Frail Glass
These insecurities are what make us human. But she, the radiant princess, had no right to feel such tottery. Her emerald eyes had no right to be filled with such sorrows. She had absolutely no right, but so many reasons. Oneshot.
XX
It was raining.
It was all her mind seemed to process as she stood silently, waiting for something to break the surface of her haze. But all there was was fog and numbness, and it was all too complicated. Her thoughts were muddled together, unable to break free from one another long enough to register as one individual. She could not trace back to the beginning of her time, where everything had been normal and sane. All she could recall was the time her falling had begun, the time that had led her here.
It was dark, but not dark enough to my liking. He was right next to me, and I could feel his moist breath on my neck. I knew his eyes were closed, his mind tuned out for the night. He was sleeping like a rock, and I knew there was no chance of him waking up. But still, I wished it were darker. I wished it was so dark that I could not taste anything, so dark I could not hear anything, so dark I could not see anything, so dark I could not feel anything. I wished the light was gone in all areas of my mind, and all I could see was the darkness enveloping all of my mind….
Why would I want that? How could I ever not want to feel happy? I'm always happy, always smiling. There could be no way that I would fall into that pit. But lying here, next to his warm body, I could not see it otherwise. The future, the seconds that would come at me like speeding bullets, seemed so dim. Although my life was perfect, I was loved, I had great friends, I was in love, I felt no happiness. I knew, somehow, that it was temporary. I hoped against hope that it was, and that in a few hours, when the morning came, it would all be sunny again.
I let my lids close, trying to let his warmth seep into my skin. I might as well get a few hours rest.
XX
The morning came in what seemed like seconds, and I wished that I could sleep longer. But the sun was up and shining, and the whole world was moving around me. It was a habit, I suppose, but I could not sit still once the world was moving. I got out of bed, throwing on some clothing without looking at what it was, and headed for the door. Robin, of course, was not like me. He preferred to stay still.
I was always the first up. I made it my job to fix breakfast for everyone, even if no one ate any of it. I had improved in cooking, but not enough to everyone's appeal. I made pancakes, stacking them on a plate on the counter. There were too many, more than anyone would eat even if they all ate some. But it was time-consuming, and I did not have anything better to do with my time.
I did not feel like eating. I suppose I wasn't hungry.
I sat down at the counter for a while, thinking of absolutely nothing, and letting my eyes wander over the room. The kitchen, with all its gleaming appliances, was in front of where I sat at the granite counter. Raven had cleaned up last night, and the room was surprisingly clean. The living room was to my left, the flat screen covered in videogame cords and dust. A pizza box was left half-eaten on the coffee table, soda cans spread around it. I see Raven hadn't bothered with that. The computer tracking board was behind me, and I didn't need to look to know that it was blinking brightly, alert to all of Jump City. I do not see why we need it anymore. We no longer fight crime.
Raven was the first up. She came in and made herbal tea, smiling slightly at me when she went to go rest on the couch. I smiled back, straining to make my face move. Cyborg was up next, and he came in complaining about there not being any waffles or bacon out. He took the liberty of frying up a whole 12 slices of bacon, all of which he ate. Robin was up next, and he came in and took three of my pancakes, just to make me happy, I was sure. I didn't feel the usual joy in someone taking one of my pancakes, nor did I feel any emotion when he gave me a good-morning kiss. Beastboy was up last, as usual, and came in tired and a mess. He just jumped onto the couch and fell asleep.
It was our usual routine, and to me, it never became dull or unexciting. I took joy in seeing the little things my friends did differently, watching how they reacted to one-another's actions and words. I was usually joyous in the morning, being the only one to speak. Not today.
XX
Later that day, I decided (upon nothing but sheer boredom) to make something to eat. I wasn't hungry, but it was something that would take up my time. I suppose that was all I was searching for anymore. Something to take up my time.
Distractions, I assumed, were all that I cared about anymore. For some reason, I wanted something to distract me from the real reality of things, even though I wasn't sure what that was. I was sure that even if I did search for the truth, I would come up empty handed. In all honesty, I didn't even know what it was I was trying to see, and what it was I was trying to see past. It was all so complicated now. Before, I had only let the day come in brilliance, and every flower and every smile was so big to me. Now, they just blended in with all of the shadows and frowns.
Cooking was, and always had been, a distraction for me. Whether I was in sheer ecstasy or unadorned sadness, it was something to do for an hour or two, just to enjoy or get away from things. And, in other things, no one noticed any change in my behavior when I cooked. Because they couldn't tell if I was cooking in joy or cooking in sadness. And today, I was cooking in sadness.
For what, I had no idea. But that did not stop me from preparing the oven, mixing the flour, the eggs, the sugar, the milk. I measured each item out exactly, a factor I usually ignored in baking, and took extra caution to follow the directions precisely. I suppose it had always been my downfall in baking that I never followed the recipe. I would add multiple things that seemed like fun, and in the end, it ruined the dish.
I had let time slip, and before I knew it, I was pulling the cake out of the oven, setting it down on the stove to let it cool. I could smell the rich scent of mixed sugar, thickened with what I always thought of as bread. It always made my mouth water, making my mind overjoyed and anxious. I took pride in seeing my success sitting on the stove, delicious scents rising from its body. But now, I couldn't even tell if what I smelled was real.
