Birdman Coast to Coast
Second Pilot
Cut to Lokar sitting on a chair.
Lokar: Hello fellow Earthlings, some of you might not have known it, but Birdman actually taped another pilot in 1995...and after 11 years, it got greenlighted for 12 more episodes to be made. But over the years, before it go greenlighted, Birdman had some problems like his drug problem, his divorce, and rehab. He then became a lawyer with his buddy, Avenger and Birdboy, also known as "Peanut", he worked for Falcon 7 or his real name "Phil Ken Sebben". So, yes...the show's finally done! Enjoy the second pilot which was filmed in 1995.
Opening credits.
Phil: (V.O): Welcome to Birdman Coast to Coast, tonight's guests are Michael Jackson, Tom Arnold and Space Ghost! Ha, ha...Ghost. Here's your host...
Cut to a set built on the Sun, cut inside as Birdman flies down to the set.
Birdman: BIRRRRRRDMAN!
Cut to Peanut or "Birdboy" in the music desk.
Peanut: And I'm Birdboy.
Cut to Avenger in the control room.
Avenger: COR!
Cut to the set.
Birdman: That's my director and trusty sidekick, Avenger.
Avenger: COR!
Birdman: And Falcon 7 is my announcer.
Cut to Phil or "Falcon 7" in the announcer booth.
Phil: Thank you, ha...ha...thanks.
Birdman: Okay, anyone read the newspaper today.
Peanut: No.
Birdman: Well I didn't, while Space Ghost Coast to Coast in it's second season, I'm stuck here filming a lousy pilot that won't get off the ground.
Pause.
Birdman: Don't you get that?
Peanut: Nope.
Birdman: Pilot...ground?
Pause.
Birdman: It's a pun you idiot! A lousy pilot that won't get off the ground!
Peanut: That seems more "punny" then funny.
Birdman: Oh God, you ruined my opening monologue!
Avenger: COR!
Birdman: Shut up Avenger! I thought a retired superhero from the '60s will get more respect around here like that annoying Space Ghost does. I mean, his only funny because of that idiot Zorak!
Avenger: COR! COR!
Birdman: Okay Avenger, send him in.
Cut to a TV going to static on Birdman's desk, then it reveals Michael Jackson.
Birdman: Greetings, yadda yadda...what's your name?
Michael: Hello, uh...Space Ghost.
Birdman: It's Birdman! Not that you know lady.
Michael: Actually I'm a man.
Pause.
Birdman: Oh...oh...crap, I'm sorry...
Michael: Michael. Michael Jackson.
Birdman: Hey, Avenger...why did you Leon...that guy from that show that that are all yellow.
Michael: Actually, I am Michael Jackson...I played him.
Birdman: You did, well I don't see how you can play an animated character when your not animated yourself!
Michael: Ha.
Birdman: Huh, wise guy?
Michael: They say executives like animated shows so much, because they can fire and replace people and they won't know the difference.
Birdman: Is that true... (Voice changes to "Scott Finnell" version)...because if it was, the person doing my voice would've been fired by now.
Michael: What's wrong with your voice?
Birdman: Nothing, that's what! (Voice changes to the normal "Gary Cole" version) Say, Michael...is it true when you filmed a Pepsi commercial last year...you hair got caught on fire?
Michael: Please, I don't want to be reminded of that gruesome incident.
Birdman: I'll remind of anything I want to remind you off, now...tell me!
Michael: What's your name again?
Birdman: Don't you change the subject on me..."Michael Jackson".
Peanut: Just leave the guy alone.
Birdman: Okay, I'm just going to think of plans of how to kidnap Zorak...to make this pilot funnier so they can make it to a series.
Peanut: Okay, whatever...
Michael: What's your name?
Peanut: Birdboy, but you can call me "Peanut".
Birdman :( thinking to self): Okay, so then...WHAT! Peanut? What sort of name is that?
Peanut: It's my real name, just like Falcon 7's real name is "Phil Ken Sebben".
Birdman: Can I call him Phil.
Cut to the booth.
