The Disadvantages of Elven Hearing

Author: Legolas Fanatic

Rating: K+

Disclaimer: The magnificent Professor J.R.R Tolkien is the absolute legend who is responsible for the creation of Lord of the Rings and I can take no ownership over the recognisable characters and places, they all belong to his genius mind. This story is solely for entertainment purposes.

Synopsis: The Fellowship are approaching Moria, getting closer with each step but they are still a ways off. Having stopped to make camp for the night, will they discover just what it takes to make an elf snap......?

A/N: Hello!! I have attempted another humour fic, yea or nay....that's up to you, lol. This was just an idea that hit me out of the blue and I had to write it down. This is only another short story, one-shot, and I hope it's funny to at least some people. Anyway, thanks for taking a look and please enjoy. Oh, and for those who don't know, Estel is Aragorn's elvish name and Mithrandir is Gandalf's but.....I think everyone knows that ^_^

Chapter One: The Disadvantages of Elven Hearing

Legolas bit his tongue as the gruesome, agonising sound reverberated through his skull for what had to be the thousandth time that night. He looked down at his sleeping companions from where he currently kept watch in the bough of a large tree, grating his teeth together.

He was actually surprised that the gnashing of his teeth had not woken any of them up; it was surely loud enough for even a deaf creature to hear. He was certain that if the horrendous noise sounded again, he would lose his sanity.

He held his breath as the seconds ticked by at a painfully slow pace.....but it did not sound again. He did not understand how Mithrandir, Boromir, Gimli and the hobbits were able to sleep through such an onslaught but they did, not even stirring. It was his elven hearing, that was the conclusion he had drawn. The sound mustn't be loud, just audible enough for his elf ears to catch, unfortunately.

He felt that at that moment, he would give his most valuable possession for human hearing capabilities so that he could remain blissfully unaware of the terrible, torturous sound that assaulted him every night. The others could not hear it in their unconscious states but he always did, having to endure it night after night after night, unable to find much sleep as the sound kept up its steady rhythm.

He had already had trouble finding sleep as the weight of the Mines bore down on him. They would reach Moria soon since their path through Caradhras had failed and he shuddered at the thought of entering the dark, dwarven area. Sleep did not come easy to him as of late, making him slightly irritable.

This however, this constant suffering was nothing more than gratuitous torture, he knew not what he had done to deserve such agony. The first night the crude noise had grated against his ears, he had thought one of the hobbits had been having a nightmare....but that was not to be. The hobbits had been slumbering peacefully, completely unaware to the noise that was to haunt him every night since.

His sapphire eyes now trailed to the ranger who lay on the far side of the camp, chest rising and falling with each deep breath he took, happily in the land of slumber. He looked relaxed, unburdened as he lay there, muscles in a state of leisure. Little did he know the distress he was causing his elven friend.

Legolas winced as, after a full minute, the noise sounded again, emanating from Aragorn. The human did not stir, only continued to sleep on whereas the archer shuddered and clapped his hands over his ears. He had thought he had been safe after the sound had been non-existent for a full sixty seconds, but he had been wrong. He could not escape it.

It was impossible for him to keep watch like this, with his attention focused on the nerve-grating noises Aragorn was emitting. This would be the perfect time for an orc to sneak into the camp and attack Frodo in an attempt to seize The Ring. Even if an army of the foul creatures thundered past the tree he was sitting in and swarmed Frodo he was certain his ears would still be able to hear nothing but the torture, the torture being inflicted upon him by his best friend.

There it was again, so soft but magnified cruelly by his elven hearing. Oh how he wished he could trade ear drums with Boromir, if only for a night. A night, a night without the constant agony....it would be so very, very relieving.

Another sound from the ranger and Legolas shuddered again, biting his lip harshly to stop from screaming in frustration, in despair as the noise repeated itself, without so much as a second's pause. How could one human be so infuriating? Especially Estel, his greatest friend.

His teeth renewed their gnashing as his slim fingers began rubbing his ears, trying to ease the pain from them. Of course, it was all in vain as Aragorn did it again and he felt another thread of his sanity snap the way a branch does under the strong heel of a boot. He could not take it much longer, he had already put up with it for so long.

