For people who have already read part 1 and 2: I am just being nice to
those who haven't read part 1 and 2 and want to read them, so I am putting
past chapters up with the new ones so new people don't have to go looking
for them. New ones are at the end of the page! Enjoy!
The Future Sucks
By: Kali
*(somebody thinking)*
It is 30 years after Gundam Wing's last episode. All of the boys are
now retired and have sold their Gundams on Ebay. Heero has retired his
professional assassin business and now is a dentist. Quatre has become
a day-care center assistant. Wufei is the waiter of a Chinese
restaurant. Trowa works at a bar, and Duo is a Chippendale's dancer
(stripper man for birthdays).
Quatre is at the day-care center putting in a teletubby video. He
notices a rather violent child tearing off the heads of dolls.
Quatre: Now little Billy, we don't do that to our dolls!
Billy: You can't tell me what to do! (Begins tearing at the doll's head again.)
Quatre: That's it little Billy! It's the corner for you!
Quatre lifts the screaming child off the floor and sits him in the chair.
Quatre: Now you're going to have to sit there until I say you can get up!
Billy: (Hysterically cries).
Quatre: No, don't cry! (Also starts crying.)
Another daycare assistant, named Amanda walks in.
Amanda: Quatre! That's the third time this week you have cried!
Quatre: But it's just so sad! I am always way too hard on them!
Amanda: (Rolls her eyes.) Quatre, you have to be strict with them! Now pay attention! (Looks
around the room.) Suzy! Get over here pronto!
Suzy: (Walks over submissively.) Yes Amanda?
Amanda: (Veins start forming in her eyes from anger.) That's MISS Amanda to scum like you! Now,
recite your ABC's.
Suzy: Shaking. A, b, c, d, umm, g?
Amanda: NOOOO! Its E! E you idiot! How do you expect to have survival skills if you don't know
what comes after d?!?!? (Blood starts pouring out of her ears.) UHHHH!!! YOU MAKE ME SO
ANGRY!!!!!!!!! LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!! I'LL RIP YOUR HAIR OUT YOU LITTLE
BRAT!!!! COME HERE!!
Suzy screams and hides under a crib as Amanda chases her.
Quatre: No! No violence is allowed! Only happy attitudes allowed! Oh no! The pain! My body! My
SOUL! (Passes out.)
Quatre's helper monkey who was trained to call the police in these times goes over to the phone
and presses the 911 button. After a few minutes, the police arrive and find Amanda clawing at
Suzy from under the crib and Quatre violently shaking on the ground having a nervous breakdown.
After the "happy drugs" were used with Amanda, the manager speaks to Quatre.
Manager: Quatre, I think it would be healthy for you if you and Amanda took a little Vacation.
Quatre: No, I have to take care of the children! The children need me!
Manager: Quatre, if you don't go on vacation, I will fire you because you endanger Amanda's
health.
Quatre: No, I'm fine really, can't I just stay for 3 more days?
Manager: Fine, but you are going on Prozac from now on.
Quatre: Yay! (Walks over to the phone where the monkey was.) Monkey, you saved my life! How can
I ever repay you! Oh yeah, treats!
Quatre dumps out a bucket full of fattening treats and while the monkey ate them all, Quatre
remembered something.
Quatre: Hey! Little Billy reminds me of someone I used to know. Hmmm... I just can't think of
him though. Oh yeah, it was Heero! I'll call him to say hi! (Looks in Phone directory.)
~Meanwhile at Heero's office~
The phone rings and Heero's secretary Amy picks it up.
Amy: Hello?
Quatre: Can I speak to the main dentist please?
Amy: Sure. (Calls Heero over.)
Heero: Yes?
Quatre: Hi Heero!
Heero: *Wait a minute, I remember that over cheerful voice... Oh my god!!!!* Its you! God help us
all! Can't you ever die!
Quatre: Wow, it's been 30 years since we've talked Heero, isn't that crazy?
Heero: How did you get this number?!
Quatre: So your real name is Gaylord Smith, I knew it wasn't Heero Yuy, you can never fool me
Gaylord!
Heero: Shut up!
Quatre: So how have you been! Have you hooked up with Relena yet?
