Just silly texts

by IrAura

It all begins with a job application text. Kurt wants to earn some more money and Santana gives him Gunther's mobile number. Well, maybe it's not exactly his number. Kurt will find himself chatting with someone he'd have never expected to be texting to. He's definitely gonna kill Santana for her bad joke. Or maybe.. he won't.

1. Chapter 1

11.03 AM
Santana, I'll pretend you never saw Bruce and you never mixed your toothpaste and my lotion, and I'll try not to be angry with you, since I need some help. Isabel can keep me in just for half a turn, and I need some extra money. Could you give me your boss' number? Maybe they need another pole dancer waiter or whatever you do in that place. Please, please, please.

11.15 AM
Oh, that's so kind of you, Lady Hummel. Btw, here you are. Gunther Olsen, (212) 354-2112. He doesn't like being called on his phone, so you should send him a text. He loves direct people, who "don't steal my precious time". Yeah, I'm quoting. Trust me, you'll LOVE him. Let me know if I'm gonna see you in a red skirt and high heeled boots. Bye bye sugar.

11.21 AM
Thanks. High heels sounds pretty interesting. I'll let you know. Bye, see you later.

11.23 AM
As if I didn't see the collection of shoes under your bed. Come on, stop being sarcastic, you love that stuff. And that's why you were in favor of letting that Unique guy join the Nude Erections.

12.30 AM
San! Please. First of all, Unique is a girl if she feels like one. And you should probably shut up since the sluttiest shoes come always from /your/ wardrobe.

12.32 PM
You know, Hummel? I've learned to respect everyone's choices, since I came out with Brittany. But that "girl" probably has something huge between her legs. I'm a lesbian, so I truly love girls, but I wouldn't have sex with her in a billion years. Got that?

12.34
I'm rolling my eyes at you. Now I have to write something about raincoats for this season. Buy one, they'll be a must. See you at home. Try not to stalk miss Fabray too much, got it? Bye.

12.36 PM
Hey! What do you know about me and Quinn? You better tell me..

12.41 PM
I just know you took the pic you had in your locker and you have it now on your mirror. Then, you are checking your phone like.. 3 times for second. So.. I figured it out.

12.44 PM
We're just friends, like you and Blaine. We've been together for 4 years, Hummel. Practicing day 'n night for those amazing stunts we did for Sue Sylvester's team.

12.57 PM
Yeah, and I'm sure you didn't checked her ass as I did with Blaine's. Please, I'm not so oblivious babe.

12.59 PM
You're not oblivious, you're predictable. You tapped that perfectly rounded ass while dating Doctor Who. You really are such a slut, you know that?

01.03 PM
I'm not a slut, Santana. Blaine and I are just friends, you know that. Stop it.

01.05 PM
I don't usually stuck my cock into my friends' asses. And that's not because I don't have one.

01.03 PM
Yeah, whatever. Gotta go now, I've got a text to send and a job to get! Thanks San, I owe you a favor. See you later.

01.05 PM
You can say that out loud, babe.

xxxxx

01.10 PM
Hello, I'm Kurt Hummel. I just wanted to know how much you pay for a job. I desperately need some extra money and I know that my friend already works for you, so..

01.11 PM
You know, you should stop sending me those kind of texts. It's really bothering me, and you know what it does to me whenever I get really mad at somebody. Not funny at all.

01.11 PM
Btw, Kurt Hummel? Did it take long to come up with such an awful name?

01.22 PM
..Okay, it took 10 minutes to figure out the meaning of those texts of yours and, besides a poor insult to my name, I didn't understand a thing. I need a job, and I'm asking you for one. What's wrong with that?

01.29 PM
You're really enjoying yourself, aren't you?

01.29 PM
I'm on my way to the common room, and you better be doing the same, 'cause we have our practice at 01.30. Not a minute later.

01.29 PM
But if this game pleases you, okay. Then, tell me "Kurt", how much do you want me to pay for your "job"?

01.33 PM
Common room? Wait, do I have the job already? I'm confused, and I'm obviously late. Where should I come to? And for the money, I don't know, how much do you pay my friend?

xxxxx

04.00 PM
We spent the last 2 hours and a half together and you didn't even make a witty joke about this texting stuff. You want it to be our secret?

