Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 7
EPISODE 16
Airdate: January 20, 2019
"The Secret World of Buster Newman"
Special Guest Stars: Dorien Wilson as Mr. Frax
#TYH714
SCENE 1
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
One day, Buster walks up to the water fountain when a kid pushes him aside.
KID: Out the way, I'm late for class.
BUSTER: Hey, man, it's your world.
The kid turns off the faucet and walks away as Wade walks up to Buster.
WADE: Buster, that guy just cut in front of you.
BUSTER: Yeah, so?
WADE: Well, don't you think you should do something about it?
BUSTER: No, he's already gone. Besides, I like to listen to what the great Bob Marley once said, "Peace, love, and some other thing I can't remember, but don't put me in jail for shooting the sheriff. It was in self-defense."
Wade sighs in annoyance.
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
The kids are eating lunch later on.
SPARKY: I'm just saying, Buster, if you want a girlfriend, you have to put yourself out there. Wrestle with sharks, tug on Superman's cape.
BUSTER: Sparky, if I ever tugged on Superman's cape, he would kill me with his heat vision.
JAYLYNN: He means you have to try taking risks to get what you want. Think about a girl you like and just go for it.
BUSTER: Well, I was always interested in Sanna. I just didn't think I had a shot.
RK: Hey, I didn't think I had a shot with Anna, but I still went for it. And look at me now.
BUSTER: Yeah, but I arranged that. And then I almost died.
RK: Yeah, the Diana story. Classic. Just go over there and get what you're after.
BUSTER: Alright. Time for Sanna to be mesmerized by the Buster charm.
Buster licks his hand and runs it through his hair, then walks over to Sanna and Ashley.
ASHLEY: Oh, hey Buster.
BUSTER: Ashley, please. You're going to make this harder than it needs to be.
ASHLEY: Huh?
BUSTER: Look, Sanna, you and me need to have a talk. Boy to girl, you and me, straight up. It's on.
SANNA: Okay, sure. What do you want to talk about?
BUSTER: Hmmm. What do I want to talk about? That's something, isn't it?
BUSTER'S BRAIN (V.O.): Dude, you're about to ask out the prettiest girl in school. She can buy and sell you in less than an hour. Don't screw this up by being a spaz.
BUSTER: Okay, breathe in and breathe out. Sanna, I think of you as a very beautiful girl. And beautiful girls usually make me feel strange in my tummy. So I need you to understand that...that...wait, what am I talking about?
SANNA: That's what I'm trying to figure out too.
ASHLEY: Are you trying to ask out Sanna?
BUSTER: Ask out Sanna? No, of course not. How could I ask someone out? And why are you guys staring at me like that when you know I'm not asking anyone out? LEAVE ME ALONE!
Buster screams and runs out of the lunchroom.
JAYLYNN: I feel bad for him. I really do.
RK: You want to do him one better and ask Sanna out?
JAYLYNN: No, because I don't believe in dying before I get to the fifth grade.
SCENE 3
iCarly Elementary School
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Buster are leaving school later that day.
BUSTER: That was horrible. I didn't even know what I was doing. It was like that time I tried teaching a first grader sign language.
SPARKY: I still don't know why you let that kid think you knew how to do it.
BUSTER: How else am I supposed to make people think I'm special? I'm just a loser, man. I'll never be good enough to get what I really want in life.
SPARKY: Oh, come on, Buster, don't talk like that. You can't help who you are. Besides, you were able to date Ashley.
BUSTER: Oh, please, I forget that happened all the time. Face it, I'm going nowhere.
SPARKY: Man, you're just going through a slump. Everybody has their bad days. Hey, why don't you come to my place tonight and watch SmackDown? That always cheers you up.
BUSTER: Yeah, that's true. Alright, I'll see you soon.
SPARKY: See you, man.
BUSTER: See ya.
Sparky and Buster go their separate ways.
BUSTER: Wait, where's my car? Who stole it?! Oh, that's right, I took the bus here.
SCENE 4
Seattle, Washington
Buster gets off the bus in an unidentified area and two older-looking boys follow him off the bus as he walks home whistling. Buster's whistling slowly stops as he realizes that he is being followed and as he turns around, the boys are cornering him.
BOY #1: Hey, dude, give us your phone real quick.
BUSTER: Why do you want to see the phone of some kid you don't know?
BOY #2: Look, we're not playing. Give us the phone and we'll leave you alone.
BUSTER: You're lying! Besides, you don't want to try someone who has mace!
BOY #1: Really?
BUSTER: No, but did that scare you?
Beat.
BUSTER: Okay, it didn't, but...
Buster tries running away, but the two kids pull him to the ground and begin assaulting him. An old man passes by the situation and sees Buster getting attacked, but simply tips his hat to no one in particular and continues walking.
SCENE 5
Seattle Police Department
Interior Interrogation Room
Seattle, Washington
Later on, a bruised and battered Buster is speaking to a few policemen about the incident.
BUSTER: Look, I can't remember exactly what they looked like, but one of them had glasses and the other one had that swoosh thing with his hair. You know, like Max Thunderman.
COP #1: Okay, Buster, that's a really interesting description. But could you try explaining to me the racial identity of the perpetrators?
BUSTER: They're white. I already told you that three times.
COP #2: Are you sure they were fully white? Did one of them at least look like there could be some melanin in them?
BUSTER: Who cares about them eating melons? What kind of cops are you?!
COP #1: Is it possible that there was some Hispanic or Asian in the mix?