Heero: No, she kept calling me asking me when I was going to kill her so I finally did.
Quatre: (Pretending that he is kidding.) Hahahaha!
Heero: I have 32 more root canals to do, so leave me alone, and if you tell anyone my real name,
I shall destroy you!
Quatre: Okay, I love keeping secrets! Hey, how about you take a break from work and we go and
play a round of golf?
Being 45, Heero cannot resist golf; it is an uncontrollable urge.
Heero: (Not strong enough to fight the golf urge.) Okay Quatre, I'll pick you up in my Porsche.
Quatre: Wow, you got a Porsche?
Heero: All dentists have either Porsche, or Mercedes.
Quatre: I have a red bug and on my license plate it says luv bug.
Heero: (Wanting to say typical.) Oh, that's great.
~A while later~
While Quatre was adjusting his odd golf pants, Heero hits another ball purposely at a nearby
golfer.
Quatre: Heero, the hole is that way. (Pointing in opposite direction.)
Heero: Oh so it is! (Lying.)
Quatre: Lets go drive up to the hole. It's your turn to drive Heero.
Heero gets inside the golf cart and once Quatre gets in, he floors it and flies off.
Quatre: I think you can slow down Heero! HEERO, WATCH OUT FOR THE HILL!!!!!!
Heero: Uh-oh.
The golf cart flies off the hill and flips over in the air, and since all things that go up
must come down, the cart then crashes on its roof and shatters the windshield. While Heero falls
out of the side of the cart, Quatre gets pinned under it.
Quatre: (Noticing gasoline leaking towards a small flame in the cart.) GET THIS CART OFF ME!
Heero: Oh no! Golfing buddy! (Pulls Quatre out from under the cart, and once he drags him 9 feet
away, the cart explodes and sets a nearby tree on fire.)
Heero gets out his cell phone and calls the fire department. After a few minutes, they arrive
and put the tree out and throw away the remains of the golf cart.
Quatre: Sorry for your troubles. (Hands club owner five 100-dollar bills.)
After the wreckage was pulled away, it reveals a gigantic crater in the green. Quatre then hands
the club owner another five hundred dollars.
Quatre: Well, that was an interesting experience.
Heero: (Pulling out golf clubs.) Well, at least I saved my golf clubs.
Quatre: Well, if it even matters, heres the score sheet. (Hands score sheet to Heero.)
Heero: Let's see... (Looks at sheet and his eyes buldge out.) WHAT!? My score was 93?!
I was beaten at golf by a pretty-boy! UHGHHHH!!! (Storms over to the edge of the cliff on the
golf coarse and angrily chucks golf clubs off the side of the cliff.)
Quatre looking at Heero's periodical outburst, just groans and shakes his head. After Heero
threw his golfing shoes etc. over the cliff and into the ocean; Heero walks back over.
Heero: (Yawns.) Well, I think I've had enough fun here, let's eat out!
Heero and Quatre walk over to a nearby Chinese restaurant and sit down at a table there. A
waitress walks up to them and gives them their menus.
Heero: I will have sushi please.
Quatre: I will have what Heero's having, thanks.
Heero: Quatre, sushi is dead fish.
Quatre: (Quickly changes his mind.) I'll have vegetarian please.
The waitress walks off with the menus and into the kitchen.
Waitress: CHANG! Take over for me I'm going home.
Wufei: Okay.
Quatre: Wait a minute, I took my sick pet goldfish here one time and they said they would fix
them. They never returned him. I hope he hasn't died. He was my favorite goldfish too; he was
the only one in the store that was white with black spots. My poor little Timmy.
Wufei walks in with Heero and Quatre's food.
Wufei: *Hey, wait a minute. I remember that annoyingly innocent face and almost white blonde
hair.Is it? Could it be? Might as well not deny. It's him. Don't panic Wufei.* (Throws tray in
the air.) OH MY GOD ITS QUATRE!
Quatre: Oh Wufei! It's nice to see you! Wow we haven't seen each other in 30 years! Isn't that
crazy Heero?
Heero slaps his forehead. The tray then falls on the table and Heero's sushi plate lands on
Quatre's lap.