Phil: Ha, ha. Real name revealed.
Michael: Hello.
Birdman: Shut up "Wacko Jacko".
Michael: I deny being crazy in anyway.
Birdman: We're having an argument, okay.
Peanut: Listen, we are now your real name isn't "Harvey Birdman"...it's Ray Randall.
Birdman: Don't tell everyone my secret identity!
Peanut: And also everyone knows your powers come from the Sun.
Birdman: Don't tell everyone that!
Peanut: Well, we're just saying because people are going to be wondering "while is the set on the Sun" because you can't do the show at night without the power of the Sun!
Birdman: Shut up! I might as well tell everyone you sleep with a teddy at night.
Peanut: That's going too far!
Peanut leaves.
Birdman: Well...uh, where am I going to get a musical director?
Cut back to Lokar in the chair.
Lokar: That's when I came in, boys and girls. When Bob the dirrrrrector rang me up, it took awhile to get to the Sun, by then Michael Jackson ended the transmission. When we come right back, we'll show the "Tom Arnold" interview which caused controversy when someone went home with a fracture in the arm, severe cuts, bruises and set alight, oh and I think a broken collar-bone I don't know. But, you sure as Hell it wasn't me.
Pause.
Lokar: Okay, it was me! Happy now!
Cut to commercial.
Cut back to Lokar on the chair.
Lokar: Hello boys and girls, missed me during commercial? Well, now we'll show the Tom Arnold interview. Roll the tape, Moltar.
Cut to Moltar.
Moltar: Eh, sure.
Moltar pushes down the lever which reveals Birdman in the announcer both with Phil.
Birdman: Listen Phil, Michael left, Peanut left...so I want you to introduce Tom, okay?
Phil: What about the new musical director, Birdman? Ha, ha...bird.
Birdman: Uh, introduce him as well.
Birdman flies back to the desk.
Birdman: Welcome back, fellow citizens.
Cut to Lokar.
Lokar: That's Space Ghost, you hack. Only he says "fellow citizens".
Birdman: No it's not, I don't want to be anything like Space Ghost.
Lokar: I've been in enough episodes to know what he says, and that's what he exactly says.
Phil: (V.0): Please welcome our new musical director...Lokar.
Sound clip of audience clapping.
Lokar: Yeah, you also stole the whole "Coast to Coast" thing.
Birdman: Shut up!
Sound clip of people booing.
Birdman: Boo yourselves!
Birdman blasts straight forward.
Lokar: Huh, you hit Avenger.
Birdman: Shut up! I'm going to kidnap Zorak, now!
Birdman flies off.
Pause.
Phil: (V.0): Is here coming back?
Lokar: Listen, Phil...doesn't thy speak into the microphone okay, only to introduce people...by the way, you have Tom on hold.
Phil: (V.O): Okay, sorry.
Lokar: I heard that.
Avenger: COR!
Avenger flies to the desk.
Phil: (V.O): And here is our new host, Avenger.
Avenger: COR!
Lokar: This is stupid, let's go to the segment I filmed while driving to this place in my hover RV.
Cut to Lokar in the back in the RV, sitting on a couch.
Lokar: Oh, didn't see you there. It now must be time for "The Super Happy Mailbag A-Few-Second Segment With Lokar, King of the Locusts".
Audience: Hooray!
Lokar: How first letter is from Ted Turner, head of Cartoon Network. He says that "viewing his own creation turning into a Company-stein is very bad, also considering the fact Birdman stinks and Phil is a bad announcer." Well, Ted. I couldn't agree with you more, Birdman uses stolen jokes and ideas from Space Ghost, and we don't want to hear Phil's opinions on things. Thank you for writing President Turner. I salute you.
Cut to Lokar looking through the mailbag.
Lokar: Okay, here's a letter from a little 11-year old named Paul. Paul writes "You rock Lokar, I wish everyone was just like you...Birdman just plain sucks and Phil is just an idiot amused by the words he says, and Avenger can't talk. You rock King Lokar! All hail the king of the locusts". Thank you Paul, I agree with you... I do rock, and if you're out there thank you for writing. Now back to Bird-for-brains.
