The breaks within an entry indicates a time lapse.
I have never been this fucking sick in my entire life. I can't keep a single thing down, I feel so weak, I have no energy at all. I don't even know how I managed to get sick in the first place. I'm even tempted to go see a doctor about this because this is getting fucking ridiculous. I spent the entire day in bed yesterday because I was too sick to do anything.
God I just want this to be over. I was just in the bathroom for… man it seems like forever. I think I'm just going to go to sleep. I know that it's in the middle of the afternoon, but I can't do much of anything without having to go puke.
This sucks so bad. I have been to like… three doctors all ready. One doctor told me that I just have the stomach flu and to take it easy. Take it easy? I've been doing nothing but lying around and spending time in the bathroom. I had to be driven to my doctor's appointments, and the fucking car rides made me nauseous. There is no way that this is just the stomach flu. I hate seeing doctors. Especially when the fucking faggots can't even figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. This is so frustrating.
Man I can't even stop crying right now. I've never been more miserable before. I still can't eat or drink anything, and fucking doctor's still can't figure out what's wrong with me. It's been about two weeks and I haven't gotten better at all. I've lost some weight too. I just don't know what to do about it. Why did I even have to get sick in the first place? I'm getting fucking tear stains on the paper now. It's so hard for me to write because I'm crying. I
It was so hard seeing April today. I asked her to come over and take care of me, and I know she wasn't expecting this. I have been so weak lately that I couldn't even write, which is why I haven't written in a while. Just seeing the look on Ape's face when she saw me, killed me. She practically begged me to go see a doctor but I told her, in tears, that I have given up on seeing doctors. What's the use? They're not even going to know what's wrong with me. I started crying in Ape's arms, but it just made me feel worse about our visit. I didn't want her to see me like that, but I didn't want her to go either. I'm freaking out right now because I am seriously deteriorating and I don't know why. I just don't understand it. I just don't understand how someone can just be this sick and not know what caused it, or how to get better. I'm starting to cry again. Why is this happening to me?
Ape finally brought my diary to me. I was starting to go crazy not being able to write about everything that's been going on lately. April and Phil finally convinced me to go to the hospital. I admit that, at that point it didn't take much persuasion. That's where I've been this whole time. And before I came here I was just too damn weak to do anything. Haven't been able to update in… God it's got to be about three weeks now. I've lost so much weight from not eating. I have formed bruises on my ribs from puking so much. On the third day I was here a doctor was finally able to tell me what's wrong with me. I have a very severe stomach virus that is attacking my white blood cells. I am very susceptible to infections right now, even a sniffle could kill me. I'm hooked up to so much shit right now, I feel like I'm a car in the shop. I even have one of those breathing tubes in my nose, which really sucks. I'm starting to be able to keep water down now, but that's it. The rest of my "food" has to be "fed" to me through an IV. I can't stand being here. I think I cried just about every day since I've been here. I just don't know how to tell any one that I think I'm going to die.
I am still losing weight. I can't even get out of bed to take a piss any more. It took two nurses earlier to hold me up on the scale to help me weigh myself. I got so dizzy while standing on the scale that I almost passed out. The nurses put me back into bed right on time. I've lost 27 pounds so far. The doctor started giving me some medicine to help boost my white blood cell count. Now I won't have to worry about infections killing me. I'll be able to get stronger now, but the virus is still keeping me from eating. My bruises are slowly fading now but my chest is still hurting. I'm told that I'm starting to do better but I don't think I am. I still believe that I'm going to die. Oh my God I'm going to be sick again. I need a nurse.
I blacked out for a minute after I puked up some water. I know for sure that I'm going to die now. Writing in this diary is the only thing that's keeping me hanging on as long as I can. I hate this fucking hospital.
Lost count on how long I've been here. I'm so fucking weak. It just seems to be getting worse and worse. I don't even know how much sense I'm making as I write this. God please help me.
I just read my last couple entries. I swear that I must have been delusional during the most part, because I don't remember writing some of that.