Quatre: Oh Heero, here's your dinner! (Picks up a piece of sushi that was white with black spots.
After realizing something, starts hyperventilating.) TIMMY!!! DEAR GOD TIMMY, WHAT HAVE THEY DONE
TO YOU!!!!!!!!! (Starts crying.)
Just then two robbers walk in with pistols in their hands.
Robber #1: Okay everybody down! Now give us the money!
Wufei: Not so fast weaklings! (Picks up tray and throws it at the robber.)
Robber #1: (Ducks under flying tray.) Shoot him!
Robber #1 and 2 fire their pistols at Wufei. Wufei attempts to fly up into the air, but when he
jumps onto the table, his back cracks.
Wufei: EEEEEEEE!!!!! MY BACK!!! %$#&!!! (Falls off table.)
The robbers then loot the place and then to make nobody remember them, they hit everybody atop
the head with their pistols.
Robber #2: (Pointing to Quatre.) He's the last one left, just hit him and let's go!
Quatre: (Still crying.) Just give me a minute. (Eats a fortune cookie and looks at the paper
inside.) Wow, my smile will open up secret places. Okay then. (Hits himself in the face with
a plate and becomes unconscious.)
The Future Sucks
Part II
By READ ME!
or
Kali
(After a few people wake up, Heero and Quatre decide to take their
handicapped friend to the chiropractic.)
Heero: Wake him up Quatre!
Quatre: How do I do that?
Heero: (Hands him a cup of water.) Now just splash it on him and let's go!
Quatre: But that will get him wet, and that's mean!
Heero: Just do it and come on, I'm going to go pull up my car to the door.
Quatre looks sadly at the glass and then pours a small amount on Wufei's hair.
Heero: (Calling from inside the Porche.) Just drag him Quatre.
Quatre then picks up Wufei and drags him over to the Porche and throws him
in. They then drive over to the Chiropractic.
Quatre: (Tapping Wufei on the head.) We are going to fix you Wufei!
Wufei clutches at his heart and gasps.
Quatre: No silly! We're going to fix your back! We won't nuder you Wufei!
Wufei calms down a little. Quatre then drags him into the chiropractic and
sets him onto the table. A doctor who had a thick black beard and a weird
comb-over then walked in.
Doctor: Hello, I am doctor Aliawababa. I don't do not speak English well,
but we give it try.
Wufei: (Widening his eyes in horror.)
Aliawababa: So where you hurt little man with gray hair?
Wufei: (Would have gotten up, but he would have paralyzed himself.) My hair
is not gray! It's silver!
Aliawababa: Oh, yeah RIGHT! Okay, you pay me so I get to work.
Quatre: (Pointing at place on his back.) He cracked it there.
Aliawababa: Okay. (Pokes it.)
Wufei: (Eyes bulge out.) AAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Aliawababa: Yes, I see now slight tension. A ritual massage should help you!
After they take Wufei into a shower room, Quatre, Heero, and Doctor
Aliawababa sit a glass sliding door to see results.
18-Year-old Playboy massage woman: Okay, you will feel better soon now.
Wufei: Hehehe.
Wufei was lying flat on a table, and he thought he was going to get a
massage. But instead he got a ritual massage where all they did was place 6
rocks on your back.
Wufei: Hey, where are you going 18 year old playboy massage woman? (Notices
18-year-old playboy massage woman leaving room. Now getting angry and jumps
off table.)
Aliawababa: Wow! Those rocks really work for him.
Wufei: WHAT?!! I am paying you to put rocks on my back!!! Come from behind
that door and fight me like a man Aliawababa!
Aliawababa: Is he always like this? I mean, temporary rage all the time?
Quatre and Heero look at each other, then nod sadly. Meanwhile Wufei picks a
rock off his back and throws it at the window.
Aliawababa: Oh my. (Pushes security button and huge 600-pound men with blue
suits and pepper spray walk in the room with Wufei.)
Wufei: Who wants some!?!?
A security guard sprays Wufei with pepper spray.
Wufei: (Screaming like a girl.) AAAHHH!!!! (Claws at his eyes.)
Heero: I never knew he would still be this spunky after 30 years!
