Homewrecker
Crowley and Aziraphale were feeding the ducks in St. James Park, it was a year after fauxmageddon. When suddenly the Kinks' Wicked Annabella started playing from Crowley's pocket.
"Why is your pocket playing music?" Aziraphale asked.
"I don't know?!" Crowley shouted. "Besides it's my phone."
Crowley grabbed his phone out his pocket. He glanced at the screen and cursed, then answered it.
"WHAT?!" He yelled. "What the bloody hell do you want?"
"…"
"Pick you up from Heathrow?!"
"…."
"No! I'm not—" He began then listening he sighed and muttered. "Yes, fine alright, I will, yes see you soon, Ciao."
He turned off his phone and groaned loudly.
"Who was that?" Aziraphale asked.
"Oh you know, Adam's Ex." Crowley sighed.
"Adam Young? but he's eleven…" Aziraphale began.
"NO, the ORIGINAL ADAM, " Crowley sighed.
Aziraphale glanced around and lowering his voice said: "Lilith?"
"Yes, whore too half of hell , a third of heaven, and mother of half of hell," Crowley said. "She's so obnoxious but I owe her a favor."
"Do you want me to come with you?" Aziraphale asked.
"Yes, would you? I need a buffer." Crowley said.
"You know, I've never met her," Aziraphale said. "What's she like?"
"Oh you'll see…" Crowley sighed miserably.
~~~~~~~ City of Ur about 3300 B.C~~~~~~~
Crowley groaned his head ached so bad, he'd been drinking date wine for the last couple of days and hadn't remember to sober up before tasing out. In fact there was BIG black hole in his memory. He was sitting up in bed, the was naked, in human form, here were gashes on his arms, hickeys on his neck and he felt absolutely raw in the genital area. What had happened. He saw the outline figure with bat wings in the bed and a head of long curly black hair. He'd been drinking date wine with Lilith, and then ….
"OH FUCK!" He cursed.
She stirred in bed, moaning softly.
"Crawley?" She said in fried low voice.
He sobered up, he knew they had sex, hoping against she wasn't… well, up the duff as she almost never used birth control, then he turned into a gnat and left at speed of light.
"…So you slept with her?" Aziraphale asked in the disgusted tone as the Bentley sped along.
"It was a very long time ago, I was young, she was young, and I was very very drunk," Crowley said with emphasis. "Besides other than you, she likes EARTH, she spends time up here, she was human originally, after all. Besides I owe her a favor."
"You don't have any offspring with her, do you?" Aziraphale asked.
"No! I got lucky there, considering half of hell pays her child support," Crowley said.
"They have child support in hell?" Aziraphale wondered.
"Oh yes…." Crowley groaned.
Aziraphale had waited in the car park, leaning against the car, reading copy of Summer Lighting to pass the time. he remembered good old P. G. "Plum" Wodehouse, nice chap, good friend, to bad mortal lives were so brief…
Then the smell hit him, it smelled like a bathtub full fo Chanel No. 5, but something very musky and deeply female underneath like a brothel.* He covered his nose in shock. As Lilith and Crowley rounded the corner. Crowley was loaded down with Louis Vuitton bags, beside him walked Lilith in human form. Her hair was big long black and curly, she had light brown skin, she was heavily made up, smokey kohl ringed eyes, plump lips red, moving as she chewed gum. She wore a tiny shimmery tight blood red sleeveless, cheetah patterned dress, that began at the top of her breasts and ended at the top of her thighs, on her feet were black shiny gladiator heels. Her figure though was lush, voluptuous, dangerously curvy and her legs went for miles. Her eyes lit up when she saw Aziraphale.
"Crawley who's yer friend,?" She said in a loud very American voice with most fried vocals ever.
"It's Crowely now," he replied sighing. "That's Aziraphale—"
She gave Crowley a playful push that nearly toppled him as she squealed: "I KNOOOOOOW!" She extended a hand with long curving lacquered nails, her gold bracelet adorned wrist jingled: "Ooooh! I've heard so much about ya angel, You are FAMOUS in heaven and Hell! Gabe won't stop BITCHING about ya!"
Aziraphale couldn't place her accent, it was bit New Jersey, a bit Brooklyn, a bit Southern US, with some LA mixed in and of course deep fried vocals.
He hesitantly took her hand, he wasn't sure whether to shake it or kiss it. "Errmm, nice to meet you?"
He decided to do something half way, raise it halfway and give it a soft and diffident shake.
