Title: When the Tide Changed
Author: Rhasa aka Sarah
Rating: T
Status:Standalone Complete but others similar to this may follow…
Disclaimer: These characters are the property of Cameron and Eglee and Fox. They are used without permission. No money is being made and no infringement is intended.
Author's Note: At end
NB: The following is my 'missing' scene from Hello Goodbye. It takes place immediately after Max tells Alec that she killed his twin Ben. If you'll remember, Alec gives her a hug and this takes place immediately after….
When the Tide Changed
By Rhasa
"Sorry," Max sniffed.
"'Bout what?" Alec mumbled.
"About getting all girly on you. Soaking your shirt," she said with a small sad smile, indicating the tear stains on his front. "I guess I just …. I needed to get that out."
Alec shook his head slightly. "If it's anyone who should be sorry, it's me. I didn't know, Max. I would never have asked -"
"I know," she cut him off. "But it's kind of good to get that out. I guess I hadn't really had the chance to deal with it, ya' know? I didn't have time. Lydecker was on my tail and … well, I guess I've never really had an opportunity to talk about Ben's death with anyone."
Alec pulled back and looked at her surprised. "You never talked to Logan?"
Max's eyes widened, as if surprised by his question. "Sorta. Kind of. Not really. No," she told him truthfully. "He knows about what Ben did – how he killed those people. He knows that Ben died. But he doesn't know the truth. He thinks Manticore is responsible for Ben's death. I never told him … I never told him that I was the one who broke my brother's neck."
Alec didn't understand. Max and Logan shared everything. Didn't they? "Why not?" he asked her.
Max closed her eyes as if shutting out a thought; she tilted her head down before opening them again in an obvious move to avoid him. "How could I tell him, Alec? I couldn't stand the look in his eyes if he knew what I truly am. I couldn't stand it, if I was to tell him and then all I would see in his eyes would be fear …or worse."
"Max," Alec whispered her name as he used a finger to tilt her face up towards his. "Logan already knows what you're truly are, and from the way he cares about you I'd say that he likes what he sees. He wouldn't be afraid."
She wished she could believe his words. "He doesn't know that I am a cold blooded killer."
"You're not like that. That's not what you are," Alec told her. "You didn't kill Ben. Manticore did, and from my guess, the part of him that was the 'real' Ben died a long time ago. You may have ended his life, but he died free, Max; on his own terms; free from Manticore's control. He didn't suffer," he told her emphatically, as he looked down into her eyes. Seeing that she didn't look all that convinced by what he was saying, he continued. "Look, I know nothing I say will ever stop the guilt you feel, but you have to take comfort in the fact, that although Ben may have died by your hand, you gave him what he really wanted – an end to all the pain."
An end to all the pain. Max turned Alec's words over in her head. That's how she had seen Ben – as someone in pain – emotional and psychological pain. While he may have escaped the physical torture of Manticore, it was obvious he hadn't escaped the mental anguish that Manticore had managed to perfect. When she saw Ben in the church he looked lost, but more than that, he looked haunted, and plagued by demons – both past and present. She was convinced deep down that he himself knew that he wasn't 'right'. He was, after all, killing himself over and over again by tattooing his victims with his own barcode and then slaughtering them. An end to all the pain. Alec's right - that's all Ben really wanted, she thought to herself.
She looked into Alec's eyes, the eyes of Ben's clone, and for a moment imagined Ben as he may have turned out. Given the right circumstances, she could see her brother with the same self-assuredness, the same charm and cocky arrogance that Alec possessed. Ben had cared about his brothers and sisters. Like Zack, he had wanted to protect them going so far as praying to the Blue Lady to deliver them from Manticore. Conversely, Max saw the same compassion for family in Alec's eyes. He cares, although he doesn't always seem to show it, Alec cares, about me and about the others, she realised
Not knowing Max's inner thoughts, Alec sensed she still had doubts, and continued to reassure her. "Maybe I didn't know the guy," he told her, "but I like to think there is something similar between us, other than our looks that is, and I think that if there was some way he could talk to you, or get a message to you, or something like that, then he would tell you that you saved him, Max. What you did saved him."
