a.n. So this is set right at the beginning of Rise.
Disclaimer: Ha! Nope.
xxxx
Talking is Hard…
For two months she had been sequestered in her dad's cabin in the woods. For two months she had ignored the people she loved and cared about. For two months she had hid away from the world.
Who could blame her, really? She had been shot in the chest. She had almost died. And then he had professed his love for her. How could he do that? How could he do that when she couldn't say it back? So she had lied and ran away.
The last two months had been pure hell. Not because of the recovery, but because of the heartbreak. She knew without a doubt that what she was doing was going to drive him out of her life for good. Why would he take her back now? She had run away, told him she would call, and she hadn't. He had told her he loved her and she had lied to his face. He probably thought she didn't love him back.
He was wrong. She did love him. She was just scared.
xxxx
She knew she had to talk to him. She knew she had to tell him the truth. It took her an entire month to gather up the courage, and even then she needed to find an excuse to go see him. He had the files, the files on her shooting, on her mom's case.
Finding him at a book signing seemed apropos, given how they first met. She waited in line for over an hour until she finally found herself in front of the love of her life.
"Kate. You can make it out to Kate."
xxxx
He had walked away from her. Really she didn't blame him at all. She would have walked away too. Three months she had left him behind. They had been a hard three months for her, but they had been for him too. Now she feared that her silence had caused her to lose everything.
As she made her way back into her empty apartment, she thought what have I done?
xxxx
She decided that she wasn't quite ready to go back to work, so she called Gates and told her she was going to take the rest of her leave. She didn't know if she could do her job without him beside her every day. After ending the call, she flopped back down on her couch and sighed deeply. She'd been crying for the last three hours since arriving back at her apartment, and she didn't know if she'd ever stop shedding tears again.
How do I fix this?
xxxx
Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. Getting up slowly as quick movement still pulled at her scars, she made her way to the door. Without checking the peephole, she pulled the door open a crack and stood there stunned by the man on the other side.
xxxx
"Castle? What are you doing here?"
"Kate. We need to talk. Can I come in?"
She stood aside, opening the door wider so he could enter her home. She watched as he made his way to the living room, took off his jacket and sat down on the couch. She studied him as she walked to sit beside him. He looked tired, and his eyes were dull and lifeless, almost as if they hadn't seen joy in three months. Thinking this, she realized he probably hadn't.
xxxx
She sat down beside him and they stayed silent for what had to be ten minutes, both of them simply looking at the other every now and then.
Castle finally broke the silence.
"Talking is hard."
The words were so unexpected, said so matter of factly that a laugh burst from her before she could stop it.
Looking at her with a smirk on his face, he said, "What? It is. For both of us. If talking weren't so damn hard for us, things would have been different a year ago. Demming wouldn't have happened. Gina wouldn't have happened."
She held her breath. They never talked about these things. They were better at avoiding the important topics through using subtext and innuendo. But that had gotten them into so much trouble. Not talking had led to three months of silence on her end, and three months in The Hamptons without a call on his. Maybe it was time for them to talk.
"So," he continued, oblivious to her internal dialogue. "I'm going to say some things. You are going to listen. When I'm done, you can say some things, and I will listen. No anger, no walking out and never seeing each other again, no innuendo or subtext, and no interrupting. You'll get your chance. Honest to God talking. That okay?"
She nodded.
"So. The first thing I should say is that I'm sorry. I shouldn't have walked away from you earlier today. I was so angry with you. No scratch that, I am so angry with you. I didn't need to be by your side these last three months, but I did need to know that you were okay. I saw you die in that ambulance, Kate, and it was the hardest thing I ever had to watch. I felt like it was my fault that you were shot and that you were going to die because of me. I knew that if you died, my life was forfeit because I don't want to live in a world where you aren't alive." He took a breath, obviously trying to mask his emotions.
She sat there enraptured by his words. His fault? How could it have been his fault? But she didn't interrupt. She kept listening, needing to know what he had been through because of her. She deserved to know how much pain, how much damage, she had caused.
"So I am mad at you. But I shouldn't have walked away. There has been too much of that," he said, giving her a look. "Second, I want to talk about that day in the hospital that you sent me packing."
Again she held her breath. Did he know?
