Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Intent or anything related to it. IT'S NOT FAIR! :-(
Summary: Story's set after Amends. It's gonna be a little... experiment with trying to hook up Bobby and Alex privately. Oh, and I brought Barek back and hooked her up with Logan. *coughs* From all other female detective's in CI I liked her best (besides Alex of course. ;-))
English's NOT my native language (that's German), but since I want to improve my written English I must practice it, right? So please bear with me. I try my best here. :-)
So let's go.
CHAPTER ONE ~ REVELATION
Detective Alexandra Eames shoved away the reports she was trying to read and covered her face with her hands. For a few moments she just sat there, slumped over the desk, elbows resting on the desktop. She was so tired she could fall asleep right on the spot. Dull throbs pulsed behind her eyes, the first signs of a nasty headache on the way. After a minute or two she rubbed her eyes, straightened up again and looked around in the squad room. She shook her head, amazed that everything appeared so normal, as if nothing had happened.
The desks of her colleagues were scattered about the room like leaves being blown apart by the wind. Files and folders, coffee mugs and food containers, photos of family piled up on the steel blue metal just like on hers. The only difference was that hers lacked food containers. Alex didn't have a lot of appetite lately.
All offices of the Major Case Squad were painted in a steely hue somewhere between blue and grey, the paint already crumbling away at some spots and the floors covered with old, cracked linoleum. Together with the neon lights it made one feel as if one was sitting in an aquarium or under a UV-lamp. The responsive city officials obviously didn't care much about spending money to renew the administrative structure – not only Major Case's but that of all authorities in the city - and rather let it slowly crumble into nothing. But Eames didn't complain, it was familiar to her. On the contrary, she found it oddly cozy. Sheesh, what's wrong with you? she wondered when she caught herself thinking that.
The faint aromas of bitter coffee, cigarette smoke, body odors, vomit and the stale odor of a place that had been neglected for too long and already witnessed too much evil created a familiar but not exactly pleasant olfactory symphony. She couldn't remember when she'd last noticed it so intense.
The voices of her colleagues, clicking of keyboards, shrill rings of phones and gurgling of two coffee machines in the back corner of the squad room molded into the familiar cacophony that usually had a calming, relaxing effect on her. Not today however.
The names Kevin Quinn, Ray Delgado, Manny Beltran and Joseph Dutton were spooking through her mind, keeping her away from the calming routine of reading and writing reports before going out on the streets following leads.
Things had appeared very simple.
Nine years ago Joe and Kevin had worked undercover for Narcotics in Ray Delgado's drug business. Joe's cover blew up and Delgado himself executed him. Kevin saw it and testified in Delgado's trial, which brought Delgado behind bars. Nine years later Kevin was shot under dubious circumstances while participating in a similar job. Delgado then ordered his murder and that of a former follower of his. He wanted to take revenge because they testified again at a hearing of the board of probation. This prevented Delgado's early release from Sing Sing for being an exemplary inmate.
Every part of the sickening puzzle fit perfectly together. Alex, blinded by her hatred against Delgado for killing her beloved Joe and wanting nothing more than see for it that he rotted behind bars for it, lost sight of the fact that perfection wasn't part of the job. Things were never as easy and obvious as they seemed especially not when one dealt with criminals.{i}As I wanted them to be,{/i} she admitted to herself.
A thud followed by a loud curse snapped her back to reality and made her jump.
"Good heavens!" She gasped and pressed her hand on her chest, feeling her heart pound against her ribs.
A thick folder had fallen off Detective Carolyn Barek's desk and its content scattered around it. Now she was on her knees, cursing under her breath and picking up the mess, sheets and photographs.
When she turned back to her paperwork her gaze fell on Bobby. He was still in Captain Ross' office and through its glass walls she observed them. Bobby sat with his back to her but she could see Ross' face, the familiar sphinx-like expression. She frowned when she noticed how stiff her partner was. He barely gesticulated like he usually did, but sat like frozen in the chair before Ross' desk. He'd gone to Ross with the final reports of the Quinn investigation they'd finished today. It had taken them some time because they had a heavy case load. What keeps him so long? She saw Bobby give something to Ross. She narrowed her eyes. Is that an envelope?
The next moment Ross' features… derailed. That was the only adequate description that came to her mind for his facial expression. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped. Alex wondered what Bobby had told him to provoke this reaction so unusual for him. She'd ask him when he returned. Over the following conversation Ross' features seemed like a kaleidoscope of emotions – surprise, sadness, disappointment, wonder; it was fascinating - before it turned into a commiserative expression when Bobby rose. They exchanged a few more words before they shook hands and Bobby came out.
