Disclaimer: Kishimoto Masashi owns Naruto and related characters. I do not.

Title: Nukenin

Author: Paradigm Shifter

Rating: Mature

Notes: Probably pointless little ficlet, but something that just wouldn't leave me alone.

Written to: Naruto OST

Thanks to: the reviewers for Underneath the Underneath, and Trevelyan for putting up with my crazy ideas.

-

"As a ninja, boy, you suck."

That statement had been bouncing round the head of the intended recipient for three days now, ever since the two Akatsuki members had abducted him. The three had not been travelling very quickly – Naruto was not about to go without a struggle, and so they had trussed him up like a turkey, which increased their speed slightly, but not enough for Itachi's liking. Kisame was carrying him, bound to the blade of Samehada. This served two purposes: the first was that it stopped him from struggling. The second was that any chakra Naruto channelled was instantly absorbed by the scaled blade.

'…as a ninja… I suck.' Naruto's mind could summon even the exact tone that Uchiha Itachi had used as it berated his weakness. Taken in his sleep from the very heart of Konoha…

How embarrassing.

Taught by Jiraiya himself, and still he hadn't even woken up until Kisame had accidentally brained him as the two Nukenin avoided a night patrol of Chuunin. That patrol wouldn't even have been there had Otogakure not have made several tentative strikes toward Konoha. As soon as Itachi had felt his chakra stir as he regained a (somewhat groggy) consciousness, he brained Naruto once more, again knocking him out cold.

The one thing you could not say about Akatsuki was that they were not daring: infiltrating Konoha while the whole village was on a war footing would be… well, to be honest it wouldn't be a whole lot more difficult than infiltrating it when they were at their normal alert. The first visit of Itachi and Kisame had been little more than an exploratory one. It proved that even with their vaunted Copy-nin, Konoha were not in any state to resist Akatsuki if they deigned to move in force to obtain the vessel of the Kyuubi no kitsune.

Even so, Naruto was not Konoha's 'Number One Surprising Ninja' for nothing – when he had woken up again about a mile from the village, he had vowed that the two Akatsuki agents were in for a shock if they thought he would go quietly.

That was what had led to them binding him to Samehada; the chakra devouring blade absorbing anything he tried to channel to use to escape. Itachi hadn't been too impressed at being tripped up and having branches randomly break as he landed on them as Naruto had tried anything he could think of to slow them down.

Once bound, though, Naruto was more or less helpless.

He was currently of the opinion that the only hope he had was to talk his captors to death. His or theirs…

"Itachi?"

The Akatsuki agent gave no visible sign that he had even heard Naruto, but something told the blonde-haired ninja that he was now the focus of Itachi's attention.

"How many people have you ever left alive?"

Itachi turned his head fractionally to glare at Naruto over the rim of his cloak. He remained silent.

"Because, I was thinking… I might suck as a ninja, but you kinda suck too…" he gulped as the glare intensified, "In a way, of course."

Kisame chuckled at the Jinchuuriki's rapid backtracking of his statement at the expression on Itachi's face.

Itachi growled at the shark-faced man before addressing Naruto, "Explain, boy."

"Answer my question first!"

Itachi turned away, and for several more minutes, there was an uneasy silence that was unbroken by anything except the small animals in the undergrowth below. Naruto had the distinct feeling that if he was not wanted as badly as he was by whoever this Akatsuki were – Jiraiya still hadn't told him all the details – he would have been dead as soon as Itachi could be bothered to draw a kunai.

The answer came abruptly.

"None."

"Nani? None what?" Naruto was confused for a moment, the silence having discomfited him to the point where he had forgotten his question.

Glowering at him again, Itachi elaborated, "I have never left anyone that I have fought and bettered, alive."

"Then you aren't a ninja." Naruto said, far more calmly than he felt at this stage, "You're a glorified assassin with a few fancy techniques."

Itachi paused, and looked at Naruto with a fair degree of surprise. "Ninja are whatever we are paid to be. Assassin, bodyguard, spy… it doesn't matter. We do what we must. You have never learnt that lesson if you have that opinion. Moreover, you are a naïve little boy who thinks he is playing a game…" the Sharingan flashed into existence, "make no mistake, boy; this is no game."

Naruto pondered this for a few moments longer, until he felt Kisame tense as if they were going to start moving again. "Then I was wrong – you aren't even worth the label of assassin. You're a thug with delusions of grandeur."

Itachi ignored him.

