Hauntings
A Hollyoaks FanFiction
When the dead won't stay dead and the gone won't stay gone
:-:
He is burying Doug today and it is ripping his insides out; removing the ground from beneath him until he is falling into a pit of despair. Then Leah climbs into the bed next to him and he remembers how to smile again.
She is dressed for the funeral already and reminds him of her mother. It makes him pull her closer; it makes him think of everyone he has lost.
Living in this house makes him think of Brendan – he hates himself for it, but he can't stop. Doug lies cold in a wooden box and Ste is missing the comfort of Brendan beside him.
He thinks the rest of his life he will compare everyone to Brendan; that he will never miss anyone as much as he misses him. And it isn't fair to Doug, with his memory still a lingering taste on Ste's lips, to have it pushed aside in favour of rough scratch of a moustache and the taste of scotch in his mouth.
As Leah leaves him to get dressed, he finds he can't get out of the bed. He pools the duvet into him and lies in its warmth. If he closes his eyes he can pretend Brendan is next to him, his arms holding Ste tightly; possessively. Safely. The pain of losing Doug almost can't touch him while he is in Brendan's arms. But the sounds from downstairs seep through the floorboards and reality creeps in through the window until there is nowhere left to hide.
Doug finds him at the funeral – his face staring out from the frame. Each word of the eulogy is a memory and each memory cuts like a knife; until he is drowning in Doug. His eyes are swimming and it is Leah again that saves him; clinging onto her tiny body makes the memories sweeter and drains the pain away. Until all that remains is the guilt: those large hot hands and that bloody moustache.
He escapes the wake for some fresh air, sitting on the boards at the end of the pond. The ducks make their way towards him – and Ste is not surprised when "Brendan" moves in "Doug's" way and pushes him aside, quacking in Ste's face.
He debates, not for the first time, going to visit Brendan in prison. But he remembers how Brendan said he would refuse to see him and Ste can't take any more pain today.
He briefly remembers the other sort of pain – the pain connected with Brendan's fists on his skin. They never hurt like this; this insane loneliness that eats away at his insides. He knows his love for Doug will never fade, and yet it will never be as all-encompassing as his love for Brendan.
And Ste knows Brendan is hardly the life-raft he should be holding onto right now, but with Doug gone so has his common sense and Ste has nothing left to lose. If home is where the heart is, then prison is better than death.