Cut back to the gang on the set.
Avenger: COR!
Lokar: Now you can introduce Tom, Phil.
Phil: Ha, ha I was insulted...whoops, I mean...please say welcome to the next guest Tom Arnold.
Cut to Tom on the screen.
Avenger: COR!
Tom: I'm talking to an eagle? Hahahahahahaha.
Lokar: No, here's the host's "dumb" sidekick.
Avenger :( angrily): COR!
Phil: Don't insult Avenger, ha...ha...not funny.
Tom: Where's Big Bird?
Lokar starts laughing as Avenger gets angrier.
Phil: His name is Birdman, Tom.
Tom: Okay, where's Birdman then?
Pause. Lokar continues laughing.
Phil: His kidnapping Zorak from his "rival" show.
Tom: I have alot of rivals, I mean they're better then me but I like my fan's support.
Lokar: Like you have any fans...
Lokar continues laughing.
Tom: Okay, you crossed the line, you grasshopper.
Lokar stops laughing, stunned.
Lokar: I am not a grasshopper, I am...LOKAR! KING OF THE LOCUSTS!
Tom: Locust, grasshopper, mantis...they're all the same thing at the end.
Pause.
Lokar: Sure they are, Tom. Like I can call you "washed-up".
Avenger: COR!
Lokar: Shut up you stupid bird!
Avenger: COR!
Lokar: Back off.
Cut to Reducto with a shrink gun.
Reducto: Back off, I'll make you teensy.
Lokar steals Reducto's shrink gun and shrinks him to "ant size".
Reducto :( with helium-like voice): I'll shrink you to a size of a baby ant! Or though, the gun would squash me.
Lokar: That's nice.
Phil runs down.
Phil: Listen, Tom is crying.
Tom: No I'm not.
Phil: Ha, ha. I was wrong.
Tom: Notice there's this guy named "TOM" Cruise. I mean "A Few Good Men" wasn't bad, but...it wasn't really good, either.
Lokar: What are you talking about?
Phil: Yeah?
Avenger: COR!
Lokar: Shut the Hell up you two!
Avenger stares at Lokar, angrily...and then starts pecking at him real hard. Peanut walks in.
Peanut: Hi guys.
Peanut gets splattered in blood.
Peanut: What's happening?
Phil: This, ha...ha!
Peanut steps on a tiny Reducto as he screams for mercy.
Phil: Did you hear that?
Peanut: Nope.
Peanut steps off Reducto as he lies there...dead.
Reducto: I'll be back.
Phil gets splattered in blood.
Phil: Ha, ha! Sauce.
Peanut: You mean...blood.
Phil: Yeah, whatever...whatever your name is.
Peanut: It's Peanut, we've meet numerous times.
Pause.
Phil: Sure.
Peanut: It's true.
Pause.
Phil: You know what else is funny? Brad Bird.
Tom: Yeah, it's a laugh riot Phil.
Pause.
Phil: Sure.
Avenger flies back to the desk as he leaves a severely injured Lokar to death.
Cut back to Lokar in the chair.
Lokar: I couldn't bear to see me like that. See you after this break for the conclusion of the Tom Arnold interview and see Space Ghost get interviewed, as he rubs in his success. See you boys and girls.
Cut to Commercial.
Cut back to Lokar in the chair.
Lokar: Welcome back to the show, you know what. I learned something on June 1st 1995, don't insult Avenger. He looks cute and fuzzy, but he can really make a guy half-dead. So here's the final conclusion to...
Cut to the news alien.
News Alien: News just in, Space Ghost celebrates Let's Hate Birdman Together Day, the day Space Ghost and several of his fans unite for their hatred for Earth hero Birdman, aka Harvey Birdman, aka Ray, aka Ray Randall. That is all.
Cut back to Lokar.
Lokar: ...Birdman Coast to Coast.
Cut back to the "Birdman" set.
Tom: How's Lokar?
