INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING
Mommers stands near the front door wearing a dress.
MOMMERS
(calling out)
Dadders! What's taking you so
long? We gotta go!
She starts walking toward a hallway entrance, stopping when
she steps on a toy car.
MOMMERS
Damn it. Gravier!
Gravier walks in from the hallway.
GRAVIER
Mommers, can I have some of that
Alka-Seltzer candy?
MOMMERS
Not until bedtime, and pick up your
car!
GRAVIER
Oh all right.
Gravier picks up the toy car.
MOMMERS
(calling out)
Dadders, hurry up!
Dadders walks in from the hallway, dressed in a tuxedo. His
hair is drenched in black paint that drips everywhere.
DADDERS
What gray hair? I don't know
anything about any gray hair.
MOMMERS
Finally. Let's get the hell out of
here.
DADDERS
Olive Garden here we come!
Dadders and Mommers walk out the door. Gravier just stands
in place for a moment. Dadders and Mommers walk back in.
MOMMERS
Oh, Gravier, we're going out to
dinner. A babysitter is coming to
look after you.
GRAVIER
What? But I don't need a
babysitter!
DADDERS
You keep breaking your leashes, so
yes you do.
The doorbell rings.
MOMMERS
That must be her.
Mommers opens the door. JAN, a frazzle-haired young woman in
a dirty sweatshirt, walks in.
JAN
(shrieking)
Hi! I'm Jan the babysitter!
MOMMERS
Hello, Jan!
DADDERS
What's up, Jan? This is Gravier.
Say hello, son.
GRAVIER
I don't like Jan! Silly old Jan!
Silly, silly, silly!
Gravier throws the toy car on the floor. Jan laughs
maniacally.
DADDERS
See? Jan knows how to have a good
time. Give her a chance.
Gravier crosses his arms and looks down, frowning.
DADDERS
There ya go.
MOMMERS
Now Jan, be sure to give him his
Alka-Seltzer when it's time for
bed. It'll knock him right out.
Mommers hands Jan a slip of paper.
MOMMERS
And if you have any trouble, just
call this number and a guy will
bring over a ton of Xanax.
Jan laughs again.
DADDERS
Great. Now let's leave while he's
busy sulking.
MOMMERS
See ya!
Dadders and Mommers run out the door. Jan approaches
Gravier.
JAN
Hi, little boy!
Gravier continues looking down.
GRAVIER
(muttering)
Silly old Jan.
JAN
What would you like to do tonight?
GRAVIER
(muttering)
Nothing.
JAN
I know, we can go visit your
friends Billy, Susie, and Jimmy.
Gravier looks up, confused.
GRAVIER
But they went missing. I saw it on
the news.
JAN
They're not missing. They're all
in my basement.
GRAVIER
Are you their babysitter too?
JAN
I am now. Forever. And if you get
in my car I'll take you to see
them.
Gravier smiles and excitedly raises his arms.
GRAVIER
Yay!
Jan starts laughing again but is interrupted when Bubonic the
rat lands on her shoulder and screeches.
JAN
Agh! What is that?!
GRAVIER
That's my rat. His name is
Bubonic!
Jan pulls Bubonic off of her and throws him on the floor. He
scurries away.
JAN
Where did that thing come from?!
GRAVIER
The trap door in the ceiling.
Jan looks up to see an ajar trap door in the ceiling. It
opens fully, and Sissy the goblin drops out, knocking Jan to
the floor. Jan screams.
SISSY
Sissy hungry!
JAN
What the hell?!
GRAVIER
That's my sister, Sissy. She wants
her ground beef.
SISSY
Beef now! Yum!
Sissy runs at Jan. Jan screams and staggers back up, kicking
Sissy away.
EXT. HOUSE
Dadders and Mommers stand in front of a tomato garden in the
front yard.
DADDERS
This isn't an olive garden at all!
It's nothing but tomatoes!
Jan runs screaming out and away from the house. Dadders and
Mommers don't notice.
MOMMERS
I know. I didn't read the seed
packet. I was hoping you wouldn't
notice.
DADDERS
(sighing)
Well this was a disappointment.
Let's go back inside.
INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Gravier and Sissy are jumping on the couch. Dadders and
Mommers enter.
DADDERS
Hey cool, they're still alive.
GRAVIER
Dadders! Mommers! Jan ran away
when she met Sissy.
MOMMERS
Oh thank god. I was afraid she
would ask for more money when she
found out there was another one.
GRAVIER
And she said all my friends who
went missing were in her basement.
DADDERS
She did? Mommers, I think it's
time for us to tell Gravier the
truth.
MOMMERS
I suppose so.
GRAVIER
Huh?
DADDERS
Have a seat, son.
Gravier sits down on the couch.
MOMMERS
Gravier, there's a reason your
sister is a little different than
you.
Gravier looks over at Sissy, who is chewing on the back of the
couch.
GRAVIER
She is?
MOMMERS
Yes, and the reason is... you're
adopted.
GRAVIER
What does that mean?
DADDERS
It means four years ago a girl got
knocked up, and her parents forced
her to give the kid away, so she
gave him to us.
GRAVIER
What does that mean?
MOMMERS
We're not your real mommers and
dadders.
GRAVIER
Oh. Is Jan my real mommers?
MOMMERS
Oh, no, I have no idea who that
was. That was just some weirdo.
But if a girl named Lizzy ever
comes around and says that she
wants to take you back, you tell
her you don't know who Gravier is,
and that your name is Roscoe and
you were born in Alaska.
GRAVIER
Okay!
DADDERS
Now that that's out of the way, it
looks like Jan left her car in the
driveway, and I know someone who
has just learned his A-B-Cs and one-
two-threes who might be able to
read out her license plate over the
phone to the cops... but I'm still
having trouble when I get up to
seven, so you'll have to do it,
Gravier.
GRAVIER
Yay!
END