He looked at Boromir but the human was as still as stone, nostrils widening and narrowing as he inhaled and exhaled air, but that was it. The Gondorian man did not make the noises Aragorn made and Legolas dearly wished that Aragorn could be as silent as Boromir.

Even Gimli, who he had thought would be the most painful to deal with of them all, lay silent in his slumber. A small tuft of hair from his ragged beard rustled slightly as the dwarf's breathing blew against it, but there was not the crude noise emanating from him like there was Aragorn. Just Aragorn, he was the only one torturing the elf. Mithrandir was always silent, always, always silent.

And again! He snapped his eyes shut and exhaled slowly to control himself as his blasted ears caught the sound. He knew that his teeth would not be able to stand much more grinding, they were filing down and soon he would have naught but gums left and then there would be no release from the pain.

Two consecutive snores later and Legolas had flung himself down to the ground, his elven stealth not making a noise as his hands formed clenched fists at his sides, jaw clenched furiously. He could not take it anymore, this had to stop or else he was certain he would go mad, completely and utterly mad.

His elven feet danced him over the sleeping forms of Pippin and Merry who lay huddled together, breathing even and bodies relaxed. They, too, were unaffected by the horrid noise Aragorn made. He stepped past Sam, Frodo and Gimli as he crossed the clearing with purposeful strides. Boromir came next and the look the Prince sent him could almost be described as envious. Envy for his primitive, human ears that could not hear the onslaught of soft snores.

Gandalf lay with his eyes open, in the style of the elves. His gaze was unseeing but it fell on Legolas and the elf felt slightly unnerved by the Istari's intense orbs, even though they registered nothing. Gandalf's ears also denied him the torture of Aragorn's snoring. He, too, received a jealous look from the archer.

He knew that Aragorn deserved his rest, they all did since they had spent the entire day travelling but this had to cease and cease at once for he could stand it no longer. If he heard a single more nasal grunt from the human he would crack.

He stood over Aragorn's limp form and gazed down at him. He looked so innocent, so vulnerable....but it was an illusion. He was truly sadistic, a sadistic, sadistic person.....he had to know what he had been doing to the elf over the past few days. He had to know.

He hesitated, not sure he could truly interfere with his friends' sleeping, after the long, arduous travelling. He only had human endurance, even though he was raised by elves, and he needed re-

'Sngrrrrrr.'

That was it. A second later Legolas had bent down and placed his long fingers around the human's nose, squeezing the nostrils shut. Aragorn's didn't react, only continued to sleep on, for now. The snoring stopped, almost causing the elf to cry with joy.

He waited a minute...two....nothing came; there was no noise now except for the chirping of insects and rustling of leaves as the swayed in the light breeze. He closed his eyes and allowed himself a grin, a large almost slightly manic grin.

Then Aragorn convulsed an inch and his head snapped back down. The ranger could not breathe, he needed air. He sighed inaudibly, shoulders slumping as he removed his fingers from his friends' face. He did not want to deprive the man of oxygen for too long, he had not the heart to murder him even after the torture he had been forced to endure. He was, after all, still his most dearest friend. But this had to stop.

The next snore was louder than the others, its way of revenge. The elf winced and straightened to his full height, approaching his pack which was back at the tree he had been keeping watch in. His moves were swift as he was desperate to return to Aragorn before the human could make too many more of the foul noises.

He bent down and shuffled through the small pack, coming up with a light, thin under-tunic. He nodded in satisfaction and made his way back over to the ranger who released another painful sound.

After spending a second to shudder, Legolas bent and distributed the light tunic over the human's nose. It was light material, easy to breathe through so that Aragorn would not suffocate but maybe, just maybe, it would muffle the soft snores that he could hear so keenly.

He waited, body tense and hands clenched as he crouched over his human friend, breath held in anticipation. He stayed like that for almost ten minutes, as if carved from rock, not moving an inch in case he triggered the snore. He was not needed, however, as the sound that next emanated from Aragorn was only very slightly muffled by the tunic, its potency not reduced whatsoever.

