A/N
Hello everyone!
Alright, this one shot just happened out of the blue. I started writing this and I kept writing and writing. The title is horrible; I'm awful with coming up with titles, as you probably have noticed already. The title came from the fact that Quinn might have had Port Partum Depression during season 2 and that was the inspiration for this fic, but it became more of a "Quinn reminisces" fic. The end contains spoilers for season 3.
Disclaimer: Quinn and the storylines belong to Fox.
It's hard, living in the dark. Things pass, yet I ignored everything that happened around me. Sure, I smiled, I laughed, but it didn't feel right. Something was always off.
After I gave Beth to Shelby, I felt like a part of me was going with her. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her, yet I couldn't keep her. I cared too much for my reputation; I wanted to be at the top again. And so, with Beth leaving, the darkness began.
I moved back with my mother, since she had broken up with my father. He cheated on some tattooed freak, apparently. I didn't realize that my father would be capable of that.
I spent most of this summer alone. I declined all the invitations that the New Directions gave me to spend time with them. I told them I was too busy. In truth, I didn't want to see them so happy while I was so miserable. So, I spent my time moping around in my room.
The summer seemed to pass by so slowly, but finally, the school year began. I bribed my way into the Cheerios, saying that churches could fund the Cheerios, so they can get their confetti cannons back, which she lost from budget cuts. I was still pretty devoted to the Church and I told Ms. Sylvester that I can speak about teenage pregnancy in churches, and those churches would gladly fund the Cheerios, since I would tell them that the Cheerios helped me recover from my pregnancy.
I helped Kurt get through the ordeal with his father, but he didn't really want my help. Well, he didn't want anyone's prayers or anything, being an atheist. I know that I wasn't the only one praying, but it still hurt to
I didn't want to participate in the duets assignment that Mr. Schuester gave us, a few weeks after school started. I didn't want to deal with falling in love with someone and be heart-broken again, just as I did last year. Puck told me that he loved me, but now, it doesn't seem like that anymore. He acts as if nothing happened. And it hurts, to see that he's going about his business and not caring about me anymore.
Well, I ended up working with Sam, a new kid. He tried to kiss me during one of our rehearsals, so I decided to stop working with him again. I was just getting my popularity back and I didn't want to fall back in unpopularity again. He persuaded me to work with him again, and we won the duet competition and a dinner to Breadstix. At first, I didn't think of it as a date, but I started liking him during our date, so I told him that it was a date after all. I guess our relationship started then.
He told me that he loved me and when he got down on one knee, I started freaking out. I thought he was going to propose to me, but instead he was giving me a promise ring. I didn't wear it at first, but eventually, I decided to wear it. I realized that, yeah, I loved him too, and I wanted to be with him.
I ended up quitting the glee club for the Cheerios, after Ms. Sylvester gave us an ultimatum. I wanted to have the popularity and I didn't care what the others thought. I just wanted to be popular again. Finn didn't like it so much; he started yelling at me and called me weak. I couldn't believe that he did that. I am not weak; I just want to be popular again. Thankfully, Sam defended me from him. The glee club and the football team were supposed to have a big number during halftime of the championships, since the Cheerios were going to be at their Nationals. Brittany, Santana and I ended up quitting the Cheerios, after Finn talked to us about Glee Club. I was glad we did; after all, we had more friends in the Glee Club than the Cheerios. I kissed Finn the next day, after thanking him for showing us that we should stay in Glee Club. I couldn't believe I was cheating on Sam; I thought I loved him. I guess I didn't. I cared for him, and I didn't want to hurt him, but the kiss just happened.
Sam started suspecting that something went on between Finn and me. I kissed Finn again, during his stupid kissing booth, just to prove to Sam that I had no feelings for him. I saw fireworks after the kiss, and I told him to meet me in the auditorium. I kissed him there again, despite telling him that I prayed to get the strength to be faithful to Sam. Finn and I ended up getting mono, which I suspect was from Santana, and I had to lie to Sam to tell him that I saved Finn's life, which caused me to get mono from him.
He broke up with me, eventually, and told me he was going out with Santana, even though I told him that I did want to be with him. He left me, just like a lot of people did. Again, I was alone and in the darkness.
That didn't last for long, because Finn and I started dating again secretly. I rejoined the Celibacy Club, but that didn't really matter to me. Yeah, I was still slightly in the dark, but being with Finn helped me get out of the dark at small periods of time.
Seeing Finn with Rachel brought me back into the darkness. Finn and Rachel had been together for a time, and they had amazing chemistry. I didn't want to lose Finn; I just got him back from Rachel. Losing Finn made me think that I would return permanently into the darkness, and never return, so I worked hard to make sure that he stayed with me. That agenda included hurting Rachel, which I did. I didn't care how much I hurt her; I just wanted Finn for myself.
During our "Born this Way" assignment for Glee Club, I was brought back into the darkness with the memories of what I was before high school. I remembered that I was called Lucy Caboosey, and I didn't want to remember that. I remembered that I was ugly, once upon a time, and that I wasn't popular. I had just started the campaign from Prom King and Queen with Finn, and I didn't want anyone to find out. Sadly, everyone at school did, thanks to Lauren Zizes. However, Finn told me that he liked my picture as Lucy Caboosey better, which made me feel better about myself. I knew that I loved him, and that he meant a lot to me.
Finn accused me of cheating on him after I helped Sam babysit, something that the other Glee kids didn't know about. It hurt for him to accuse me that. I loved him, and I didn't want to hurt him the way I did before. I didn't want to lose him anymore.
He broke up with me, though, after he said that he felt more tethered to Rachel than he did to me. I couldn't believe that he also said that I didn't have any feelings for him. I knew that I did, because I needed him in my life. I needed somebody to love me.
During Nationals, in New York, I broke down. I was in the dark again. I nearly self-harmed. Brittany and Santana saved me from doing that, and I told them everything: how being popular doesn't matter anymore and that I needed someone to love me. They told me that I needed a change, and persuaded me to get a haircut, which I did. We lost during Nationals, coming in 12th place, just two spots away from competing at the next level. Finn and Rachel kissed during our number, which I suppose was the cause of us losing. The songs we had were amazing; there was no way that we could have lost because of the songs. However, I couldn't blame them, as much as I wanted to. I was happy for them, even though I was alone in the dark again.
But about that change that Brittany and Santana told me. I should think about that. After all, everyone loves a bad girl. . .
A/N
Thanks for reading!