hi! merry Christmas, all! okay, I admit, I couldn't finish this in time (me the procrastinator), so Part 2 comes later, kay? (so sorry!)

'Stupid human customs,' muttered Byakuya after a taichou's meeting under the influence of Urahara. The ex-taichou had barged his way through a few barriers and lots of shinigami who tried to stop him and then gate-crashed the meeting. For what? To influence all not in the know about an upcoming human tradition, of course. After which he ordered every division to celebrate this certain tradition called Christmas.

So, every traditional taichou (i.e. everyone) was muttering murder threats under his/her breath as the meeting was adjourned, all except Unohana, who decided not to defile her reputation. Despite all murder threats directed at the happy-go-lucky man in the green-and-white striped bucket hat, thirteen conical trees were set up in the thirteen division common halls. All waiting for the legend of the bearded man with the sack of wrapped boxes who had this affinity for chocolate chip cookies and glasses of milk, preferably left on the dining table for him to pick up and consume at midnight.

All these cookie-and-milk stories, of course, explained Santa's pants-size.

--

At precisely 11pm, Urahara made his rounds, ensuring that all division heads had set up a tree and was ready to go to sleep.

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First division

'Urahara, I demand that you leave this division at once, or I will—' the soutaichou raised his staff.

Urahara, in response, nodded happily and peered out from under his hat, after which he ordered the head of seireitei into the futon and kindly offered to tuck him in.

He declined, without a hint of politeness.

'Ahh~~Choujiroouuu!!'

The red-faced fukutaichou of the first division pulled his face into a scowl Ichigo would have been proud of.

'What do you want, Urahara-san?'

'Oh, I just wanted to make sure you were in bed so that Santa wouldn't miss out on you tonight just because you stayed awake past midnight! Sweet dreams!' the ex-taichou blew him a kiss.

Choujirou made a face of disgust and frowned once again as Urahara made his way out of the door, twirling Benihime.

He went to bed.

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Second division

Next victim: well, the next division, of course. Without bothering to knock, Urahara slid the door open and stepped into the room that was strewn with cracker wrappers to see a certain someone eating crackers. He walked right up to Oomaeda and snatched the crackers away and tossed it aside.

'Ne, ne, Marechiyo-saaan,' Urahara sing-songed. 'Stop eating the crackers, it'll keep you awake, and then Santa won't come because you won't be asleep at midnight!'

'But I—'

'No buts!' Urahara said happily, ushering the second-in-command of the second division into his room. 'Because, when Santa comes, he knows whether you're awake or not! And he only gives presents to those who are sleeping and not watching out for him!'

The slight action brought Soifon into the room. 'Urahara, we have set up the (insert beep)-ing tree, so please go away.'

'Ah, but Soifon,' Urahara gleefully discarded all honorifics. 'You see, I wanted to make sure you're all asleep, you know, so that the onmitsukidou won't assassinate Santa in the middle of his mission to deliver presents to everyone!'

Urahara then placed both hands on Soifon's shoulders and steered her in the direction of her room and within seconds he found himself surrounded by ninjas threatening to slice his head clean (except for the blood) off unless he relinquished their superior.

'Uh, right…um, I get the gist, could you, er, let me go now?' the not-so-happy man attempted to slowly back his way out of the second division, still surrounded by ninjas, but even then he had completed his mission of making sure Soifon was in her room. With one consultation of a watch Ichigo had lent him, Urahara decided to Shunpo his way out, hoping the ninjas weren't still after his guts.

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Third division

It was apparent that the second division ninjas were still out to at least make Urahara Kisuke shed some blood when he Shunpo-ed to the third division to find himself, seconds later, surrounded by ninjas.

There and then, an argument took place in the front garden of the third division.

'What do you want? I left already, so just leave me alone!'

'We want to know what you were doing in our division quarters harassing our taichou.'

'I wasn't harassing her! I was just trying to make sure Santa didn't dump any lumps of coal under your tree tonight! So if you want nice presents instead of lumps of coal, put cookies and milk out and go to sleep like good little children, okay?'

