Okay I was writing a songfic to follow Back To December but from Jess's point of view but something I wrote in it reminded me of this song. It's This Is Letting Go by Rise Against. I love Rise Against. I was really looking forward to their new album and listened to it at the first opportunity. When this some came on I stopped what I was doing and listened. Before it was over I was crying uncontrollably. I couldn't help it, it just made me realise I was letting go of someone who meant the world to me.
Let's hope I can get some of that across here.
I suggest listening to the song before (or while) you read this.
Enjoy
Jess sat at her laptop flicking through songs. Today had been her best in a few weeks; her best since Becker left. She'd found herself managing to think of him less and less. Unable to find the song she was looking for Jess gave up and hit the shuffle button.
Once upon a time I could take anything, anything.
Always stepped in time, regardless of the beat,
I moved my feet.
Working at the ARC had been so easy. She was organised by nature and any problem that came her way she tackled with all her might until it was solved. Her job was like any job really: Make sure everyone does what they're meant to and we're heading towards our goal. The fact that it involved dangerous animals was merely a quirk.
I carried weight.
What I could not do, I faked.
Only, when Becker left she couldn't concentrate. She did her best, honest to God, she did. But she was getting sloppy, things that once came so easily now eluded her. Daily, she would find a pile of work that was meant to have been completed by then. But Jess knew she couldn't let it show. She acted as happy as ever. Her ability to get things done last minute saved her, and when she couldn't... she pretended she had.
And I dug seeking treasure,
Just to wake up in an early grave.
She'd been so absorbed in her work with Becker. She had been so absorbed with Becker. He made her days happy and no matter any problem that was troubling her after talking to him she just jumped back into work with a smile on her face. And then it was gone.
So I stopped right then and said,
Go on alone, 'cause I won't follow.
But this isn't giving up, no this is letting go
How long had she been waiting for him? She knew the answer without thinking. One month, one week and six days. She could probabily quote how many hours and minutes it had been since he'd left if she knew what the time was. Since, she had called and called but always got the same answer. He wasn't coming back. As of one week and six days ago his number was no longer registered. She'd searched. Hacked into anything and everything she could, just trying to get something to tell her where he was, how he was.
Out with the old dreams I've borrowed
The path I carve from here on out will be my own,
The path will be my own.
Jess paused from the screen she had absently been watching and thought about what she had done. When did she start to be so reliant on him? She was trying to find him but he didn't want her. There was no point in dreaming after him anymore. He wasn't coming back. She needed to get away from her feelings for him. She needed to stop searching for him. She needed to go her own way like he had his.
This is the part where the needle skips,
And the chorus plays like a sink that drips,
A syllable repeating, like a warning we aren't heeding.
How many times had she blushed because of him? How often did she find herself saying something stupid through the comms… something everyone could hear? Nothing ever came from them though… Becker never commented on them. She never asked herself why. Jess knew so, so much but she had never asked why.
Until all of a sudden we notice it,
When the wheels brace and the tires grip.
A map we've been misreading,
A defeat we're not conceding,
Until now.
There must be some other way out.
For all her attempts he had never given her anything back. Tears started to form in Jess's eyes. How naive was she? A bar of chocolate doesn't count. She'd done that for a friend before. He was just being a friend. A mini dig at Matt, to show he could do his job and more. He had never cared for her like that.
This wasn't right. She had been so sure.
Go on alone, 'cause I won't follow,
But this isn't giving up, no this is letting go
Jess's face fell into her hands. How could she have been so stupid? He was just another colleague.
Out with the old dreams I've borrowed
The path I carve from here on out will be my own
A path to take me home
He wasn't some saviour. He didn't belong on the pedestal on which she had placed him. He was never a knight in shining armour who would come to her rescue and take her home.
The wind died
The whole world ceased to move
Now so quiet
Her beating heart became a boom,
Jess wiped her eyes on her arms trying to regain some control over her breathing. It was so clear to her now.
We locked eyes,
For just a moment or two.
She asked, "Why?"
I said "I don't know why,
I just know."
She caught sight of herself in the shine of the laptop and saw she had been searching for something that wasn't there anymore. Her red, tear stained face watched her back. What was she doing here? How could she let it get this far? Then the question she'd neglected hit her. Why?
Jess's eyes opened wide and mouth hung slightly open. For a moment, a sudden calm came over her, her breathing stopped and the tense muscles in her shoulders and back relaxed.
The wind died.
The whole world ceased to move.
Now so quiet,
Her beating heart became a boom.
This wasn't right. This wasn't... this wasn't the right place to be. Jess' breathing started up again, the shudders that tore through her body as she took each breath in were harder than before. The tears fell fresh and her hands became sweaty.
We locked eyes,
For just a moment or two.
She asked, "Why?"
I said "I don't know why,
I just know,
I just know."
She didn't know what it was. But there was something, something inside of her that had broken. She, she didn't know- but at the same time she did. It was impossible to explain. Jess pulled her feet up onto her chair and started to cry harder into her knees.
Go on alone, 'cause I won't follow,
But this isn't giving up, no this is letting go,
She was done with him. He couldn't break her anymore than he had already. She wasn't going to wait for someone who was no longer there, someone who was never there. It was a foolish idea.
I made the most of all this sorrow.
I tried to brave this discontent but now I'm through.
He wasn't coming back and he wasn't hers.
I'm letting go of you.
The words hit her in her heart. The truth of them. Part of her wanted to scream at the pain of her realisation. She hoped he could feel it.
This is letting go,
This is letting go.
Jess curled tighter around herself. Could she really do it? Could she really let go of someone she had held onto for so long? Could she cope with it?
She didn't know.
Once upon a time I could take anything, anything.
Do tell me what you thought. Even if you didn't like what I wrote I'd like to hear what you think of the song. I love it so much!
Thanks.