I Often Wonder .

I often wonder to myself what is normal. What is ordinary and how do I get it?

I sit alone in my room typing my thoughts down on this blasted machine, trying to make sense of it all.

What's the meaning of life? Why do things turn out the way they do? I just do not know. If I knew maybe I'd be able to make sense of these ramblings.

I sit looking for inspiration. Anything really. I want some fun . . . some excitement! Anything to raise a smile on my lips and to make me laugh again.

I'm sitting in my room all alone, looking at the screen of this computer as I'm typing. The radio is playing, simple words spill out of the speakers, and yet I'm only partly listening. I'm lost in my thoughts and only recognise a few of the words. I feel a weird sensation in my stomach as the words dawn on me. Maybe what I'm feeling is dread . . . but I do not know!

"This is my last resort . . ." simple words that hold so much meaning.

I can feel my eyes fill with tears and yet I do not know the reason behind my grief. Maybe it's my past catching up on me or maybe it's just my subconscious trying to tell me something. I know I'm lonely. I'm on the outside looking in. No one knows the truth. I could never tell Buffy or Xander or even Giles, they would think I was crazy . . . perhaps I am! I would not be surprised if I were.

When people look at me I know what there thinking! I'm the freak! The quiet girl that every one ignores. . . sometimes I think I'm invisible, and sometimes I wish I were. At least then I wouldn't have to put up with the disapproving glares of my family or the pitying looks of my so-called- friends.

I'm sick of being 'old reliable', the quiet one, the one that everyone takes advantage of.

I'm sick of living up to everyone's expectations.

I want to be as wild and dangerous as Vamp me . . .

I want to be as confident as Buffy . . .

I want to be as sleek and gorgeous of Cordelia . . .

I want . . .

I want a chance to be the real me.

I want out of Buffy's shadow and for that I need to break away.

Maybe I should . . . break away. Have a fresh start.

I need a change, a chance to escape the torture that is my life and start a fresh.

That's it . . .my mind is made up.

I'm leaving.

I'm finally getting away from the Hellmouth. I'm going to start a fresh life in a new town.

I have the money and the car, there's nothing stopping me.

I guess this is my last entry.

Goodbye.