The second division members scowled. Eventually Urahara decided the best way out was to enter the third division, which thankfully none of the ninjas decided they should enter.

'Gin-kuuunn!!' Urahara once again fearlessly dropped all basics of respect while addressing his former colleagues. 'Are ya sleepin'?' he apparently also decided to imitate Ichimaru's Kansai dialect.

'Wha' is it, Urahara-saaann?' the taichou of the third division recognised the exaggerated Kansai dialect directed at him and dragged his words out even more.

'Well, ya see…ah just wanted ta' make sure tha' you would go ta' sleep befo' Santa came to deliver presents…' Urahara seemed to be having a lot of fun tonight.

'Oh really? Well, don't worry, ne, Urahara-san, ah'm abou' ta' sleep soon, ne, but Santa ain't gettin' no cookies,' Ichimaru waved a hand vaguely in the direction of Urahara.

'Gin-kuun?' how abou' tha' tree?'

'Inside, in tha' room there,' he waved his hand vaguely in the direction of a dark little room.

Both men chuckled as Urahara left the building and Ichimaru entered his room.

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Fourth division

'Urahara-san, please go out.' The taichou of the fourth division ordered the happy Santa's Messenger out of the building.

Ever-eager to help Santa, he refused. 'But Unohana…tell me, where did you set up the tree?'

'We have set it up in the main hall, but we are NOT going to sleep. We, as the medical centre, have patients to care for. We do not leave them alone and go to sleep early just to satisfy the conditions of a child's fairytale.'

Urahara was stumped. 'Uh…then, um,'

Unohana walked over to Urahara and pulled herself up to her full height where she towered over him, braid swinging ominously in his face. 'I, said,'

'OkayokayIgetitnoneedtoforcemeoutalrightIcangetoutbymyselfI'msorryokay???' Urahara turned, ran for a few metres, did an abrupt about-turn and flicked his paper fan open. 'Fooled ya!' he smiled happily.

'What do you want us to do?' the healer was getting into one of those rare states of anger.

'Let's see…maybe, hmm…how about if I wanted everyone to sleep?'

'No.'

'Sedatives?'

'No.'

'Anaesthetic?'

'No.'

'A knock on the head with a very big hammer?'

'NO.'

'How about…'

'GET OUT!' and the smiling panda-eyed man was tossed out, fan and all, onto the grassy lawn of the fourth division where the concerned seventh-seat asked whether he required medical attention.

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Fifth division

The devoted fukutaichou of the fifth division opened the door to the Christmas Nightmare, also known as Urahara Kisuke.

'Ah, Urahara-san, let me go get Aizen-taichou.'

Conniving man that he is, Urahara obviously had to eavesdrop on the conversation held on the other side of the door.

'Aizen-taichou! It's Urahara-san! I think he wants to come in to do something about tomorrow…'

'This is unacceptable. Hinamori-kun, the ink stone.'

After a while of shuffling, the door creaked open. 'Urahara-san,' Hinamori said. 'Aizen-taichou wants you to come in.'

The man paled.

'Oh, really? I don't think I should intrude on your privacy, of course except to make sure that you have a tree set up?' the girl nodded. 'And how about going to sleep? You need to be asleep by midnight…'

'No, no, Aizen-taichou says you have to come in!'

The kind figure of Aizen Sousuke appeared at the door. 'Never mind, Hinamori-kun, we can discuss matters here, can't we?' he turned to face Urahara, raising the ink stone.

'Ara, you want me to help you write a wish list to Santa? Sorry, but it's a little late for that, why don't you just go to sleep and see what you get tomorrow morning?'

Upon seeing that the fifth division was tougher than what he expected, Urahara decided to display a little of his prowess and wrestled the ink stone away from the taichou of the fifth division and clubbed him over the head with it before knocking Hinamori unconscious with the same weapon.

Once again checking the watch borrowed from the shinigami daikou, Urahara decided that due to lack of time before midnight violent methods will be put into practice to sedate those who did not agree after two minutes of persuasion.

