(The cadets sit around a rectangle table, while Levi and Hanji stand at the head of the table.)
Levi: For crying out loud! Do none of you brats know how to kill a stupid titan?! Do I have to do every f*cking thing myself?! (deep, snarled sigh) The ratio of titan kills to people lost was horrible this month! Thus, I am going to have to have four-eyes reteach you all how the f*ck titans work.
Mikasa: But, sir..!
Levi: I understand you still killed more titans than any other cadet, Ackerman, but that does not excuse your slacking this month.
Mikasa: (Grumbles under her breath)
(Jean and Armin know better than to interrupt him.)
Eren: What about me Corporal? (puppy dog face) I did good right?!
Levi: (ticked off, with a face like he shouldn't have to explain this) Are you sh*tting me, Yeager? We have no way to count the number of titans you disseminate, as you yourself can't even remember, when you go f*cking ballistic. And you're absolutely useless in human form, always making us cover for your sorry *ss! So no, Yeager, you didn't do good!
Eren: (Scaredly whimpers)
(Levi glares at everyone, then leaves with Hanji still standing at the head of the table.)
Hanji: AHAHAHAHA! You know what that means don't you?! I'm in charge and you all have to listen to me!
Armin: Squad Leader Hanji, please calm down! I know the Captain left you in charge, but you shouldn't let that go to your head.
Hanji: Your right Armin... I should let this go to my heart! This means he trusts me~!
Jean: (mutters under breath) Or just wants to see us suffer...
(Eren or Armin (or both) kick Jean under the table causing him to yell.)
Hanji: Hmph. Either way, you all get to learn about titans today!
Armin: But, Squad Leader Hanji, we already know about titans.
Jean: Not according to the corporal...
Eren: Can I leave already?
Hanji: Do titans eat spaghetti?
Eren: ...Yes..?
Jean: Do you know how to spell spaghetti?
Eren: I do!
Hanji: No don't, and no, you can't leave Eren.
Mikasa: If I spell spaghetti right, can Eren and I leave?
Hanji: Nope! You all have to suffer!
Jean: (grumbles under breathe) So you admit we're suffering.
(Hanji glares at Jean)
Armin: Now, guys, let's just use this opportunity to improve ourselves.
Hanji: Yes, now all of you pull out the whiteboards under your seats.
Eren & Jean: (excitement and mild agitation respectively) We get whiteboards?
Hanji: Yes, I'm going to ask questions, and you all have to answer on the whiteboards!
Jean: What do we get if we answer the question right?
(Everyone draws what they want on the whiteboard.)
Eren: Prizes!
Hanji: Well, I don't have anything prepared...
(Everyone turns their whiteboards around as they speak.)
Armin: (drawing of book stack) How about a book? This is supposed to be a Book Club meeting...
Mikasa: (eyes sparkle, cartoon drawing of Eren) A book about Eren?
Jean: The hell would I want with a book about Eren?
Hanji: How about whoever gets ten questions right first, gets to leave first...
Armin: That's fair.
Eren: Now I gotta win!
Jean: Not if I have anything to say about it.
Hanji: (enthusiastically) Okay, let's start with an easy one! What is a titan?
(Eren and Jean frantically draw on their whiteboards, while looking up to glare at each other. Armin and Mikasa take their time.)
Hanji: (excited) Let's go around the table then. (more casually repeats question) What is a titan?
(Everyone turns around their whiteboards as they answer.)
Eren: (giant text rant crammed onto a tiny whiteboard) A thing I am going to massacre! Titans are horrible killing machines! And I'm going to kill every last one of them, myself, if I have to! Etc.
Jean: (mocking drawing of Eren's face) Eren.
Mikasa: (cartoony titan) Eren.
Armin: (Titan vs human chart) Large humanoid creatures that lack intelligence, reproductive organs, and like to kill people.
Hanji: Although all of you are technically correct, I'm going to have to give the point only to Armin.
(Mild complaining from Eren and Jean.)
Hanji: Second question, what do titans eat?
Eren: (horrible drawing of a woman) Too many people!
Jean: (stick figure) Humans?
Mikasa: (cartoony face) Not Eren.
Armin: (drawing of anatomy of titan) They don't actually eat anything. Though they may kill humans, they don't actually digest them. It is not known if where they actually get their energy from.
Hanji: A little more detail than required, but yes! It was a trick question, Armin is right! Okay, where is a titan's weakness?
Eren: (messy) Neck.
Jean: (simple drawing, points to himself) Neck.
Mikasa: (cartoony with arrow) Back of the neck.
Armin: (straight from a textbook picture) The nape of their neck. To kill them you want to, preferably, make two large, deep cuts to where the cervical spine bones would lie on a normal human being.
Hanji: I'm impressed, you all got that right! Then again, maybe it was too easy of a question... Why don't we double the difficulty and the number of points?
(Murmurs and banter)
Hanji: (totally passionate) How many teeth do titans typically have?
Eren: (Messy drawing of titan mouth) A lot.
Jean: (stick figure of titan eating Eren) The normal amount?
Mikasa: (More cartoony drawing of Eren) As many as Eren.
Armin: (Textbook pic of mouth) 32?
Hanji: Armin is the only one with a realistic answer, so Armin gets two points. Next, what do titans have in the space where humans would have reproductive organs?
Eren: (messy drawing of a titan crotch) Smoothness.
Jean: (simple drawing of Hanji dissecting a titan) Nothing? How would you even know this stuff unless you cut one ope-?
Mikasa: (interrupts Jean, drawing of a knife and blood) Sliceable flesh.
Armin: (textbook anatomy drawing) They simply lack them. Where humans would have them, they are simply missing.
Hanji: Two points to Armin, because the rest of you are ridiculous. Let's turn up the difficulty some more!
(Groaning and complaining. "Why?" "It was difficult already!")
Hanji: On average, how many humans does one titan 'consume' before they regurgitate them all?
Eren: (angry, ranting mode initiate) Too many! (rants)
Jean: (cuts Eren off, drawing of Marco, slightly sad and ticked off) Why would we ever need to know this?
Mikasa: (pile of mush) Uncountable, they all mush together.
Armin: (human test book pic) Umm, ten? I don't usually look.
Hanji: Wow. Not even Armin? Maybe that was too difficult... Hmm, what's an easier one..? What's an appropriate titan question?
(Everyone scribbles on their boards, while Hanji puts her back to them, not paying much attention. As Hanji turns back around, everyone starts saying their answers.)
Eren: (messy drawing of titan Eren punching other titans) How many titans will I kill?
Jean: (simple drawing of Mikasa) If I kill enough titans, will Mikasa look at me differently?
Mikasa: (cartoony pic of Eren) Eren.
Armin: (Height chart of titan vs normal human) How tall are titans usually?
Hanji: That wasn't an actual question, guys. Also, other than Armin, you guys are very bad at this. Jean's is irrelevant. Mikasa's isn't even a question. And Eren, do you even have a right answer for that?
Eren: The right answer, is the highest number!
Hanji: (sighs) Armin, you get three points for the sheer stupidity of the others.
Armin: But, Squad Leader, that means I win. That means I have ten points.
Hanji: It does? You know what, I'm done with you guys anyway. Whelp, I guess Armin wins!
Armin: Yay! Now can we have regular Book Club?
(The End.)
*Hello, Zula Puzzle here! I offered to write some scripts for my friend's YouTube series called Armin's Book Club, and that's what this is. I'm testing out which ones people like the most, so any feedback is appreciated! If one script gets a lot of attention, you may see it acted out on my friends channel, The Awesome Game Box!*