BUSTER: They were both whiter than Frosty the Snowman.
COP #2: Yeah, but how many young Caucasian kids are really robbing people for smartphones?
BUSTER: Two! THEY ROBBED ME!
COP #1: Okay, before we begin investigating, did either of them at least sound like they had non-white characteristics?
Buster gives the cops a disgusted look.
SCENE 6
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Later that day, the kids are talking to Buster about the robbery.
SPARKY: So, are they going to find the guys who did this to you?! Or should I?
BUSTER: I don't know if they will. They're still not convinced that they were white.
SPARKY: What?
JAYLYNN: Man, they're lucky I wasn't there. They're so damn lucky. I wish they could have seen me there.
RK: We're not in Portland, man. What would you have done?
JAYLYNN: Like I need to explain to you what I would have done when you know what I would have done.
WADE: Well, the good news is that now that the police are on the case, you'll get justice, Buster.
BUSTER: I don't think so. I might tell the police to drop the case.
KIDS: What?
BUSTER: Look, if I let this go on, it's gonna lead to a lot of attention I don't need. I won't even get my phone back, and if I go to trial, I'll just be another white kid sending people to jail. What's the point?
SPARKY: Buster, you can't be serious. If you let it go, those guys are just going to end up harassing other kids.
BUSTER: I don't know. I'll think about it, but I just want to forget it ever happened. I forgot about that pizzeria two blocks down getting closed, and I'll forget about this too.
Buster gets off the couch and begins to limp his way upstairs.
JAYLYNN: Shit. We really need to get some pizza after this.
Cut to the sound of a toilet flushing and Buster leaving the bathroom. He stops walking towards the steps when he hears RK's voice.
RK (V.O.): You know, sometimes, I don't know about Buster. It's like he just lets the world shit on him and he doesn't care.
Cut to the guys talking on the couch as Buster eavesdrops on them.
SPARKY: I don't know. We're all wired differently. Buster's just not the kind of person to get bothered by everything.
WADE: That's the problem. He doesn't get bothered by anything. It's like he hates dealing with things that might be a little bit too hard.
JAYLYNN: So do you blame him for getting robbed?
WADE: No, not at all. It's the fact that he doesn't want those guys taken care of that I don't understand.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I hear you. But those idiots are cowards. Buster doesn't go looking for trouble. They just went after him because they thought he was an easy target.
Cut back to an angry Buster still eavesdropping.
SPARKY (V.O.): That's true. Of course, try your luck with the right person at the right time. Anybody could do that.
Buster storms off and slams his bedroom door.
SCENE 7
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
The next day, the kids are talking to each other while they eat.
RK: Jaylynn, are you sure you're up for lunch today? You had six slices last night.
JAYLYNN: You don't have to recap what I did with my own money.
At that point, Buster walks into the cafeteria carrying a bag lunch and sits down with an annoyed look on his face.
SPARKY: Hey, man. You're harder to reach than Jay and Beyonce. It's too bad you missed SmackDown.
BUSTER: Well, anybody could watch it. That show's just too "easy" for me to watch.
SPARKY: Um, okay?
WADE: So Buster, you reconsidered dropping the case against those boys?
BUSTER: Yeah. I think I'm going to go through with it and let the police do what they know how to do.
WADE: Really? That's great.
BUSTER: You would think that. Does this sound like something that's too much for me to deal with, Wade?
RK: Oh, this isn't going to end well.
BUSTER: Yeah, it won't. Because when I don't let the world shit on me, why would it?
SPARKY: Wait a minute. You heard everything we said last night, didn't you?
BUSTER: What gave it away?
JAYLYNN: I think it was when you started passive aggressively using our quotes against us.
BUSTER: Oh, really? I guess I should have went after an easy target first, huh? Okay, that didn't even make any sense.
RK: You know, Buster, when we said all that stuff, we weren't trying to be mean.
BUSTER: Well, you could have fooled me. You're my friends and you were sitting there on my couch in my condo talking cash shit? You're lucky I didn't have you all arrested.
SPARKY: Cash shit?
BUSTER: I heard someone in my building say it.
WADE: Buster, believe me, we only said that stuff because we're all worried about you. We just don't want you to get taken advantage of.
BUSTER: Yeah, sure. Explain yourself after getting caught. I'm going to go eat in the bathroom. At least that's something new. You know, since it's probably too predictable for me to eat here.
Buster takes his bag lunch and leaves the cafeteria.
JAYLYNN: This sucks. How could you guys talk cash shit in his own condo?
RK: Are...are you serious? You did the exact same thing!
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but at least I know that it was wrong to do it. You guys need to catch up to me.
SCENE 8
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
After school, Buster is watching TV when Wade walks in.
WADE: Hey Buster. Doing a little lounging after school? What are you watching?
BUSTER: Shut up. You don't deserve to know what I watch.
WADE: I guess I don't. Look, I just wanted to apologize on the behalf of the guys for everything we said about you. We know you can't help who you are. We're not perfect.
BUSTER: You know what really hurts about everything you guys said?
WADE: That your friends were taking turns insulting your character with no regard to your feelings?
BUSTER: I dunno. But it's really because everything you said was true.
WADE: Wait, what?
BUSTER: Wade, there are so many things that I'm insecure about. I'm weak, I get embarrassed easily, I can't fight, I'm not pretty. Once I heard you guys say all those things, I felt like shit.
WADE: We never said anything about you being pretty.
BUSTER: Didn't have to. That's where the conversation was headed. Wade, you said what you felt in your heart. God put certain people in this world to be losers, and I'm one of them.
