Disclaimer - "Stargate" and all related characters are the property of MGM Television Entertainment.

A/N - thought it might be fun to give my muse a workout, so here will follow twelve oneshots linked to an Atlantis style take on 'The Twelve Days of Christmas.' All stories are independent from each other and offer a wide range of styles from humour to hurt/comfort, from angst to romance and many things in between! There will be some crack (OTT characterisation and clichés) in here too, during the parody moments…

Rating – ranging from K - T

Summaries for published chapters - On the twelfth day of Christmas, Atlantis gave to me...
Twelve Wolves a-Whumping - horror/hurt/comfort - Rodney gets some unwanted attention from the locals (V1 - The Toned Down Team Version, V2 - The Nasty One)
Eleven Bugs a-Biting - horror/hurt/comfort - Rodney wakes up in the infirmary with no recollection of how he got there
Ten Wraith a-Running - drama - Another day... another cull...
Nine Marines Moaning - drama - Some new recruits help escort a civilian charge into disputed territory
Eight Shields a-Sparking - drama/parody - The team visit *yet another* damp pine forest and find *yet another* Ancient Lab
Seven Damsels Dancing - romance/poetry/humour - Rodney McKay and his many 'lady friends' from over the years all meet during a rather strange event
Six Wormholes Whooshing - suspense/drama - When an offworld mission goes wrong, all that Elizabeth can do is wait in the Gate Room
Five McKay Snarks - angst/hurt/comfort - Radek tries to find out why Rodney's in such a bad mood
Four Ronon Blasts - action/adventure/drama - Teyla and Ronon get attacked by hungry reptiles
Three Teyla Pouts - parody - Teyla has to keep Rodney in check during an off-world mission
Two Sheppard Drawls - parody - John helps Ronon, who is feeling a little worse for wear after Christmas
And a Jumper Crashed into a Tree! - parody - Rodney finds out exactly what Lorne's been up to

The First Day – 25th December

Rodney was sitting in the Mess Hall enjoying the festivities all around him. He did not like to take part and knew that he was too abrasive for anyone other than his team to risk approaching him. He thought sadly that most people probably thought of him as the kind of man who did not like Christmas or the frivolity associated with the festival.

He frowned and was just about to get up and attempt to mingle with the crowd without offending anyone, when his radio headset buzzed.

"Major Lorne to Dr McKay."

"McKay here."

"Uh, I need your help, Doctor."

Rodney scowled, "I'm enjoying a well deserved day off, but go ahead."

"My Puddle Jumper's broken down"

"Your… Jumper?! What are you doing in a Jumper on Christmas Day for, Major?"

"It's all above board and everything," he replied a little too quickly. "Colonel Sheppard authorised me to take one out for a few hours and circle the planet."

"So, what am I now, a roadside recovery company?"

"I just knew you were the only one who could probably fix it."

Rodney frowned in annoyance. The Major was obviously trying to be nice to him by prodding and fanning at the fire of his ego. He decided he did not really have a choice in the matter and knew he would be happier now that he had a genuine excuse to get away from his awkward social situation.

John caught him as he tried to sneak out of the room. "Hey, Rodney, where do you think you're going?"

"Nowhere," he replied quickly, trying to sound offhand.

"Riiiight," John drawled slowly and raised his eyebrows in disbelief.

Rodney rolled his eyes and gave in, "Major Lorne's Jumper's stuck. I'm going to help him out."

"Oh, okay. I'll come too."

Rodney sighed. He knew that John would not back down from his decision. He very reluctantly nodded and let Sheppard walk alongside him as he made his way to the nearest transporter and up to the Jumper Bay.

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Rodney stood on the ground under a large tree and tilted his head up to look at the Jumper lodged in the upper branches. Many of them had snapped and fallen onto the ground. In fact, the entire tree looked like it was on its last legs and was about to be completely uprooted.

Rodney folded his arms across his chest and scowled up at the trapped Jumper. He turned to Major Lorne who had shimmied down a rope hanging out the back of the craft above. Next to him was a female scientist, which made Rodney's face twist even more in anger.

"So, what happened?" He asked as he eyed the two offending parties dangerously. Sheppard stood close by to make sure things did not get out of hand.

Lorne looked at him guiltily and said, "The engines just cut out."

"Engines don't 'just cut out,' Major!"

Lorne shot a nervous glance at the woman with him and she nodded at him in support. He looked down and said, "I may have pressed something I shouldn't have."

As Rodney looked between Lorne and his lady friend, his eyebrows went up so high they were in danger of retreating right up into his hairline.

Sheppard saw the situation deteriorating and quickly stepped in, "We can talk about what happened later. Can you fix the ship, McKay?"

Rodney's face still remained fixed in a stunned expression as he turned around and mumbled, "Probably. Even if I can't, we can always tow it back."

"Okay. After you then," John said, indicating the rope.

Rodney's eyes widened in panic, "Up that!? I don't know; it doesn't look very safe to me. The tree could give up at any moment with all that weight resting on it."

Lorne said, "We climbed down it alright. It didn't move at all."

"Uh, umm, well…" Rodney stammered and glanced nervously up at the Jumper.

John pushed his back and forced him towards the rope. "Come on. Just a quick climb, fix the engines and then we can go back and enjoy the rest of the day."

"Hmm, enjoy…" Rodney said, but he headed over to the rope anyway and making sure his tablet was secure on the back of his tac vest, he started to climb.

Very soon he was leaning over in the tilted rear compartment of the powerless Jumper and John crawled up over the open hatch and stood next to him.

Rodney held out his hand to steady himself as he walked towards the cockpit. There was an ominous groaning sound from under the Jumper and Rodney gasped in fright and grabbed hold of the wall.

The sound dissipated and fortunately the Jumper did not shift at all. Rodney went into the cockpit and sat down in the pilot's chair. John stayed in the rear compartment to balance the weight out and stood ready to move if necessary.

Rodney frowned and brought up the power distribution schematic on his tablet. "Hmm, seems some of the power has been cut off."

"I could've told you that," John said with a smirk.

Rodney sighed in annoyance and mumbled inaudibly as he continued to type. In a matter of seconds the lights came on as the Jumper powered up. The tree finally gave up its impression of being an impromptu parking space and the Jumper pitched forwards.

Rodney cried out in fear and quickly piloted the Jumper to pull the nose up before it hit the ground. He landed it a short distance away with a loud thump.

Lorne and the female scientist ran over with their faces awash with relief. John grinned at Rodney as he turned in his seat with an exasperated expression.

"I don't know what on Earth you were doing to the Jumper, Major, but it seems you pressed an awful lot of the controls and effectively locked out the power supply. Obviously, it only took me a couple of seconds to fix it."

Lorne looked at him sheepishly while the woman next to him glanced away with a smirk.

Lorne then looked up and tried to keep a straight face as he said, "Thanks, Doctor McKay. Next time I'll make sure I know what my hands are doing."

John started laughing and patted the Major on the back, "You'd better or else this might have to go in your permanent record."

Lorne looked horrified until he saw the grin across Sheppard's face.

Rodney continued to scowl as he walked back to his own Jumper with Sheppard.

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On the first day of Christmas, Atlantis gave to me…
A Jumper crashed into a tree