04.01 PM
And, yes, the job is yours. You're a lucky guy.

04.01 PM
I'll try to ignore the pun about you "coming" somewhere.

04.02 PM
The last one who had this "job" didn't want a single dollar after his first day at work, 'cause I was way too good at it.

04.17 PM
Listen, I really don't understand what you mean. I'm working right now, and I didn't see you at all. Did you come here? At Vogue? Why?

06.00 PM
Vogue what?! Okay, it's enough, Smythe. I've already told you. I'm not gay. I don't watch or read that stuff you fags seem to love. Stop teasing me, cause I won't be this merciful with you again.

06.01 PM
SMYTHE?

06.02 PM
Okay, maybe something went wrong. Is this Gunther Olsen, from the pub where my friend Santana works?

07.45 PM
Gunther Olsen? Santana? What the hell is goin' on here? Do you guys have some kind of kinks about awful names or what?

08.02 PM
Sorry, I have to kill a friend of mine. When I'll have washed her blood away from my hands, I'll text you. BTW, I'm NOT Sebastian Smythe. I feel violated.

xxxxx

08.03 PM
SANTANA LOPEZ, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU.

xxxxx

09.00 PM
So, Kurt Hummel - I suppose that's your real name - why did you text me in first place? Did you really want to blow me for a bunch of dollars?

09.00 PM
Don't answer me, ok? I don't want to know.

09.01 PM
Are you even a queer?

09.02 PM
Of course you are. You work at vogue!

09.02 PM
OH GOSH, WHY AM I A GAY MAGNET?

09.03 PM
Blow you? Are you out of your mind? I don't even know your freakin name! I was looking for a REAL job. In a bar. I thought I was texting with my obviously-ex-friend's boss. And I'm not a queer, you rude. Fuck you very much.

09.03 PM
I FUCKIN HATE FAGS. DOESN'T ANYBODY HERE IN OHIO HAVE A PUSSY?

09.07 PM
..Have you finished your pointless complain? And, just to let you notice how stupid you are, I work for Vogue, SO I'M NOT IN OHIO. You don't have to trust me. You just have to erase my number and forget my name. And even punch Sebastian in the face, if you get the chance.

09.30 PM
This is so depressing. Ohio lacks girls and I'm texting with a gay guy who apparently knows my pain in the ass: Smythe.

09.31 PM
How do you know Sebastian?

09.33 PM
He made a pass at my ex boyfriend. I hate his face. But, since my enemy's enemies are friends to me.. Can I know your name, at least?

09.59 PM
You just talked about Smythe trying to fuck your ex boyfriend and you expect me not to think you're gay?

10.00 PM
Btw, I'm Clarington.

10.02 PM
Actually, I said I'm not a fag. It's pretty different.. Well, maybe not to you, but to me it definitely is. Clarington? Your name sounds familiar to me, but I can't remember why..

10.03 PM
Wait, you're the new captain of Warblers! The crazy one who stole the trophy and kept Blaine's blazer waiting for him to come back! Oh god, I'm texting a psycho.

10.05 PM
I KNEW THAT. I'm already popular among the fags - gays, I know. You just take the lead of a show choir group and there you are. Do you exchange my pics on your dating networks? Do you get off thinking of me? Again, don't tell me.

10.06 PM
SOMEONE IS CLEARLY PUNISHING ME FOR SOMETHING I DID BEFORE.

10.09 PM
God, listen. Lets make things clear, okay? I'm Kurt Hummel. I was a McKinley student till last year, when I graduated, and now I'm in New York. So there are no chances that I'll come in your room to rape you. Calm down. My ex boyfriend is Blaine Anderson, you sang with him.. That's why I know your name. THE END.

10.10 PM
No way.

10.11 PM
"No way" what, exactly?

10.11 PM
You are the famous "Kurt" who stole Blaine's heart and convinced him to leave the Warblers for a stinking public school?

10.13 PM
The one and only.

10.13 PM
That Anderson is such a talented guy. Flawless, I'd say. I should hate you for what you did to our - well, their at the time - show choir group.

