Also, I'd like to note that I do not own NBC's Days of Our Lives or the characters and I will NOT be receiving any payment whatsoever for writing this story. It is intended for entertainment purposes only.
*** The Salem Spectator ::: Edition One ***
Editor and Head Reporter : Jack W. Deveraux Assistant Reporters : Jennifer R. Horton & Vern P. Scoefield
Monday, June 24, 1990 Bright sun, 105 degrees today, clear, 90 degrees tonight ~A Jack Deveraux Production~
(( Hot Editorials ))
"Kimberly's Baby" by Jack W. Deveraux :
Kimberly Brady Donovan has had a rough life. She went from a life of prostitution to marriage to a famous ISA Agent Shane Donovan. The trouble is that every time Kim becomes pregnant, she is uncertain who the child's father is. It happened in 1987 with the birth of Kim's son Andrew. Kim didn't know if her son belonged to her husband or to the "old coot" Victor Kiriakis. Later she discovered that the baby was Shane's, but there is no excuse for what she did. You might have thought that Kimberly would have learned her lesson, but she has not. It has happened again. Kim is pregnant and doesn't know if the child is Shane's or fathered by some filthy convict named Cal Winters who is serving a life sentence in prison. We are all anxious to know who the father may be this time. So stay informed by *The Spectator* for further details.
Ohhh, and I might add, if Kim's next child is anything like Andrew, who is three years old and looks to be ten, that kid will be out of diapers in no time!
"All Roman's Wives" by Jennifer R. Horton :
I was recently giving the honor of meeting Commander Roman Brady, known as "Sexual Cassanova" to most. Not many of us are aware of Roman's exclusive love life. First there was Anna whom he married and produced a daughter Carrie. Anna ran off with a swindler, so Roman went hot after the pants of Marlena Evans. Later he and Marlena married and had twins, Eric and Samantha.
It was rumored that at this point, Roman didn't want to handle such responsibility, so he disguised himself as a mummy to shake his responsibilities. Roman refuses to comment on that point in his life.
Marlena and he weren't married long when she died in a tragic plane crash. Roman was left with three hungry children and not a crop in the field. He began looking for a mother for his kids. Then, like a dog in heat, Roman went hot after the pants of Diana Coleville. It was rumored that Miss Coleville was really a woman named Laura Spencer in disguise and that she already had a husband. Roman and she went at it like animals for awhile- but that didn't last long. She too has left his life.
Now Roman is trotting after Isabella Tuscano. Some of us are wondering- when will Roman get enough? I asked Roman to comment on the situation. He just shook his head and sighed, "I may have to write a book about my sexual encounters entitled 'All My Wives,' and that's a fact."
"Emilio Ramerez Loses Earring" by Vern Scoefield :
There was a big commotion down at "Wings" this Saturday. It appears that Emilio Ramerez was helping his sister April Ramerez and manager of "Wings" do the cooking in the kitchen, when his favorite skull earring was lost.
Emilio didn't discover the loss of the earring until later that evening. It was too late by then. The fifty-cent earring had been served in the vegetable soup.
Unfortunately, Calliope Bradford had swallowed the skull-shaped earring thinking it was a piece of cabbage. Miss Bradford nearly choked to death and was rushed to Salem Medical Clinic to be treated by several quack doctors. Reports on her condition are still unknown.
When asked to comment, Ramerez stated, "You know, man. I want my earring back, dude. It was my lucky skull one, man."
"Justin Kiriakis's Sex Problem" by Jack W. Deveraux :
Justin Kiriakis discovered he was impotent upon remarryng his ex-wife Adrienne, who happens to be my lovely, darling sister. I asked Adrienne to describe Justin's problem and she stated, "Justin is like a wet noodle. I don't understand it. He was always a stallion before."
Justin was unable to perform in the bedroom and no longer required his daily cold shower. Justin was noted to have remarked, "Women no longer interest me. I nearly became involved with another man."
It was then that Justin discovered the root of his problem. His uncle, the croony Victor Kiriakis, had been putting impotency tablets in Justin's daily shot glass of straight Everclear. "That would be enough to make even Roman Brady go limp!" Justin commented.
Justin hid the pills and now has become a new man. "Now I can go about two hours, maybe three," Justin says. Luckily, he stopped long enough to grant the interview.
"Nicky Used to be My Pimp" by Jennifer R. Horton :
Most of you all remember the old Nick Corelli. He was the scum of the streets. He corrupted young girls and was a money-hungry pimp. Now Nick's put al that behind him.
He claims he was inspired to become a monk while watching the T.V. show "Days of our Lives," some crummy soap opera no one ever watches. "Just call me Brother Nick," Corelli says. "I want to help young prostitutes stay off the streets and out from between the sheets."
I asked Eve Donovan to comment on what Brother Nick has been to her. "Nick who?" she asked. "Ohhh yeah- Nicky used to be my pimp!"
