so dark?" Said Lincoln as he switched on the lights.
"Umm… H-hi daddy."
Annoyed, Lincoln firmly speaks.
"Loan! Cut off that game! You got college next week!"
The idea of community college was terrifying for Loan, she barely got out of High School and that was four years ago.
"Oh god. I'm gonna need my meds!"
"There's gotta be SOMETHING here!"
Lincoln's 14 year old daughter, Liby is seen checking out a mostly empty refrigerator. Sliced bread, butter, mustard. That's it.
"Liby, your mom is going grocery shopping tomorrow! You should have eaten dinner already! Now close that refrigerator! You're making everything warm! You got school next week!"
"Dad! I'm STARVING! Just... okay... looks like it's just toast for now."
"Gonna go play some football!"
Lacy is seen rushing down the stairs, being very careful not to trip and fall like she did once before.
"Lacy, it's 7 P.M! It's time to get ready for bed! You got school next week!"
"Dad… I… I can't believe this!"
Lacy storms back up the stairs.
With Loan back in her room, Lemy and Lupa are seen watching Dr. Phil.
"So you… you ask people… this is two and a half cups. And...you want people to build up to drinking a gallon of this a day?"
"Why does this sound so familiar?" Questioned Lemy.
Lupa takes her eyes off the T.V. and focuses her gaze on her younger brother.
"Change the channel."
Lemy extends his arm with the remote in his hand, only for it to get snatched by Lincoln.
"AH! AH! AH! AH! The only thing you two need to be watching is watching out for the school bus! Go upstairs, you got school next week!"
After only five minutes of having the living room to himself, Lincoln notices his younger sister, Lisa, approaching him.
"Hey, Lis."
"Lincoln… as much as I am flattered that you care about the education and the future of all the kids, we would all very much appreciate it if you would KINDLY soften your tone a little."
"I'm sorry. I just… don't feel like myself today. I guess I'm just not used to getting smothered by kisses from at least twelve lovely women the second I get home. Now that I think about it, where are the rest of our sisters by the way?"
"They're actually at the movie theater right now. With Lyra and Liena. I don't exactly know why they're there, this family as a whole can't possibly be any closer but…" Lisa shrugs.
"Well, whatever the reason, it is nice to see the house be a little bit quieter for once."
"Oh yeah, that reminds me…"
Lisa gives Lincoln a folded piece of paper.
"You gotta be kidding me? A shopping list?"
"OH THANK GOD!" Shouted Liby, who is in the kitchen.
"Luan won't be able to find the time to shop tomorrow. She said something came up. A work related issue. After closely examining the schedule none of us really have the time either, so we, of course meaning YOU, better do it today while we have time."
"Rabbits.
My adorable, sweet, perfect rabbits.
That's what I like to call you guys."
Lincoln is seen outside the Supermart, leaning against the hood of his car, staring at the night sky.
"You are all my family.
There is no beauty anywhere else that can compare to what you all have shown me throughout all those nights.
My sisters. My daughters.
Sure, it is illegal. With the whole age of consent and all that. But they all came unto-"
*CRACK*
Eminem ft. Nate Dogg- Till I Collapse
Till I collapse I'm spilling these raps long as you feel em
Till the day that I drop, you'll never say that I'm not killing them
Cause when I am not, then I am; stop pinning them.
And I'm not hip-hop and I'm just not EMINEM!
"OW! Where the hell did THEY come from!?
The guy in with the blue bandana fucking punched me!
OH GOD! Why are they stomping on me!? I'm already on the ground!
LORI! LYNN! LOLA! WHERE ARE YOU!?
YOUR BROTHER AND HUSBAND NEEDS YOU!
I TASTE BLOOD!
The football player's got on some heavy shoes. How long are they gonna stomp me out!?
It's like they're trying to send me to the hospital. I've already been there twice this month!
My ears are burning. All I keep hearing is, 'bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch.'"
The football player is 44 year old Lincoln "Rocket" Loud.
He made sure to wear extra heavy shoes for this occasion.
There's just no way he's gonna just let this slide. As a father of a REAL family, he knows that what he is doing is right.
"Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!"
The criminal cop killing hip-hop filling
Minimal swap to cop millions of Pac listeners.
You're coming with me, feel it or not you're gonna fear it
Like I showed you the spirit of God lives in us.
"I should have never agreed to this shopping trip!
Knowing them, they're all probably in my room right now, partially naked or just naked, waiting to seduce me into another night I'll never forget!
With my son who may or may not join them.
God, I hope no one pulls out their phone.
The leader of the group, Lincoln "Kronos" Loud. Came up with the idea of beating other Lincoln Louds up. He doesn't like them.
Thirteen years prior, he was locked out of his childhood home by his family because they believe he's bad luck.
Everything worked out in the end. They actually made the RIGHT choice. In his opinion.
Beating this Lincoln up made Kronos feel like he's on top of the multiverse.
He then pulls out his phone to record his friends beating the bastard up.
"THIS IS LITERALLY GOING ON WORLDSTAR!"
Till the roof comes off, till the lights out
Till my legs give out, can't shut my mouth.
Till the smoke clears out, and my high burn out
I'ma rip this shit till my bones collapse.
"Damn. I know he' shouting out Worldstar or whatever.
At least nobody is pointing a gun out at me."
The group's second in command, "L," is trained in capoeira. He used it a few times during his adventure with the other Lincoln Louds and on his original universe where he used it on Clyde McBride during the Kira investigation.
He also has a gun that he took from a zombie security guard during his time in the Dead Rising universe.
After weighing his options, he pulls it out and points it directly at Lincoln's face to frighten him.
"NEXT TIME I SEE YOU, YOU'RE DEAD!"
Until the roof
The roof comes off
Until my legs
Give out from underneath me.
I will not fall,
I will stand tall,
Feels like no one could beat me.
"WHOA! What's the gun for!? You're already beating my ass!
I hope nobody takes my wallet."
Lincoln "Mellark" Loud formerly came from a universe where the Hunger Games exists. He even won the 97th one.
He is now happily married and living with his husband in an entirely different universe.
He sings while taking Lincoln's wallet, not caring about its contents.
"There's not enough rain in Oklahoma to wash the sins out of that house. There's not enough wind in Oklahoma to rip the nails out of the past."
"AAAAAND there goes my money and family photos.
Okay, they're running off now, let me get up before they decide to come back and start kicking in my dick.
My daughters are probably gonna want to spend more time than usual with me while I recover.
AAAHHH! I'm HURT! I can't move! SOMEBODY HELP!"
Kronos and L are seen high fiving each other. Give that disgusting inbreeder Hell and face no consequences afterwards? Sounds like a plan.
"Same time next week."
"Yeah, man. Just gather the guys together and meet me at my place next time, okay?"
"You got it, Kronos."
Author's Note: Yeah, there are two Hahadavis parodies in this chapter. I just keep rolling them out, don't I.
Well, that was the first chapter of 'Things are Happening 1.5.'
This story won't be as long but look forward to chapter 2 anyway.
Thank you for reading and have a great day!