She gripped him HARD pulled him in close, Aziraphale could hear her give a snort as she sniffed him? And then hugged him tightly. He went stiff didn't move.
"OH! You smell nice!" She bellowed "I'm so happy CROWLEY has someone now! He sure knows how to use that forked tongue, doesn't he?"
She winked.
And released him, Aziraphale reeled "How did you—"
"Oh I can smell him on ya," She said.
"Lilith please…" Crowley sighed, blushing. "We need to get going."
"Fine, fine…. Be that way, CROWley…" she rolled her eyes.
After they had loaded all her luggage in the car, She sat herself in the back seat with a laugh.
Aizrpahale and Crowley glanced at each other, tiredly.
"So ermm what brings you to England?" Asked Aziraphale.
"Oh well, I've been in the STATES so long, it was getting so boring, "She said. "Not to mention annoying as FUCK, what with PRESIDENT TRUMP hitting me up for a booty call so much. Not that I've touched him since he started running for office. I decided to come to Jolly Olde England to kick off my world tour!"
"Do you have to shout everything?' Crowley said through gritted teeth.
"Oy vey, this just my normal voice, what's yer problem!?" She said.
Crowley looked like he was about to give her an answer, but just ground his teeth and put his foot on the gas.
"Hey is that Queen, turn it up!" She squealed.
Crowley drove her to the luxury hotel she was renting for the staying at, silently he helped with the luggage and silently all three of them rode the lift together, she'd pulled out her phone and was doing something and then she squealed and giggled with delight.
~~~~~~~~Ur 3300 B.C~~~~~~~~
The sigil they drew was crude but grabbed Crowley and held him almost motionless and it hurt. The room was lit by oil lamp and in the door way a cloth covering the entrance and the men in the hooded robes where very early occultist of the satanic bent (not that people of Sumeria called evil satan).
"O Demon we have summoned you and bound you," Said hooded figure. "You will reveal hidden knowledge and secrets to us, you will bestow riches on us."
"How about you erase the circle, I'm in, then I'll tell you everything you want," Crowley said this would be easy low grade thugs like them. They even had a dead rooster.
A second hooded figure stepped forward eagerly the first took him by the wrist. "No, it's a trap, do not listen to him."
The third hooded figure: "You are Wiley O, Demon but we will not fall for your tricks, you will give us this knowledge or…you will suffer."
"Suffer, really what can you do to me?" Crowley was bluffing it felt though he was tied up so tight he could hardly move and he was getting cramps all over.
The third figure added a squiggle to the circle, and an explosion of PAIN rippled through Crowley. The thing is, even if wanted to tell them secrets and reveal treasure or whatever, Hell would NOT approve and they'd find away of hurting him ten times the amount.
"Tell us, we have the holist water from the scared well," Said first figure holding up a terra cotta jug. "We shall destroy you."
Crowley considered his options, this was a doozy. Then through the drape on the door a woman entered, her eyes dark with kohl, her hair dark and curly.
"What's going on here?" She asked boldly.
"Begone whore! We have no need of you yet," Said the second robed figure.
"Whore?" The woman laughed and seemed to get bigger, the shadows she cast danced and grew. "I am not a whore. I am THE WHORE."
She grew larger in scale, her eyes went red, curving goat horns sprang from her brow, her feet became talons and huge batlike wings unfurled from her back.
"DO NOT THREATEN WITH MY FRIEND, OR I WILL MAKE YOU EDNURE SUSCH TORMENTS!" She bellowed.
The hooded figures screamed and fled.
She looked around rolled her shoulders, and suddenly was back I her human form. She walked over, to circle and smiled at him.
"Friend?" Crowley asked. "I've never seen you in my life."
"Yes but we minions of hell need to stick together." She said.
"We do?" He asked. "Who are you?"
She took her now human foot and scuffed out the circle. Crowley stretched, he was grateful but…
"I'm Lilith" She said still smiling.
"Ah, Lilith, " Crowley backed away he'd heard of her and didn't need her kind of trouble in his life.
"What, don't be like that, I don't bite," Her voice was hoarse and soft. "How long did they have you?"
"Ugh… a week." Crowley shuddered.
"Hmmm you need a drink, I know a place where the date wine is cheap and strong." She said.
"IS it good?" He asked furrowing his brow.
She took his hand. "No but it's cheap and strong."
He smiled. "Two out of three is alright I guess."
They walked off together.