A Missive from the Desk of Magister Bloodsworn
concerning the proper behaviour of magisters towards orphans during Children's Week.
Anu belore dela'na, friends and colleagues of the Magisterium!
As you know, Children's Week has come upon us and passed yet again. It is my pleasure to announce that Silvermoon's participation was both notable and duly-noted by our allies—in spite of our small numbers, we were overrepresented amongst caregivers. Magisters in particular turned out in abundance to offer their time for the benefit of a squalling little green brute. Touching!
Given this, I would like to take this opportunity to commend you all for the compassion (and political acumen) you showed during this event. My records show that 68% of magisters made the effort to mentor an abandoned orcish child. This is an enormous quantity, particularly given the vital import and challenge of our work when compared with that of the Farstriders, of whom only 94% took time out of their busy schedules of sleeping on the ground and swimming in dirty rivers to participate!
Of the 32% of magisters who did not take part:
18% were not allowed to foster an orphan owing to grievous criminal records or shady behaviour during the contractual process. I remind those of you who were refused at the outset that referring to your orphan as 'it' is likely to provoke some doubt amongst the Orphan Matrons as to your mentorly fitness.
6% were having 'medical issues.' (Of this group, 33.3% [repeating, of course] were truly having medical issues, and 66.6% were lying unscrupulous rats.)
4% were heartless bastards who would not piss on their own mothers if they were on fire.
3% were consumed with guilt over their own abandoned illegitimate half-breed offspring and spent the week paralyzed in bed with the curtains drawn.
1% was Grand Magister Rommath, who tells me he has better things to do than, "wipe runny noses and plaster cut fingers." I think we can all agree that with the ranger-general's recent political activities, our noble leader has enough babysitting to do as it is! (Credit to Magister Duskwither for this joke.)
Of course, such sizeable events never pass wholly without difficulty. Given our success, it is unsurprising that we received a few very minor complaints. I send this letter in the hopes of achieving greater success with Children's Week next year, and preventing the repeat of several highly-regrettable but assuredly-trifling incidents in the future.
Advice for Magisters Caring for Orphans:
1. Polymorph is not a toy, a game, or a magic trick to be indulged in for the amusement of your orphan. It is understandable that orcish children, who are unfamiliar with arcane glory on the order of that possessed by our people, would desire to see this fascinating process; it is also natural that they would wish to experience it firsthand. But I remind you all that polymorph is a highly dangerous and unstable spell, and even simple transformations like that of turning a human into a sheep or cat can misfire and result in tragedy (for them).
Therefore, I was aghast to hear that several of you risked casting highly dangerous polymorphs on your orphans. This is not acceptable, and it is, I remind you, in direct violation of City Ordinance 602.6b, "The Proper Uses of Transmutation Spells on Humanoids within the Walls of Silvermoon." I do not care how much he 'screeched' and 'wailed' to become a pandaren or a taunka. And while your orphan may have always dreamed of being a blue proto-drake, the city was not designed to deal with the sheer destructive force of a young orc in the body of a young dragon (but Magister Feltheris's burns are healing quite nicely, fortunately).
Magistrix Nizara, your efforts to polymorph your orphan into, as you allegedly phrased it, "A dainty and charming little elven girl," also did not go unnoticed. While I think we would all have preferred to tend to lovely and talented elflings, the point of Children's Week is not to care for adorable little elves but to pretend to care for hateful little monsters. Moreover, an orcish child is not used to inhabiting such a magically powerful body, and you will be expected to pay for the damages he incurred against public property during his travesty of an Arcane Torrent. You will be pleased to know, however, that our mages in Orgrimmar have been able to return his ears more or less to normal.
2. Your orphan is likely to be quite sensitive regarding the fact that he is an abandoned, unwashed urchin with no one to care for or love him. While you may find this fact highly amusing, it is near certain that your orphan will not feel similarly. As such, I dearly hope that we can cut down on the number of callous pranks played on orphans during future events, as several of them were sent back to Orgrimmar in tears. This is obviously extremely bad publicity, and Silvermoon cannot afford to spend as much money on lollies and stuffed wolves for sobbing and disconsolate children as it did this year.
For instance, without wishing to point fingers or say names: telling your orphan that you have come to feel great maternal/paternal affection for him and that you are planning to adopt him, then yelling, "Psych!" and using your hearthstone while in the middle of the Plaguelands is not only cruel, it is highly dangerous and unfunny.
Other unacceptable pranks include: telling him his parents are still alive and being held in the dungeons of Stormwind, and that they will be returned to him when he stops wetting the bed; telling him that he is secretly half-dragon, and then conducting one of your reckless polymorphs (see #1); telling him that he is really a little girl; telling him that the bottom of the canal in Undercity is paved with marzipan; any variation on the above.
3. Your fostering of an orphan will remain one of the most powerful memories throughout the rest of his (sadly short and wretched) life. In light of your massive influence, please bear in mind the way your behaviour may affect him and his development! It is important for us to be a good influence on our wards for their own benefit, and to remember that when he grows up he will remember the time you dropped a copper from the top of the Violet Citadel onto a gnome and think less of you for it.
I have heard several instances of frankly unacceptable behaviours performed in the near proximity of orphans, and I am not referring to the consumption of tasty and fattening treats (though, referring again to suggestion #2, it is bad form to buy two cookies, proffer one to your orphan, and then devour both before he is able to respond to your offer, Magister Jaronis). Gambling, philandering, and duelling are activities best indulged in away from the impressionable eyes of children, and if you absolutely have to go roll around in the filth that is the Red Light District in Ratchet, do us all a favour and leave your orphan at home.