It could not be, it was just not fair and it was the last straw. Legolas reached out and grasped the ranger's tunic, hefting him to his feet and pressing him up against a nearby tree, furious at the horrible, ear-grating sound.

Aragorn's eyes cracked open groggily, still slightly unfocused. As soon as his back connected with the tree, however, he became more aware. "L-Legolas?" He croaked, voice hoarse from the hours of sleeping. The hours of snoring.

Legolas pursed his lips. "Yes, it is I," he hissed almost urgently.

The ranger frowned, his awareness sharpening. "W-what is it mellon nin [my friend]?"

"It is your snoring! That is what it is!" Legolas' voice rose slightly, causing the rest of their party to stir awake, alerted to the commotion.

"My snoring?" Aragorn appeared genuinely confused.

The elf snorted, though it still sounded elegant coming from the immortal. "Yes, your snoring. You know not what it sounds like, again and again and again, repeatedly coursing through my skull!"

Aragorn stared at his friend carefully as he noticed Gandalf and Boromir rising to their feet behind Legolas, curious frowns creasing their foreheads. "Are you okay Legolas?"

"No!" The elf shook Aragorn. "Every night, be I on watch or asleep, I must put up with the crude noises you make. I can take it no more, Estel. You know not how it grinds on my nerves."

Aragorn swallowed, licking his lips to moisten them. "You do not like my snoring?"

The archer stared at him for a moment, as if unable to believe the words had been spoken. "Have you not listened to a word I have said, Estel?"

"I have mellon nin, but I think that you are overreacting..." Aragorn replied hesitantly.

Legolas blinked and gave the human another shake by the tunic front. "Overreacting?? I'm overreacting!?" He pushed up closer to the human, eyes glinting almost dangerously. "I have lost track of the nights we have spent out here Estel because all I can hear and think about are the noises coming from you! The others cannot hear them, they are too soft, but I can and I can take it no longer."

Boromir, Gandalf and Gimli shared a look, unsure as to what they could do to help this situation. "Legolas," Gandalf appealed as he moved forward. "My friend, it is not his fault that he...snores...."

The elf turned his blue gaze on the Istari and frowned slightly. "A valid point Mithrandir but did you hear it? It is nerve-grating; I have met some orcs who are incapable of inflicting such pain. Is there truly nothing we can do??"

The wizard wore a thoughtful expression for a moment before he lifted his staff. "I may be able to mask the sound, an easy enough spell," he decided.

Aragorn paled and pushed against Legolas whose strong grip wouldn't give way. "Gandalf, Legolas....stop this! Surely this is not necessary, they're just snores."

Legolas stared at Aragorn sharply. "Just? 'Just'!?? Do not ever, ever use the word 'just' and 'snores' in the same sentence for you have not heard yourself, you do not know how painful you are!"

The ranger swallowed heavily and tried to pry the slim fingers away from his collar. "You have gone mad, Legolas!"

"Nay," the elf snorted. "I am perfectly sane, that is what surprises me. After the long nights, listening to you snore......I honestly did not expect as much, I thought my sanity would have fled long ago."

Gandalf stood forward and gave the human a sympathetic look. "It will give him some peace Aragorn, the spell will not harm you. At least.....I don't think it will....."

"Think??" The ranger's eyes bulged slightly. "Legolas, please mellon nin, I did not mean to irritate you so but is this the answer??"

"Yes," the elf almost cried out, feeling joyous that it was going to stop. It was finally going to end and he could sleep in silence once more and actually keep a look out when he was on look out.

Gandalf paused, the end of his staff over Aragorn's brow. "Now Legolas, are you sure that he is really snoring? The rest of us cannot hear it....."

"Tis because of my elf ears Mithrandir," Legolas said, trying incredibly hard to keep the impatience from his voice. Here it was, about to end, and the wizard decides to question whether he knew what he had heard or not. He knew, oh yes, he knew.....

The Istari nodded and sent the ranger another sympathetic look. "It will take but a moment."

Aragorn shrank back against the tree as Gandalf began to chant softly, words indiscernible as he spoke them fast and low. He felt a slight tingling in his forehead, where the end of the staff was positioned and then nothing, as if nothing had changed.

