Author's note: This is intended to be humourous. If I offend anybody, I'm sorry. My only
response to that would be: quit reading this! I'm not sure if this is exactly 'fanfic,' but
hey, I'll put it up and hope for reviews. Please! Please! Please, review my stuff! Even if
you didn't really like it, or didn't get it. (But don't just put "I loved/hated it" -- why
did you love/hate it?). Thank-you in advance!
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Medical Edition 4.74938
Edited by Bethy
Written: May 12, 1998
Editor's Note: This edition contains the latest information available on selected
diseases that affect any or all known humanoid life forms. Although the editor of this edition
trusts her sources implicitly, the information contained in this guide is for entertainment
purposes only. It is not to be taken as absolute, positive, factual truth. It is also not
intended to overrule, override, or supersede any information, advice or instructions given by
an official medical doctor. Any imbecile who chooses to ignore the aforementioned warning does
so at their own risk. The Nyllisoj Publishing Corporation takes no responsibility for any such
nincompoops.
*Znarfborg Syndrome* is a fatal disease for humanoids with neon based blood. If a
humanoid with blood based on any other element contracts the disease, they will suffer only
mild discomfort similar to that which is experienced with the common cold. Beings with neon
based blood, callisoriandis, for example, contract the disease through sucking the crystals out
of the eggs of Daerongs and allowing the crystals to amalgamate with their salivary excretion.
Symptoms include extreme exhaustion, shortness of breath, lowered body temperature
combined with excessive sweating (if the being does not possess sweat glands they will
experience a lowered body temperature with the sensation of being hot) and minor irritation in
the sensory organs (eyes, ears, nose, antennae, ecnads, etc.).
Symptoms are caused by an increase of orange blood cells in unison with a decrease of
purple blood cells. Also, in some cases the rehsurc (an organ involved in the excretory
process) becomes enlarged, causing the patient to have extreme difficulty eliminating waste
products.
As the disease progresses, all the symptoms become magnified and extremely painful.
When the bloodstream contains only orange cells (all the purple cells have been eliminated) the
patient dies. The extinction of the purple blood cells can take anywhere from three minutes to
sixteen years, seven months, two weeks, four days, nine hours and twelve minutes (standard
time). Sometimes the rehsurc explodes before the purple blood cells disappear, causing a
quicker, but more painful death. At this point in time there is no known cure.
*Ratskert Dracip Disease* is caused by a parasite that resides in the brain and affects
all known intelligent life forms. The parasite feeds on electronic impulses sent to the brain
when the being is happy. If something causes the victim to become unhappy, agitated, stressed,
or angry, the victim becomes violent, lashing out at the cause of the distress. The victim
will do anything to return to a state of happiness. The violent actions of the victim should
not be confused with the Emotion Plague common to Vulcans and other carbon based life forms.
(see the Naniug Possession Plague in this edition)
Treatment involves causing the victim to become so exceedingly unhappy that the negative
electronic impulses cause an overload for the parasite which in turn causes the parasite's
demise. Treatment varies with the individual because all beings have a different opinion on
what makes them happy. The disease is not thought to be fatal, although when it comes to one's
happiness, the extent of a person's actions knows no bounds.
*Naniug Possession Plague* (commonly known as the Emotion Plague) is caused, like the
Ratskert Dracip Disease, by a parasite in the brain. This plague has many similarities to the
Ratskert Dracip Disease. The parasites feed on emotion but prefer negative emotions because
they are stronger. In order to obtain these emotions, the parasites cause the victim to
inflict pain on other beings to produce terror and agony. The parasites can be transmitted to
additional victims through eye contact. The only way to cure this disease is to deprive the
parasites of emotion. This is only possible through the sedation of the entire region where the
plague is found for a minimum of twenty eight hours (standard time).
*Krik Tellab Plague* only affects members of the Emolconian race. Symptoms include an
increasing ineptitude and stupidity in the patient. This is a result of shrinking brain mass.
As the brain shrinks, the patient will also suffer a loss of motor skills and coordination.
The disease is passed through contact with the antennae of any other member of the race
that is infected with the disease. Since touching antennae is the common form of greeting and
affection, the plague is spread very quickly. Any young conceived by parents with this disease
will be born with the disease. They will posses such a minuscule brain that the disease kills
them before they reach the age of two nognilks (Emolconian measurement of time roughly
equivalent to six months standard time).
It is currently unknown as to what causes the disease in the first place and there is
no cure for the plague. No one is really interested in looking for one, though. Who would
want to save the Emolconians anyway? Even before their brains start shrinking they are the
second stupidest "intelligent" known race in the galaxy (after the gorpfs, who posses an
intelligence that is so low it is a negative on the IQ scale). Besides, the Emolconians are
dying out so fast that, by the time a cure was found, there wouldn't be any left to cure.
