Title: Smile
Genre: Drama, Romance (if you look at it from the right angle)
Beta: pinksnow1986
Fandom: Prince of Tennis
Pairing: Silver Pair
Disclaimers: All Konomi-sensei's. Didn't make money off of this. Don't sue.
Summary: "That smile.Accompanied by the almost boyish habit he has of rubbing the back of his neck as he gave me that shy, hesitant, awkward smile...God help me, I was so far gone, it was a surprise to me that my mouth could still work without the help of my brain…"
First Kiss Series
Smile
I have always loved Shishido-san's smile. Simply because it's not an expression you usually see on his face. A frown, a pout, a moue of disgust, a glare, a smirk—those are what you usually see on his face; the smirk being the closest to a regular smile that he has. However, Shishido-san's real smile is something wonderful. He always looks uncomfortable when he smiles for real… and his smile would almost always come out looking all shy and hesitant and awkward. It's adorable!
That's why I feel it's justified, this irrepressible urge I have to close the distance between us and learn how that smile would feel like against my lips.
We were the last ones to leave the tennis courts after club practice. Shishido-san insisted on being on the receiving end of my Neo-Scud Serve after everybody else has gone home. He was able to return sixty percent of the balls I served him, which was pretty impressive! And when we got to the club room to change, I told him so. And that's when he did it.
That smile.
Accompanied by the almost boyish habit he has of rubbing the back of his neck as he gave me that shy, hesitant, awkward smile.
God help me, I was so far gone, it was a surprise to me that my mouth could still work without the help of my brain…
"Shishido-san, I…"
His smile toned down into a very, very slight curving of the lips as he looked at me in expectation of the remainder of whatever it was I was going to say.
"Shishido-san, may I…" I can't believe I feel this compelling need to ask for permission! But I can't NOT ask for permission, right? It's only good manners to do so… I think…
"Choutaro…?" Shishido-san prompted me, "You were saying…?"
"Anou... Shishido-san, may I… that is, I would like to…" I would like to kiss you. How are you supposed to ask for permission for something like that?
I looked back at him and I saw that he was still waiting for me to finish what I started out to ask. He was looking. At me.
Then he gave me another smile. This time, to encourage me.
… And I was lost. The last words that flitted through my mind was, 'Oh, to hell with it! Who asks for permission for things like these, anyway?' And I swooped down on him just when his mouth turned into a little 'oh' of surprise. Perfect! I always knew Sengoku-san did not have a monopoly on luck!
Inexperienced though I was in matters like this, my enthusiasm probably masked it. It may have been playing dirty, it may certainly be considered unfair, but I took advantage of Shishido-san's momentary shock to acquaint myself with the feel of his lips against mine, to get drunk on the velveteen roughness of his tongue, sliding against it, gently coaxing it to play with mine, to revel in this unprecedented closeness with him that I can actually breathe in what he breathed out.
But all too soon, the shock passed. He gathered his wits about him enough to gently push against my chest. That was all he needed to do. A gentle push. A silent entreaty to stop. A rejection so kind, it just about broke me right there and then.
A few heartbeats pass in heavy silence.
"Choutaro…" I always knew Shishido-san would be the first to break the silence. He was never very good with silences. And yet, I knew what he was going to say and so I vainly attempted to delay the inevitable.
"I've always wanted to do that, Shishido-san… I've always wanted to know what it would be like…" I tried to make my tone as light-hearted as I could manage, tried to make myself sound like a curious child out for a discovery, nothing more; but I could feel the blush rising to my cheeks anyway.
He shook his head at me, and from our close proximity, I could practically see the wheels in his head turning. Just from the slight un-focusing of his eyes, I can almost see him mentally grasping for words. "I… I don't know what to say…"
I gave a small, sad smile…. "You don't have to say anything, Shishido-san."
Another period of heavy silence descended upon us. But I can see that he was still trying to work out the situation in his mind. He was still trying to string together the words that I know would surely break my heart.
Oh, I know is Shishido-san isn't cruel. It isn't in his nature to intentionally inflict pain. And for some reason, he seems to be especially careful around me. He knows how gruff he normally is and he usually takes extra measures to make sure that he doesn't hurt my perceived tender sensibilities.
Or maybe he's just trying to be a good sempai to a promising kouhai? I really cannot say for sure. But I do know that he isn't one to leave things hanging in the air, either. He will not stand for uncomfortable gray areas when a few well-chosen words could clear the whole matter. But therein lies his whole dilemma - he's never been very good at choosing his words either.
"I…" It seems he's finally decided. All too soon, he went on to say the one thing I've wanted to avoid hearing since my lips left his: "I belong to Atobe, Choutaro," he said with a sigh as he turned his head to look out the window.
Ah. He went for the simple and direct approach. I've always suspected, of course. And I'm guessing he knew that part of me has always known about his longing for our inimitable team captain. That knowledge didn't make it any less painful.
I would've sworn I heard my heart crack at that declaration. But I could also be stupidly single-minded in my determination. Despite the blinding pain, I plodded on, hoping that logic, if nothing else, could win him over. "But Atobe-san will never…"
His head swiveled back to look at me so fast, it was a miracle he didn't break his neck doing so. He wordlessly studied my face for a few seconds before he quietly whispered, "I know that. But I'm willing to wait." And as though the thought of the long wait ahead of him tired him out, Shishido-san leaned back against the lockers behind him, his head tilting back, and his eyes closing in weary resignation.
I was pretty much in the same condition he was in. I chose to slump onto the bench closest to him before deciding to give it one more go. Yes, I wanted him that much.
"I could wait with you, Shishido-san." I told him almost as quietly. "While you're waiting for Atobe-san, I could be here for you. I don't mind if I'm sort of like a substitute…"
Once again, I seem to have surprised the heck out of him. His head snapped back to look at me and it seemed as though his eyes were about to pop out of his head. And then, slowly, he shook his head at me.
He tenderly ruffled my hair, the way he usually does when he's pleased with something I've done.
"You're an idiot, you know that? Why would I do that to you? Listen, Choutaro, you deserve much better than that. You deserve better than to be anybody's substitute." He chucked me under the chin and that surprised me enough to look up at him. "I'm an idiot who's given his heart to somebody who won't even look at me. And you're an idiot for wanting an idiot like me. Quite a doubles pair we make ne?"
And then, finally, he smiled at me. That shy, hesitant, awkward smile that conveyed his gratitude and his apology and the offer of a life-long friendship… nothing more.
I smiled back at him. I couldn't do anything else when faced with that smile.
But I knew, just as he was willing to wait for that one person to look back at him, I, too, was willing to wait. I have no choice. Every time I see that smile of his, I have no choice but to fall ever deeper into this weird muck I recently discovered was love. As long as that smile gets directed at me from time to time, I know I can wait.
Owari
La Fuego
10/09/2007