A/N: The song is "Gotten" by Slash ft. Adam Levine. Check it out. It's beautiful! Song lyrics are in bold Italics.
Obviously Punk isn't mine.
I'd love you all to review this one. I found it exceptionally hard to write - which is a little bizzare as it's not exactly full of Substance! so your reviews and feedback will be loved, cherished and adored!
Phil emerged from the arena to find the parking lot deserted and breathed a sigh of relief. The night was dark and cool, no moon in the sky to shed any light and the few lights of the car park did little to illuminate the surroundings.
Dropping his bag to the ground beside him, Phil leant against the wall of the arena and welcomed the silence. The constant touring in the last two years had been a welcome distraction, each town much like the last. No memories to haunt him and no familiarity to bring up the past. But tonight was different. This was not just another town. He couldn't find shelter in the unfamiliar territory. This was her town and even the smells in the air were wreaking havoc with his mind. There was no escape for him tonight.
Phil couldn't put his finger on what exactly caused him to look up a few moments later. It may have been that the complete silence was interrupted by the sound of movement. Maybe years of excessive training had heightened his instincts, or maybe he had caught the scent of her perfume in the air; but when he looked up he found a figure watching him from a safe distance away. The darkness hid her well but Phil knew, down to his core, who it was and all of a sudden his past became the present - and he couldn't turn away.
So nice to see your face again
Tell me how long has it been
Since you've been here
(Since you've been here)
He stood perfectly still as he watched her. He didn't make a sound. He could barely even breathe. He could definitely not tear his eyes from her petite form although part of him was screaming to do it. It was a wise directive to leave the past as the past, but that small part in his mind could be heard through all the protests, telling him just how good it was to have her near him again. To see her again, and this was the part of him that he listened to now.
As he watched her, she slowly began to make her way towards him. Her steps were hesitant, approaching him like an untamed animal, as though she were afraid or as if she were trying to ensure he wouldn't run away. Perhaps she was giving him an opportunity to do exactly that. Regardless of the reason, Phil didn't stir. He just kept his intense green eyes trained on her approach. Flight or fight? It was a classic survival situation although Phil could not deny his own survival had not been high on his priority list in the last two years.
You look so different than before
But still the person I adore
When she was only a few feet away, just out of his grasp, her features were captured in the harsh light and Phil was momentarily floored by her change of appearance. He studied her now, with her now dark hair barely brushing her shoulders and her petite frame now bordering on scrawny, but when his green eyes finally reached her pale blue ones, he could still see the tiny blonde woman with hair falling to the small of her back that used to frame his face and tickle his nose when she leant over to kiss him goodnight or that would softly trail down his chest and stomach as she made her way down his body. The lively woman that had once been his. When he looked into her eyes, she was still that same woman who had his heart.
Frozen with fear
She had stopped when she noticed him staring at her. She was now so close her scent wafted over him like a dream and, if he wanted to, if he was brave enough, he could reach out and touch her.
I'm out of love but I'll take it from the past
He couldn't.
He was under no delusions about how his life had turned out after she was gone. It seemed so easy for everyone to pick themselves up after heartbreak. To move on with their days and their nights as though a vital piece wasn't missing. They went through the motions and eventually, someone else came along to fill the void and happiness became tangible once again.
Not for Phil. He went through the motions like an old pro. Much like some of his wrestling moves, it became almost automatic. But the void had never been filled. He had never been the epitome of social, but now? Now it was a forced effort to keep a smile on his face. To seem jovial. His last girlfriend had accused him of being incapable of being happy, unable to show any kind of affection. She had been half right. It just wasn't in him any more. He had nothing left to offer another woman who might come along. His heart was empty and hollow. He couldn't love anyone. It was something he had eventually accepted and something that ensured he would remain alone.
But that seemed irrelevant as she stood before him. She brought with her everything he had been and everything he had once been capable of.