It was not that I did not believe I had cooked the dish. Nor was it that I couldn't believe it was there on the stove. It was more so that I did not care about what had come out of the oven. I did not care that I had successfully finished a dish that was actually edible. I did not even care that it smelled entirely mouth-watering, and I did not care to taste my creation. I just cared that two hours had passed with this cake, and I was two hours closer to the end of the day.
I iced the cake, running the knife along the it at a snails pace. Once it was done, I walked back to my room to find another distraction, leaving the edible pink lump on the counter.
XX
I had slept soundly for once. In the morning, I was shocked to see my mind awaken, for I was so accustomed to it simply sliding into the morning light. But that morning had been abrupt, and I had taken a few seconds to get my mind straight. And, weirdest of all, I saw no need to awaken that morning. The sun was up and shining, my clock ticking loudly, telling me that precious seconds were slipping away. As the world moved and woke around me, I saw those seconds slip, and my mind slip with it.
Two hours later, or so the clock read, I woke up to the afternoon light. I knew because the sun was not visible, and it was not dark enough to be dusk. The sun was directly over the tower, and everyone was in the living room (subtract Robin, for he was in the gym.) I knew this all, and I had no good reason to have to know it, nor did I need to explain myself. It was simply factual to me, and I learn all important facts.
I walked out of my room in whatever mess I was, walking into the living room to find many faces staring at me.
"Where have you been all morning, Star?" What was it I was doing here again?
"Yeah, where were you?" I was sure I had some important reason to be here.
"We were getting worried." I had come to the living room…to do something. I just wasn't sure what it was.
I looked around the room, trying to find what it was I was doing here. 4 faces were staring at me, all silent. Raven, Beastboy, Cyborg, and Robin. The people I lived with. No, it had nothing to do with them.
I looked over to the kitchen. Maybe I was going to get something to eat. The counter was empty, as well as the rest of the visible kitchen. My cake…it was gone. Someone (or someones) had eaten it all. Surprisingly (although not so much anymore), I did not care. I knew for a fact that the fridge was empty apart from the blue fuzz and expired items. And the pantry…I wasn't really sure what was in there, but I was sure it was nothing I had been searching for.
"Great cake you made last night." I suppose I had no reason to be here.
I turned around, heading back towards my room. I could sort things out there. Even though I had no idea what needed sorting.
"Starfire."
It really only then occurred that someone had spoken. But still, I did not bother to turn around.
"Starfire…?"
I walked into my room, trying to decide what it was that needed sorting. Nothing, I told myself. Absolutely nothing at all.
But there, deep in the recesses of my mind, was a voice. It screamed, but only came out a whisper, the words that never processed as important, but very well should have. "A lot of things."
XX
That morning, I was unable to see the sun. It was there, shining brightly as if it was lighting a match to the universe, but I could not see it. I could not see much anything else, for that matter. It was as if I was trapped in a dark abyss, and I continue to wonder how I got here. I can't remember for some odd reason. There seems to be no way out. I know that I should care about finding an exit, but surprisingly enough, I do not at all. I could call for help. But I know for a fact that I have fallen so far down that no sane person could ever hear me, could never figure out I was even gone.
I myself could not figure out where I was, where I had gone. When had I gone? I could feel the moments slipping past me faster and faster, and I had no way of telling seconds from hours. I was trapped, I knew, and I did not try to search for a way out. I just closed my eyes again, finding peace in the darkness I now knew as my whole world.
XX
I found myself, somehow, in the living room. At least I thought that's where I was. I could see all 4 faces around me, because there was no way I could ever forget them. They were all full of one particular emotion…worry. I could process everything around me, everything going on, and everything that was felt. I could feel the worry and tension in the air, feel the words that begged to be said. I could hear it all, see it all, feel it all, smell it all, but I could not respond to it. My mind did not take it in deep enough to register as important, even though I somehow knew it was of up-most importance.
"What's wrong with you, Star?" Even though it could have been a whisper or a shout, it barely registered in my mind.
"Nothing," I said.
"You're acting so strange." Were they ashamed of me? Were they trying to tell me to stop being weird, to stop being stupid? It had always been that way, I was sure. They had always disliked me. They had always hated me.
Tears slid down my cheeks, and I could feel the words crumble and slip inside my throat. They came out in gurgles, and I found myself gasping for air. The words that failed to escape my mouth, the thoughts that failed to leave my mind, and the sobs that would not stop, sent my mind over the edge. I did not know I had been there. I had no idea that the wind had been howling at me from the very beginning. But as my foot slipped, and the ground left beneath me, I found myself falling off of an edge that had not been there before.
The little things that had pushed me there were gone, and nothing but air surrounded me. The air just howled in my ears, and it controlled me to do what it wanted. And in time, I found myself wanting it, too.
XX
She continued to fall. The ground continued to be absent beneath her feet. And the howling wind, the absence of stability, the terrible thoughts that hovered above her, just out of her reach, was all too much to handle. She did not like it, and she did not want it to be that way. She had liked feeling the terrible thoughts much more than falling this way. Although it was those terrible thoughts that had sent her falling, it did not matter. She wanted it to end.
The rain stopped. Just for a few seconds, it, too, hovered over her head, incapable of touching her falling body. For she was falling much too fast for the cold water to touch her. And, for that matter, she was falling much too fast for anything to touch her.
And then, she was no longer falling.