Today he wore an anthracite colored suit, a plain white shirt and a dark red black striped tie. The jacket hung over the back rest of his chair. It fit him very well, accentuated his tall, stocky form. Five o'clock shadow darkened his tired features. Deep wrinkles had dug into his forehead and the corners of his mouth and dark shadows lay under his dark eyes. His graying hair made him look older than forty - one. He obviously hadn't gotten much sleep recently. Not only you, she thought and suppressed a yawn.
When he turned to her after closing the door he froze and his eyes widened when he met her gaze. He quickly dropped his before approaching her. He cleared his throat.
"I'll call it a day. See you tomorrow," he said, barely looking at her. He grabbed his jacket and put it on with jerky motions. It seemed as if he couldn't wait to get away.
From me? "What's wrong, Bobby?"
"What do you mean?"
He's evasive. Why? "I'm not blind, Goren. Ross' features derailed! I even saw it from here. What were you talking about?"
"Personal issues." He gave her a blank look.
"What-"
"See you tomorrow, Alex."
With a brusque movement he turned away and approached the elevators with determined steps.
Her heart cramped. She didn't understand why he brushed her off so easily. What personal issues? Why wouldn't he tell me? Usually they talked about things that bothered each other. Obviously that was over… and the Quinn case was the reason. The murder of Kevin had resurrected memories of the toughest time of her life: the murder of her beloved husband Joe nine years ago. Kevin had been his partner and best friend back then and so also a close friend of hers. It wasn't easy to deal with the loss and remain professional at the same time. She'd failed and she knew it. She should have listened to both Bobby and Ross who urged her to stop working on the case. Both agreed that she was too involved in it to keep the objectivity and emotional distance their work demanded. She knew all involved in it and had an obvious hatred on one of them that biased her.
Since the investigation began their relationship was strained. It had returned to the level of the first weeks of their partnership, no, even lower: strictly professional and suspiciously observing each other. The closeness and friendship that had developed over the past seven years seemingly had vanished and it hurt badly. Too often during the last few weeks after the end of the official investigation she wished that it had never happened, that they could just go back to what they shared before. But that was a childish wish. It would never again be like before between them. She was well aware that her plight was to a great part due to her refusal to see the truth that jumped her right in the face and for fighting everyone who tried to change her mind vigorously. Have I lost Bobby over it? She shuddered. The thought scared her. But… seven years? A friendship and professional partnership developing over such a long time, only lost because of… that? She couldn't believe that either.
Trying to focus on the paperwork proved futile because again and again the little scene with Bobby repeated itself before her inner eye. How stiff and uncomfortable he appeared in Ross' office and even more when he came back; him avoiding eye contact with her and only his voice. Normally it was deep and clear, a naturally smooth and calm tune but more alive and melodic than it had been a few minutes before. She remembered how he flinched when he noticed that she looked at him, waiting for him to talk to her. He tried to suppress it but she saw it nevertheless. She imagined his nervous motion when he grabbed his jacket, the brusque breaking of contact before he left. He avoided her, didn't want to lie her in the face. He feels guilty... and doesn't want to tell me why.
She shoved the files away from her, rose and approached Ross' office. Her stomach churned and her mouth turned dry. Her heart beat faster and sweat moistened her palms. She wiped them on her dark pants. She urgently wanted to find out what was going on, but also was scared of what she might find out. Before she could change her mind she rapped on the door and waited until Ross called her in. The silence in the office felt absolute after she closed the door behind her and shut out most of the noise from the squad room.
The office had something claustrophobic about it and she fought the urge to flee. She didn't like being in narrow, cluttered rooms. Almost directly to her left a window provided a stunning view over the Lower East Side and the Brooklyn Bridge in the distance. At the wall to the right stood a row of gray file cabinets, in front of her the familiar metal desk and the matching chair. Behind Ross on the wall hung several framed diplomas, commendations and photographs. Paperwork covered his desk.
Her Captain gave her an attentive look out of intense blue eyes.
"Detective Eames."
"I- I don't want to disturb you, Captain." She hated the insecurity in her voice. "I know that… it's maybe not correct to ask but what did you and Bobby talk about? He looked… troubled when he came out."
"Your worry for your partner honors you, Detective, but we talked in private and I don't pass private things on."
"But, Captain…"
His sphinx-like expression softened as well as his intense stare and an almost – smile tucked at the corners of his mouth. "As much as this upsets you, Eames, I won't tell you. It's Goren's business to tell you or not. I'm the boss here. I don't only lead this club but also I'm also a person of trust. And Goren wanted our talk to stay private."
"I see, Sir," she admitted defeat and lowered her head.
