When Mae Tuck saw Winnie and Jesse together, her face went bleak, and her hand flew to her bosom, grasping at the old brooch that fastened her shawl. " 'Well boys,' she said, 'Here it is, the worst is happening at last."
"We're out of cheez crunchies!"
"Nooooooo!" Jesse and Miles cried in unison. "We'll starve!"
"Oh well," Jesse said reasonably. "We could always eat the girl."
Winnie looked at him with fear in her eyes. "You wouldn't dare! If you kill me my Papa will be sure to- to catch you and- you'll be hanged!"
Mae smiled menacingly. "Hangings won't do us no harm. And besides, we ain't gonna kill you. Are we boys?"
"Oh, no," Miles said with a gleam in his eye. "I like my food raw."
Winnie screamed, turning on her heel and running into none other than Angus Tuck, and he was brandishing a butcher's knife!
Well, Winnie thought to herself, Like my Papa (who is a lawyer) always says, "If you can't win a tough case with the truth, stretching the truth is the next best thing!" Winnie forced herself to smile. Another phrase of her father's came to her mind- "If you lie, work with what they give you. It will make it more believable." What had they given her, besides the knowledge that they were crazed cannibals with a love for Cheez Crunchies? Hangings won't do us no harm. Winnie forced herself to act natural. Of course they couldn't really live forever, Winnie knew that. But they were obviously disturbed in their minds. They certainly seemed to believe they could live forever. Well, Winnie thought, Work with what you've got. "I can live forever, uh, too, you know."
They stared at her, shocked. "How did you know we could live forever?"
"Ummmm, I could see it in your eyes. Yeah, that's it. Once you live forever this long you get to, er, just be able to see it in people, you know? You know, I've been living forever, um, longer than you."
They stared at her blankly. Then Miles said, with a sneer, "I don't believe 'er. She's too young to have been livin' forever."
Winnie didn't have time to marvel at his nonsensical logic. They were advancing on her and she had to act fast. Then an idea came to her- Shock and Awe. "Boom!" she yelled as she dashed further into the forest. Miles started after her, but Jesse stopped him. "She won't last long in there. Remember…him?" They cackled evilly. "Oh, no. She won't last long."
Winnie kept on running and didn't stop. Finally, she came to a clearing. A man was sitting there, looking quite peaceful. He had a yellow hat on. As she approached, he opened his eyes and smiled at her. "Hi," she said. "Are you the Man In The Yellow Suit? I heard you show up in this book."
"No," he replied. "You had the bad luck to be snatched out of your deep, thought-provoking book and stuck in this ridiculous fan fiction. The authors have horribly abused the right to use these characters as long as no money is made and have twisted them to their insane whims. I'm The Man In The Yellow Hat. You know, from Curious George?"
"Oh, yeah," said Winnie. "I loved that book when I was little."
"Hi!" said a voice. Winnie saw that it was coming from a small monkey. "I didn't know that Curious George could talk," she said.
"I'm not just any old curious George," replied the monkey. "I'm a politically incorrect cross between a loveable monkey who gets into mischief and a bumbling president whose curiosity got him into trouble with Iraq!" They all turned as they heard a voice with a speech impediment behind them.
"Oh, hewwo," said a white, marshmellow-y looking thing in a red shirt and a baseball cap. "I'm Homestar Runner!"
"What is a humorous character produced on the animation program Macromedia Flash doing here?"
"Oh, I'm just dropping by because the authors like my site! Www. Homestarrunner.net!" (Voice from off-scene whispers, "It's dot com!") "Oh, right! Homestarrunner.net- 'It's dot com!' Well, bye! The only reason I'm in this fan fiction is…well, okay there really is no reason. Bye!"
"Bye!" AUTHOR'S NOTE: We just had to put him in. Well, back to the most incoherent and twisted fan fic you will ever read!
Winnie was so dumbfounded that she absentmindedly took out the ring she had received for her birthday from a midget named Frodo. She realized with a start that Curious George Bush and the Man In the Yellow Hat were staring greedily at it. Winnie began fumbling with it, trying to hide it; but it was too late: The ring had corrupted them. The Man In the Yellow Hat ripped his shirt off and became, THE HULK!!!!!!!
Mae stared at her two boys quizzically. "What did you mean, 'him'? Who is 'him'?"
"Aw, no one Ma. We were just bein' melodramatic."
"Well, then I think it's high time you two boys went off to get our dinner. Imagine, lettin' her escape like that just for the sake of drama and plot. Well, go on! Git along now. I said GET!"
Miles and Jesse hung their heads. "Yes, Ma." They started off. Suddenly Miles stopped. "Wait, we need a weapon."
"Will this do?" Jesse asked, extracting a sword from a nearby stone. A heavenly light fell on him as a deep voice proclaimed, "JESSE TUCK, YOU HAVE TAKEN THE SWORD FROM THE STONE. I NOW PROCLAIM YOU KING." A golden crown set with many jewels materialized on Jesse's head.
Jesse grinned foolishly. "Lookit me, Ma! I'm King!"
Miles drew close, entranced by the crown. It was so shiny. "That crown sure is purdy," he mumbled, reaching out to touch the glimmering gold.
Jesse slapped his hand away. "Don't touch it! It's mine, I'm the king!"
"Don't you be getting' a swelled head now, son," said Angus Tuck. He too was eyeing the crown.
"If you're king," Mae suddenly exclaimed, "that makes us the royal family!"
The family began to dance. "We're gonna be roy-al. We're gonna be roy-al." But beneath the jovial atmosphere, the others felt a stab of jealousy for Jesse. It was especially hard for Miles, being the eldest son and all. He swore silently that it would be he in the end who was king. Scary music plays in background. Oh, the suspense!