Death Sparkle
Lying in her hospital bed, Bella gazed deep into the perfect, godlike topaz eyes of Edward, his glorious visage a scintillating, pale mass of perfect manflesh.
"Are you in much pain, Bella?" He asked, his gorgeously delicious breath wafting over her like a wave of cool, pure love. "The doctor says you are entering labor."
"Oh Edward, you're so handsome! No, I'm not in pain even though I should be delivering a baby," gushed Bella, her plain face scrunched up adorably, "but how can you tell?"
"I don't know, Bella. Stop asking such stupid questions." elucidated Edward brilliantly, "Vampires don't breed. We're just making this up as we go along. We figured the gushing blood from your lady parts was a bad sign, so I rushed you to the hospital, remember? It was only a few minutes ago."
Bella reached for his flawless head, the gorgeous skin pulled over angelic bones, but she accidentally knocked over a glass of water all over Edward's shirt "Oh, I'm sorry! I 'm so clumsy!"
"It's okay, It's part of why I love you. Here" and Edward gloriously removed his shirt with his perfect arms, revealing a beautifully sculpted, godlike set of abs. Upon beholding this perfect image, Bella briefly lost consciousness.
"Bella? No!" screamed Edward, clawing at his own lovely form of beauty. He shook her slightly, bringing her back to consciousness.
She awoke and looked at him "God, you're perfect" she whispered.
"I should never have made love to you! It may have been orgasmic beyond human comprehension, but now I have wrought an unholy fate! Curse me!" Edward whispered in his perfectly cultured tone of awesomeness.
'It's okay, love , I-"
Her words were cut short as the door to the hospital room flew open. In the doorway stood a man in a long red coat and oversized red fedora. His hands were clad in white gloves, and upon his eyes were a pair of sunglasses. He wore a grin of utter madness; behind him a trail of corpses was visible. Blood was still wet upon his mouth.
"It's….It's him!" whispered the pathetic creature beside his wench. "The No-Life King….Hellsing's trump card….The vampire Alucard!"
The grin upon Alucard's face widened. "If you're smart enough to know that...maybe you should have run. You might have lived a few more hours" From within his coat he pulled a massive black handgun, and fired a single bullet directly into the pitiful trash before him. Edward's entire gorgeous, sepharic head was completely removed, splattering the walls behind him with gore. A lump of brain slipped from what was left of his head, falling to the ground with a wet thump.
Alucard approached the bed, where Bella sat screaming, blood pouring from under the sheets. "Edward! No…I have no reason to live!"
"Indeed you don't, girl," said Alucard, "You must be the most monumental idiot in the universe. You didn't notice that the monstrosity in your belly is eating you from the inside out?"
"I don't care, just kill me. I won't live without Edward!" babbled the moron.
"Are you even listening, you vapid whore? There is an unholy ancient evil currently burrowing his way through your innards, do you get that?"
"Kill me, kill me, kill me,"
Alucard gazed on the picture before him then shrugged. "I'm glad you're taking it so well. That was the plan all along." He raised the Jackal and fired, shredding her torso and head. Blood and flesh exploded onto everything, leaving no doubt as to her death.
"Heh, too easy. I should have sent the police girl" said Alucard, stashing his weapon and turning to leave.
From behind him came a horrid sound. Looking back, he saw what was left of the corpse shudder. The stomach burst open, revealing a tiny head smothered in blood. Two massive green eyes occupied its skull; a wide mouth full of razor sharp fangs smiled with madness. It crawled off the bed and fell to the floor with a thump, flailing wildly. Quickly it began to grow, as though it was on fast forward, until a bloody man with long flowing white hair and an angelic set of features stood before Alucard, the blood running down his sculpted chest only adding to his ridiculous beauty.
"Well, I guess the mother was far enough along after all," sneered Alucard. "What's your name, beast? Do you have one?"
"Renesme Carlie Cullen. And you must be Alucard?" said the child in a wonderfully sexy voice.
"Yeah, that's me. Or, you could just think of me as your executioner." Alucard raised his gun and fired.
A shield of blood formed around the creature, deflecting the rounds. "Come," said Nessie, "Let us battle elsewhere." Jumping straight up, he crashed through the ICU, pediatric ward, and coffee room onto the roof. Grinning, Alucard followed.
"I can see you'll be a challenge, boy," said Alucard.
"A thousand years of Cullen breeding have brought forth the ultimate monstrosity," said Nessie.
"Oh, we knew that. We thought it was those two brats and their stupid romance. Guess we were wrong, huh?"