"Is it done??" Legolas asked desperately, an almost pleading look in his sapphire eyes.

The wizard nodded. "It is, even your elven ears will not be able to pick up the sound now."

The elf sighed in relief and released Aragorn's shirt front, placing him back on his feet. "Hannon lle [Thank you] Mithrandir."

Gandalf nodded, smiling slightly as he made his way back over to Boromir, Gimli and the hobbits, all of who had found the display rather amusing. Merry and Pippin were struggling hard to contain their laughter, shaking visibly.

"Back to sleep now Master Hobbits," Gandalf chimed and the four Halflings made their way back to their sleeping spots, still smiling amusedly. The wizard then sat down against a tree and rested his staff beside, him, allowing his eyes to lose focus.

"Always knew the elf was a nutter," Gimli muttered softly as he sprawled back on the ground, unable to wipe the smile from his features as he thought on the situation that had just passed. Boromir laid down near him, the corner of his lip twitching before he closed his eyes and worked on getting back to sleep.

Aragorn straightened his tunic and gave the elf a stern look. "Was that truly necessary?" He whispered softly.

Legolas nodded enthusiastically. "Incredibly so. You would not believe what I have gone through."

The human's eyes narrowed as he lowered himself to the ground, pulling his small blanket over him for warmth as the others had done. "Well, you won't have to go through it anymore so I should be safe for the remainder of the trip."

"Should," the elf grinned before he turned on his heel and flitted back over to his tree, swinging up into the branches effortlessly. He made his way up to the same branch he had been on earlier and rested his blonde head back against the trunk, leg hanging over the branch and swinging in an almost triumphant gesture.

Aragorn shook his head before he closed his eyes and blocked the elf out. This was truly a night to remember, that was for sure. He would need to think of a way to repay Legolas for the favour he did him, oh yes....indeed he would need to be repaid.

Legolas smiled happily and focused on the noises around him, allowing his eyes to drift shut for a brief moment. A small insect was making flickering noises to his right, rather loud to his ears. It was a soothing sound though and he welcomed it, along with the soft patter of squirrel feet and light rustling of windblown leaves in the night air. All of them were so very welcomed after the snor-

'Sngrrrrrr.'

His eyes snapped open and he stared down at Aragorn sharply. No...it was impossible...Mithrandir had just masked the noise! How-?

It sounded again and as far as Legolas could see, it was not Aragorn. It came from someone closer to his position and the rangers' nose did not constrict, his mouth opening slightly as it always did when he snored.

His gaze fell on Boromir as the noise sounded again through his delicate ears but the man was not the source of the torture. It was the next person he looked at who was responsible for the pain, the pain he had thought himself free from. Gimli.

The dwarf's mouth opened, his nostrils contracting as he released another snore. Even though Aragorn was no longer a problem, he could not escape the horrible noise! Why? What did life have against him???

And again the snore pounded in his ears and he shivered, feeling something snap. Again. Why had Gimli not been snoring before??? What had he done to deserve this horrible fate!? Just WHAT???

He clenched his hands, jaw working furiously as he chewed on the inside of his cheek to stop from screaming out loud. The torture would not cease, never, and with each snore that left the dwarf's unconscious body.....he felt something more snap. He could take it no longer, it was just so unfair and his eyes narrowed in Gimli's direction. Déjà vu.

A/N: Well, I hope it was at least half-funny. Honestly, I don't really think it's that humorous but that's just me being iffy. Please review and let me know if you thought it was funny, it'd be great to know that the story at least made you smile a little, if not, feel free to tell me why it sucked, but in a constructive way of course. I am always open to constructive criticism, not flames though.... Thank you so very much for even opening this page, if you read it, I'd like to give you an even bigger thank you! Do review, it makes a writers day :)

PS: For anyone who read 'Misplaced Trust' and are wondering about whether or not I am planning to write a sequel yet, I am putting some information concerning that topic in my profile page. So, if you read it and are curious as to my actions on a sequel, go check it out ;)

Thank you all so much again. Hannon lle!!