Peanut is back in the music desk.
Peanut: His at the First Aid place, over near the toilet.
Tom: So, Birdman still isn't back yet?
Peanut: Nope.
Cut to Avenger, in a cage at the control room.
Avenger: COR!
Cut back to the set.
Peanut :( subtitled in Japanese): So I'm going to talk to you until Harvey comes back.
Cut to a breakdancing Dr. Nightmare then back to the set.
Bob (the executive from SGC2C episodes "Rehearsal" and "Pilot") enters.
Bob: Hi, Peanut...where's Harvey?
Peanut: (speaking in Japanese, subtitled in Japanese): I don't where he is.
Tom: What's the matter?
Bob: Because Lokar is now suing us for assault! His getting his lawyer Dr. Nightmare!
Cut back to a breakdancing Dr. Nightmare. Back to the set.
Bob: And if Lokar wins, we'll have to give him ALL our money combined.
Tom: What? And why isn't anyone talking to me.
A second Lokar walks up to the screen.
Lokar II: Because you're dumb.
Tom: Hey, Lokar...you're better.
Lokar II: No, I'm Lokar the second.
A third Lokar enters.
Lokar III: I'm the third Lokar.
Peanut: What the heck is going on?
Phil: Ha, ha. I can't hear.
Then a whole batch of Lokars appears.
Lokars: We're all Lokar.
Lokar IV: You nearly killed our master, King Lokar.
Peanut: Lokar is a king?
Lokar V: Yes, he is the king of the locusts!
Tom: No, his a grasshopper.
Lokar II: You take that back, Tom Arnold!
Tom: Hahahahaha, this is weird s#!t.
Lokar VI: YOU say WE are weird.
Bob: For a show that's supposed to be Birdman Coast to Coast, it plays like Lokar Coast to Coast.
Lokar III: That's a good idea! Lokar Coast to Coast.
Bob: Uh, crap.
Peanut: We're doomed.
Phil: Ha, ha...
Pause.
Phil: ...doom.
Tom: This is an f#ked up show.
Lokar IV: It's just a pilot...that won't get off the ground.
Tom starts laughing as Birdman crashes through with Zorak.
Birdman: It took me awhile, but I finally kidnapped Zorak.
Zorak: Uh, crap.
Peanut: Hey, Birdman. He stole your joke.
Birdman: What joke?
Lokar III: Yeah, it's just a pilot that won't get off the ground.
Tom laughs.
Birdman: How dare you steal MY joke?
Birdman blasts the horde of Lokars as they become rotting corpses.
Birdman: That's what you get for stealing my ORGINAL joke.
Zorak: This stinks.
Pause.
Zorak: The show and the corpses.
Tom starts laughing.
Birdman: That's great, do more jokes.
Bob: Harvey, he just said your show "stinks".
Birdman: I know what he said.
Birdman blasts Zorak.
Zorak: UGGGGGHHHHHH! My eyes!
Birdman: That'll teach you. Say, you're Tom Arnold.
Tom: Yep.
Cut to a "re-generated" Zorak.
Zorak: I went Hell & back, baby.
Birdman: You're my favourite actor.
Tom: Yep.
Zorak: You listen to me.
Birdman: I like you.
Tom: That's great, heh.
Zorak: I am Zorak, I kidnapped two teenagers...I can kidnap a host with a brain of a teenager.
Cut to Birdman in a hippie outfit, smoking pot.
Birdman: Whatever.
Tom: That's funny.
Birdman is back to normal.
Zorak: I wish you'll dead.
Birdman starts laughing.
Birdman: That doesn't make any sense!
Zorak: I kill you Birdman.
Birdman continues.
Zorak: Silence!
Lokar walks out, with a cast on his legs and arms, as a light bulb falls on his head and sits him on fire.
Zorak: Heh, heh. You're on fire.
Birdman blasts Lokar.
Zorak: Heh, heh. His dead.
Tom: I can't believe this show.
Birdman: Crazy as Hell.
Tom: Sure it's just a pilot?