"Hah!" exclaimed Nessie with gorgeousness, "Our beauty and power is unmatched! That was but the beginning. We're talking movie series, video game, that kind of evil. A few centuries cannot match my godlike power!"
Raising his hands, Alucard intoned: "Control art restriction system, level 3, level 2, level 1, released. The Cromwell approval is in effect. Hold until the target is deceased"
Eyes opening up and down his body, Alucard began to transform into a dread creature of shadow. Dozens of arms formed, lunging at the monster. Nessie parried angelically, dodging with glorious speed, his hair flowing. The Jackal manifested from one of the arms, firing several times. Nessie threw up his shield and flew off the building, down the street.
"Can't run, you stupid boy. Can't run!" Alucard threw his hideous form after the child.
A random fangirl walked up, looking at Nessie, gazing at his nude form. "Wow, you're gorgeous! Have my baby!"
"Okay, if you run at him!" said Nessie, pointing at Alucard.
The girl ran at the vampire like one possessed. Taken aback, Alucard slowed down; he apparently had no urge to harm the girl. All of a sudden thousands more girls flocked out ward, bum rushing him and smothering him with their teenage strength. Alucard was buried under a massive pile of teenagers, as Nessie levitated like a marble god above the street in downtown Forks; all seemed lost.
From within the pile, the voice of Alucard rumbled forth. "Is this it? Is this your plan? To rule the world by conquering the minds of innocent children? Captivating them with your stupid, shallow vanity?" Throwing the girls off, Alucard rose to his feet. "You know, I've fought evil from the heart of Hell itself…but I gotta say, this is the cruelest thing I've seen."
"Oh surely it isn't that bad, is it? I've taken advantage of their teenage naivety and dazzled them with beauty. I've given them a fairy tale. Lighten up, will you?"
"Look, I've dealt with this before. I had to deal with this one kid in Montana, he wrote this lousy Star Wars rip-off with dragons and hairless elf groins in it – "
"Wait, what?"
"It was bad, I don't want to talk about it – I can tell you won't last. You're just another teenage fantasy I must eradicate. That's it."
Nessie narrowed his perfect eyes of glinting emerald. "Oh really, I have one last trick."
"What's that?"
"I SPARKLE!" roared Nessie. A cloud rolled away, revealing the sun, and suddenly every inch of Nessie was aglow with an iridescent glow. Beams of light sprang from every orfice, destroying buildings and detonating cars. His massive swinging manhood looked as though it was encrusted with diamonds; his buttocks were a perfectly sculpted crystal peach. From his nipples came beams of destruction: one took out a communications satellite, the other destroyed a plane full of commuters and burned a hole in the moon. From his mouth came an unholy roar.
"I'M A'CHARGING MAH LAZAH!"
"Holy sh –"
"SHOOP DA WHOOP"
A beam of death itself flew from his open mouth, piercing Alucard. It burrowed deep into the earth's core and flew through the other side into Australia, killing thousands. As it subsided, boiling hot magma bubbled out of the gaping wound in the soil.
"I did it!" exclaimed Nessie. "I destroyed the immortal Nosferatu! I – "
The sky, and everything else went black and cold. The magma froze solid instantly. A single eye opened in the darkness, and a voice echoed:
"I will eat your soul, vampire scum"
Alucard's hands reached out, tearing off every one of Nessie's limbs. A boot appeared from nowhere, crushing the vampire's balls with a single kick. Manifesting fully before his victim, Alucard reached into his chest cavity and pulled out the creature's heart, before devouring it whole with a grin.
"Sparkle in hell, motherfucker," said Alucard.
A massive dog formed out of one of Alucard's arms, and it devoured every last bit of his enemy. The last of the Cullens was no more.
A helicopter broke through the haze, landing near Alucard. The door opened and out stepped a woman in business suit and glasses. Behind her a young lady with disproportionately huge bosoms peeked out and said "Is it over?"
"Come Alucard, we need to track down the rest of the 'vampires' and finish them," Said Integra, "There can never be another sparkly vampire. Never."
One of the fangirls, whom Alucard had brushed off without killing, came up to him and said, "What do we do now?"
"Read Bram Stoker's Dracula," said Alucard.
Turning away, Alucard jumped onto the helicopter and rode it like a horse into the sunset because he's just that badass. There were more bad books to destroy, more vampires to annihilate. He had heard that Uwe Boll was making another Bloodrayne. That, he thought, would deserve one hell of an asskicking.
The End.