Naruto had spent long enough around Jiraiya to know that most people had several 'buttons' that could be pressed to do almost anything you wanted – anger them, please them… kill them. Jiraiya's were obvious: girls. Give him a girl (or multiple girls) and he was happy as a pig in muck. Kakashi's was his Icha Icha novels… Sasuke's 'button' was his brother. Naruto had no idea what Kisame's would be – although if he looked like that half-man-half-shark, he knew his button would be his vanity. Itachi's 'button', while likely no more obvious than Kisame's, gave him a place to start.

Drawing a deep breath, Naruto voiced the next taunt, "Did you enjoy killing your mother, weasel?"

Kisame smacked Naruto's head into the next tree trunk in an attempt to shut him up. "Don't let him get to you, Itachi… you know what he's trying."

"Hn," Itachi acknowledged, 'Yes, I know what he is trying to do,' he thought, 'and it is working...'

Naruto shook the fuzziness out of his thoughts from the impact, "Well, weasel? Did you? Did she scream as you killed her?"

"…Yes," Itachi whispered.

"What? I didn't quite catch that, weasel. What was that again? Did your mother scream and call your name as you killed her?! Well, did she!?"

Blazing eyes whipped round into Naruto's as Itachi rounded on him. "Yes!"

"Did you enjoy it? Well?"

Itachi snarled, "Yes!"

A loud scream signalled the end of whatever thread had been holding Itachi to sanity. Lightning fast, a kunai cut the ropes holding Naruto to Samehada and he fell to the ground hard. He groaned and rolled to his feet, bringing his hands together for a much needed Kage Bunshin no jutsu to give him time to think.

Kisame whirled away, putting some space between himself, Naruto and his partner, who was muttering dark curses with a wild look in his eyes. Itachi's Sharingan flashed on and off randomly as he looked about.

Naruto nearly wept as only two Kage Bunshin's appeared – he had put almost everything he could into that jutsu, knowing that overwhelming numbers might help him escape more than anything else. The plan had been to scatter clones in every direction hoping that Kisame and Itachi would go after any Naruto other than the real one.

Kisame readied himself as he stared down at Naruto, "You'll pay for that, boy. Trust me."

"Mother!" Itachi screamed, "Why?"

Naruto and his two Kage Bunshin retreated from the two Akatsuki agents, each drawing a kunai as they went. Kisame moved to follow, but Itachi's shout of, "Brother, I come for you!" drew his attention away. As his partner vanished into the forest in the direction of Konohagakure, Kisame cursed and followed. They had found Naruto once, and taken him from under the noses of his guardians – they could certainly do it again. Itachi going completely off the deep end was not a good sign. Of all the Akatsuki agents, Itachi had been the one most able to put the past behind him. Kisame did not know how the blonde brat had done what he had – opened the doors to Itachi's painful past – but when he got his partner back under control, the brat would pay dearly for it – that much was assured.

"Bastard fox," Naruto muttered. "That didn't exactly go the way I wanted… but hey, they end result was the same. I'm free…"

Naruto got up and looked around. He turned 1080 degrees trying to find anything that gave him a rough clue to his location.

"…Now… if only I knew where I was." He leapt for a tree branch but missed, landing hard on the ground beneath it. "Kuso. I guess that sword pulled more chakra out than I thought…"

-

Within the cage in Naruto's soul, the Kyuubi no kitsune had an expression akin to a scowl on its face.

'Brat,' it thought, 'I aid you, and you curse me. I was no more prepared to be pulled forcefully from you as you were to let it happen – the process likely would have killed the both of us.'

There was no response. If the Kyuubi was to be completely honest, it did not really expect one. But it suited the demon's temper to rail against his captor.

'Fool boy; when I get out of here, I'll do to your mind what I did that that cloaked weasels...'

-

The pug appeared on the ground in front of his summoner, and raised a paw in stalwart greeting.

"Yo."

Kakashi wasted no time, already leaping off to the lower branches of the Konoha forests. The canine summon followed him without comment.

"Pakkun! Naruto is missing. A squad of Chuunin said they saw two figures in black cloaks fleeing. They were too far away to discern anything else."

The pug paused to snuffle the air.

"Naruto," he said, leaping away at an angle from Kakashi's original course, "and an Uchiha. And something that smells of fish…"

Kakashi's one visible eye became even more worried than it already had been, but he changed course and followed the pug without speaking.

Pakkun grumbled to himself as he bounded from branch to branch. "That blonde boy is certainly proving to be a handful… and that fish smell is making me hungry…"

-

EOF...

As much as anything else, this was a random idea that occurred to me after watching Naruto get (nearly) captured by Itachi and Kisame. It might not be the best idea out there, but it wouldn't leave me alone. I hope someone else out there likes it. There almost certainly will be more (especially since my beta seems to like the ideas that I've explained to him so far...) but reviews will, as usual, help the process.

Thanks for reading; and thanks even more if you review.