WADE: You're not a loser. You have flaws like everyone else. I mean, look at me. I'm not a natural born leader. I can't make decisions on the spot like Sparky can. That's pressure, and pressure is my enemy.
BUSTER: Is that supposed to make me feel better?
WADE: Kinda. You're my friend, Buster. I'm supposed to uplift you, not bring you down. I wish there was some way I could help you out.
BUSTER: Forget it. There's nothing you can do. When I get older and sick, I'm going to donate my brain to science. Maybe they can find something to do with me after I'm dead.
WADE: Wait a minute. That's it!
BUSTER: Yeah. I'm giving away my brain for a reason. You gotta listen when I talk, Wade.
WADE: No, I'm saying that science is the answer. It's simple. Everything in this world comes down to a science.
BUSTER: I don't get it.
WADE: Don't you see, Buster? The reason you feel so bad is because you feel like you can't change, or it will take too long for you to change. But I can use science to help you change without you needing to lift a finger.
BUSTER: How?
WADE: Well, that's going to take some time. Do you think I could monitor your behavior for a while until I find the answer?
BUSTER: I don't think so. Not if you're going to need blood samples and stick needles and syringes in me.
WADE: I was just thinking I take notes on you while you eat at Burger King and watch TV and stuff.
BUSTER: Oh. Well, that's okay. But the minute you start pricking me, the deal's off.
WADE: I'm not, Buster.
BUSTER: Just because you say it with your lips, doesn't mean you're saying it with your heart.
SCENE 9
("The Formula" by The D.O.C. plays in the background)
Wade has taken it upon himself to begin monitoring Buster's activity in order to help him improve scientifically. He spends more time with Buster through watching TV with him, doing homework with him, playing catch with him at Ken Griffey, Jr. Park, and eating with him. During this time, Wade develops a habit of rubbing his chin, nodding, and taking notes on a clipboard. At one point, Wade hooks up electrodes to Buster's head and begins to monitor his brain activity while taking notes. One night while raining, Wade is shown going through several different unidentified chemicals in order to create a new formula. His eyes remain widened as he creates the formula, and to top it off, he adds a small amount of Mountain Dew to it. Wade then tapes a picture of Buster's face to the formula label and makes sure the lid is closed tightly.
SCENE 10
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
On that same rainy night, Buster is watching TV when Wade walks in.
BUSTER: Hey Wade. You're just in time. They're showing a commercial about Crayola crayons with invisible ink. You can't even see what you draw!
WADE: Why would someone waste their time buying that?
BUSTER: So they can hide things from people that are nosy. Duh.
WADE: Anyway, I figured out the key to why you're feeling so inadequate. You lack the natural ability to be more assertive.
BUSTER: I don't like where this is going.
WADE: No, see, it's because you don't have this ability that's interfering with your life. It's why that guy cut in front of you or you weren't able to ask out Sanna or you almost dropped the case with the police. You're so afraid of what's going to happen, you don't want to take any risks.
BUSTER: So, what do I do? Just continue being broken?
WADE: Absolutely not. Because I have the antidote.
Wade takes the formula out of his bag.
BUSTER: Chicken noodle soup? The answer to my problems is a can of Campbell's with my face on it?!
WADE: No, you bird brain, it's a scientific formula specifically designed for you.
BUSTER: Explain. And explain it in a way that I would understand.
WADE: Okay. I give you formula. You drink formula, and formula make you stronger person.
BUSTER: Dude, I'm not five. Could you explain it like you actually have some respect for me?
WADE: Oh, so you can be assertive. Well, see, with this formula, it will allow dormant parts of your brain to wake up and have more of an impact on your decisions. You'll become more willing to speak your mind, less afraid to take chances, and your confidence will be artificially enhanced.
BUSTER: Wait a minute. Are there any side effects?
WADE: None that I know of, why?
BUSTER: Well, it just seems like you have a history with these things. You make something, it's okay for a little while, then for some reason you didn't anticipate, it goes wrong, then you have to fix it before we all die, and you never try it again.
WADE: Look, it may have happened a few times in the past, but that doesn't mean it's going to happen again. I've prepared myself for every contingency imaginable.
BUSTER: So what if I take this and I start speaking in a strange accent?
WADE: Prepared.
BUSTER: How about I grow a beard and begin needing to take pills every hour?
WADE: Prepared.
BUSTER: What if I become a murderous, bloodthirsty crackhead with an unshakeable taste for human flesh?
WADE: Believe me, I'm prepared for everything.
BUSTER: Well, I guess if you're prepared, it won't matter if I start thinking Jaylynn looks good enough to eat.
SCENE 11
The Newman Condominium
Interior Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
Later that night, Buster has his pajamas on while holding the formula in his hands.
BUSTER: This is such a great picture of me. I was so on that day. Okay, Wade said to just take this in one go and I'll feel different in the morning. So, it's time to say goodbye to the old Buster. Tonight's the night I start a new chapter in the book of Buster. On this day, I see clearly, and everything's come to life.
BUSTER'S BRAIN (V.O.): Will you just drink the damn formula?
BUSTER: Shut up, this is a game changing moment! Alright, here we go.
Buster opens the lid and begins drinking the formula.
BUSTER: Hey, that's pretty good. Think there's a little Mountain Dew in this shit.
Buster continues drinking the formula.
SCENE 12
The Newman Condominium
Interior Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
The next morning, Buster yawns and scratches his back.
