There are certain things that are inevitable in life.
Taxes, death, and the shovel talk.
You can't evade any of them.
They are everywhere.
oooOOOooo
"Please meet my family," Skye shot me with her puppy dog eyes.
I looked away so I wouldn't be caught by her eyes.
"Lincoln, they want to meet you. It would mean a lot to me," she pleaded with me. I wished I was immune to her looks, but I found I was unable to resist her charms. This happened every single time she widened her eyes and stuck her bottom lip out. I kind of had a love/hate relationship with her bottom lip because of this.
I sighed, and we both knew it was the equivalent of me agreeing to meet her family. I might have been signing my own death certificate at the same time.
I knew that if I met her family, I would be chewed out and threatened and probably beat up for daring to look at her. Her family sounded wonderful of course, but they terrified me, with their history of fighting and taekwondo and jujitsu and karate and don't forget the class where they learn how to kill a man with one look and a pen. I quite like my body parts where they currently are.
But, if it would make Skye happy, then how could I argue?
I mean, how bad could it be?
oooOOOooo
"Okay, so Simmons is the biochemist, and Fitz is the rocket scientist, literally, and Coulson's the director, and Bobbi is the muscle and really good with a gun, and Hunter's the drunk actually he's kind of the protector but he's also really sarcastic and funny, then May, wow, you better look out for May, she can be kind of a handful make sure you don't get on her bad side, that would be ugly-" Skye was rambling again, but it was calming. I was worried and anxious to be aboard the infamous Bus and finally meet her family. She had told me a lot about every single one of her colleagues, and she respected them all, and loved them with all her heart, and I was wondering what would happen if they didn't like me. Would it affect our relationship? Would she dump me? Would she hate them because of it? What if she hated me because of it? I wasn't ready to lose her and I loved her, but I feared that her family might have something to say about that.
I was also a little insecure about what I was wearing. Like, what do you even wear to meet your girlfriend's family? Is it supposed to be "business casual" or "black tie" or "masquerade" or "summer barbeque"? What do you wear? I tried to dress up for the occasion, with a tie, a button down shirt, and nice khakis, but Skye took one look at me and told me to change. So I changed into dark jeans and a short sleeve button down. But I was still a bit worried.
Skye lead me to the huge plane that was sitting in the field. As we got closer to it, the ramp opened as if by itself, and we climbed up it. She hadn't let go of my hand, and I was grateful for it, because her hand was the only thing currently stopping me from running the hell off of that plane.
We emerged in what looked like the lab portion of the plane. Behind the glass doors, I could see a figure in a white lab coat and goggles, looking at a petri dish as if it had personally wronged her. I guessed it was Simmons, the biochemist. Then I saw another figure come out of the back room, also dressed in a lab coat and goggles, and he was carrying a microscope. I guess that was Fitz, the rocket scientist.
Skye shouted a greeting, something that sounded like Simmons but also could have been Fitz. They simultaneously turned to look at her, and it looked almost scripted how identically their eyes widened at the sight of me. If I wasn't so terrified, I would have said it was comical how in tune they were with each other.
"Oh my gosh, you're Lincoln? Wow, you were right Skye he is cute I'm Simmons and this is Fitz we've heard so much about you come inside are you hungry you're not vegetarian are you because I made something special for you and I hope you like it and I hope you're not allergic to anything because then you'd have a reaction, but that's okay because I have this new epi-pen that I invented with the help of Fitz, of course, and I've been looking for someone to test it on, and I would do it on myself, but I don't have any allergies, but if you did have a reaction to something, that would be awkward and we wouldn't want that, now would we?" Simmons finally stopped talking, but I couldn't take anything in. Thankfully, Fitz came to my rescue.
"She just said hi, and wants to know if you're allergic to anything, or if you're a vegetarian, because she made something special for you to eat," Fitz whispered to me. I got the feeling he was a common translator for Simmons.
"Oh, um no, I'm not allergic to anything, and I'm not a vegetarian." Simmons looked pleased at the fact that I wasn't a vegetarian, and I hoped we were off to a good start. She lead everyone towards what I assumed was the kitchen, but before I could follow, Fitz grabbed my arm and held me back.
"Just so we're clear, I am very proficient in the art of taking things apart. With my bare hands. So, just a reminder in case you get any ideas," at that Fitz looked in the direction of Skye, letting me know exactly what he meant by ideas.
