Hello, hello, dear friends. I know you're probably thinking, "Noooo, not another one of those clichéd AU HS fics! When will they stop?!" I don't blame you. But give me a chance. I promise you won't be disappointed. (crosses fingers behind back)
Anti-Speed Violation
Oh, I Used to Rule the World
...
Every school had one, a student capable of slowing time as they walked down a crowded hallway, someone constantly illuminated by a mysterious halo of light wherever they went, someone for whom crowds of adoring fans and jealous haters parted with absurd synchronization just to make the journey to the classroom seem all the more ridiculously scripted.
Of course, none of it was ever scripted, because this student was only the most impossibly perfect being that just naturally commanded – and received – such unabashed adulation through sheer good looks, possibly perfect grades, but rarely a glowing personality.
Konoha Catholic High was no different than any other school. And in Konoha, said perfect being was none other than Sasuke Uchiha. The student body could not have asked for a better model for their pedestal of shallow worship; Sasuke fit the bill like a square peg into the square hole from which it came.
With looks that made boys question their sexuality, smarts that made nerds cry in their sleep, and a personality that made everyone else put knives to their wrists (He was a jewel, really. A very sharp jewel), who could possibly fail to fall in love with him?
"Can you stop fucking slowing down time, bastard? Some of us have classes to get to."
Only one person, of course.
Because every school had one of those too, a student who miraculously withstood all forms of peer pressure and common sense, and refused to kiss the ground on which the perfect student walked. Naturally, those two hated each other.
And, in Konoha, that student was none other than Naruto Uzumaki, only the school's greatest source of embarrassment. The girl had not a feminine bone in her body and broke every mold of the perfect catholic schoolgirl label. Neither prim nor proper, many wondered how the girl had managed to get in among Konoha's finest, most elite students.
Rumors ran rampant.
"Naruto! Stop making a scene! You're the one getting us late now!"
"Okay!"
With the few, simple words from her friend, Naruto dotingly followed the pink-haired girl like a groupie, Sasuke forgotten in the sea of sparkles that filled her gaze. Sakura, however, threw Sasuke an apologetic look, blushing shyly as she led her friend away.
Theirs was a friendship that confounded many. Sakura Haruno: picture perfect Catholic schoolgirl and female compliment to Sasuke's perfection.
Where Sakura was pretty, Naruto was, to put it politely, not at all. Where Sakura was smart, on par with Sasuke even, Naruto embarrassed even the most mentally challenged. Where Sakura understood the delicate workings of the social ladder, Naruto blatantly disregarded it and then shit on it.
Truthfully, though the exact means by which Sakura and Naruto's friendship came about was shrouded in mystery, after Naruto's transfer earlier that year, it became common knowledge that where there was Sakura, Naruto could be found not far behind.
It was Sakura's acceptance alone, as the female head of the student body, that kept Naruto from being fully ostracized. Best friends for life, through thick and thin, as the saying went.
While Sasuke could care less for the gossip surrounding the two, he would, incidentally, discover precisely the reason that lay behind Sakura's loyalty.
...
"Thank you for your tremendous help, Sasuke! It is such a divine pleasure to have someone like you in my class. It truly makes me believe in the beauty of youth once again!"
Sasuke bowed in goodbye and, when the professor turned around, discreetly began making his getaway lest the disturbing man act out on his sudden appreciation for the beauty of his youth.
It was one downfall to his current status as the school's glowing icon, having to assist his teachers with whatever task they needed help with. Today, it had been dumbing down a lesson plan so that not only geniuses like himself could understand it. Honestly, Sasuke didn't see the point. People like Naruto were a lost cause and should be weeded out whenever possible.
Keeping up his image had cost him an extra half-hour after school and made him late to the student council meeting, of which he was, unsurprisingly, the president. Sighing at his watch, Sasuke walked down the empty corridor.
No student was stupid enough to stay even a second longer after the last class was over. Once class duties had been completed the school became a ghost town. Thinking he was alone, it was understandable that Sasuke was startled to hear muffled voices coming from one of the classrooms down the hall.