BUSTER: I don't feel any different. Wait, let me try something.
Buster clears his throat.
BUSTER: FEAR ME! Please, I didn't even believe that. Well, I guess I have to tell Wade that his formula didn't work. There's just no fixing me.
BUSTER 3.0: That's what you think.
At that point, another Buster with his natural brown hair walks out of the bathroom.
BUSTER: What, did Wade have a little taste when he made that formula? What's going on?!
BUSTER 3.0: Don't be so dramatic, I'm you.
BUSTER: No, you're not. I'm me.
BUSTER 3.0: No, I'm you, and you're me.
BUSTER: Okay, we're not doing this. Where in the world did you come from?
BUSTER 3.0: From the formula. It created the Buster you always wanted to be. Cool, sophisticated, confident. The whole nine yards.
BUSTER: But I wanted to be those things, not someone else!
BUSTER 3.0: Again, I'm you.
BUSTER: I'm not repeating myself. There can't be two Busters running around, so how do we do this? You want me to just swallow you and then I get your cool Buster energy?
BUSTER 3.0: That's not how it works, dumbass. Just call Wade and he'll explain the whole thing.
BUSTER: Fine. But don't go anywhere. I need your voice for evidence.
Cut to Wade eating cereal at the kitchen table when his phone starts ringing. He proceeds to pick it up.
WADE: Hey Buster, what's up?
BUSTER: Hey Wade. Listen, remember when you gave me that formula that was supposed to make me more assertive or something?
WADE: Yeah. That was less than twelve hours ago.
BUSTER: Great, thanks for remembering. See, I think there's something in the formula you forgot to check out because there's a clone standing right next to me!
BUSTER 3.0: What's going on, Wade? Formula Buster over here.
WADE: What the hell? I'm coming over there right now.
SCENE 13
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That same morning, Wade is inspecting Buster's duplicate.
WADE: Amazing. I guess the formula had an effect where it instead created a physical manifestation of your mind. One entirely different entity from you.
BUSTER: Okay, that all makes sense, but what am I supposed to do, Wade? I can't have another clone. The last one was so stupid, I'm pretty sure he had brain damage.
WADE: Yeah, that was my fault. I didn't really put much effort into his intelligence.
BUSTER 3.0: But that's not happening with me. I'm here to teach you everything you need to know to be a better person. It's going to take some time, but at least you won't be a clown at the end of this.
BUSTER: I'm not a clown!
*deadpan* BUSTER 3.0: Yeah, you're not. Why did I even say that?
SCENE 14
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
That same day, Buster walks into school with his new clone and Wade.
BUSTER: Wade, I don't know about this. What if everybody knows that he's an exact copy of me? Then the government might come and take him away.
WADE: Buster, it's 2019. People only care about something for two minutes. And if anyone does ask any questions outside of the guys, just make up a lie.
BUSTER: Like what? He's a foreign-exchange student from Scandinavia?
WADE: If you think Scandinavia is the best place for your plan, then you can use it.
Buster and Wade walk up to the guys.
BUSTER: Hey guys. I would like to personally introduce you to the guy that will take me to the next level: Buster 3.0. I call him "3.0" because he's way better than the last stupid clone I had.
From the perspective of Sparky, RK, and Jaylynn, nobody is standing next to Buster.
RK: I thought he already had an imaginary friend that I killed.
SPARKY: Maybe this is a brand new one?
JAYLYNN: Buster, honey, we're sorry. We can't see anybody.
BUSTER: Wade, what's going on? How come they're treating me like I need to start taking special classes?
WADE: I guess since he's a manifestation of your mind that I created, he can't interact with anyone else. We're the only ones who can.
BUSTER: Oh, okay. It reminds me of that classic Cartoon Network movie. This kid got hit by a train, and they replaced his brain with the brain of a cartoonist, so all he started seeing in his head were cartoons.
WADE: Did you just call Re-Animated a classic?
BUSTER: Why not? It started a whole new era.
WADE: For some reason, what you just said is the strangest thing about all this.
SCENE 15
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
The kids are drinking milkshakes after school.
JAYLYNN: So this formula Wade gave you created a clone of you?
BUSTER: Yes.
WADE: The difference is, he's a more aggressive Buster. He asserts his dominance, doesn't hesitate to speak freely, and can hold down a conversation with anybody.
SPARKY: Buster, I still don't get it. Why would you want to change yourself?
BUSTER: Because, man, I'm tired of being the weak link. Everybody here knows who they are and what they do. I'm not a leader like you, Sparky. I'm not smart like Wade or witty like RK or street smart like Jaylynn. I don't have anything that makes me special.
JAYLYNN: That's not true. You're in tune with your emotions more than any of us. You care about other people before you care about yourself. You don't have to pretend to be something you're not so people will like you.
BUSTER: Yeah, that's definitely going to help me get a girlfriend and win fights.
RK: Look, Buster, we really weren't trying to hurt your feelings the other day. We just want to see you win in this crazy world.
BUSTER: Well, how can I win if I'm not right within?
RK: Huh. Well, guys, I don't have a response to that. He got me.
BUSTER: Look, guys, this is just part of what I have to do to evolve as a person. If there can be a new Daniel Bryan, why can't there be a new Buster Newman? A new Newman. Wait a second. New man. That's it. From now on, everybody can call me Buster New Man.
SPARKY: Buster New Man?
BUSTER: Yeah. You have to say the whole thing or else you're just going to be calling me Buster all the time. And who wants that?
JAYLYNN: Listen, Buster...