"Brady Child Locked in Attic" by Vern Scoefield :
Kimberly Brady Donovan, who works at the Salem Children's Abuse Clinic, has disclosed the truth of an abuse in her own family. Maxwell Brady, her adopted brother has not been seen for several years. "My parents kept him hidden well," Kim admitted. "They kept Max locked in the attic, hoping he would either disappear or emerge prepared to attend college."
Kim says this is not the first in a series of abuses. She claims that her brother Roman has done the same thing with his own children, Samantha and Eric. "It's very easy to forget they even exist," one family member remarked.
Kim comments, "I won't ever do that to Andrew, no matter how slowly he grows."
(( Ask Alice ))
** Your most intimate questions are answered by wise, yet senile, old Alice Horton. **
Dear Alice, I am a fashion designer. Recently I was dining at a restaurant called "Wings," when I choked on hard piece of cabbage in the vegetable soup. I tried to chew it at first, but it broke off one of my teeth. I complained to the manager but she called me a dizzy broad and demanded the cabbage back. Do you think I should give it to her? Signed,
Choked Up
*o*
Dear Choked,
Forget the cabbage, Calliope! Go back to to designing those dumb, ugly hats, you dizzy broad!
*o*
Dear Alice,
A few weeks ago my husband was like a dead snake in bed, but recently he has been like a wild stallion. What can I do? I've had enough!
Signed, Longing for a Wet Noodle
*o*
Dear Longing, I suggest you call Brother Nick. He can answer whichever needs you may have.
*o*
Dear Alice,
Please help me! My parents are keeping me prisoner in the attic above their Fish Market. When will I ever be free?
Signed,
Haven't Grown
*o*
Dear Haven't,
You will be free when you grow up and go to college, which I am certain won't be long from now. Hold your head up! At least you know how your father is, unlike your cousin!
*o*
Dear Alice,
I am a good-looking guy who has had his share of foxy ladies. The trouble is, they never stay around long. What's my problem?
Signed,
Been Around
*o*
Dear Been Around,
Maybe it's your breath. Try some strong mouth wash. You stink and that's a fact!
*o*
Dear Alice, I don't know what to do. I am in love with this guy, but he doesn't love me. There is this guy who wants me, but I do not want him. He has this freaky earring with a skull that totally disgusts me. What do I do to turn on the first guy and turn off the second one?
Signed, Horny
*o*
Dear Horny,
Buy a vibrator and forget the man. You sound too much like my granddaughter Jennifer!
*o*
Dear Alice,
I am a low-down scum. I gave my nephew impotency pills, because I was jealous of his wild sex life. I wish I could be as sexually active as I was in my youth. How can I improve my sex life, Alice?
Signed,
Not Laid in Days!
*o*
Dear Not Laid,
Stop by and we'll talk, big boy!
*o*
Dear Alice,
I want to get kinky with this sexy young woman, but there is this long-haired man always hanging around her. How do I get rid of that punk?
Signed,
J.W.D.
*o*
Dear J.W.D.,
Cram his skull earring up his nose!
(( Classified Ads ))
** There is something here for everyone! **
For Sale : A hardened piece of cabbage pasted on a lovely pink hat. A new lovely fashion. Call Calliope at 555-DUMB.
For Sale : One over-used patch. Will sell cheap. Call Steve at 555-STUD.
For Sale: A little black book containing phone numbers of many hot prostitutes in Salem. Call Nick at 555-MONK.
For Sale: Box of Condoms. Never been used. Call Victor at 425-NOT-LAID.
For Sale: Engagement Ring. Only been used four times. Call Roman at 425-NEW-LADY.
Found: Small bottle of tablets. Taste good, but make my wife unhappy. Call Bo at 425-NOW-LIMP.
Found: Strange-looking cleaning device that buzzs and vibrates. Found near Tom and Alice Horton residence. Call Faith at 425-VIR-GINS.
Personal: I want to round up my family. If I have any more kids I don't know about, give me a call.
~Victor Kiriakis
Lost: My Virginity. Anyone having any information please call Eve at 555-SLUT.
Reward: A $5 reward will be granted to anyone who can shed some light on who impregnated my wife. Call Shane at 425-BAD-WIFE.
Help Wanted: Blind person needed to clean old, uninhabited attic. Call Sean or Caroline at 425-LOST-MAX.
Lost: One genuine junk skull earring. Reward if undamaged by stomach acids. Call Emilio at 555-PUNK.
Lost: Missing pages of a diary filled with kinky, perverted acts. Call Isabella at 555-BELL.
Garage Sale: Will several old vibrators in good-working condition, sex manuals that are illustrated, and flavorful donuts. Cum early. Saturday morning. Tom and Alice Horton home.
Garage Sale: Will sell several highly colorful or see-through clothing, some high heels, crotchless panties, and lacy panty-hose. Perfect for the working girl. Eve and Kim Donovan residence. Cum Anytime!
(A/N: There are more editions of The Spectator if you liked this one. Just let me know!)