He took the ink stone.

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Sixth division

'Ne, Abarai-kun, go to sleep, okay? Or else Santa will give you lumps of coal tonight…'

'No. the paperwork is due next week. It must be finished.'

'But Santa is coming tomorrow!'

'Tell Kuchiki-taichou about it.'

'Okay!' and Urahara brought the ink stone (courtesy of fifth division) down on Renji's head, effectively knocking the man unconscious.

The door to the taichou's office opened to reveal the taichou of the sixth division hard at work at his desk while a simple tree sat in one corner of the room.

'Byakushi!!' the ex-taichou of the twelfth division borrowed a certain someone's nickname to tic a certain someone off. 'Go to sleep, ne?'

'No.'

'Ok!' and the taichou received the same treatment his second in command had received: a whack in the head.

With a loud cracking noise, the ink stone made contact with his head and it took Urahara a full minute to figure out that the crack noise was not his precious weapon crumbling but in fact a certain noble's kenseikan crumbling.

Oh well. No more hair noodles, then.

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Seventh division

The soft glow of a candle could be seen in the otherwise dark seventh division and Santa's Oversized Eager Helper Elf decided to find out why.

'Ano…'

'What do you want, Urahara-san?' Komamura was not exactly in the best of moods in the candlelight.

'I thought you were all asleep…?'

'We got a power cut.' The officers of the seventh division were doing the paperwork mentioned in the sixth division.

'Oh. Well then, when life gives you blackberries, make strawberries!' and he blew out the candle.

'How does that work? I thought it was lemons and lemonade…'

'Never mind! Now that we have a power cut, we blow out the candle and then go to sleep! Chop chop!'

And it wasn't exactly chop-chop, but more like whack-whack, thud-thud.

Three cheers for the ink stone, and by the way, thanks, Aizen.

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Eighth division

'Nanao-chaaaan!'

'What, taichou? I'm doing the paperwork! It's due next week, in case you never realised!'

'There was paperwork?'

'Are you drunk?'

'No…why?'

'What do you want?'

'Well, see, there's this whole Santa thing…and so shouldn't we be going to sleep?'

'In different rooms.'

'Aww…'

With a loud thwack noise, a file hit Kyouraku over the head and a satisfied Nanao dragged him across the floor to a room where she threw him in and slammed the door. Having done so, she proceeded to go to her own room in the barracks.

Urahara Kisuke, the Nightmare before Christmas, had seen. And since he had seen, he headed for Nanao's room window.

Nanao pulled a few stacks of paperwork out of her shihakushou and sat on her futon, brush held in her hand when a bucket hat popped up at her window sill and yelled, 'remember to sleep, ne?'

Screaming, the fukutaichou of the eighth division slammed her window shut.

Before long, Urahara had managed to crank it open again and climb through, give Nanao a little pep talk on the benefits of sleeping early on Christmas Eve before dealing a hard whack to the side of her head and then climbing out of the window.

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Ninth division

Urahara found a gong somewhere and decided to add it to his selection of weapons (namely the ink stone). Charging into the ninth division clanging the gong, he yelled, 'BEDTIME!!!' before breaking into song about wee little winkie running through the town.

The entire division cringed and tried to wrestle the gong away. 'Go to bed! Why don't you just go to bed! Don't you want presents tomorrow morning?'

With the gong out of commission, Urahara proceeded to knock people unconscious with the traditional knock-em-out-with-an-ink-stone method.

Dusting his hands off and collecting his gong back, Urahara hurried to the tenth division. After all, no point wasting time arguing when you only have ten minutes till Santa comes with his sack and his craving for chocolate chip cookies to be washed down with a cup of milk.

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Tenth division

All was calm in the tenth division (for once) but the lights were still on. This proved to be a problem for Santa's Personal Wee Little Winkie, who was halfway down the path with his trusty ink stone and gong.

And as if on cue, the peace was broken with screams from the office.

Screams from the mouths of the two most superior officers in the division.