The voices got louder as he got closer. Although they were hushed and secretive, Sasuke wasn't about to make the extra effort to avoid the slightly open door just to give them privacy. He wasn't a snoop, neither did he want to eavesdrop, it was just that this was the way to the council meeting.
When he was a few feet away, he realized he recognized one of the voices as Sakura. He was surprised, she was supposed to be at the meeting too. Maybe he should stop and they could walk together.
The idea was blown out of the pool when he heard the other voice clearly, recognizing it easily as the irritating blonde friend attached to the girl's hip.
"Sakura-chaaan!" Her voice had deepened into a husky growl. Keeping quiet was probably too hard for her.
"No! I said no, Naruto! We're not doing this here!"
"Come onnn! I know you've thought about it!"
Sasuke could hear the pink haired girl splutter at her friend's words.
"N-no, I have not!"
Naruto laughed. Even Sasuke wasn't convinced.
"Uh-huh. Riiiight. You know the sight of me in this little skirt turns you on."
Wait. What? Sasuke was suddenly apprehensive of what exactly he was overhearing but he couldn't very well walk in like he'd previously meant to. How awkward would that have been?
Sakura scoffed. "Oh please, Naruto. You look like – what are you! No! Stop! Close your legs, that's gross!"
To his horror, Sasuke blushed in mortification. He was not hearing this, he absolutely was not. He fought the urge to childishly hold his fingers in his ears and hum songs to himself.
The sound of Sakura's laughter made him freeze and he pulled his hands down from where they'd been journeying up to his ears.
"Haha, N-Naru… hahha, that's, haha, that's enough!"
Sasuke did not want to know what exactly was going on in there. Okay, maybe a little, but he didn't have to admit it.
"Seriously, Sakura," Naruto's voice came again, this time more serious and less whiny than before. "You've denied me for three months now! I think it's time to pay up!"
"Oh, shut up. I don't have to 'pay up' anything."
"Yes, you do!" Naruto was no longer bothering to keep her voice low despite Sakura's shushing.
"You have no idea what I had to go through to get transferred here! That stupid hag wouldn't let it go! And my armpits are burning because of that fucking razor and – that's not funny – and I'm wearing this fucking skirt, and god damnit, I'm horny!"
"This hasn't exactly been easy for me either!"
Sakura tried to cut in, but Naruto was apparently on a roll.
"And then I get here and have to see you make googly eyes at that bastard, Sasuke, every fucking day – "
"I do not make 'googly eyes' at Sasuke!"
" – and it just pisses me off because I'm right here and can't even do anything about it! I transferred here just to be with you and you don't even pay any attention to me!"
Oh, fucking God, Sasuke thought. Not only had he stumbled upon a lover's spat, he'd walked in on a fucking lesbian lover's spat. That meant twice the irritating girl and twice the irritating drama and twice the hurt feelings and crying and all-around over-exaggerated female tragedy.
And did Naruto really hate him just because of a little jealousy? Great, things had gone from fucking awkward to so fucking awkward he was about to take a gun to his head. He did not want to be a part of this, even indirectly.
Sakura sighed at Naruto's rant.
"Listen. No, just listen to me. You know we can't act like we did before. You know how my parents feel about us. They're already suspicious as it is."
That was probably the understatement of the year seeing as how they were both girls in a religious school where such relationships were described as one-way tickets to hell.
The blonde girl simply scoffed. "I don't care about how your parents feel, I care about how you feel."
"Well I do! I can't keep lying to them about why I haven't gotten a boyfriend yet!"
There was a moment of tense silence before Naruto broke it again.
"I know. Okay, damnit, I know. But I'm willing to work through this. I really like you, Sakura, you know that. And I'll do whatever it takes to be with you. Burning armpits and all."
Another moment of silence as her friend contemplated the declaration.
"That's… actually kind of, sweet, Naruto."
Oh, please. Sasuke almost rolled his eyes. Such a typical girl, swayed by even the slightest hint of romance.
"Well, you know me. Just the sweetest thing around! Now don't you want a piece of me?"
"Argh! Why are you so – NO! N-Naruto! Stop!"
At the sound of a body colliding with the wall and the following moan, Sasuke took it as his cue to finally get the hell away from there. He rushed passed the open doorway as quietly as he could, taking great care to not take a peek at what was probably, okay, definitely, going on in there.