Man I don't know what's wrong with me right now. I'm just writing in between black outs right now. I need to call a nurse but I can't find the call button. The nurse just gave me some water after I woke up. I hope it stays down this time. I'm getting dehydr I have no idea how long I've been out this time. Someone must have been in my room because things have been moved. Maybe I'm just losing my mind.
Today was pretty emotional for me. A couple nurses woke me up this morning and they were smiling. They told me that they had something to show me outside my window. One of the nurses went over to the window and opened it while the other one brought a wheelchair up to my bed. I was groggy, having just woken up, so I went along with them without question. I could hear noise from outside my window as they helped me into the wheelchair. I couldn't tell what it was until they pushed me right up to the window. My room is a few floors up so I had to look down as I looked out the window. Down below was a huge crowd of my fans. They were cheering my name and holding get well signs, and saying how much they loved me. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. For a minute I just sat there looking at my fans, but I started to get dizzy. It was so overwhelming to me seeing all of those fans that I started to cry. I've been crying a lot lately but this cry wasn't from being miserable as fuck. The nurses then brought me back to my bed and closed the window. I was still crying in bed as the nurses left. I had no idea how much my fans cared about me. Someone out there in the crowd had made up a huge banner for me and had as many people as they could sign it. They had it sent up to my room. That was really sweet of them. When I get well enough I'm going to have to try to track them down or something to thank them personally. I'm starting to cry again as I think about it. I seriously had no idea how much these people care about me, how much they love me. It's too much. I don't deserve it.
April just brought me some more things from my fans. They are still down there. It's beginning to make me feel like the Pope before he died. I don't want to think about dieing right now. I'm slowly getting better, I guess. I'm able to hold water down. I'm not puking (much) any more but I'm still losing weight. But the weight loss is from not eating more than from puking. I am beginning to be able to eat a little bit. (A very little bit) But most of the nutrients I get still comes from the IV. The doctor's and nurses are trying hard to keep me from getting dehydrated. I can handle water, but the food is just horrible. The food is so fucking bad, what I can keep down any way.
I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bored! No one has come to visit me for the past two days. There's nothing good on TV any more. I've read the same fucking old ass magazines that the nurses brought me 1000 times all ready. I even caught myself counting the tiles on the ceiling. And then I started counting the HOLES in the tiles. I'm about to lose my mind here if someone doesn't come and entertain me soon.
I was weighed again today. I'm down to 105 pounds now, that's 40 pounds that I've lost all together. And some reason, I don't know why, but they had me look in the mirror. At first it didn't even dawn on me that I was looking at my own reflection. I am so thin and frail that I didn't even recognize myself. It's taking me all that I can just to sit up and write this. They say that I'm getting better, but how could I be getting better if I'm thinner and weaker than ever? Maybe I am getting better, but I'm just too out of it to notice it. I can't write any more. I need to get some sleep.
It's been a while since I last wrote in here. I am finally starting to feel better. I'm able to eat more. Too bad this shit that the hospital tries to pass off as food is all I have to eat. This whole experience has been one hell of a ride, that's for sure. I'll be glad once I'm strong enough to go home. I've been in this fucking hospital way too long. The good part is, I think I'm starting to gain some weight back. It's not much, but I can tell and that's all that matters right now. I stopped having so many black outs, which I'm happy about. Even though the nurses are very sweet to me when I wake up after blacking out. They're sweet to me any way. That's probably the only thing that I'll miss from this hospital stay.
Oh man I had so many visitors today, I'm exhausted. Seems like everybody stopped by. Ape and Phil were just happy that I was smiling again. I can't help smiling when I feel so good. For one thing I don't need the breathing tube any more, another thing I've been eating and I've only gotten sick once. And to think that all of this was caused by a stomach virus.