Quatre: I never knew he would still be this mental after 30 years!
Aliawababa: I never knew a 45-year-old man could have so much gray hair!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Future Sucks
Part III
By READ ME!
or
Kali
Later on, Wufei was put in a wheelchair (due to the security guard injuries
and not the back injuries) and Quatre wheeled him over to the desk to pay.
Wufei: (Getting out wallet.) How much?
Front desk woman: $2000 please sir.
Wufei: WHAT! FIRST OF ALL YOU TORTURE ME, THEN YOU MAKE ME PAY FOR IT!!???
(Classic "damn" fit starts again.) DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU, YOU LITTLE DAMN!
DAMN ALL OF YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO STRAIGHT TO HELL! DAMMIT! (Pounds fists
on wheelchair.)
Desk Woman: Sir, please do not use such profane language, there are
children in here you know.
Wufei: Fine! Here's your DAMN money. Have a good DAMN-DIDDLY DAY!
Heero: Damn Wufei.
Wufei: SHUT THE DAMN UP!
Heero: OKAY!
Wufei: I need some DAMN alcohol!
Heero, Wufei, and Quatre all head over to a local bar. After the 45th
drink, the bartender gets worried.
Quatre: Wufei, why don't you try some water now?
Wufei: I don't want any water! I want more alcohol!
Bartender: No more!
Wufei: Please?
Bartender: No!
Wufei: Drinky poo?
Bartender: I said no!
Wufei: Than I shall beat you like Jackie Chan! (Slowly swings his arm at
the bartender, but passes out and collapses onto the bartender.)
Bartender: (Throws Wufei off him then gets out walkie-talkie.) Bill! We
need you to get someone out of here!
A low voice replies onto the walkie-talkie.
Security: I already told you, my name is not Bill.
Bartender: William, I need some help.
Security: My name is not William.
Bartender: Sighs. Andy, please come and help me?
Security: My name is not Andy.
Bartender: Is Brad there?
Security: No.
Bartender: Is Nick there?
Security: No.
Bartender: Is Aaron there?
Security: No.
45 minutes later.
Bartender: Is the president there?
Security: No.
Bartender: Is Batman there?
Security: No, he is not.
Bartender: Man with no name! Get the hell out here!
Security: Fine!
Trowa walks out in a super-tight security outfit that appeared to be
strangling him.
Trowa: (Talking to Wufei.) Okay drunk monkey Mulan, time to go!
Quatre: (Noticing old bangs used in a bad comb-over.) TROWA! YAY! (Trying
to be nice.) Umm, nice comb over?
Trowa: What? Hey Quatre! Oh yeah, I forgot to return this to you 30 years
ago. (Gets out a rusty flute.)
Quatre: Oh, I was wondering where my $1000 flute was. Heh heh, oh what's
the use.
Trowa: (Looking over at the intoxicated Wufei.) Hey, Wufei already has gray
hair? Weird. (Turns red as he shuts the door to his room that had many
boxes of Rogaine in it.)
Heero: So why are you wearing such a tight suit?
Trowa: Blame it on Catherine.
Heero nods understandably.
Quatre: So is this all of us now?
Heero: Wasn't there an annoying motor mouth with us too?
Trowa: Hmm, Oh yeah! It was someone named Doodoo right?
Quatre: No, it was Uno.
Heero: And if you double Uno, it equals Duo.
Trowa: Yeah, I think his name was Duo!
Quatre: Trowa, you are the law, you can help us find Duo!
Trowa: Okay, wait here. (Goes in the room and gets nightstick and pistol
out.) Okay, I'm ready.
After tying Wufei to a rope, Trowa drags him outside and into the car with
everyone else following.
Quatre: Its getting late, maybe we should quit.
Heero: (In his paranoia mode.) No, my mission is to find Uno, and that's
what we're going to do.
Trowa looks over at Wufei and sees that he was starting to turn green.
Trowa: I think we need to take Wufei to the hospital.
Heero: He already was at the chiropractic, he doesn't need to go to the
hospital.
Trowa: (Starting to panic when he sees Wufei's blood vessels turning
yellow.) Umm, I think it is serious this time.