'MATSUMOTO I DEMAND that you put me down RIGHT NOW!'

'TAICHOU we need to sleep, or else Santa won't bring us any presents!'

'I DON'T CARE, OKAY? THE PAPERWORK'S DUE NEXT WEEK SO PUT ME DOWN ALREADY! I'M YOUR (insert beep)-ING SUPERIOR!'

'But taichou, this—'

'Souten ni za—'

'No taichou don't do that!'

'AUGH MATSUMOTO DON'T DO THAT!'

'Do what?'

'Never mind. Give me back my zanpakutou.'

'Not until you agree to go to sleep.'

'YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER LET ME GO!'

'But taichou I—'

'AUGH MATSUMOTO DON'T DO THAT!'

'What?'

'Bakudou no kyuu: geki! Hadou no sanjyuusan! Soukatsui!'

Screaming ensued.

Urahara then ran a quick errand into the battlefield to deliver his famous knock-on-the-wherever's-closest tactic.

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Eleventh division

All was silent, though the windows were broken (courtesy of the Daily Morning War). Quite a rare sight, excluding the broken windows.

In the silence, a low-volume conversation was held.

'Whoa, taichou, how'd you get her to sleep?'

'Mmph, Ikkaku, tell Urahara to tell Yachiru that Santa comes every night, m'kay?'

'Yessir.'

And the two drunken men fell asleep.

It was the first mistake of the night for Santa's missionary. He charged into the eleventh division clanging his gong, effectively awakening the fukutaichou.

'Ken-chan, Ken-chan! Santa came! And he brought something LOUD with him! Ken-chan? Ken-chan WAKE UP!!'

Urahara cringed. 'Yachiru-chan, go to sleep! Remember Santa doesn't give presents to those who are awake!' he hissed.

The little girl was asleep in five seconds

'Well, that was easy,' said Urahara as he conveniently leapt out of a window.

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Twelfth division

'Nemu, hand me the files on that shelf.'

'Hai, Mayuri-sama.'

The files clattered to the floor when the man in the bucket hat broke into the lab hitting his gong.

'Stupid Nemu!' and the taichou proceeded to insult his daughter in any way possible.

'GO TO SLEEP!!'

'Sorry, Mayuri-sama.'

'Pick them up and get me the files on the shelf next to it, too.'

'BEDTIIIIME!!'

'Hai, Mayuri-sama.'

'LISTEN TO MEEE!!'

'Nemu, unlock this database.' Kurotsuchi Mayuri started flipping through a file.

'FIVE MINUTES TO MIDNIIIIIIIGHT!!'

'Hai, Mayuri-sama.' Beeping noises ensued as Nemu's fingers flew over the large keyboard.

'SANTA'S COMIIIINGG!!' a "bing" noise erupted from the computer as the database was unlocked.

'Nemu, shut this old guy up.'

'Hai, Mayuri-sama.' She raised a fist but before it made contact the ink stone made contact with her head while the gong crashed over Mayuri's head.

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Thirteenth division

'Ukitake-taichou!' Kiyone clattered through the thirteenth division with a cup of green tea. Sentarou was likewise clattering through the thirteenth division, but he held a bottle of pills. hearing a set of muffled coughs from a door, the two san-seki practically knocked the door down and forced the tea and pills on him, then forcing him onto the bed for rest in hopes that he would recover.

Just as this nightly ritual was being carried out, Urahara burst in and attempted to convince the two san-seki to sleep instead of caring for their sickly taichou the whole night.

'But Urahara-san, what if taichou falls sick in the middle of the night?'

'Hey, that's my line!'

'Shut up, you fat beard-grower!'

'I am NOT growing a beard, midget!'

'You said WHAT?'

'I mean it, MIDGET!'

'FATSO!'

And the two were down in two swift knocks of the trusty ink stone from the desk of the fifth division.

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Lucky for Santa it was one minute before midnight.

right! how was that? my first Christmas fic! hehheh...um, I shall leave what happened in the tenth division up to your imagination.