Mary-Sue's Adventure in Hogwarts

A fake RP Transcript by Vanora MacGrear

Ah, the sound of fan fiction being written… gosh darn it I hate it. Some people churn out novellas as good as the author's or writer's work, and others come up with complete crap, and become seriously offended when you laugh.

These are the Mary-Sue writers of the world.

For those of us who are fortunate enough not to encounter such works, a Mary-Sue is a character in a story (or role-play) that attempts to pull of the 1950's style Nuclear Family reminiscent of "Leave it to Beaver" and "The Brady Bunch". They are stories without plot, angst, or anything else that separates it from pure dribble. Even Harlequin Romance books are better.

Unfortunately, this happens all too often in RP. This is the first in my "Killing Mary-Sue" series, an Adventure at Hogwarts. With all hope I will be posting with several different genres of RP that I participate in. These are drawn from my own accounts, and to protect the ignorant, screen names have been changed. If I use your name in this and you are NOT a Mary-Sue… I'm sorry.

In this Mary-Sue bit, a Mary-Sue named Hermonine comes to Hogwarts Slash RP (which is clearly marked with SLASH, YAOI, YURRI, and any other term relating to male/male and female/female relationships). She drops in expecting to be the "Beautifulest Witch" in the entire school, and Harry to play the part of a boyfriend. Apparently she didn't know what SLASH meant.

Beautifulest_Witch walks into the classroom, sits next to Harry and begins to kiss him "Hi Harry sweetie!"

Harry Potter glances at the person who's kissing him and scoots away. Pushing up his glasses and assessing the girl with a worried glance. He casts a look to Vanora, brushing his black hair out of his face "So, anyway… Ron's been ill the last few days, I'm beginning to feel a bit worried about him."

Beautifulest_Witch pouts "Harry don't you want to hug me? I'm Hermonine!" glances at Vanora with a mean look "You're not cheating on me, are you?"

Vanora MacGrear was about to reply to Harry when she heard the stranger speak up "Huh? Cheating on you…? Ah… no, Harry would NOT be dating me, if you know what I mean." She shakes her head and glances back at Harry "I wouldn't worry about Ron; he'll pull through it. You English kids always do."

Beautifulest_Witch nods and wraps her arms around Harry "Harry honey, are you wearing the boxers I gave you for Christmas?"

Harry Potter blinks at Beautifulest, and raises an eyebrow "Excuse me, I was speaking to a friend of mine… who ARE you, anyway?" shaking his head and turns back to Vanora "Honestly… some of the students who come in here are purely bonkers, Van."

Beautifulest_Witch wants to play with Harry's wand. Takes it out and starts waving it around to get his attention

Vanora MacGrear sighs, rubbing the back of her dreadlock-clad blonde head "I definitely know what you mean, Harry, one minute you have a perfectly good day… the next you're surrounded by a bunch of rookies who can't wait to…" blinks, wide-eyed as Beautifulest starts to play with Harry's wand.

Beautifulest_Witch sticks her tongue out, turning Vanora into a frog "I'm Hermonine, I can do that!" (Stupid fake characters…)

Harry Potter blinks "HEY! That is MY wand!" takes it back from Beautifulest, frowning and returns Vanora to her true form, eyeing her. Knowing Vanora, she'd be likely to turn the poor witch into a lump of wax.

Beautifulest_Witch begins to cry "Harry, don't you LOVE me? I'm Hermonine!"

Vanora MacGrear smiles sweetly as she grips her wand in her hand, trying VERY hard not to get in trouble again. Her eye twitches slightly as she rises to her full 5'4, 100% American Witchyness, and takes a deep breath "Hey… betcha I can cast a levitation spell on myself before you can. Why don't you jump out the window and see?" (Stupid Mary-Sue… your lack of originality is killing me - I'm rolling on the floor laughing!)

Beautifulest_Witch sniffles "Fine… I'm going to take my boyfriend and leave! C'mon Harry!" grabs his arm

Harry Potter takes his arm back from her, and raises an eyebrow "Your boyfriend?" he asks with a bemused expression. He pushes up the bridge of his glasses and grins at Vanora "Funny, I thought Hermonine was going out with you?"

Beautifulest_Witch is NOT a lesbian!

Vanora MacGrear sniffles falsely, rubbing a knuckle under her eye "You see, Harry? I wish I had as good a lover as you do! Ron's so gentle and true and…" sighs, rubbing the back of her head as she glances to Hermonine "I guess you didn't like what we did last night, huh?"

Beautifulest_Witch says, "You guys are so sick! Harry wouldn't be gay and they don't have Americans at Hogwarts! What school are you from?! Beaubaxons?"

Vanora MacGrear slips OOC for a few minutes "Actually I'm an original character from SWICA - Salem Witch Institute - California Academy."

Harry Potter waits patiently IC

Beautifulest_Witch says, "I bet you ride a Firebolt too huh?"

Vanora MacGrear shrugs "Nope. Mantikore Kustom Broom. What's under YOUR bottom?" grins

Beautifulest_Witch says, "You can't do that! There's no such THING as a Mantikore Kustom Broom! I'm outta here; you guys don't know how to role-play and you guys are SICK.

Beautifulest_Witch leaves

Vanora MacGrear hops BIC ("Muh ha!" slaps another "Mary-Sue" sticker on her death count "Eighteen and still runnin'!")