"Yeah, I got it. It won't happen. Ever. I think she would take great pleasure taking me apart herself if I did anything wrong." I realized that the whole meeting the family thing wasn't working out too well if the first shovel talk occurred exactly seven minutes after I had boarded the Bus. I only hoped that Fitz spoke for everyone on the plane when he said he would hurt me if I hurt Skye.
But, I soon learned that I had to get threatened by everyone on the plane.
As soon as I walked into the kitchen with Fitz, Simmons made eye contact with him, and nodded her head, as if to tell him she understood. I was starting to get the feeling that they had their own form of communication that involved no speaking.
"Uh, Lincoln, let me show you where the bathrooms are!" Simmons seemed way too excited about it, so I knew I was about to get the shovel talk again.
I reluctantly followed her down a dim hallway, and the lighting wasn't doing anything good for my nerves.
"So, I just want to get this out of the way so we can go back to being friends again, okay?" Simmons seemed way too nice to give someone the shovel talk, but I guess she felt she owed it to Skye to protect her from potential psychopathic boyfriends.
"If you ever hurt her, or make her cry, or if I get a phone call from her about you, I will personally conduct an autopsy on your body. While you're still alive. Preferably with a dull knife and no anesthesia. Are we clear?" She still had that innocent look on her face. I couldn't believe someone as sweet as Simmons was capable of such cold-hearted murder.
"Yes. Crystal clear. There will not be a phone call, or crying, or hurting going on. I promise." She grinned at me, and I could see her gaze hardening until it looked like she was almost wishing that she would be able to perform an autopsy on me. She had completely transformed into a terrifying maniac who would relish cutting me open. I could see the sincerity in her eyes. And in that moment I could clearly see her crouched over my body with an evil gleam in her eyes as she held a dull knife in her hand. I shivered uncontrollably at the image.
"Good. Now let's go eat. I hope you like cake!" And she was back to her old self, almost as if the last couple of seconds hadn't even happened. But I knew that if I harmed one hair on Skye's head, I would have to face Simmons and her dull knife, and that didn't appeal to me at all.
I followed her back to the kitchen, and once again I saw her give a little nod to Fitz, communicating something that was known only to them. Skye, bless her, was oblivious to the entire exchange.
The rest of the afternoon passed without a hitch. Simmons' cake was delicious, but I couldn't help wondering if maybe she had baked it with the blood of Skye's past boyfriends, and if maybe I would be present in a future cake to one of Skye's future boyfriends.
I thought I was safe from the other members of Skye's family, but I was wrong. Very wrong.
As I neared where my bedroom was, a tall blonde woman came out of almost the shadows in front of me. I guess that this was Bobbi, the muscle.
I swallowed past my fear, and lifted my head up to show her I wasn't afraid. She raised one eyebrow as if to say really?
"Hi, I'm Bobbi. Lincoln, right?" She didn't extend her hand to shake, so it didn't really feel like an introduction. It felt more like an interrogation.
"Yeah, I'm Lincoln. Nice to meet you." I tried to sound nonchalant, but it probably came across as a question.
She smirked at me, and I guess she was amused at the spineless boyfriend Skye had snatched. It was actually unlike me to be so frightened by people, because I could destroy them without even thinking about it. I was a sight to behold on the battlefield, and people usually feared me. It was the thought of losing Skye that made me lose my composure and turned me into a scared, kicked puppy. Frankly, it was embarrassing.
"Well, I just want to let you know that Skye is like my sister. I love her, and I will protect her from those who hurt her," she looked me up and down, so I got the message pretty well, "Also, I am very good at hiding things. Where no one will find them. Ever. So keep that in mind Lincoln. I would hate for Skye to get hurt, wouldn't you?" She cocked her head to the side, and I had no trouble picturing her dragging my body to a remote location where I would never be found. I nodded my head, and probably looked like I was having a seizure because of my eagerness to please this Amazonian woman in front of me.
She nodded once at me, patted my shoulder like she was proud of me, and walked away.
As soon as she was out of sight, I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding. Skye's family was very protective of her, and I hoped they realized that I was going to be protective of her too. I wasn't going to let them get in the way of us, and I really hoped she wasn't going to either.