Max couldn't help it – she was going to cry again. Alec had somehow managed to say the very words that she needed to hear. She was stunned by how well he seemed to understand what she was feeling and was touched by his sweetness.
At the first hitch of her breath, Alec reached for her once more, whispering a soft "come here," before drawing her to his side and resting his chin on top of her head.
Max breathed in deeply, and blew out a shuddering breath as Alec reached a hand up and began stroking her hair. The rhythm of his touch seemed to help her get her emotions under control. The embrace they shared was comforting and warm and Max was reluctant to admit that it was something she had been missing for a long time. The free-falling sensation that had gripped her insides only moments ago seemed to be diminishing by the second.
"It gets better with time," Alec told her, as he ever so softly kissed the top of her head - the small gesture causing a flutter in Max's stomach. "I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but it's true."
Max said nothing, but acknowledged to herself that what he said was probably true. The trouble was, a part of her didn't want it to get better – she didn't want to forget about her brother. Her memories were all she had, and as painful as they may be, to lose them would be a loss too great, especially since she had searched for him or at least some sort of connection to him for so long.
She thought about telling Alec about these feelings, but doubted whether she could articulate them in a way in which he would understand. Instead, she remained silent for some time, enjoying the comfort he was offering her. The silence seemed to stretch on endlessly between them, but was eventually broken when she whispered, "Tell me about her… about Rachel. Tell me about how you felt when she died."
Max couldn't see his face, but sensed that Alec was surprised by what she had asked of him. It was not a part of his life that he had been ready to share in the past, but since, to use his own words 'they were already knee-deep in painful subjects,' perhaps it was time to practice what he preached and let go.
She both heard and felt him swallow hard right before he began. "I felt pretty much like you feel right now," he told her softly, his words muffled as he breathed them into her hair. "Like Rachel's death was entirely my fault. Like I was drowning and it would go on forever. Like someone had ripped my heart out, cut me off at the knees and punched me in the gut at the same time. Sometimes, right after I woke up, I would think for a second or two that it was all a dream; then reality and all those sensations would come flooding back – the agony that that caused – the physical pain – it felt worse than taking a bullet or any other injury I've ever sustained in the field. I thought those feelings would never end. I thought that never a day would go by without me reliving it. And a part of me was glad, because I thought that was exactly what I deserved."
Max was taken aback by his descriptions, amazed at how perfectly he had described exactly what she, herself, was feeling. In a way she was glad that what she was feeling, no matter how soul crushing, was in a way totally normal – the fact that Alec felt those same things gave her some small comfort – but another part of her was deeply saddened to learn that her friend was suffering just as much as she was.
"I played the 'if only' game a lot," Alec continued, after Max had remained silent.
She drew back and looked at him questioningly.
Sensing she didn't understand, he told her "You know, where you wonder about what 'could' have been, 'if only'? Like, 'If only' I had somehow convinced her father to cancel their trip; 'if only' I had got to Rachel sooner; 'if only she had believed what I was trying to say…" he shook his head slightly, before continuing. "'If onlys' just prolong the pain. It may come as a surprise, but I know what you're feeling, Max. And I know that the truth of the situation - that you did what Ben wanted and what you had to do - isn't going to bring you much comfort. It's corny, but it's true – time heals all wounds. Well, time, and having someone to talk to."
"Like you?" she asked somewhat jokingly.
"If you want," he said with a small shrug.
Max thought about it for a moment. "Won't talking to you about Ben's death stir up memories of Rachel?" she asked him.
Alec smirked a little. "Yeah, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm still dealing with it. And I'll admit, I think I could've handled my 'dealing with it' a bit better the second time round if I had shared what I was feeling with someone."
A frown crossed Max's face. "I asked-"
Alec looked down. "Yeah I know what you're going to say. You reached out to me, you knew that something was going on and I pushed you away," he admitted. "What can I say? Manticore didn't exactly teach us how to talk about our feelings with others. I did the only thing I knew how to do at the time – I kept it all inside and it nearly got me killed," he told her in his usual non-chalent way, before fixing her with an intense and surprisingly sincere look. "But I know better now. I know the importance of friends to help you through the bad times. You've taught me that."
"Me?" Max asked in surprise.
