We're All Mad Here
A/N: This one-shot takes place in 601; a scene was definitely missing between the one with Teddy, Mellie, and Olivia and the one with Mellie and Fitz on the balcony. Let me know what you think! Enjoy!
xx Kate
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don't much care where…" said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
"…So long as I get somewhere," Alive added as an explanation.
"Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."
Mellie paused from reading and peered over at Teddy, whom she confirmed was fast asleep. Setting Alice in Wonderland down, she allowed her eyes to flutter shut momentarily.
There's something about having a small child that multiplies your worries infinitely and simultaneously erases them all in the same moment. At least, for Mellie, that seemed to be the case. Seeing Frankie Vargas step into the spotlight that had been meant for her and subsequently get shot made her feel very unhinged, uneasy, extremely rattled, if she was being honest. The Presidency was something she'd wanted for a long time, but staring now at the little twinkling stars projected onto the ceiling from Teddy's nightlight, her hand resting on her sleeping little boy, she felt at peace for the first time all day. If she got the Oval now, she knew she wouldn't feel this way for at least four more years. Her baby would be seven years old by then. She'd have missed his innocence.
After Olivia had stormed from the room earlier, claiming she was not ready to give up the fight, Mellie had started to panic. The White House made her feel like she was suffocating. Everything that had happened in the last eight years began to swirl around her like an eerie trance. Teddy had called to her and she had padded her way towards him like a zombie. He had pulled her down to his level with a gentle tug to her skirt, "mommy," he whispered, "you're magic, right?"
His inquisitive little voice had snapped her right back into the moment, his question referred to an earlier day in the week when he had tripped on the stairs, cutting his knee. Mellie had wet a cloth and wiped away the small amount of blood, placing a Spiderman Band-Aid over the injury when she was done. Teddy had been perplexed, "Whoa, that's magic," he had said. She had kissed the top of his knee and chuckled, "Yes, that's right Teddy bear, mommys are magic!"
She said the same thing then, again, when he asked after Olivia had left. "Yes, of course, mommys are magic, remember?"
He had grinned wide, "Can you take us to Wonderland, then? Like Alice?"
"Oh Teddy, I wish," she had answered woefully. The truth was, in that moment she very much wished she could wrap Teddy up and leap down a rabbit hole. Anything, anywhere had to be less chaotic, contain less madness than what was actually happening in the world, in her present day life.
Putting Teddy to bed tonight had made her feel normal again, kind of like pushing the reset button. That little boy, America's Baby, had a way of calming her inner turmoil like nothing else. Leaving him for a title seemed like an impossible cruelty. She needed time to think about her decision, but there was no time.
She pulled herself out of Teddy's bed with slow and calculated movements, trying her best not to stir the little angel. She had let him stay up quite late, mostly because she had needed just a few extra moments with him after the mayhem of the day.
She tiptoed across the dark room, using the light seeping through the cracks of the door as a guide. She felt for the doorknob and twisted it as slowly as she could as to not make a sound. Opening the door only enough for her body to fit through, she paused briefly smiling to herself and realizing that she was quite lucky to have as much as she did, and then she backed out…right into a solid mass. She twisted around in shock and covered with her hands the yelp that threatened to escape her mouth.
"Sorry!" the figure jarred, grabbing Mellie's shoulders to steady her.
Mellie's eyes quickly adjusted to the lit hallway, "Fitz! What are you doing lurking outside the door like that?"
Fitz scoffed, "I didn't even know you were in the house, Mellie. I was coming to check on Teddy," he clarified, referencing the door with a flippant hand gesture.
Mellie huffed and grasped at the collar of her shirt uncomfortably, "Yes, okay," she gathered herself, "I'm sorry, you just startled me."
The couple drew deep breaths simultaneously and let them out with palpable tension. Words weren't really needed; they could both read the stress written across each other's faces.
Mellie allowed her body to slouch against the closed door, she felt utterly exhausted.
"It's awful, Fitz…" she started to say.
"I'm thankful it wasn't you up there, Mellie," Fitz said finally. He reached out, bridging the small gap between them and squeezed her hand gently.
Mellie smiled sadly, "It almost was…"
"But it wasn't," Fitz said quickly.
"No, it wasn't…" Mellie whispered, looking down at her feet. She felt suddenly ashamed, the reality that she had lost washing over her like a cold shower. But had she really lost? She was alive and Vargas was…
"Hey," Fitz laid a gentle hand on Mellie's shoulder, "I have a couple more things I need to finish up in the office, but why don't you just grab something to eat and then stay in one of the extra rooms tonight? It's late," he added.
Mellie nodded numbly, "okay."
"I'll come find you after I'm done…I have a feeling you won't be asleep," Fitz grinned knowingly.
Mellie smiled lightly and looked up at her ex-husband with recognizable appreciation, "Thanks Fitz," she said genuinely. Fitz nodded and the couple headed different directions down the hallway, Fitz back to the west wing and Mellie towards the stairs. She climbed them slowly, her weak legs barely able to handle the incline and instead of making her way to one of the open suites, she found herself in her old room, in her old closet, rummaging through Fitz old sweatshirts. They were all heartbreakingly familiar, most of them she'd worn hundreds of times. Her hands stalled when they recognized the soft fabric of the grey 'U.S. Navy' one she was extremely acquainted with. She quickly slid it on over her t-shirt and padded out to the Truman balcony, a place that held many memories for her in a sweatshirt that held even more.
A/N: See, it just makes more sense now why Mellie would have been wearing that sweatshirt and why she was even on the balcony in the first place, right? ;)