I'm out of words cause I'm sure it'll never last
She was staring back at him now. She still had that look of uncertainty in her eyes, but she had moved another two steps toward him. She was impossibly close, looking up at him as though she was trying to look through him, to see if he was still broken. He hated that. That she could see straight through him when no one else had a hope in hell of figuring him out. Hated that she was the only person that could make him fall to his knees at her feet. He wasn't that guy. He hated that there was a part of him, driven by the memories of their past, that wanted to.
"Aren't you going to say anything Phil?" Her voice was just as he had remembered, and the reaction he had to hearing it again was almost unbearable. Hearing her say his name, the only time he had heard someone call him by his first name who wasn't family in the last two years, almost broke him completely. He could remember, as though it was the most recent memory he possessed, how it felt to hear her whisper his name with complete abandon. With need, with want. Over and over again until she lay trembling in his arms, completely content. He shook his head as though the movement could dislodge the memory from his mind.
And what could he say to her now? You have my heart and I want it back? Somehow it didn't seem appropriate. And what would be the point? What ever was happening here in the dark, in this moment between them, would be nothing more than another painful memory in the end. When it came down to it, Phil trusted her standing before him, about as much as a man dying of thirst could trust a mirage.
"Hey Sophie" he finally muttered, the meagre greeting sounding ridiculous even to him. So much for the quick witted, sharp tongued superstar he had the reputation of being. Sophie obviously thought the same and confirmed this by raising an eyebrow in question. Before Phil could stop himself, he found himself sending a fleeting smile in her direction as a response.
Maybe it's the bitter wind
A chill from the Pacific Rim
That brought you this way
(Brought you my way)
"What are you doing here Sophie?" He tried again. He was thankful that his voice had lost none of its edge, and although the question was rather cliché for the situation, it was still a valid one. Her quick glance to the ground did not go unnoticed by him and he began to wonder if he really wanted to know why she was here, standing in front of him, now, after all this time.
Eventually she looked up into his eyes again and gave him an apologetic smile. She made his heart stutter. She was so beautiful.
"Heard you were in town" she told him, shrugging her shoulders. Phil didn't quite believe it. He had been in this town once before since she had left, and he had spent the longest night of his life lying awake, imagining what it would be like to see her. But he hadn't. Something had brought her here this time though, and he was almost afraid to ask again.
Almost.
"And?" He prompted.
A sigh escaped her lips and Phil straightened against the wall he was leaning on, as though to prepare himself for her answer. Not daring to hope, too damn scared to imagine the worst case scenario.
"He heard you were in town Phil. He... it didn't put him in the best mood. He..."
Do not make me think of him
The way he touched your fragile skin
That haunts me every day
Phil pushed his body away from the wall in an instant, wrapping his arms around her and holding her small body against his own, as though it would help. As though it would take any pain that she was feeling, away from her. For one heart stopping moment, she didn't react at all. She just stood in his arms, letting him hold her. Then slowly she stood on her tip toes, adjusting to his height and her small hands found their way around his waist before running up his back and locking around his neck. He felt his whole body shudder at the contact. Or perhaps it was a reaction to what she had said. That man's hands on her in an act of passion or an act of violence…the idea had haunted Phil more in the last two years than the endless amount of sweet memories he himself had made with her in their time together. Some nights he wasn't sure what was worse; the memories of just how much he had lost, or the knowledge that she was out there somewhere being treated less than she deserved.
"Can I stay with you tonight?"
Her voice was soft and her breath tickled the bare skin of his neck. He almost thought he hadn't heard her right, or maybe he had just heard what he wanted to hear, but she lowered herself down to her usual height and looked up at him. Her expression was anxious. She was waiting for him to give her an answer. He was waiting for his heart to start beating again. She wanted to stay with him. The idea of her being so close to him for an entire night was almost enough to send him over the edge. He wasn't strong enough to endure that. He wasn't strong enough to deny her. When had he become so weak?