Editor's note: at the time of the publication of this edition there were only 17,000,000,000
Emolconians remaining in the entire galaxy. By the time anyone reads this they will most
likely be extinct.
response to that would be: quit reading this! I'm not sure if this is exactly 'fanfic,' but
hey, I'll put it up and hope for reviews. Please! Please! Please, review my stuff! Even if
you didn't really like it, or didn't get it. (But don't just put "I loved/hated it" -- why
did you love/hate it?). Thank-you in advance!
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Medical Edition 4.74938
Edited by Bethy
Written: May 12, 1998
Editor's Note: This edition contains the latest information available on selected
diseases that affect any or all known humanoid life forms. Although the editor of this edition
trusts her sources implicitly, the information contained in this guide is for entertainment
purposes only. It is not to be taken as absolute, positive, factual truth. It is also not
intended to overrule, override, or supersede any information, advice or instructions given by
an official medical doctor. Any imbecile who chooses to ignore the aforementioned warning does
so at their own risk. The Nyllisoj Publishing Corporation takes no responsibility for any such
nincompoops.
*Znarfborg Syndrome* is a fatal disease for humanoids with neon based blood. If a
humanoid with blood based on any other element contracts the disease, they will suffer only
mild discomfort similar to that which is experienced with the common cold. Beings with neon
based blood, callisoriandis, for example, contract the disease through sucking the crystals out
of the eggs of Daerongs and allowing the crystals to amalgamate with their salivary excretion.
Symptoms include extreme exhaustion, shortness of breath, lowered body temperature
combined with excessive sweating (if the being does not possess sweat glands they will
experience a lowered body temperature with the sensation of being hot) and minor irritation in
the sensory organs (eyes, ears, nose, antennae, ecnads, etc.).
Symptoms are caused by an increase of orange blood cells in unison with a decrease of
purple blood cells. Also, in some cases the rehsurc (an organ involved in the excretory
process) becomes enlarged, causing the patient to have extreme difficulty eliminating waste
products.
As the disease progresses, all the symptoms become magnified and extremely painful.
When the bloodstream contains only orange cells (all the purple cells have been eliminated) the
patient dies. The extinction of the purple blood cells can take anywhere from three minutes to
sixteen years, seven months, two weeks, four days, nine hours and twelve minutes (standard
time). Sometimes the rehsurc explodes before the purple blood cells disappear, causing a
quicker, but more painful death. At this point in time there is no known cure.
*Ratskert Dracip Disease* is caused by a parasite that resides in the brain and affects
all known intelligent life forms. The parasite feeds on electronic impulses sent to the brain
when the being is happy. If something causes the victim to become unhappy, agitated, stressed,
or angry, the victim becomes violent, lashing out at the cause of the distress. The victim
will do anything to return to a state of happiness. The violent actions of the victim should
not be confused with the Emotion Plague common to Vulcans and other carbon based life forms.
(see the Naniug Possession Plague in this edition)
Treatment involves causing the victim to become so exceedingly unhappy that the negative
electronic impulses cause an overload for the parasite which in turn causes the parasite's
demise. Treatment varies with the individual because all beings have a different opinion on
what makes them happy. The disease is not thought to be fatal, although when it comes to one's
happiness, the extent of a person's actions knows no bounds.
*Naniug Possession Plague* (commonly known as the Emotion Plague) is caused, like the
Ratskert Dracip Disease, by a parasite in the brain. This plague has many similarities to the
Ratskert Dracip Disease. The parasites feed on emotion but prefer negative emotions because
they are stronger. In order to obtain these emotions, the parasites cause the victim to
inflict pain on other beings to produce terror and agony. The parasites can be transmitted to
additional victims through eye contact. The only way to cure this disease is to deprive the
parasites of emotion. This is only possible through the sedation of the entire region where the
plague is found for a minimum of twenty eight hours (standard time).
*Krik Tellab Plague* only affects members of the Emolconian race. Symptoms include an
increasing ineptitude and stupidity in the patient. This is a result of shrinking brain mass.
As the brain shrinks, the patient will also suffer a loss of motor skills and coordination.
The disease is passed through contact with the antennae of any other member of the race
that is infected with the disease. Since touching antennae is the common form of greeting and
affection, the plague is spread very quickly. Any young conceived by parents with this disease
will be born with the disease. They will posses such a minuscule brain that the disease kills
them before they reach the age of two nognilks (Emolconian measurement of time roughly
equivalent to six months standard time).
It is currently unknown as to what causes the disease in the first place and there is
no cure for the plague. No one is really interested in looking for one, though. Who would
want to save the Emolconians anyway? Even before their brains start shrinking they are the
second stupidest "intelligent" known race in the galaxy (after the gorpfs, who posses an
intelligence that is so low it is a negative on the IQ scale). Besides, the Emolconians are
dying out so fast that, by the time a cure was found, there wouldn't be any left to cure.
Editor's note: at the time of the publication of this edition there were only 17,000,000,000
Emolconians remaining in the entire galaxy. By the time anyone reads this they will most
likely be extinct.