Okay, I don't own the first part with the shop, I got all the stuff, the décor, shop clerk and the item being asked for from 'Snuff Box' A brilliant BBC3 show featuring the very fruity voiced Matt Berry and England's own American Rich Fulcher, everything else is Boosh, the brain child of Noel Fielding and Julian Barrat, all four men geniuses.
Dedicated to SparkieSteph!
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Vince bounced down Camden high street; the birds in the sky were singing, the sun was beaming and the town's folk were buzzing a happy tune. The cars zooming past made soft 'clunk' noises as they drove over the drain covers in the road and in the far distant you could hear the faint humming of lawnmowers chewing their way through the grasses.
Summer had finally arrived for London.
He rounded the corner, took three or four more paces forward and stopped. The sign above the shop read 'whatever' and inside the décor was very minimalist, the walls and carpet were white, the furniture was white (and that was only a table and a the shop clerks desk) Three manikins stood down onside of the shop, two with shoes tied around the necks and one with nun-chucks slung lazily over it's shoulders. Vince looked briefly at the shops interior before stepping up to the clerk at the front desk. The man attending was a tall balding man, he looked up from the paper he was reading, or should I say ogling at page three.
"Uhm, hello?" Vince asked.
"Oh, what?" The clerk asked, his voice was gruff and Scottish.
"Well, I phoned in last week and I placed an order for some silver cowboy boots." Vince replied, he was slightly shocked at the mans rudeness but shook it off, he was old and Scottish it was self explanatory.
"You what?" He asked, looking directly at Vince who shuffled uneasily on the spot.
"Silver… cowboy boots. I urm, made an order last week?"
"Do you think I'm stupid boy? I heard you the first time." The Scott snapped.
"Okay, mate calm down, fucking hell!" Vince shouted, he was short fused and could on tolerate slight rudeness, and this man had broke the barrier, although him saying this was a bad Idea.
"Listen, you wanna watch you're mouth."
"Yeah? Else what?" Vince asked, a sudden burst of confidence coming from nowhere, he slung his hands on his hips and stood in a 'am I bothered?' stance.
"Else this!" The Scottish clerk declared, he bent under the desk and pulled out a large cricket bat and laid it down his hands clasped around it still. Vince backed of slightly, he gulped loosing his cool ever so slightly.
"Right…" He began, he backed of slowly not taking his eyes off the bat in the old mans hands.
"Now listen fairy, you either get out of my shop or I swear you'll see this bat round the back of your head, nobody comes in here demanding silver cowboy boots and then proceeds to swear at me, do you understand?" He yelled, Vince ignored the last bit, he was fuming at what he called him 'fairy'. He stepped forward and held a finger up to the clerks face.
"Listen here, nobody calls me fairy in that context do you understand?" He asked, snarling the Scottish man just laughed, Vince's blood began to boil, and he attempted to reach for his collar to smack him hard down on the desk but the clerk, still armed with the bat was too quick and swung directly for Vince's head, he collapsed to the floor and tried to crawl away, one hand clasped around his nose, but the clerk sung again this time hitting him on the back, he fell to the floor and put his arms up to shield him, they were also bashed with the bat.
"Wait! No, no, no, no, no… oh god this is the worst day of my life." Vince cried, blood was pouring from his nose and mouth, he was laid on the floor shaking as the Scottish man loomed over him, he sighed and retreated back to the desk, storing the bat underneath and continuing with his paper, not acknowledging Vince anymore. Vince clambered up onto his hand and knees and eventually onto his feet; he fled out of the shop holding his bleeding nose. It was only a five minute walk back to the flat but took almost three times that with his limp.
Vince pounded at the flat door, no answer. He pounded again, no answer. He got down to his hands and knees, however much that hurt, and screamed through the letter box.
"Howard, open the door I've forgotten my –"He stopped as the front door opened and he was staring directly at Howard's crotch.
"keys." He finished, Howard gasped.
"What the hell happened to you, I thought you where getting new shoes!" Howard exclaimed pulling Vince up onto his feet and ushering him into the house, he then rushed to the kitchen and pulled a huge roll of Spongebob SquarePants kitchen roll (Vince insisted they bought that instead of Tesco's own.)And thrusting it into Vince's palm, Vince took it appreciatively and pressed it to his nose soaking up all the blood.
"Well, I was." Vince spoke, his voice slightly higher pitched and squeakier.
"And you come out looking like you've been hit by a cricket bat or something." Howard chuckled, sitting next to Vince.
"Bloody hell, were you there?!" Vince exclaimed taking the tissues away momentarily to show Howard his look of surprise.
"What do you mean?"
"Well I was hit with a cricket bat, the clerk was a mardy arse, 'e always is, and I didn't get my boots, and you look really hot today." Vince gabbled at almost 90mph not noticing what he'd ended the chapter with, Howard looked back surprised.
"What do you say?"
"I was hit with a cricket bat" Vince replied, hoping he didn't mean the last part.
"no, the last part." Howard corrected. 'Damn.' Thought Vince.
"I urm… said you smell like shallots today." Vince smiled, trying to cover himself up. Failing of course.
"No, what did you say?"
"I said… I said… You look like Jam Hot today."
"Vince…." Said Howard, he was brimming from ear to ear.
"Okay, I said you look really hot today! You happy now?" Vince exclaimed, he looked away from Howard frightened of his reaction, Howard just grabbed him by the shoulders and turned him around.
"You look very hot today too, even if you're covered in blood." Howard smiled making Vince smile, Howard leant forward and planted a kiss on Vince's plump, already bruising lips.
"Wait, maybe I should wash my face first?"
"No, after all what's a bit of DNA shared between to friends?"
"A baby usually…" Vince answered, blushing making his whole face red when he realised the daftness of his answer, Howard just smiled and leant in for another kiss, making Vince's worst day one of his best.