10.14 PM
We sang "dark side" and, trust me, every single word he sang was for you.

10.16 PM
Yeah, Blaine is pretty charming.. I'm sorry you didn't meet him in the first place, when he was a Warbler. He was really impressing. Still, I don't completely agree with that "flawless" you used..

10.20 PM
Actually, it was Sebastian who used that term. You feel him in the air, don't you?

10.21 PM
I do. I hate him with every fiber of my being.

10.22 PM
You made that clear, I swear.

10.22 PM
So can we stop talking about him?

10.22 PM
What exactly did he do to you?

10.23 PM
He tried to tap Blaine's ass. And luckily I found out he was about to try on him, or I would be even more cuckold than I am today.

10.25 PM
Isn't Blaine able to defend himself?

10.28 PM
Obviously you don't know Blaine very well.

10.30 PM
Well, I don't.. But I don't like dudes who can't stand up for themselves.

10.30 PM
Gotta go. Warbler practice tomorrow morning.

10.31 PM
I'm telling you this just because you're not in the New Directions anymore.

10.32 PM
Are you kidding me? You guys go to sleep so early? We won't talk very much tonight. Or maybe this is just a way to say "well, Kurt Hummel, I'm bored!" and you are saying goodbye. So, goodbye.

10.33 PM
Or maybe you are just sleepy, this is not a goodbye and I'm sounding rude. Well, in that case.. I'm sorry, goodnight.

10.34 PM
I was trying to fall asleep, but apparently you decided to keep our conversation on until you'll decide that it's time to go to bed.

10.35 PM
So, what do you want to talk about?

10.37 PM
You don't sleep cause of me, already. I usually reach that point around the sixth or seventh date.

10.38 PM
Kidding, just kidding, Mr. Straight.

10.40 PM
It's been two whole hours since somebody flirted with me. And with somebody, I mean a guy, not a chick. I was beginning to worry about my sex appeal.

10.41 PM
Kidding, it's been less than ninety minutes.

10.44 PM
Let me guess.. One of my old schoolmates? And don't ever doubt, I'm sure you are as charming as it comes.

10.45 PM
Your old what?

10.47 PM
Late night's news: I used to be a Warbler, too.

10.48 PM
As I told you, I don't know much about you and Anderson. Why did you leave the Warblers?

10.48 PM
And yes. It was one of your old mates.

10.51 PM
I wasn't polemic, I was just answering.. I transferred to Dalton from my old school, where I've been bullied for years. You know, pretty much the fag thing you used earlier, plus some violence and a beginning of emotional abuse. Dalton was a safe place. When things got easier at McKinley, I came back. Blaine followed me 6 months later.

10.52 PM
That's so romantic of you! How cute.. But, what about the happily ever after?

10.52 PM
Now that I've had my bedtime story, I can go to sleep again. I feel so blessed.

10.54 PM
No need to be sarcastic, thanks. Maybe you've never been put through something like that, so you shouldn't judge. And THIS is a goodbye.

10.55 PM
Good night, sleep tight..

10.56 PM
I hope Sebastian will rape you in your sleep. Good night.

10.56 PM
If he doesn't wake me up, that's ok.

10.58 PM
I have his number, Hunter Clarington. I could forward to him this last text.. Don't play with fire.

10.59 PM
You really are unbelievable, Kurt Hummel. Are you challenging me? I come from a military academy and, trust me, your hard times weren't even close to MY hard times.

11.03 PM
I'm not challenging you at all. I am sure Sebastian does it enough every day. Good luck with your nerves.

11.03 PM
Quick, fall asleep! In four hours you'll have to make your bed and be ready for the morning swore statement.

11.05 PM
I can't turn off my phone, 'cause I've got some family issues to keep after. And it keeps shaking on my night stand. It's so annoying. I'm gonna crush it against the wall, if you don't stop texting me. So, Hummel, send me your last text. Tell me what's keeping you from leaving me alone and then disappear.

11.07 PM
I find you interesting. That's all for today, over and out.

11.10 PM
Big news.

11.11 PM
Bye, Kurt..

xxxxx

11.11 PM
HUNTER FUCKING CLARINGTON?! Don't linger on your work place, Santana. Come back home immediately.

11.22 PM
Be there in two hours, as usual.

11.23 PM
You better be.