Her gaze fell on the desk top. Just out of reach, only a hand's breadth away a sole sheet, half covering a white envelope laid on a stock of files next to the desk lamp. It only took a quick grip…
"Go home, Alexandra," Ross said with a worried expression. "You look tired. Try to relax and eat something. You've lost weight over the last few weeks and I don't want you to break down. The paperwork can wait until tomorrow."
"Thank you, Captain."
"See you tomorrow, Alex."
Just in this moment the phone rang.
Time slowed. Like in slow motion she saw her boss turn to the left corner of the desk where the phone stood. He was focused on the following conversation and didn't pay too close attention to her anymore. It'd only take her a second or two to skim the two little paragraphs. Not enough time for Ross to end the conversation before turning his full attention to her again. And even if he did he couldn't prevent her from doing it… That little moment was enough. The urge to get clarity was stronger than her scruple to invade the respected boss' privacy and ignore his order. With a quick grasp she gripped the sheet and read over it.
Ross slammed down the receiver and whirled around to her. She heard his voice muffled, like through a layer of cotton, but didn't pay attention.
Her bad feeling didn't deceive her. Now it was official, no longer just a hunch. A feeling of overwhelming sadness and loss as well as confusion and hurt took over her. The sheet slipped from her suddenly numb fingers. Her knees buckled and she slumped on the chair before Ross' desk. Her heart beat rapidly against her ribs and she felt lightheaded.
"You went too far, Detective," he said with a sharp edge in his voice, his face a stern mask, neon blues glowing.
Alex didn't even notice. She gave him a confused look. "Bobby's leaving?" Verbalizing it tasted even more bitter than just reading it. "Why? What does 'personal issues' mean?"
Worry slowly replaced his anger. "Eames… Are you okay?"
"No, how can I?"
Her voice was high and thin and trembled slightly. She barely recognized it. That was the last thing she'd expected, a vicious blow out of the blue. Her mind went all blank, her thoughts bouncing around in her head like rubber balls, too fast to follow them.
He left the office and returned with a glass of water. Alex sipped it slowly, barely noticing it running down her throat. Bobby could as well have slapped her right in the face. Why did he do this and even more why in secrecy? She'd never thought that he'd rather leave than facing her. That was cowardly. She never considered him a coward. What had changed?
When she raised her head Ross gave her an insistent look.
"I understand why you did this, Alex," he nodded towards the letter, "but I can't tolerate it. You… no one can just come into my office and read things which are actually intended for me. You see?"
"Absolutely… I'm really sorry."
He nodded. "Don't worry about it now."
Silence fell. Alex didn't know if she was dismissed or not so she remained seated and watched Ross' face. He looked at her as if she was a problem he didn't know how to solve. He'd pressed his lips together to a thin line, narrowed his eyes, brows furrowed. Alex wondered why. She wasn't used to see her boss so emotional and it made her nervous. When he bent forward and rested his elbows on the desktop, folded his hands and his blues eyes fixated her she involuntary tensed up. She feared the decision he obviously had made was about her impulsive action.
She listened with growing disbelief when Ross finally spoke. When he was finished she was for the second time of the day so dumbfounded that it made her speechless. It confused her. Normally she could deal well with all the absurdities and hardships life and especially the job threw at her. But now wit and sarcasm failed her as well as words.
Ross hadn't spoken about any consequences involving her little "mistake". Obviously he'd changed his mind and finally brought himself to tell her about the conversation he'd had with Bobby. It went against his principles and the promise he made to reveal the words her partner considered safe with him to her. It showed in how he haltingly he spoke, how he paused at times, in the difficulties he had with keeping eye contact with her.
She swallowed then cleared her throat.
"I appreciate that you told me, Captain."
"I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't tell him that I told you," he said with a sigh.
"I can't-" ...promise you that. She paused. "I'll try, Captain."
He nodded in defeat. He knew that she maybe couldn't keep it to herself and he seemed to understand why.
All of a sudden she felt the strong urge to know why he had changed his mind. As if he knew what she was going to ask he shook his head.
"I'll refrain from any consequences for your little faux pas, Detective," he continued. "But see for it that it won't happen again. We understand each other?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Good." He tilted his head. "Are you really okay?"
"I admit, what you told me was… quite a hammer. I've never even considered it. There were never any signs or reasons to and to be true it was too far above me to consider it." She emptied the glass of water. "I think I'll leave now. No way I can concentrate on work now. I first must digest this."
He nodded with an understanding expression.
How could I have thought the man has no feelings, she wondered, strangely touched by his clumsy tries to show involvement and help her.
They said their good-byes then Alex left her boss' office and returned to her desk. She tidied up her workplace, got her purse out of her locker and hollered good-bye to her colleagues before she left for the day.
She had no idea yet what she should do now.
Who would've thought that?