With that thought in mind, I walked down the hallway to where I thought the living room was, because I knew Skye was going to be there with Fitz and Simmons, and I promised I would hang out with her after we ate. But I must have gotten twisted around because I ended up in the kitchen with more than my thoughts to keep me company.
To clarify, I was not alone in the kitchen.
A man with his back to me was rummaging in the fridge. I guessed this was Lance, the protective, sarcastic drunk. I could tell he was going to be one of the worst, because he was obviously trained in the art of Hurt with a capital H, as well as the master of intimidating looks, as I found out when he turned around to look at me.
"Hey mate." He lifted his beer to me in acknowledgment. I smiled a little and tilted my head towards him. I didn't think he would offer his hand to shake, and I was right.
"Name's Lance. Heard you were Skye's new boyfriend. Didn't think she went for guys like you," what the hell was that supposed to mean? "Anyways, I wanted to let you know that I will kill you if you hurt her. Just a friendly reminder. I don't want to make things awkward between us, I just wanted to make that clear. Every single one of us on this Bus cares a lot for Skye, and we know she didn't really have that during her childhood, so if you want to become an honorary member of the Bus, make sure you follow the trend we're setting. Make sure you care enough for Skye to earn your place here. We won't hesitate to throw you off. Preferably while we're in the sky, but that might be a long shot," he shrugged his shoulders as if to say what can you do?
"Uh, understood. I care for Skye a lot, and I will do whatever it takes to be worthy of her." He seemed pleased with this answer, because he nodded and raised his beer to his lips and walked out.
Lance's talk had been different than the others. He had cut right to the chase, and didn't come up with creative ways to scare me. It was a little refreshing to just be threatened with death. And I totally knew he was serious when he said they would toss me out of the plane while it was in the sky. I only hoped that I could prove myself to Skye and her family that I was here to stay.
I knew that Coulson was next because he waved me over to his office while I was sitting with Simmons and Fitz. Skye had told me that Coulson was like her father figure. Well, she didn't exactly tell me that in words, but the way she referred to him, and respected him, and wanted to make him proud, told me that she viewed him as her father, so I knew I really had to impress him if I wanted this thing to work.
"Have a seat Lincoln," he said when I walked in the door. I cautiously sat in the chair facing his desk. He unbuttoned the front of his suit jacket, and I knew this was serious.
"No doubt you've already heard this many times," I nodded, "but we are very protective of Skye, and we wish her no harm. She's been through a lot, and we try to limit the amount of pain she has to go through. We have no qualms concerning getting rid of people who cause her pain. I'm sure you agree with this," I nodded again, "so as long as we are on the same page, I don't think we'll have any problems." At this he stood up and buttoned his jacket and I knew that my audience with the director was over.
I had thought that with Coulson's talk, everyone would have gone already, and that I was in the clear. So for the rest of the day I didn't worry about the shovel talk.
I should have worried.
Because I had forgotten the most terrifying member of the Bus.
Melinda May.
oooOOOooo
I ran into her on my way back to my room.
I had been in Skye's doing…things, and was heading back towards mine to go to sleep when I noticed her standing outside my door.
She looked like she was guarding it, with her hands behind her back, her feet spread apart and her head facing straight ahead. I knew she had been waiting for me, and was probably not impressed at the late hour I was returning to my room.
As I got closer to my room, her head turned to face me. In the moonlight, I could only see half of her face, and she looked like a robot in a sci-fi movie, very stoic and even movements with no emotion or unnecessary actions.
I wasn't sure what a safe distance away from her would be, so I stopped about 3 feet away. I knew she could cross to me in a matter of milliseconds, but I consoled myself with the fact that I was a very fast runner.
I faced her, and she faced me.
"If you hurt her…" She raised her eyebrows and tilted her head towards me, as if challenging me to ask her then what? Her eyes were hard and her expression held no emotion, but I knew she would not hesitate to destroy me if I hurt Skye. I knew from Skye's personal experience that May could be terrifying and most of the time her face held no emotion, and know I knew why Skye respected her and struggled to make her proud. May's hands had migrated to her sides, and I could see that they were balled into fists, a further indication that she would most definitely follow through with the threat. Then her lips quirked up in the smallest smile I've ever seen, and I knew she would take extreme delight in punishing me if I did anything wrong.
It was the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced.
And somehow that look scared me more than Simmons threatening to do an autopsy on me while I'm still alive.