BUSTER: Excuse me, I don't know who this Buster is.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Buster New Man, if you really want to change certain things about yourself, that's cool. But just don't lose anything that makes you who you are.
BUSTER: Ah, Jaylynn. You've always been a good egg.
Buster rubs Jaylynn's head and walks away from the booth.
SPARKY: Wade, are you sure this clone is a good idea?
WADE: Of course, it is. Buster doesn't feel like he's where he should be. If I can help him with his self-esteem, I'll finally have an experiment that goes well.
RK: Yeah, that kid's gonna die.
Wade angrily stares at RK.
SCENE 16
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
At lunch the next day, Buster is walking towards the table with Buster 3.0.
BUSTER 3.0: See, Buster, getting what you want is all in the attitude. If you don't take yourself seriously, no one else will.
BUSTER: Makes sense. But I thought we agreed that you would start calling me Buster New Man.
BUSTER 3.0: No, we agreed that I would kick your ass if you ever came up with a suggestion like that again.
At that point, Manny walks up to Buster.
MANNY: Hey Buster, you finished with that cupcake?
BUSTER 3.0: Ignore him. Dumb kids always wanting handouts.
BUSTER: But I always give Manny my cupcakes.
BUSTER 3.0: And when was the last time you didn't?
BUSTER: That depends. When did the Cubs win the World Series?
BUSTER 3.0: Buster, this is exactly what I'm talking about. People push you around because you let them. If you stop giving Manny inches, he won't even want half a mile.
BUSTER: Sorry, Manny. I can't give you my cupcake.
MANNY: What? Why?
BUSTER: Because it's my cupcake and no means no. Go harass some other kid that's not me.
Manny scratches his head and goes to his table with Will and other kids.
WILL: What happened to your Buster cupcake?
MANNY: He said he can't give it to me. I walked up to him, asked him for his cupcake, and he didn't say yes.
WILL: Everything's gonna be alright.
MANNY: I don't know what life is supposed to be anymore.
SCENE 17
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Buster and Buster 3.0 walk through the halls when they see Sanna and Ashley. Buster begins tugging on his collar out of nervousness.
BUSTER: Man, I don't know if I'm ready. I humiliated myself last time.
BUSTER 3.0: Trust me, you're ready. You just didn't have any confidence last time. You ever heard of the phrase, "Fake it 'til you make it?"
BUSTER: Yeah. Isn't that what the government says when they want to torture terrorists?
BUSTER 3.0: Where do you get your information from? Look, if you fake it until you make it, you just have fake confidence at the beginning. Then as you keep on faking it and faking it, eventually, you have it for real. It's like a sugar pill.
BUSTER: Ugh, formulas, sugar pills. Why do I need all this stuff?
BUSTER 3.0: Because you're a mess without them. Now go over there and fake some charm. Remember what I said and you'll be okay.
Buster 3.0 pushes Buster forward. Buster looks back at Buster 3.0 with disdain and then walks menacingly towards Sanna and Ashley.
BUSTER: Hey guys. Ashley, could I talk to Sanna alone?
ASHLEY: Sure. I'll leave you two lovebirds alone.
SANNA: Shut up.
ASHLEY: I didn't say anything.
Ashley walks away from Sanna.
SANNA: So what are you here for, Buster?
BUSTER: Look, Sanna, I like you a lot. And I don't know if you like me, but I've wanted to go out with you for a long time. How about I treat you to Burger King?
SANNA: I don't know, man. I never looked at you like that. Besides, I don't know if I can do it to Ashley.
BUSTER: Why? We only went out for like, ten minutes. Look, Sanna, maybe we go out and we don't have a good time. But maybe we do. And you won't know that because you were afraid of what might happen. Don't you think it's worth a shot? The same way I think it's worth a shot?
SANNA: Well, it's not like it would be that bad. Okay, it's a date. But I really need to get Ashley's blessing on this.
Sanna walks away from Buster, leaving only him in the shot. She returns a few seconds later.
SANNA: Turns out she doesn't care. Friday night?
BUSTER: That would be great. See you then.
Buster walks away from Sanna and immediately begins hyperventilating.
BUSTER: Ugh, I need some Gatorade.
BUSTER 3.0: What are you so stressed out about? Thanks to me, you got what you wanted.
BUSTER: Yeah, but that took a lot out of me. Can't you get me a bottle of water from thin air or something?
BUSTER 3.0: Buster, I'm a clone of you, I'm not a magician.
BUSTER: Like hell you're not. Buster grabs Buster 3.0 by his collar. YOU'RE GONNA GET ME SOME DAMN WATER FOR MAKING ME GO THROUGH THIS!
Cut to Sanna and Ashley watching Buster scream at apparently nobody.
ASHLEY: I'm not making a judgment either way, but are you sure about this?
SANNA: If it gets weird, I'll pretend I have the flu and go home early.
SCENE 18
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster is checking himself out in the mirror on the night of his date with Sanna.
BUSTER: This is unbelievable. I have a date with Sanna Qureshi. Me. This is what Buster New Man is all about.
BUSTER 3.0: That nickname's never catching on. And stop treating Sanna like she's some kind of prize. She eats, pisses, and shits like everyone else.
BUSTER: Yeah, but she's classy. I bet she has that cleanser from the commercials that can make your toilet water smell like coconut shampoo and shoofly pie.
BUSTER 3.0: Look, Buster, if you're going to become a new you...
BUSTER: Buster New Man, you mean?