I gained a little weight, which is good. My nurses even pointed out to me that they can tell that I'm gaining weight. Pretty soon I might be strong enough to leave. Well, leave my bed on my own any way. I just want to be able to walk around again. I've been stuck in bed for so long I think I'm growing into it. Luckily I haven't gotten any bed sores. April managed to sneak in some kick ass cookies for me earlier today. I had to give one to a nurse so she wouldn't say anything about them to my doctor. Oh well, I still ate most of them. They're not on my recommended diet, (I'm rolling my eyes right now) but I don't care what's on my diet. Why should that matter, as long as I'm eating and it's not coming back up? I think Phil made these ones. Should have asked Ape to tell him to make me some pie. (Not to throw at him, but to actually eat this time.)
Five more pounds! I never thought I'd ever get this excited about gaining weight, but I am. Now I can start walking around a bit. One of my nurses asked me if I wanted to try to go for a little walk in the hallway. You should have seen how fast I sat up when she asked me that. She told me to "slow down" since I'm still weak enough to have another blackout if I'm not careful. Any way she helped me out of bed and held her arm around me as we walked a little bit down the hall. This whole time that I've been here I had no idea what it looked like outside of my room. I felt like I could have walked farther than she had me walk. But she told me that I would have to walk back the same distance, and that I don't want to overexert myself. Whatever. Hey I was just happy that I was able to be out of bed finally, I didn't care what it might have done to me.
Wow it has been a while since my last entry. Hmm… let's see. I'm a lot stronger now and I've gained a lot of weight. I am able to leave my room for a little bit every day now. Sometimes my nurses take me outside in the morning to this small garden area on the hospital grounds. It's so nice and peaceful out there, gorgeous place to sit in the mornings. There's this apple tree on one side of the garden that I like to sit under. There I can see the entire garden. It feels so nice out in the garden (especially since I have been given actual pajamas, a robe and some slippers to wear instead of those flimsy gowns I had been wearing much of my hospital stay. I'm so glad that I don't have to wear those any more.) Sitting in the garden helps me to take my mind off of being sick for a little bit.
Today I'm going to be giving my first interview since I got sick. I assume they want to know about why I've been so sick, and how I've felt as I was going through this and such. I don't mind giving interviews but they can get very tedious. I have others lined up, but my doctor said that I should only give one interview a day while I'm still here. Maybe if I feel good enough after this interview I will go visit a couple kids who are in the children's ward. That would make their day (and mine). I just hope that my doctor (and the kids' doctors) would allow that. Wait I can pull some strings.
My doctor tells me that I could go home within the next few days. That way I can finish recovering in my own bed, in my own room, on my own house. I need to be back home. Someone from MTV stopped by earlier today and asked me if I would be interested in doing a special once I'm well enough. I told him that I'd have to talk it over with the rest of the CKY crew first and see what they'd have to say about it (even though I am seriously considering it, and coming up with ideas as I write this. Ha ha) I definitely want to get back to fucking with everyone. The other day we set it up so that I could be apart of my radio show broadcast from my hospital room. (The show has been on constant re-runs since I've been sick) All I had to do was phone in while the other guys were at the studio in my house. It's going to feel good to get back to the radio show as well. Oh I can't wait to get back to my normal life.
I've been home for about a week now and I feel great. I can't believe how much I've missed the place. Mischief and Trouble woke me up this morning, but I didn't mind. They started out like wrestling in the corner of my room, which I ignored. But then they both came up into my bed and started walking over me. Trouble stood on my head and purred right in my ear until I threw him off. They knew that I was awake the whole time, but they had to make sure that I got up and paid attention to them. It's almost Monday which means that we're going to do another episode of the radio show soon. I've really missed that. It'll be better this time because I don't have to be on the phone.
Just weighed myself today and I'm almost back to my normal weight. I've been feeling so much better lately, partly because I've been home. I have a doctor's appointment in a little bit. It's just a check up to see how well my body's been fighting the virus or something.
My appointment went well, I'm going to be just fine. The CKY crew and I are coming up ideas for this new MTV special. I have a feeling that this is going to be the best special ever, oh yeah.