It had gotten to be so routine that Kevin should have expected it. Yet it never failed to surprise and disappoint him.
It was starting to get to be too much for him to handle. It all came so easily to him; he was an affectionate person to begin with. All his life he was the kind of person who would hug a stranger if he thought they looked sad. He told his family every single day how much he loved and appreciated them. He always made sure to let his friends know how much they mean to him. Then why was it so hard for Connor to do the same?
"I love you," he said through a breathy moan, one hand tugging at Connor's hair, the other running up his chest underneath his shirt. Connor barely lifted his mouth away from Kevin's sensitive neck to mutter out his reply.
"I know."
Normally, Kevin would hide his sadness, preferring to let his gasps and groans replace the hurt in his voice. This time, though, he pressed both hands flat against Connor's chest and pushed him away.
"Why do you always say that?" he asked, locking his gaze with Connor's still lust-heavy eyes. He was still panting a bit from the other man's activities, but willed himself to be serious.
"Say what?"
"You know what I'm talking about," Kevin said bitterly. "You say it every single day."
Connor bit his lip, fully aware of what Kevin was talking about but unwilling to tackle the issue. "Kevin, it's just that I –"
"Do you not love me?" Kevin interrupted, the sadness clearly evident on his face. His normally vibrant brown eyes were dull and his voice had lost its usual positive tone.
Connor's eyes widened. "What? Of course I do, Kevin!" he said, reaching forward to wrap his arms around the younger man. Kevin pulled away, turning his gaze away from Connor.
"Then say it."
Connor winced at the biting tone in his words. He sat awkwardly still, eyes wide, mouth slightly open as he struggled to say those three simple words. In the end, he sighed in defeat. "I can't."
"And why the hell not?" Kevin spat back, sounding more hurt than angry. He couldn't think of any possible explanation for Connor's difficulty expressing his love, something that came so naturally to him. "Are you ashamed to be with me?"
"No!" Connor nearly shouted. He took Kevin's hands in his own before the brunette had a chance to pull them out of his reach. "Not at all. I just can't, because…"
Kevin sat expectantly, eyes trained on Connor. "Because…?" he prompted, rubbing his thumbs over Connor's knuckles.
"Because you're going to leave me!" Connor said quickly, eyes screwed shut. Kevin felt the older man's hand begin to tremble once the words were out in the air.
"What?" Kevin said gently, reaching up to cup Connor's cheek with his hand. "What are you talking about? Why would I leave you for saying you love me?"
Connor shook his head, his eyes closed in an attempted to hold back the tears that stung at the corners. "That's not what I mean," he said, his voice shaking. Anger dissipating, Kevin stroked his cheek and kissed him softly.
"Then what is it?" he asked, trying to sound gentle.
Connor took a deep breath, willing himself to not let his tears fall. "I can't say it because you'll leave me. Not right now, but someday. You'll find someone better, or realize that you don't like boys at all, or you'll tell me I was just some fun fling to keep you occupied on your mission. And if I say it and that happens, it'll just be so much more heartbreaking."
Kevin sat silently through the entire explanation, keeping his eyes locked on Connor's. "What are you talking about?" he asked, wiping away at any tears that managed to fall. "What gave you that idea?"
"Steve Blade," Connor said bitterly. He continued with his story before Kevin had a chance to interrupt. "You already know that he was my first crush. Even though I tried to turn it off, every single day since I started having those thoughts in fifth grade, it didn't work. I never said anything to him; I didn't want to lose the only close friend I had. But then in high school," his voice broke on the last word, a few more tears slipped down his cheeks.
"What happened in high school?" Kevin asked gently, never letting his eyes drift from Connor's.
It took him a moment and a few deep breaths, but Connor managed to continue speaking. "I don't know what got into me, but I started to think he might feel the same way. Like I had a chance with him. So, I told him. I told him that I loved him." His words caught in his throat and he let out a soft cry. Kevin was stroking his hair and whispering comforting words in his ear almost immediately. "I told him… That I loved him," he continued once he calmed down a bit. "And he laughed. Laughed at me for liking men, for being stupid enough to think I had a chance with him, for thinking he actually cared about me. And then he left. And I haven't spoken to him since."
Kevin didn't know what to say, so he remained silent. He wrapped his arms around Connor and held him close, slowly stroking his back. "Con, I would never do that to you. You mean way too much to me." He took Connor's chin and pressed their lips together, desperate to rid the sadness from his usually bright blue eyes. "When I say I love you, I mean it wholeheartedly. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you and I'm not going to leave you. I'm so sorry for snapping at you. I don't care how long it takes; I'll keep telling you I love you until you're confident enough to do the same. I promise."
Connor was left absolutely speechless by Kevin's words. He nearly tackled him to the bed as he lunged at him, arms wrapped around him in what was either a hug or a wrestling move. "Thank you," he muttered into Kevin's chest. "For understanding."
"Of course," Kevin replied, kissing Connor's hairline. "Now come on, we should probably get some sleep." The two crawled up the bed and laid together, wrapping the blanket around them.
And Kevin couldn't tell if he had dreamed it, but he swore he heard Connor whisper "I love you, Kevin," as he drifted off to sleep.