BUSTER 3.0: Whatever. If you're going to become a new you, you have to understand the things that girls like and the things they don't like. And there's nothing a girl hates more than some dork drooling all over her.
BUSTER: I'm not a dork!
BUSTER 3.0: Not naming names here, I'm just stating the facts. And it's a fact that Sanna is going to call the date early if you put her on a pedestal. It will be like one of those little league games where a team gets their ass whooped so bad, it's over after four innings.
BUSTER: I don't need the flashback of those games, man.
BUSTER 3.0: Trust me, Buster, you can't go into this date with your old tricks. You have to try something different. Be the guy that Sanna's not expecting.
BUSTER: You mean, like when Daniel Bryan came back from retirement and started using the heel hook?
BUSTER 3.0: That's right. You need to find your heel hook. Do what the old Buster would never do. Once you do, I guarantee you that Sanna will be eating out of the palm of your hand.
BUSTER: That's gross. If she really gets that hungry, she can just order more food. I'm treating anyway.
BUSTER 3.0: Dude, pay attention to what the f*** I'm saying. Don't play with me.
SCENE 19
Burger King
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
Buster and Sanna are laughing as they eat at Burger King.
BUSTER: That's crazy.
SANNA: I know, Ashley blamed me for the whole thing.
BUSTER: Oh, I've been there. Thanks to RK, I ended up getting it from his brother's belt.
SANNA: Damn.
BUSTER: True story, he's a witness.
SANNA: You know, Buster, I don't get it. I always thought you were kinda goofy, but tonight, I'm seeing a whole different side of you. Why's that?
BUSTER: I don't know. Maybe it's because you're shallow?
SANNA: What?
BUSTER: Well, what else could it be? Maybe you just saw what you wanted to see for a long time and once you were exposed to who I really am, you realized I'm more interesting than you thought I was?
SANNA: I'm not shallow. You just never came off like someone I would date.
BUSTER: I think you just have high standards. The minute you realize that not every boy you meet will kneel down and kiss your rings, maybe you'll treat people for who they really are and not what they look like.
BUSTER'S BRAIN (V.O.): Dude, where's all this coming from? Man, it's over. You f***ed it up. You f***ed up the money, bud.
SANNA: Buster, I don't know how to feel about this.
BUSTER: Well, that's just the way I see things.
SANNA: Oh. Well then.
Beat.
SCENE 20
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Cut to Sanna kissing Buster at his condo and then leaving.
SANNA: You should call me sometime. I'd love to hear more from you.
BUSTER: Sure thing. But you know, I might be busy.
SANNA: Oh, I understand. Later.
Sanna has a big smile on her face as she leaves Buster's condo. At that point, Buster 3.0 walks into the room from the kitchen.
BUSTER 3.0: Well, it looks like you had a good night.
BUSTER: You could say that again. I was everything you said I could be. I was cool, I was sophisticated, I knocked Sanna off her pedestal. I even got her number.
BUSTER 3.0: See, what did I tell you? You wanted something, worked hard to get it, and now, you're calling the shots. Everything's in your control.
BUSTER: Amazing. Dude, you have to teach me everything you know. Forget the old me, how do I truly become Buster New Man?
BUSTER 3.0: Oh, I can definitely help you get there.
SCENE 21
("Suckas Need Bodyguards" by Gang Starr plays in the background)
Buster has decided to devote himself to Buster 3.0 in an attempt to become a more confident person. It starts off simply, with Buster refusing to give up his spot in the water fountain line and forcefully moving people out of the way when he needs to get to class. Eventually, Buster begins to morph into Buster 3.0 physically, wearing his clothes and removing the blonde dye from his hair to revert back to his natural brown color. Buster is also spending less time with the guys, only going on more dates with Sanna. At one point, Woody gives them the wrong order at Ike's, resulting in Buster yelling at him and causing a public spectacle. Sanna looks embarrassed as Woody kicks out her and Buster. In another instance, Buster is walking through the neighborhood when he sees the two kids that assaulted him weeks before harassing another kid. Buster is given a golf club by Buster 3.0, puts on sunglasses, and then walks towards the kids with the golf club. To make his presence felt, Buster smashes the mirror of a random car with the club and jumps up in the air to attack both guys while the harassed kid runs away from danger. The same old man from before once again tips his cap to no one and continues walking instead of stopping the assault.
SCENE 22
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Mr. Frax's Classroom
Seattle, Washington
One day in class, Mr. Frax is giving a lecture on the Louisiana Purchase.
MR. FRAX: You could say that Lewis and Clark wouldn't have had a chance of accomplishing what they did without the help of Sacagawea. Buster, I've told you for the hundredth time this week, please take your feet off the desk.
BUSTER: I'll do what I want, Frax. Don't wear out your panties.
MR. FRAX: Excuse me?!
BUSTER: I'm just saying, can't you calm down for once in your life? Your wife and kids must be scared that you're gonna blow your stack at dinner every night and pull out the switch.
MR. FRAX: I'm not married and I don't have children.
BUSTER: Wow. Then you really have nothing to live for.
MR. FRAX: Buster, I am sick and tired of your flagrant attitude problem.
BUSTER: Yeah, and you know what I'm tired of? You and your bitch-ass class.
Beat. Cut to Buster taking his belongings out of his locker. The gang watches him from afar.
JAYLYNN: Buster just got suspended. That doesn't even sound like a real sentence.
SPARKY: I think it's time we have an intervention.
SCENE 23
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Later that day, Buster walks into Sparky's house and sees the guys sitting in a circle.
