I have come to realize that I can not change the course of my life no matter what. It will stay there, shrieking and roaring until I finally come to the conclusion that I will not win this battle. I can not win this battle. So many things are out of my grasp, so many things terribly and undeniably wrong. I feel as if I am held by a chain, a chain that will not waver and break, a chain that holds me fast, not letting me come to the aid of those I want to help. He has changed so much! My step dad…I used to be able to proudly call him my father, for he had been around since I was three. I can not remember a time without the wistful snort from that awful man! His green-blue eyes having that smile that none can match. But all I feel and see now, is hatred! The song of the enemy rings loudly in my head, and I respond to his snarls with my own, feeling the need to be in command of my own life. But to no avail! He and mother are slowly destroying the fiber of their being. Is there anybody out there that can help me? No! My grandma tries, and Brandon, oh Brandon! The devil himself I could almost swear. He is a greedy, lying, drug dealing bastard! I'm wasting away. I give up. Now I sit and I can feel the hot rush of tears in my eyes. They warm gradually. I think the kitten, well hardly a kitten anymore, Misu has sensed my distress for she rubs against me, offering some sort of comfort from her soft fur. What I would do to wrap my Momma Smokey in my arms, and cry into her own fur. She painted a picture for me that I did not understand at the time. She had hated our dog so much…that she had left me. She also hated my step dad with a burning passion, a long with everyone else but myself in the house. That cat was my guardian…almost like a mom to me. But she had foretold the horror the dog would bring! The dog had rocked the very foundation of the family and was destroying mom and dad's love life. But that was only the beginning which again, I believe my Momma Smokey sensed. Sensed so acutely…she just knew that everything would explode. She was smart and left and was positively glad to leave. I know she still loved me and she still would of loved to be by my side, but she could not take the house anymore. My Momma Smokey was her own cat. I will always honor and respect her. But back to why I am even writing this out…dad has betrayed everything I thought he believed in. He drinks, smokes weed, smokes cigarettes, and takes pills! Blasted Brandon! Bastard! Idiot! Liar! Thief! Such a persuasive man he is. I feel so bad though…not for that idiot, but for my mom and my youngest sister. Today was her birthday and all she was greeted with was crying and screaming. But I suppose it was no surprise. Me and Dad are always yelling at each other, again, answering one snarl with another. The world has seemed to fall on me.
And no one seems to care about us, only about themselves.
In return, why should I care anymore?
I give up.