Standard disclaimer applies.
All right. Saiyuki story four. We'll see how this one works out. Won't be able to update as frequently as I did the others, but here is chapter one! As usual, I start you with humor. We'll see how it progresses from there...;) Genre is subject to change. And, as usual, there is no shounen-ai or yaoi in this fic. Sorry, shounen-ai lovers:)
Review and I will love you forever. Please!!! (huge puppy eyes)
It had been a long day. In fact, it had been a hell of a long day. Gojyo stared morosely into the distance from his side of Jeep. Damn. Nothing had happened all day. Nothing. No youkai. No random humans with issues. No Jeep problems. No weird people from Hakkai's or Sanzo's past showing up. Kougaji and crew hadn't shown. Everything was fucking normal.
It was a pain in the ass.
Why did it have to be normal today? Everything was such a fucking routine. They had left the hotel early. As usual. Hadn't stopped for lunch, just kept driving. As usual. He and Goku had had their usual fights, Hakkai had made his usual snide remarks, and Sanzo had fired the gun twice and beaten them both with the fan four times. Gojyo sighed in frustration. Nothing was going on. He glanced towards the horizon. The sun had almost set.
If nothing was going to happen today, they would definitely get to an inn before the sun set. That was what normally happened. Just a few more minutes…and…there.
It was a town. He could see it from here. A walled town. That was unusual. Gojyo smiled slightly, ignoring Goku's sudden cries of hunger, Sanzo's subsequent thwacks and growls, and Hakkai's chuckling. A walled town meant there was something in it worth protecting. Maybe beautiful women…? Maybe the entire town was full of gorgeous virgins just waiting to get laid by a demon-slayer. Dozens of gorgeous virgins. Maybe even a hundred. Or two hundred. Maybe this town had a special house for them or something. He could get in, somehow, and maybe tell them great stories…and they would be all over him…no, he wasn't going to rape them! Where the hell had that thought come from!?! He didn't rape women! Holy gods, why was his conscience suddenly butting its head in?
A tug on his hair distracted his attention. Gojyo slapped the hand away and stared at the source of the tug. Damn monkey. He had ruined the fucking moment!
"What the hell do you want?" He growled, glaring.
Goku pouted. "You're being really quiet, Gojyo." He looked at him closely, tilting his head. "It's weird."
Gojyo smirked. "Maybe I'm quiet because I'm thinking. Ever thought of that, kid, or is it too hard a task for your tiny brain?"
"My brain's not tiny!" Goku yelled, shoving himself closer to Gojyo with a scowl. "It's just as big as yours! Maybe even bigger!"
"Like hell it is, saru." Gojyo smirked even more. As normal as fighting with the monkey was, it at least passed the time until the got to the town. He glanced up. Which should be any minute now, judging by the sudden looming of the gate.
"I'M NOT A MONKEY!"
"SHUT UP!" Sanzo screamed, beating them both with the fan. Gojyo yelped his usual protests under the usual blows and sighed inwardly. There had better be something good in this next town…he slipped into another daydream about lovely, needy virgins. He could picture them now…on their knees…
"Eh, I'm sorry?"
Gojyo's head snapped up. Who was Hakkai talking to? He glanced up to see Hakkai leaning out of Jeep's side to face a man in the gatepost. The gatekeeper looked like an asshole. A tired asshole, at that.
"Listen, man. I already told you. If you want to get in, you each have to take a test."
"Shut the fuck up…" Sanzo began to mutter from beside Hakkai. The asshole in the booth looked sharply over at him. Gojyo saw Hakkai chuckle to cover Sanzo.
"Excuse my companion, please. He's a bit…under the weather."
The man growled. "If you want to get in, take the fucking test. Otherwise, get the hell away from this town."
"Hakkai, let's go." Sanzo growled. "We'll find another town."
Hakkai sighed. "According to the map, this is the last town for another two days."
"Big deal. We can camp."
"We don't have much food…"
"I'm HUNGRY!" Goku began to whine from next to Gojyo. "I'm REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY…"
"SHUT UP!" Sanzo screamed again. The man in the booth glared.
"Make up your minds! I'm ready to close the gate!"
"We'll take the test." Hakkai said quickly before any of the other three could say anything. Sanzo glared at him.
"Who the hell are you to say we'll take the damn test?"
Hakkai lowered his voice and turned to Sanzo, ignoring the dirty look the man in the booth gave him. "Sanzo, this is really the only town. And Goku is hungry. The test can't be that bad, can it?"
"Don't want to be fucking tested…"
"You too perfect for it, Sanzo-sama?" Gojyo interjected with a smug look.
"Shut the fuck up, ass for brains!"
"That's it." The man in the booth snapped. "You get in here and take the test—one at a time—or I close the gate."
Hakkai got out of Jeep. "Get out please, everyone."
Grumbling, they all got out. As usual. Even Sanzo. Hakkai glanced at the man.
"Can I go first?"
"All at once." The man gestured to a door behind the booth. "Come on."
"What about the jeep?" Hakkai asked, looking back at Jeep. The man snorted.
"You can get it when you're done." He glared at his watch. "Come on, I want to get out of here!"
Hakkai sighed and passed his hand over Jeep, then went inside. Goku followed him. Sanzo stayed outside with Gojyo. The kappa smiled and bowed, waving his hand.
"After you, your holiness."
"Get the hell out of my face, asshole!"