Alec smiled. "Yes, you. Thank you," he said with a grin.
"You're welcome," she replied with a small smile of her own.
"So, how about we make a deal. We'll talk to one another about Ben and about Rachel as we need to. No one else has to know. It's just between us."
"I think I can live with a deal like that," she said softly.
"Good, because my second option was to say 'suck it up soldier-'"
Max, mock punched him in the arm, causing Alec to feign injury. A small smile lit her face, and Alec was glad that his teasing made her feel a little better. Feeling a little lighter in his heart, he leant over and kissed her quickly on the cheek, his impulsiveness catching them both off guard. "Thanks," he whispered.
"For what?"
"For trusting me. At least with the whole Ben thing. You must have felt that I had abandoned you yet again when I didn't come to the hospital to help with the transfusion for Logan."
"In all honesty? Yeah, I thought you had let me down – again," she told him truthfully. When her honesty caused him to look away out of disappointment, she continued. "But a part of me worried that something had happened to you. And then when I found out that you were in jail, well-"
"You automatically jumped to conclusions and thought I had done something stupid-" he said, as if reading her thoughts.
"Alec, that wasn't a stretch of the imagination, given the type of person you are."
He cocked his head to the side, and wondered for a brief moment if he should rise to the bait she had just thrown him. "And what type of person am I, Max?" he asked jokingly, not really expecting an answer.
"Impulsive, reckless, opportunistic, egotistical," Max said without pause.
Alec's eyes widened. "No, don't hold back, give it to me straight," he said sarcastically.
"Somewhat arrogant, careless, self-absorbed, opinionated, stubborn, unreliable-"
"Well, now you're just doubling up," he quipped.
Though his tone was light, Max sensed her playful teasing had hurt him, and immediately felt guilty. "But you can also be charming, caring and compassionate and despite sometimes screwing things up, your heart's in the right place, which is why I think there's hope for you yet," she told him.
"You make me sound like a work in progess."
"That's one way of putting it," she said after a moment's thought.
He chuckled. "So you're not giving up on me?"
"Since when have I backed down from a challenge?"
Her comment made him laugh and Alec found himself feeling a whole lot happier than he had been earlier in the evening. The water Max was boiling for coffee began to boil and she moved away to prepare them each a cup of the warm brew. Alec watched her steady movements and noticed that she too looked as if she felt a little lighter than she was before. It was the first time that he had had a heart to heart with another of his own kind, and he was surprised at how good it felt. He had felt somewhat awkward when he first arrived at her apartment after their jail breakout, but now he found himself feeling right at home. Who would've thought?
And who would have thought how the two young transgenics would spend the rest of their evening – doing what they had never done, or even thought to have done, ever before.
They talked.
They talked about betrayal and nightmares and whether there was a heaven or a hell and where they would go being creations not made by god, and killers and all. They talked more about family and friendship, love and loss, missed chances and opportunities, and compared Rachel with Logan and vice versa. And all the while they talked, they wondered secretly to themselves just when the tide had changed between them; because it was obvious from the way they shared their hopes and their fears that they weren't polar opposites as they first suspected and that maybe, just maybe, they had something they could offer to each other …
THE END
Author's Note:
Okay… So I don't know where this little one came from. During my convalescence I manage to rewatch some of my favourite episodes and I just thought there was a gap inHello Goodbyebetween Max's confession and the morning where Logan sees Alec leaving Max's apartment. I would like to think that much more sharing went on, because Max looked kind of pleased in the morning and Alec felt comfortable enough to throw his arm around her.
Also, I know many of you are waiting for the next chapter to Today They Won the Battle. I am working on that and there isn't much further to go. I was in hospital for a few weeks with pneumonia – AGAIN. And I am slowly getting my strength back I can't sit at the computer for very long because I just get too tired, but I vow to finish it. I really want to make 200 reviews on that one – so if you liked this and you haven't read that, then I suggest check it out through my author link (and if you could review – well that would make my day).
Speaking of reviews, I would love to hear from anyone who reads this. What you liked, what you didn't like, I really don't mind. So please hit the review button. It may just give me the boost to get on with TTWTB. I also love to use your plot suggestions.
Til next time
Sarah