For example, I would like to take this opportunity to (gently) remind High Examiner Tae'thelan Bloodwatcher that perhaps the wholesale slaughter of dwarven scholars is something a child should not witness, even if the dwarves really did deserve it and were absolutely asking for it by lingering in lands claimed by Quel'Thalas (Grand Magister Rommath offers you his thanks and commendation, by the way). Moreover, a dwarf's severed head is not an acceptable item to leave lying around for children to encounter. Orphan Matron Uretka tells me that several orphans were traumatised upon discovering the aforementioned article amongst your personal effects. Your transforming the offending head into a shower of confetti and chocolates made the matter worse, not better.
4. On a related note, please keep in mind that while you are a powerful magister and need fear no mortal power in Azeroth, your orphans are not similarly skilled. There are certain places you may wish to visit that would not be suitable for your orphan. It has come to my attention that many orphans have, for instance, been brought to battlefields, dungeons, torture chambers, goblin banks, gambling houses, gladiatorial matches and seedy bars. I am fully aware that orphans beg to be shown these locations, and, owing to their bloodthirsty orcish heritage, particularly adore a good savage battle, but they are still children, and handing them a battleaxe and asking them to 'Guard Drek' is a poor choice—both for them and the Horde.
Also: Magister Doranir, while all of us in Silvermoon are utterly riveted by your ground-breaking research, a half-submerged naga shrine to an Old God swarming with faceless ones is not in any way, shape or form an appropriate destination for an excursion with your orphan. I should not need to say this, but Orphan Matron Atheki has written to tell me that the two orphans under your care have been experiencing night terrors, hallucinations, enduring catatonic states, and episodes of bed-wetting.
Please show more care in the future, all of you! For reference, I have provided a list of acceptable and unacceptable locations for outings.
Acceptable Locations to Bring your Orphan:
Any Horde city
Any neutral city, excepting the Red Light Districts (see above)
A quiet meadow in which he can pick flowers or a river in which he can catch fish (and you might even find this bucolic bliss profitable, depending on what you set him to gathering!)
The hair salon
A zeppelin
The bank (but, as mentioned, not the goblin ones)
Unacceptable Locations:
Any Alliance city
Murder Row
Warsong Gulch—or anything called a 'Gulch', really
Icecrown Citadel
Outland in general
Trade Prince Gallywix's Pleasure Palace
Anyone's Pleasure Palace
I would offer the following rule of thumb: if your instincts are telling you that your orphan would be frightened, confused, or in danger of severe bodily harm at any location you are considering visiting, do not visit it.
5. I cannot believe I would have to say this, but I have received several disturbing reports of magisters leading about orcish children on leashes. One can only imagine how Orgrimmar's ambassador to Silvermoon would have reacted upon witnessing this. We are fortunate indeed that she did not; this is precisely the sort of thing that causes international incidents, and I think we can all agree that we've had quite enough of those.
I understand that, for those of you taking the advice of suggestion #4, there will be times when your orphan cannot accompany you; this is understandable. For instance, top secret meetings are not sort-of-secret, or a-little-bit-secret, or kind-of-a-secret, they are top secret, and that means you should not bring your orphan and stash him under the table, hoping that no one will notice (we are still performing counterintelligence operations owing to such conduct, by the way). It is not, however, an excuse for treating your orphan like a glorified dog. You may not bark commands at him, or toss him treats, or make him eat from a bowl on the ground.
Please remember that the doors of Silvermoon remain open to all races of the Horde. I invite you to consider how you would feel if, upon entering Orgrimmar, you were confronted with the sight of half a dozen elven children tethered to mailboxes or lampposts. This is dangerous, unethical, and furthermore it is extremely unsightly.
6. Most of you have been very understanding and shown a great deal of common sense with regard to these previous items, but it would serve to remind us all that even though your orphan is a weepy, petulant brat you should not give in to his every demand just to shut him up, even if he is screaming blue murder in the middle of Aethas Sunreaver's dinner party and everyone is staring at you with open hostility.
For example, if your orphan asks for a translocation crystal of his own, do not give it to him. Orcish children are not trained in the proper use of these items, and for all that they are very common in Silvermoon, he is unlikely to have encountered one before. Therefore, spare your beloved city trouble, and keep your magical goodies to yourself. It does not matter if he promises to be careful; he is lying.
It is irrelevant whether or not he has whined, cried, and threatened to tell everyone about your trip to the Red Light District. Be strong and do not relent. There are orphans still being retrieved from temporal vacuums in the Twisting Nether as I pen these words. This is clearly undesirable for an orphan's health, and it costs Silvermoon untold amounts of money—money that could be better spent on raises for her magisters, or on their brand new uniforms and staffs. Need I say more?
Again, friends, by following these few and very simple suggestions, Children's Week can be a safe, enjoyable, heart-warming and politically expedient event for all of us. Please try to remember that orcish children are living individuals too, hard though it may be for us to believe.
Shorel'aran, friends.
Magister Astalor Bloodsworn
Chief Secretary to the Magisterium
[Here the letter is stamped with the official seal of Grand Magister Rommath, most likely used without his consent.]
Author's Note: Children's Week is by far my favourite seasonal event, in part because I am a huge softy and I love the adorable children, and in part because there is something so cool and humane about your incredibly badass toon spending a week fulfilling the dreams of an orphan. Still, I've always found it absurd (and a little disturbing) that your friend comes with you while you cut bloody swaths of destruction through Azeroth.
This year I loved my little orcish companion and the quests he sent me on—and I really, really loved role-playing a hard-hearted blood elf mage, carting him around to her usual children unfriendly spots and having him carry her bags and, yes, playing hideous 'jokes' on him. I fully admit that this made me feel guilty in RL.
Item number one is, for those of you who are nerds like me, a shout-out to Ansirem Runeweaver's hilarious book in Dalaran on safe polymorphing (and why, for instance, a sickly gazelle should never be transformed into a fire giant).