"Get in here!" The gatekeeper yelled. Growling, Sanzo went in, Gojyo following. Inside were several doors. Hakkai and Goku were nowhere in sight; Gojyo could only assume that they had been taken into one of the other rooms. The gatekeeper directed Sanzo into one room, then Gojyo into another.
Entering the room, he could see only a chair and a table with a piece of paper and a pen on it. He turned around to ask the gatekeeper what it was, but the door had already shut. Muttering, he sat down in the chair and looked down at the paper.
PSYCHIATRIC EXAMINATION
What the bloody hell was this? Gojyo skimmed the questions. Fucking questions…there were like a hundred! And there were at least three pages of paper here! It had looked like one page…that would have been fine…but three fucking pages? What the bloody hell? Gojyo growled at the paper. Fine, he would fill the fucking thing out. Damn the bloody stupid town. He smiled to himself. He'd show them who need a stupid examination!
He read the first question.
1. Are you happy?
a. Yes.
b. No.
c. Most of the time.
d. A little bit.
Of course it was "a"! Gojyo circled it with a vicious sweep of the black pen, and went on to question two.
2. How often do you have sex?
a. Frequently
b. Never
c. Sometimes
d. One time.
"A" again! Gojyo grinned and began to go through the questions at top speed. When he was finished, he opened the door. Hakkai, Goku, and the stupid monk were outside with the asshole of a gatekeeper. The gatekeeper glared at him.
"You done?"
"Yeah." Gojyo handed him the test. Grumbling, the gatekeeper took it into another room and shut the door. Gojyo slouched against the wall and began to roll a cigarette. Gods, that man was bitchy!
"What the hell is with that damn test?" He said to no one in particular. Hakkai shrugged gracefully, apparently nonchalant, but Gojyo could detect a small twitch in the man's façade.
"It was rather odd."
"'Odd' my ass! It was fucking weird!"
"Yeah, it was!" Goku piped up. "They asked me if I had had sex before!" He stared at Sanzo. "What's sex?"
"Ah, ha ha." Hakkai chuckled. Gojyo smirked at the monk. Sanzo's mouth worked for a second, and then he snarled at the brat.
"Sex? You idiot, it's whether you're a boy or a girl. That's what sex is, baka saru!"
Goku blinked. "But then why did it ask me how many times?" He scratched his head. "I can't be a guy more than one time, can I?"
Gojyo spit out his cigarette and doubled over laughing. Holy hell, the monkey was fucking hilarious! A guy more than one time…what was the brat picturing… Wheezing, he looked at the monk. The bastard was turning purple! This was too perfect! Hakkai looked as if he were trying to hide a smile. The youkai should be enjoying it too.
The monk forcibly took control of himself and glared at the monkey. "The question was flawed."
The brat blinked again. "Really?"
"Yes, really. Now shut up! You're giving me another damn headache!"
"But…"
"Shut up!"
The monkey quieted, mumbling something to himself about sex and how he didn't understand and how it didn't make sense that somebody could be a boy lots of times. Gojyo grinned. This was priceless.
"Do you have a problem, dickhead?" Sanzo growled in his direction. Gojyo shook his head innocently.
"No problem at all, Sanzo-sama."
"Good."
The asshole came out of the back room, holding a piece of paper in his hand. His expression was…weird. Gojyo stared at him. What was with the guy? He looked…concerned?
"Excuse me."
"Yes?" Hakkai replied, smiling at him. The man swallowed.
"Your results were found to be dissatisfactory."
"Hn?" Sanzo growled. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
Silently, the man handed them the paper. Hakkai took it and the three bent over it.
TEST RESULTS
GOKU: hyperphagia, claustrophobia, disassociative identity disorder
GOJYO: paranoid personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder
HAKKAI: clinical depression, paranoid personality disorder, schizoid personality disorder, schizotypal disorder, antisocial, psychopathic
SANZO: clinical depression, paranoid personality disorder, schizoid personality disorder, schizotypal disorder, antisocial, psychopathic
It was the monk who spoke first.
"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS THIS?" He glared at the gatekeeper, fists clenched. "THIS IS THE MOST FUCKING STUPID THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE!!!"
The gatekeeper backed away, holding his hands up protectively. "I can't help the results, sir…"
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT!"
"Now, now, Sanzo." Hakkai said, his voice cool. "That's enough." He looked at the gatekeeper. Gojyo felt a chill go down his spine. Hakkai had his creepy smile on. "I'm sure there was just a mistake."
"No mistake." The gatekeeper said flatly, his eyes darting from Hakkai to Sanzo as he continued to back away towards the door. "It's correct."
Goku's forehead furrowed. "But I don't even know what this means!"
"It's shit, Goku." Gojyo growled. "That's all you need to know." He glared at the man.
Hakkai sighed and put his hand up to his head in his usual puzzled motion. "Eh, could we get into town now?"
"Just a minute." The gatekeeper said. "Let me call the inn and tell them you're coming." He darted into one of the rooms. The four stared after him.
"What the hell was that all about?" Gojyo demanded, pacing back and forth. "What the fuck was the use of that damn test?"
Hakkai's forehead wrinkled. "I don't know. It was rather odd."
Goku sniffed. "I smell something." His eyes crossed. "It smells funny."
Gojyo sniffed. The monkey was right. It did smell funny. What the…bloody…hell…
Everything went black.