BUSTER: What's this, some weird game of musical chairs?
SPARKY: Buster, have a seat. We need to talk to you.
Buster takes a seat.
BUSTER: Um, what's going on here?
JAYLYNN: We're all worried about what that clone is doing to you. He's turned you into a psycho.
BUSTER: Come on, Jaylynn, don't you think that's just the liquor talking?
JAYLYNN: Buster, I'm not drunk.
BUSTER: Well, what else could explain why you would say that?
RK: Dude, she's right. I think it's great you're kicking ass and taking names, but it's like I don't know you anymore. You're not the same guy that used to be my roommate.
BUSTER: Of course not. I live by myself now. Therefore, I can't be the same guy.
RK: See, those are the kind of things I don't know how to respond to.
BUSTER: Look, guys, you're my buddies, but I think you're just uncomfortable because I've found a brand new way to live my life. This is who Buster New Man is, and if you can't accept that...
SPARKY: Forget Buster New Man for one damn second. I miss the old Buster. I loved the old Buster, the Buster that was my best friend and actually returned my calls. The Buster that had a heart and soul and cared about other people. I never wanted you to change. You changed because you didn't like who you were, but look at yourself now.
BUSTER: Well, I dress nicer. And I feel better about myself than ever.
SPARKY: Okay, well, let's see. Sanna doesn't want to date you anymore, you just got suspended, you've been kicked out of restaurants, and we're holding an intervention for you. Does any of that sound good to you?
BUSTER: I don't have to agree with you to be happy. Wade, back me up. You said that everything comes down to a science, right? Well, according to science, I'm better off this way.
WADE: Maybe science can make mistakes.
BUSTER: What are you talking about?
WADE: I'm saying that maybe the clone really has been a bad influence on you and maybe I've been coming up with a new formula to reverse his existence.
BUSTER: No! That clone is one of the best things that's ever happened to me and now you're trying to get rid of him?!
JAYLYNN: Buster, this is for your own good. We love you and we don't want anything bad to happen to you.
BUSTER: No, I'm not having it. You're not taking Buster 3.0 away from me! I'm out of here.
Buster tries to leave, but Sparky grabs his arm.
SPARKY: Oh no, you're not. We're not done yet.
BUSTER: Sparky, let me go.
SPARKY: Come on, Buster, let us fix this.
BUSTER: LEAVE ME BE!
Buster punches Sparky in the face, knocking him down to the floor. RK, Wade, and Jaylynn rush to his aid.
JAYLYNN: Yo, what the f***?!
The guys check on Sparky and then angrily stare at Buster. Buster begins stammering and then screams as he runs out of the house. He continues screaming and starts crying as he runs down the block and knocks over a little kid walking with his mother.
MOM: DRUG ADDICT! Oh, Billy, are you okay?
SCENE 24
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster paces back and forth while Buster 3.0 sits on the couch filing his nails.
BUSTER: I really am a psycho. I hit Sparky. I knocked my best friend's lights out and he didn't even do anything.
BUSTER 3.0: Yeah, but it's not like he's dead. He'll get over it.
BUSTER: You don't know that. Besides, God saw the whole thing. There's no way He's going to get over it. You know what? Maybe this was a sign. Maybe I'm going overboard and I need to start toning it down.
BUSTER 3.0: What do you mean?
BUSTER: I mean, maybe I don't have to be so Buster New Man all the time. I'm getting ahead of myself here and if I don't cool it down, something even worse is going to happen.
BUSTER 3.0: Like what?
BUSTER: I could kill Sparky next time! Let's just lay low for a bit before Wade tries getting rid of you.
BUSTER 3.0: Why would Wade get rid of me?
BUSTER: Because he thinks you're a bad influence on me. And if you don't want him to keep thinking that, you have to listen to me about this.
BUSTER 3.0: Look, Buster, what other kids think doesn't matter to me. So what if you make some bad choices along the way? You're way better than you used to be.
BUSTER: Dude, I hit Sparky for no reason. I'm thinking that I need to tone it down.
BUSTER 3.0: I see what's going on here. You're letting your friends get in your head because you don't appreciate what I did for you.
BUSTER: No, I think you just made all that up just now.
BUSTER 3.0: No, don't act like I'm crazy. I turned you from a whiny, soft pushover into someone people can't mess with, and this is the thanks I get?
BUSTER: I love everything you did for me. But I think it's time we slow things down before you get me into real trouble.
BUSTER 3.0: You son of a bitch. Well, if you really think you can handle things without me, maybe I shouldn't be around anymore.
BUSTER: Come on, man, it's not like that.
BUSTER 3.0: Forget it. You're on your own, jackass.
Buster 3.0 tosses the nail file on the floor and leaves the condo.
BUSTER'S BRAIN (V.O.): Your first clone was dumber than a bag of rocks and your second clone is mentally insane. Will your third clone be a serial killer?
BUSTER: Why didn't you stop him when you had the chance?!
SCENE 25
The Newman Condominium
Seattle, Washington
Buster whistles "Can't Stop the Feeling" by Justin Timberlake as he walks downstairs and goes to the kitchen.
BUSTER: Alright, so today, I'm going to apologize to the guys, let them know the clone is someplace where no one can find him, and then everything will go back to normal. I'll just find better ways to change, like shaving my head or meditating with Chinese people.
At that point, Buster gets a phone call and picks up.
BUSTER: Hello?
BUSTER 3.0 (V.O.): Remember me?
BUSTER: Yeah, I remember you. You walked out of my condo last night.