"I know you lied to me, Kate. I know you remember your shooting. I have to admit that it hurt when you lied to my face about that. Of all the things you could lie about, that one stung the most. And after three months of silence on your part, the lie hurts all the more. But, I think it's my fault. I shouldn't have said what I said when I said it," he said, trying to hide his distaste at the poor choice of words. "You were dying. In unbelievable amounts of pain, and I, your humble servant, decided that that was the best time to profess my undying love for you.
"I'm an idiot Kate. You should have known my feelings for you a long time ago. Instead I chose the worst possible time. A time where you couldn't say anything back to me. But I was scared. I thought you were dying. I wanted you to know how I felt; how I feel. So, I'm sorry for my bad timing. But you should know that I meant it then, and I mean it now, I love you.
"I'm not going to ask you to do anything about it now. But you should know that what I feel hasn't changed." He took another deep breath, running his hands through his hair and looking away from her. She sat there shocked at how this had played out. He still loved her? After what she had done to him? How was that possible?
"There's one last thing you should know, and you probably already know it. I've been investigating your shooting. I got kicked out of the precinct but I kept going, and I plan to keep going until we catch the bastard. I'm going to need your help, but we have to do it smart. I thought about doing it on my own. Trying to keep you away from it, just to keep you safe, but I don't think it will work for two reasons. First I already did this behind your back once, and it almost ended our partnership. I don't want that to happen again.
"Second, you deserve to be a part of finding the answers to your mom's murder and your shooting. But Kate, we have to do this smart. No rabbit holes, no running at them head on. They will kill you, and I cannot, I will not, watch you die. If you get too entrenched in this investigation, and you start doing things that put your life at risk, I'm done. I'll walk away and you will never see me again."
Kate swiped the tears away from her cheeks, trying to come to terms with the boatload of words he had thrown at her. She didn't know if she was ready to respond to any of it. She didn't know if she could handle his response if she didn't.
"Now, it's your turn," he said, turning on the couch so he was fully facing her.
She sighed, knowing that this might be her last chance to say anything to him. "Talking is harder for me than it is for you," she started, turning on the couch herself, he knees pressing against his leg. She reached over and took his hand then intertwined their fingers and rested their hands on her lap. She started to draw circles on his hand with her thumb while she thought about what she had to say.
"I'm sorry," she started. "I'm sorry for running away from you for three months and not calling. I know the apology doesn't make it any better, but it's all I can do. I should have called. I wanted to call. But I didn't want to drag you down with me. After the shooting I was so paranoid. I thought that after I got out of the hospital I would be dead in a matter of days. I didn't want to see you take a bullet for me, as you tried to do in that cemetery. I couldn't live with myself if you died trying to save me. I'm not worth it."
She took another breath and continued, "And I'm sorry for lying to you. I should have told you the truth from the beginning. I should have never been with Josh to begin with. I've loved you for a long time now, and I love you still. But you're right. The bullet changed everything and I freaked out. I couldn't handle it, and I couldn't let me ruin any chance we might have had by jumping into a relationship with you. So I ran and I'm sorry. But you need to know that I do love you. So much it scares me, in fact.
"We have to…" she faltered for a minute, knowing that what she was about to say was perhaps her biggest decision, and the one that would most likely shock him the most. "We have to put the case on the back burner for now, Rick. We can't investigate. Neither of us. I know that that sounds weird coming from me, but I made a promise to my father. I told him I would try to let it go. Gates has already shut down the investigation, so it's just a matter of us letting it go. At least for now. If it comes back to us, then we'll see, but for now, we need to let it go.
"You were right that night in my apartment; about everything. I was hiding in nowhere relationships with men I never loved. I was hiding from you. And you were right about the case too. They are going to kill me if I don't let it go, or worse they'll kill you. I can't let either happen. I have too much to live for, and so do you. My mom would understand. She'd want me to be happy. And you make me happy."
They sat there in silence for several minutes, both simply staring into each other's eyes, tears running down both of their cheeks. Kate gave Castle's hand a squeeze and said after a few minutes, "Wow. Did we just…"
"Yeah. We talked."
"And I didn't even shoot you after," she joked, trying to lighten the mood.
"Yet."
She giggled, which caused a blush to rise on her cheeks. Kate Beckett didn't giggle.
"So what now?" Castle asked.
She smiled. "Well you could kiss me?"
They didn't talk for the rest of the evening.
xxxx
a.n.2. I know, pie in the sky, right? Leave a review at let me know what you think!