"Of course you can stay with me tonight"
xXx
Phil watched as Sophie made her way around his hotel room. She was taking her time, examining the generic artwork that hung on the walls, and hesitating in front of the king size bed that took up the majority of the room. He watched her as she slipped out of her heels, her back to him and her hair falling into her face, exposing the back of her neck. When she turned around to meet his gaze, she sent him a shy smile. He didn't move a muscle. Eventually, she walked back over to where he stood and placed her hands softly on his chest. It was a gesture that she had done so many times in the past; Phil could barely focus on the fact that she wasn't his any more.
I'm out of love but I can't forget the past
When she stood on her toes and brushed her lips against his, Phil could feel the last of his resolve slipping away from him. Almost every coherent thought he had was fading fast, and it was all he could do to lean away from her long enough to ask the question.
"What are you doing Sophie?"
"I want you to make love to me. I want to feel safe. I want you" she murmured. There was no hesitation this time. She answered so simply, as though it was the most natural thing on earth. As though it was right.
Phil wanted to save himself. He wanted to do the right thing. She wasn't his any more; she hadn't been in a long time. But that technicality paled in comparison to how he felt for her. How he knew she had felt about him. Circumstances had ruined them and now, it seemed that circumstances were giving him another chance, no matter how brief it might be.
I'm out of words but I'm sure it'll never last
Any protest he had thought of was pushed from his mind. He bent his head slowly, lifting her face with the tip of his finger and brushed his lips against hers, lingering there. She was soft and warm and there was no way he could turn away from her now.
His hands found their way to her waist; bringing her closer to his body and holding her steady as she leaned back to meet his mouth. When he ran his tongue gently along her lower lip, she willingly deepened the kiss, sighing into his mouth as he ran his tongue ring along the tip of her tongue.
When Phil finally broke the kiss, he took one of Sophie's hands, gently turning her around so her back was to him. He took a moment to brush her soft dark hair off her neck and over her shoulder, before placing soft kisses along the exposed skin of the back of her neck. As she leant into his touch, he took the zip of her dress and slowly dragged it down, exposing her perfect skin and the intricate black lace of her bra. Her dress pooled at her feet and Phil held on to her as she stepped back into his body, pressing against him as she stepped out of it. He placed one arm around her, his hand resting on her smooth stomach as he continued his trail of kisses along her shoulder blades. He felt Sophie reach up, her hand going around his neck, holding him in place. He used his other hand to unfasten her bra and let it fall before them before he turned her around to face him again.
She was looking at him intently and Phil could see her shaking slightly. She was nervous. He hoped he seemed more composed than he actually was. She was standing before him, almost completely naked and he was coming apart. He gave her a reassuring smile then slowly dropped to his knees in front of her. His hands came up to grasp the top of her lace shorts and he leant forwards, trailing his tongue from her sternum to the top of her shorts, dragging them slowly down her legs once his tongue hit the fabric. He could hear her breath catch in her throat as he did and his heart swelled with the knowledge that he could still have this effect on her.
Sophie's hands grabbed his shoulders for support as she stepped out of the last of her clothing. She was now completely naked and Phil found it hard to maintain the slow pace he had set. Her hands tangled in his short hair and as he stood back up, he brought her with him, lifting her up and guiding her legs to wrap around his waist as he led them to the bed.
When he placed her gently down on the covers, Sophie reached out for the hem of his shirt, tugging it gently. Phil leant over her, with his arms placed above her head so she could pull it off. When she had thrown it on the floor, her hands returned to his chest, tracing the tattoos that adorned his body.
"Some of these are new" she murmured. Phil just nodded. The feeling of her hands on his body was making it impossible to speak. He captured her lips for another kiss, pressing against her before he moved back down her body, letting his tongue graze over her breasts. His attentions caused her to shudder again and he held her still as he continued, tracing the same pattern from her sternum to her stomach, before settling between her legs.
Sophie's breathing became shallow before he even touched her. Phil placed a kiss on her inner thigh and moved one hand back on her stomach, trying to settle her a little. The first touch of his tongue against her almost sent her off the bed.
"Phil" she breathed out, his name nothing more than a soft moan.