BUSTER 3.0 (V.O.): Glad to know you're up to speed. But I think what you should know is you can't get rid of me. And I have one final task for you to prove yourself.
BUSTER: I'm getting bored.
BUSTER 3.0 (V.O.): I have your friend Wade right where I want him at the Danifer Warehouse. If you're really a new Buster, you'll come here and bring it to me.
BUSTER: Yeah, sure, whatever.
Buster hangs up the phone and then walks towards the front door of the condo.
BUSTER: LPC, I'm going to go kill my evil clone that's holding Wade hostage. Help yourself to whatever's in the fridge.
SCENE 26
Danifer Warehouse
Interior Basement
Seattle, Washington
Wade is tied to a wooden chair while Buster 3.0 circles him.
BUSTER 3.0: You're pathetic, you know that? How are you a scientist and an inventor, but everything you make goes wrong?
WADE: Pretty sure Thomas Edison failed hundreds of times. And what the hell is your problem? Buster idolized you and now, you're coming after me?
BUSTER 3.0: You don't understand that you're just bait. I want Buster to realize that he can't live without me. I'm smarter than him, stronger than him, and better than him.
WADE: Again, I really don't understand your plan.
BUSTER 3.0: I'M KILLING BOTH OF YOU! Do you need me to write down the whole plot on a napkin?
At that point, Buster walks in with a golf club.
BUSTER 3.0: Well, look what the cat brought in.
BUSTER: Don't you ever mention LPC again, he can't even drive. And let Wade go, this is between me and you.
BUSTER 3.0: Oh, you know I can't do that, Buster. See, Wade here created me. He gave me life. I was brought here to kill the same person that created me, because he's an inadequate scientist. And then I'll kill you because why have the old, worn out Buster when you can have the new, fresh one?
BUSTER: Why are you doing this? You never cared about me. You just wanted someone you could control. You're a bully and a monster.
BUSTER 3.0: Oh, please, you weren't worth shit without me. You were just a pushover who let everybody run your life and treat you like shit. Sure, every now and then, you grew some balls and killed some ghost dragons or whatever, but that was the past. For the rest of your life, you're just going to be a worthless pussy with no backbone whatsoever. You don't have the grapes to take me out.
BUSTER: I eat grapes all the time, bitch!
("On Fire" by Eminem plays in the background)
Buster screams and goes after Buster 3.0 with a takedown, resulting in a fight between the two. Wade watches intently as the two engage in a power struggle. Buster 3.0 uses his strength advantage by trying to choke Buster out, but Buster responds by choking him at the exact same time. Buster then picks up Buster 3.0 and slams him on the ground. Buster runs to get the golf club, but Buster 3.0 takes him out at the knees with a baseball bat. Buster 3.0 then tries to hit Buster with the bat some more, but Buster avoids the attack and tosses Buster 3.0 into a nearby trunk. Buster then tries to drive the trunk into Buster 3.0, but he narrowly avoids it by jumping out of the way. Buster 3.0 instead reverses the attack and temporarily incapacitates Buster. He then pulls out a knife and attempts to stab Buster, but Buster avoids it and begins assaulting him with the golf club, forcing Buster 3.0 to relinquish the knife. Buster then rubs his chin and snaps his fingers. He proceeds to lock Buster 3.0 in Daniel Bryan's heel hook, causing Buster 3.0 to scream and tap out repeatedly.
At this point, Buster 3.0 is gasping for air as he tries to get up, but Buster refuses to show any mercy. Buster takes the trunk and rolls it into Buster 3.0's stomach twice, then begins assaulting him with the baseball bat, causing him to bleed profusely from his skull. Buster then inexplicably takes off his sneaker and begins beating an unconscious Buster 3.0 in the head with it, then slaps him around.
WADE: Man, I think he's down for the count.
BUSTER: I don't know that. He needs to die.
WADE: Well, untie me and I can help you with that.
BUSTER: Alright.
(The instrumental to "Execution of a Chump (No More Mr. Nice Guy Pt. 2)" by Gang Starr plays in the background)
Buster unties Wade from his chair, which allows Wade to get up and pull out his new formula, with a skull and crossbones symbol on the front. Wade opens up the lid and pours it all over Buster 3.0's body. Smoke begins to form as Buster 3.0 melts from the formula's effects and turns into a liquid.
BUSTER: What the hell?
WADE: Yeah, it's just highly corrosive acid. I've had it sitting around in the basement for a while, I just thought I should use it.
BUSTER: Oh. Well, I'm glad that's over. I think I learned a lot from all this.
WADE: Never to let me help you with anything ever again?
BUSTER: No, I learned that I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. I have to get it out of my head that I can't get what I want or I can't stand up for myself. I'm through taking everybody's crap.
WADE: So it looks like you really are Buster New Man.
BUSTER: No, you can go back to calling me Buster. The old me's not perfect, but there are a lot of things to like about him. I just hope the guys can forgive me, especially Sparky.
WADE: Don't worry, they will. You could try getting back your blonde hair, though. I don't think the dye job works.
BUSTER: Yes. This is a dye job and not my actual hair color. It absolutely does not work. Let's go get some ice cream, I'm tired.
Buster and Wade leave the warehouse as the "Execution of a Chump" instrumental continues playing in the background. The camera then pans over to the puddle of Buster 3.0, and the episode cuts to black at the same time the instrumental stops playing.
("What's the Difference" by Dr. Dre featuring Xzibit and Eminem plays over the end credits)
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