He'd failed. The first love of his life was gone, replaced by a cold shell, and he couldn't stop it. _Seifer..._ Squall thought as he lay in his bed, his eyes burning with tears unshed. The pain he felt was slightly diminished from the ache it had been a month ago, lessening to a feeling that only came in the night. A simple cadet to become a SeeD, he trained hard all day everyday after Seifer came to see him, and that was the only time he could forget. The only time he could leave himself and place his mind fully somewhere else, within the battle. Taking his anger out on the monsters felt satisfying, but curfew came every night, and he felt so alone, chained here in his room by the rules, his mind drifting inevitably back to Seifer's words.
That was the time he thought about Seifer, about the betrayal he'd felt that day Seifer had left him. For what? Something he could never find with Squall, something he couldn't tell Squall. Tears began to trickle down Squall's cheeks as he remembered Seifer that day, seeming to be yesterday, seeming to be so long ago. His voice had been as mocking as it had been the day they'd met, before they'd become lovers, infuriating Squall and leaving him helpless in the wake of the rage he felt building inside him, filling him to the brink of destruction.
"Did you really think I'd stay with you Squall?" Seifer had asked, flicking a stray hair away from his beautiful eyes, so cold now in that perfect face, unmarred by anything, almost inhuman in its perfection. It was a beauty Squall had always envied. A cruel, cold laugh had danced forth into the air, chilling Squall to the deepest corners of his heart as he'd pleaded with his mind to awaken him from this horrible dream. Too bad for him it wasn't one. "You were a good f*ck, Squall, but don't be such an ass. No one could ever really care about you."
Those words consumed Squall's sanity, chasing him down and tearing him up from the inside of his heart. That couldn't have been the Seifer who'd been so gentle their first time together. It hadn't been the one who kissed Squall so tenderly. Something else had taken over the body of the one Squall had loved, and it had shattered the inner part of Squall, leaving behind a husk of the person he used to be, before he'd come across Seifer, before he'd dared to love.
_Maybe I am just a f*ck for anyone. After all, I'm the damn ice cold cadet who doesn't care about anything. Who the hell could or would care about someone who doesn't give a sh*t about anything?_ Squall wondered, his mind wandering to the only other person he'd ever cared about, ever felt close to. The one person who could never know about what he and Seifer had shared. The one Squall could never speak to, lest his words betray him to be hurt again.
Zell.
He'd met the other youth only days ago, a run in at the Training Center where the blonde had been being attacked by a T-Rexaur, unprepared. Squall had stepped in and saved the smaller youth from serious injury and possibly death. Zell had introduced himself and Squall had found himself falling into the pit he knew as love.
It wasn't fair! Squall couldn't love Zell. He still loved Seifer. That was proved every night when Squall lay alone in bed, his mind with his ex-lover, wondering who Seifer was laying with, who Seifer was loving at that same moment. It was proved everyday when he saw the disiplinary committee and wanted to be part of them again. It was proved whenever he had the chance to see Seifer's arrogent smirk and pain shot through his heart.
Squall punched the wall next
to him, and felt the damning tears flowing down his cheeks, and he angrily
wiped them away. It wasn't fair. If anyone ever wanted to destroy
him, they could just come in now and kill him. His heart was already
gone, torn in two directions. Where was the justice in that?
What had he done to deserve it? It wasn't fair...
Confusing, right? I'm sorry. But I just can't get over the fact that Squall and Seifer seem to hate each other in the game, but...I don't know. I like Squall and Seifer together, and I like Squall and Zell together, so it might end up strange, but tell me what you think, ok? You can flame if you want to. I don't mind! Really! I like flames! They tell me what not to do next time so I don't piss off my readers. That is, if I had readers...Anyway, R&R, ok?