"Shhh Soph." he murmured gently. He let her settle again before repeating the movement, his hands holding her firmly in place as she bucked against him. He continued for a moment until she was relatively still under his hands, then slowly pushed his tongue inside her before sliding it back out and resuming the pattern he had been tracing.
She moaned again, this time moving her hips to meet his tongue. As his pace picked up, her moans became more frequent and Phil had to reapply his firm grip on her to keep her still enough for him to continue. When her breathing became nothing more than short gasps, he moved his tongue directly over her clit and proceeded to tease her with short and deliberate strokes. When he felt her body tense beneath his hands he increased the pressure until he felt her begin to shudder.
"Phil, oh God, Phil..." she moaned softly, her body still shaking as she came down from her high. Phil ran his tongue along her once more, before moving his lips back to her inner thigh, pressing sweet and gentle kisses along her skin until she stilled beneath his mouth.
He moved back up the bed, covering her body with his own and stealing a kiss. He could feel her hands trailing down his chest, and his breath hitched slightly when he felt her stop at the belt looped loosely around his waist. When she had finally freed the buckle holding it in place, she gently began to push him off her to a standing position.
As Phil looked down at her, she sent him a shy smile, before working his jeans and boxers down until they hit the floor. He stepped away from them with ease, carelessly kicking them out of the way before moving back to stand in front of her. She was perched on the edge of his bed, her eyes gazing at his naked form and a slight blush staining her cheeks. The look only made the ache Phil had for her increase. When she moved forward, taking him into her delicate hands, he stopped her. The look of confusion on her face made him smile.
He moved over her again, gently guiding her to lie on her back. Moving his mouth to her ear he whispered, "I can't wait. I need you" and a short sigh of contentment escaped him when she responded by lightly raking her nails over his back.
He settled himself between her legs, his forehead resting against hers as he tried to calm himself down. He had lost count of the times that he had dreamt about being with her like this, each time waking up with a lingering ache in his heart as he realised the sheer impossibility of the fantasy.
He felt her hands move down his back once more, her nails digging into his ass almost playfully, causing him to open his eyes and smirk.
"There's the Phil I remember" Sophie whispered, biting her lower lip, her wide blue eyes staring up at him, smiling slightly.
"Are you sure Sophie?" He asked her. The question was redundant and he almost cringed at the way it sounded, hanging in the air as though they were playing out a scene in some dime store romance novel. It had never been his style, but he wasn't sure how else to guarantee that this was real.
Sophie pushed her body against his in way of a response, leaning upward slightly to place a small trail of kisses across his jaw.
There was no backing out now, even if he could regain control of his senses.
He entered her slowly, his forehead still resting against hers, watching her as her eyes fluttered closed from the contact. A breathy sigh escaped her when was fully inside her and Phil had to take a couple of deep breaths to keep his composure. He found her lips with his own, kissing her softly before biting gently on her lower lips as he began to move within her.
She moaned into his mouth almost immediately and her hands found her way around his neck to anchor his body to her own. His hands cupped her face, brushing her hair from her cheeks as his body moved against hers, rocking them both in a rhythm that was slow and deliberate.
As his thrusts deepened, Sophie's eyes opened and found his, her hands moving from his neck to his back. She dug her nails into his skin to encourage his movement and Phil had to fight to keep his control and not completely lose himself.
When she pushed her body against his, in an effort to move him, Phil indulged her. He rolled onto his back, taking her with him until she was on top. He sat up and felt her legs wrap around his waist, pulling him closer to her body. She was breathing heavily as she began to move against him, rotating her hips at a quicker pace than he had started.
He groaned in response, his hands falling to her ass and gripping her tightly to him, his lips finding her breast as her hands tangled in his hair. As her pace increased Phil could hear his breathing becoming laboured as he tried to hold on, her soft moans making it almost impossible.
"Phil..." she whispered, sounding out of breath. She didn't need to say anything, Phil knew she was close. He knew her body better than anything and could feel her tightening around him but hearing his name spill from her lips was sure to send him spiralling over the edge.