Birdman: Crazy as a stake monkey on the fourth of July.
Zorak: Don't bag stake monkeys.
Zorak, then sets Birdman on fire...with his eyes.
Bob: Listen guys, we have to get room for the Space Ghost interview. Let's just get this horrible actor out of here.
Birdman: Don't bag Tom Arnold!
Birdman blasts Bob.
Birdman: I want to keep Tom Arnold, feed him...love him...marry him.
Cut to Birdman marrying Tom Arnold in a wedding chapel.
Priest: Harvey Birdman, do you take Tom Arnold to your lawful wedded husband.
Birdman: I do.
Priest: Do you Tom Arnold, take Harvey Birdman as your lawful wedded husband.
Tom: Hell no!
Birdman gets angry, and blasts Tom. Cut back to the set.
Zorak: You're married to a dead guy...wuhahahahahahaha.
Birdman: Oh well, send in Space Ghost...Avenger.
Zorak: Avenger, who'll avenge you?
Canned laughter.
Zorak: I'm so mean.
Phil: (V.O): Please welcome our next guest, animated talk show host...Tad "Space Ghost" Ghostal. Ha, ha. Fake name.
Space Ghost appears on the screen, in his desk.
Space Ghost: Hello Birdbrain.
Birdman: It's Birdman.
Space Ghost: Whatever.
Birdman: BIRRRRRRDMAN!
Space Ghost: SPACCCCCCCCCE GHOST!
Zorak: ZORRRRRRRRRRRRRAK!
Peanut: BIRRRRRRRRRDBOY!
Phil: Falcon 7. Ha, ha.
Space Ghost: Hey, Birdman what's the one thing we have in common...
Birdman: I...
Space Ghost: ...nothing! You're a failing wannabe talk-show host and I'm a talk-show host into it's second season! Ha!
Birdman: If you think you're so funny, here's a clip from your recent episode "Hungry". Roll clip Avenger.
Avenger: COR!
Clip starts rolling as Space Ghost is talking with Raymond.
Space Ghost: So, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Raymond: Uh...Locust of the 'pocalypse.
Space Ghost: Isn't that cute? He can't say apocalypse! Watch this...Hey kid, say "spaghetti".
Raymond: Pasghetti
Space Ghost starts laughing.
Space Ghost: Mmmmmm, pasghetti
Raymond: Pasghetti!
Clip ends as Space Ghost is laughing, Birdman then starts laughing.
Birdman: Yeah, you're a retard.
Space Ghost: Yeah...a what? Retard! That's what I am not.
Zorak: Yes you are.
Space Ghost: I'm a successful retard, unlike you.
Birdman: Yep, retard. Also, I heard Donny Osmond is on tomorrow night's episode. What did you do to deserve that? Ha, ha. Heh, heh.
Peanut: Did you get Marie?
Space Ghost: Just tune in tomorrow night at 11.
Birdman: And what did you do to deserve a variety show? What's it called?
Space Ghost: Cartoon Planet.
Birdman: What sort of title is that? I'd call it "The Happy Birdman Half-Hour".
Space Ghost: Yeah, well. Shut up.
Peanut: What channel?
Space Ghost: Cartoon Network. Ted Turner is the best.
Birdman: Ted Turner is gay. Gay, like you.
Space Ghost: I am not gay.
Birdman: Well, you did kill your pet monkey...Banjo...was it?
Space Ghost: (about to shed tear): Banjo?
Birdman: Roll clip Avenger.
Clip rolls.
Space Ghost: Why do we always hurt the ones we love? Why Banjo? Why! Banjo! Banjo! Banjoooooo!
Clip ends as Space Ghost cries.
Space Ghost: Banjo was soooo young. Why him? Why not me! I'm old!
Birdman: Old as a head full of mantises.
Zorak: Hey! I am the Lone Locust of the Apocalypse!
Zorak sets Birdman on fire again.
Zorak: I told 'ya.
Space Ghost: I'm pushing my 50s'. You?
Birdman: Same.