Twenty minutes after he walked into the meeting, Sakura rushed into the room, flushed, panting, and apologizing profusely for her tardiness. Sasuke didn't even spare her a glance. Unlike his fellow students who told her not to worry, everything was going just fine, he knew that the pink on her cheeks that so perfectly matched the pink of her hair was not because of her rush to make it to the meeting. But he wasn't about to call her on it.
See, he could be a nice guy. Why did everyone keep saying he wasn't? Besides, it wouldn't do any good for his image to be labeled a pervert.
...
By all means, Sasuke had meant to forget the incident – as much as one could forget such a memorable incident – and simply move on. Of course, Naruto would not make this an easy task. He should've known nothing involving Naruto would go as expected.
So when he bumped into the uncouth girl as she emerged from the restroom, things naturally progressed the way all their meetings did.
"Hey, asshole, what are you, a pervert? Trying to peep on the girl's in the restroom? Doesn't get any more loserish than that."
Sasuke's eye twitched, gaze flicking up to the male sign above her head and then back down to the girl standing defiantly before him.
"Are you mentally disabled?"
"Excuse me?!"
"I asked," Sasuke repeated, slowing his words down for the idiot girl, "Are you mentally disabled?"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"It's a question. It's not supposed to mean anything."
"Well, you're mentally disabled! Retard!"
"They're the same thing."
"What?"
"'Mentally disabled' and 'retard'."
"Huh? Who the fuck cares?"
A few of Sasuke's brain cells jumped ship. He had no other explanation for what he said next and he would regret the consequences that came later, but not then, not yet. In his defense, associating with Naruto for too long tended to have that effect on people. He was surprised Sakura had survived as long as she did. She really must be as smartas her grades said she was.
"If anyone's the pervert, it's you."
"And what the hell does that mean?"
Why? God, why? Why was this girl alive?
"Exactly what it does. There's no hidden meaning."
"How am I a pervert? You're the one trying to sneak into the girl's bathroom."
Sasuke's eye was going to explode, he just knew it. The ticking had to be some sort of a countdown. To doomsday. Or his loss of sanity.
"First, moron," he started, taking delight in the way she scowled, "You just came out of the guy's bathroom. The same bathroom that I am trying to get into. That doesn't make me a pervert, that makes me a human being with natural needs."
At the blank look on the girls face, he continued.
"Second, pervert, I'm not the one doing illicit things in empty classrooms after school."
He knew it would take a moment for that to settle in, churn around in the blonde's brain before becoming fully processed, so he waited patiently as he watched her face go from blank, to indignant, to angry, to horrified, back to angry, and then finally to full understanding.
"You watched?! You – You are a pervert!"
Okay. That was not how this was supposed to go. Although, he was impressed she even knew what illicit meant.
"I am not a pervert! You were so fucking loud anybody with ears could have heard you!"
"Oh my god! You listened?!"
"How could I not? I was right there!" That was mistake number one.
"You're sick!" Naruto crossed her arms across her chest in defensive horror, as if she thought Sasuke was about to rip the shirt off right then and there and rape her. The black haired boy almost smacked himself in the head. He did not need Naruto spreading rumors around about how he got off on being a peeping tom. And he just knew she would, unless he did something to stop her.
Before Naruto could attract even more attention to them, Sasuke slapped a hand to her mouth and despite her fidgeting, she was pretty strong for a girl, dragged her to an empty classroom and away from the prying eyes of his fellow students. Those people needed to get lives and stop focusing so much on someone else's.
"Shut up!" He screamed at her when he let go of her.
Naruto immediately backed away from him, hands up in a placating manner that didn't placate him at all. "Woah, woah, calm down there, buddy. I'm really not into this sort of thing."
"And what sort of thing is this?"
Naruto gestured between them, arms waving around. "This. Uh, yeah, totally not into guys."
Sasuke took in a deep breath to calm himself down. It really wouldn't do to blow up there. Instead he just closed his eyes for a split second, "I noticed."
The blond had the decency to blush before she started to make her way to the door Sasuke was guarding so fiercely. "Look, I'm just going to leave. You can, I dunno, throw chairs around and stuff. To get over your sexual frustration. Get it out. You know. Stuff like that."