He tightened his grip on her, gently biting her shoulder and thrusting into her as she moved over him, pushing her towards her release. Moments later he could feel her whole body tighten and begin to shake as her head fell on to his shoulder. His name escaping her mouth over and over as she rode through her climax.
Feeling her come apart in his arms after so long without her was enough for Phil and he gripped onto her tightly as she continued ride him, growling her name softly as he came. When he finally caught his breath and opened his eyes, he saw her watching him, her blue eyes still clouded and a soft smile on her face.
"You always were the most beautiful thing I have ever seen" she whispered. Phil laughed at the sentiment that would have been disputed by anyone else who knew him. Beautiful had never been something to describe the straight edge superstar.
" I was never anything compared to you. I'm still not" He returned, holding her in his lap as she tried to move off him. He brushed the hair from her shoulder once again and placed a slow and delicate kiss on her collarbone.
"Just stay here" he muttered.
xXx
Phil held her in his arms when they were done, his large hands lazily drawing circles over her back, occasionally travelling up to brush through her hair. He could feel her breath on his chest as she lay against him and heard her occasional contented sigh that he knew was a sign she was close to sleep.
And I've been saving these last words for
One last miracle
But, now I'm not sure
"Stay" he repeated. His voice barely rose above a whisper. So soft that, if she wanted to, she could easily pretend she hadn't heard.
"You know I can't Phil. I made a choice. It may have not been the right choice, but I made a commitment." She murmured.
And I can't save you
If you don't let me
"You have an opportunity to make the right choice now. You don't have to be unhappy, or unsafe. Stay with me" Phil repeated, his tone begging her to say yes. He knew he could make her happy. He knew he could keep her safe and loved. She just had to let him. She had to let go of their mistakes. She had to let him save her from the choices they had made. She had to let him save them both.
"I made my bed Phil…Why do you keep trying to save me?" she asked softly. Phil was silent for a moment. There were so many reasons why he wanted, needed to save her; for her…for himself.
"You just get me, like I've never been gotten before" he finally told her. And it was the truth. It was the truth of so many things. Why he wanted to save her. Why he was praying for a miracle as she lay in his arms. Why he loved her…
They fell into comfortable silence. Although Phil was still and content, holding her in his arms, he couldn't stop his mind from racing from one thought to another; from the memories of their past, to this night where everything that had been impossible had happened. When he looked back down at Sophie, she had drifted off to sleep.
"Don't disappear" he muttered to her as he finally gave in to sleep, still holding her tightly to him; a last attempt to keep her in his life after fate gave him one last chance. One last miracle.
And I've been saving these last words for
One last miracle
But, now I'm not sure
And I can't save you
If you don't let me
You just get me, like I've never been gotten before
xXx
The morning sun dragged Phil from his slumber. Not the soft, warm rays of sunshine that sometimes filtered through the hotel curtains – but bright, glaring light that brought with it too much heat to sleep. Phil groaned in protest, his eyes firmly shut against the intrusion, willing himself to go back to sleep – before he remembered:
Sophie.
He could not feel her against him, and although part of him feared the worst, his hands still travelled to the side of the bed that he wasn't occupying, in search of her warm body. Naïve optimism, even after all these years.
She wasn't there.
Phil knew he shouldn't have been surprised. He had known the moment he saw her standing in the parking lot that this was a fleeting moment in time where the world made sense. His world made sense. It was never going to be forever. Not even the Second City Saint got the Angel or the fairytale ending.
But still, he had hoped. He had hoped that in the last two years they had suffered enough, and that fate would finally be on their side; that finally luck would grace them both.
Luck, apparently, was for losers.
He laid still, his mind running over the night before - Just another memory to add to the already painfully long list – until his alarm sounded, signalling that it was time to get up. Time to move on. Another city, another show, another day.
Another day without her.
And I've been saving these last words for
One last miracle
But, now I'm not sure
And I can't save you
If you don't let me
You just get me, like I've never been gotten before