Space Ghost: Ha! I'm only 22! Suck on Zorak's!
Zorak: No way, Jack!
Space Ghost: Suck on it.
Birdman: No.
Zorak: No.
Space Ghost grabs his bands to position.
Space Ghost: Suck on it.
Birdman goes down out of frame as Zorak turns on a disgusted face.
Zorak: I hate you Space Ghost.
Birdman comes back up, revealing green stuff over his face.
Birdman: Uh, what's this green stuff?
Zorak: That's my funk.
Birdman: Oh.
Zorak: Which is my sperm.
Birdman: Ew.
Phil: Ha, ha. Oral sex.
Peanut: That was gross.
Peanut vomits.
Space Ghost: Ha, that just shows how I control you Birdman.
Zorak: Space Ghost, you're gay.
Space Ghost: What? It was Birdman who sucked your male juice.
Birdman: Oh man, I feel...pregnant.
Zorak: But you told him to.
Space Ghost: But, he did it.
Birdman: I feel a craving for pancakes and nut meg.
Zorak: But you told him to.
Space Ghost: But, he did it.
Birdman: I feel like I'm going to be sick.
Zorak: But you told him to.
Space Ghost: But, he did it.
Birdman: I feel like...I'M HAVING A BABY!
Zorak: Huh?
Space Ghost: What?
Peanut: How can you get pregnant? You're a male.
Pause.
Zorak: Okay...I'm a female mantis; I got a sex change back in 1962, before I starred on the original "Space Ghost" series.
Pause.
Peanut: Oh, that's wrong.
Phil: Ha, ha. Sex change.
Zorak: I covered it up.
Space Ghost: Whoa? But how come you're not the one pregnant?
Pause.
Zorak: I never thought of that.
Birdman: I need to get to the hospital.
Zorak: Oh Hell!
Birdman: I need a baby shower.
Zorak: Oh Hell!
Birdman vomits.
Birdman: Why me?
Bob walks in.
Bob: Guys, now Ted Turner is suing us.
Birdman: What now?
Bob: He says that he didn't like the comments made up him, meaning we'll be broke. We can't go through with the pilot.
Birdman: I'm pregnant here!
Bob: Oh God!
Birdman vomits.
Bob: How did this happen?
Zorak: He sucked my penis.
Bob: Ew.
Birdman: Get me to the hospital!
Cut to the hospital. A doctor walks in.
Bob: What is it Doc? Pregnancy or just sickness from sucking a mantis's cock.
Doctor: Both. The sperm which Harvey sucked up forced him to have a baby, even though it doesn't even have a womb or a uterus.
Zorak: So how is he giving birth?
Doctor: Through his mouth.
Everyone: Ew.
Doctor: Yes, I know.
Birdman keeps vomiting.
Doctor: He should be giving birth, anytime now.
Birdman keeps vomiting. He then vomits out a baby which is a bird/mantis hybrid.
Everyone: Ew!
Doctor: Why does it look like a bird and a mantis?
Zorak: Because it just does. Listen Birdman, I can't go around mothering a baby, I have commitments. So your stuck with baby Zorbird.
Zorak walks off.
Bob: Listen Harvey, I can't have my host fathering a baby. Also remember those lawsuits! Birdman...you're fired!
Birdman: Why, me?
Cut back to Lokar in the chair.
Lokar: Thus ending Birdman's journey to becoming a talk-show host. In the year 2005, he got the greenlight for 12 more episodes. Thus making history. And please don't go around asking: "Why did Birdman give birth?" or "Why did you survive that brutal attack" or "Why did Ted Turner care about comments made by Birdman" in the mailbag segment. Because I won't answer them, okay!
Pause.
Lokar: Okay!
Pause.
Lokar: Also, don't ask me stupid questions.
Pause.
Lokar: Oh wait, they cut me out of the mailbag segment. Replaced me with that stupid Reducto. They're soooo stupid, they'll pay for this. Pay! Pay I tells 'ya!
Pause.
Lokar: Boy, wasn't it gross when Birdman performed oral sex?
End credits.