Sasuke just stared at her. He could feel himself get dumber just by looking at her.
"Oh my god."
Naruto just inched away from him like he was a rabid dog. Honestly, it should've been Sasuke who backed away from her. Instead, he held his ground, crossed his arms to appear more threatening than he truly felt.
He took another breath and let it out slowly. Then he looked Naruto square in the eye and announced the decision he had just come to, the one that would preserve his dignity and reputation.
"No. You are not leaving. Not until we make a few things clear."
He was going to take what he saw, no, heard, and turn it into exactly what it was: blackmail material. Any intelligent man in a situation would do so.
"Not unless you want the truth about you and Sakura going around the school."
The girk's eyes widened, "You wouldn't!"
"I would."
"You bastard!!"
That was more like it. They were back on more familiar turf, where he was just a bastard or an asshole, and not a sexually frustrated pervert.
Naruto dove for him, fisted her hands in his shirt near his collar and pulling him to her eye level. "You leave Sakura out of this!"
Sasuke rolled his eyes. He had nothing against Sakura, but it was impossible to leave her out when his blackmail material involved her as well.
"I don't care what happens to Sakura, but if you do, you're going to listen to what I tell you and you're going to listen carefully."
He was released with a rough shove and the girl backed off only slightly, crossing her arms over her chest as she glared with contempt at him.
"What do you want, pervert? You want me to bend over this table over here? Strip down and let you have your way with me?"
"Don't flatter yourself." He almost gagged at the thought; he did not find her attractive at all. Plus, he was a gentlemen, even if Naruto didn't deserve his gentlemanly behavior.
"All you have to do are a few chores for me for the rest of the year, and I'll keep your secret."
"What kind of chores?"
From the second he'd decided he'd blackmail her, he knew exactly what he would have her do. Homework was out of the question, unless he wanted failing grades. Neither was he interested in sexual favors, despite what her perverted mind thought of him.
He could, however, probably use her to get his parents off his back about girlfriends and marriage. He was sixteen, not sixty. He didn't need to be in a hurry to find a significant other.
"Physical labor. I have no interest in you otherwise. And you can't hand anything intellectual." He wasn't about to explain he was considering using her as a pretend girlfriend.
As expected, Naruto bristled at his words. "I can too!"
Sasuke just quirked a brow at her, "What? So you want to do my homework too?"
She deflated instantly. "No!"
"Then don't complain. I'm doing you a favor here. You could both be kicked out if any of the teachers found out."
"Yeah, yeah. I get it. Fine. But don't think you've won just yet, bastard. Just you wait and see."
"Just as long as you understand your place. And to begin with your duties, I want you at my place on Saturday, 9 am sharp."
"What? In the morning?! I can't – " she stopped abruptly at his look. "Fine," she said through clenched teeth.
Sasuke almost smiled. Finally. Finally the thorn in his side was in the palm his hand. He almost cackled evilly. But no, he wasn't evil. Just smart. And that was mistake number two.
...
Saturday came quickly. The week had gone by so well. Naruto had stayed out of Sasuke's way, much to the confusion of the students around him. It was clear from the confusion in Sakura's eyes as well that the girl hadn't told her about Sasuke's blackmail. Well, that was her own stupidity at work. She could probably have used Sakura's brain for some help.
The doorbell rang at nine in the morning. Sharp. And Sasuke walked with the slightest bounce in his step as he went to answer it.
He let a smirk slide onto his face when he opened the door, a smirk that slid off his face the instant he took in the blond standing in his doorway.
"What? You thought I was going to wear a fucking skirt, you pervert?"
Actually, he had. Sasuke's eyes moved down the simple T-shirt, disgustingly orange, taking in the completely flat chest, and down to the loose-cut jeans, torn at the knees, and the scuffed sneakers on feet that were not dainty in the least.
This was not the girl that terrorized Konoha Catholic High, engaged in a secret gay romance with her perfect girlfriend. But this was clearly Naruto, new transfer student and the bane of Sasuke's existence.
And suddenly everything clicked.
Naruto Uzumaki was a boy.