Heero: (Groans.) Fine! (Pulls up into hospital parking lot, then Quatre
follow behind with Trowa, who was dragging Wufei in.)
Heero: Okay, I'll go check with the nurse to see what Wufei has, you two
stay here.
While Trowa and Quatre sit down in the lobby, no one notices that Wufei was
still mostly outside and the sliding door was opening and closing on his
head.
Quatre: So, what have you been up to Trowa?
Trowa: Nothing much. Catherine is nice. So, did you ever get together with
Dorothy?
Quatre: I did, but then when we went on walks and things she would spit at
poor people and steal lollipops from little kids. I think she was too evil
for me.
Trowa: I understand. So where is she now?
Quatre: (Thinking for a moment.) She now is a professional wrestler in the
WWF, you know the kind that wear miniskirts and occasionally will attack
the wrestlers. I heard that she bought one of our Gundams off Ebay and now
is going to use it on the show BattleBots. Oh well.
Trowa: Oh that's great, I guess.
Heero: (Walking back over.) Okay, the nurse has a room and some doctors to
pump Wufei's stomach. (Notices Wufei.) Why are you causing injuries to
Wufei's head?
Quatre and Trowa turn around and finally notice the sliding door crushing
Wufei.
Trowa: Oops. Oh well, he'll get over it. (Drags him over to the counter.)
Two doctors then rush out with a stretcher and put Wufei on it. Trowa snaps
the cord that was attached to Wufei off before the doctors could drag him
over. Unfortunately, they were taking him to the wrong procedure room.
The Future Sucks
Part IV (Four)
By READ ME!
Quatre: So what do we do now?
Trowa: I don't know.
Heero: Does anyone have any money for this?
Trowa: Uh oh.
~Meanwhile~
Doctor: Okay, hand me the charts Nurse Bunny.
Nurse Bunny: Okay doctor!
Doctor: So patient 45775 (Wufei) has come in for a colonic. Let's
begin!
Nurse Bunny: Okay doctor!
Wufei begins to regain conciseness.
Doctor: Okay, hand me the speculum.
Nurse Bunny hands him the speculum. Hearing the word "speculum" Wufei
wakes up completely.
Wufei: (Jumping up) What do you think you're doing with that!?!
Doctor: See here, we are giving you a colonic, we will first fit this
speculum into your rectum...
Nurse Bunny: He's about to know you in ways most men shouldn't sir.
Wufei: NO!!!!
Nurse Bunny: Should we use anesthesia now doctor?
Doctor: Most likely.
Wufei: (Jumping up on bed.) No! I can't have other men touching me!
And what's a DAMN woman doing in the medical profession.
Nurse Bunny: Hey! I'll have you know that I got my nurse degree from
Hooters! I slept with 3 different guys to get that you know! (Feeling
rather proud.)
Doctor: Never mind! Nurse Bunny, just pop in a scary movie or
something and we'll leave him here until he calms down. Meanwhile,
lets take a lunch break and go to Hooters.
Nurse Bunny: Okay doctor! (Leaves room with doctor.)
Doctor: I heard its wet T-shirt day today!
Nurse Bunny: Ooh! What fun! (Closes door behind them.)
Wufei: (Calming down a little.) I've been completely straight for 45
years, which is a record I plan to keep. (Realizing something.) Oh my
god. What about when a doctor slapped my ass when I was born!!? I'm
homosexual! (Starts crying.)
Just then, the scary movie "The Leprechaun" comes on the t.v. (Just in
case you don't know what that movie was about, it was based on a rabid
little leprechaun who wants to eat people's babies or something).
After watching the movie for 30 minutes, Wufei falls asleep and has a
bad dream from the movie and eating the artificially grown food from the hospital.
~Meanwhile in Wufei's dream~
Wufei wakes up in the street with Quatre, Heero, and Trowa staring at him.
Wufei: Where am I?
Trowa: You're in a dream ass monkey!
Quatre: You're not supposed to tell him that! This is the kind of dream where he wakes up thinking it really happened!
Trowa: Oh, sorry.
Wufei: Is this the Matrix?
Trowa rolls his eyes.
Wufei: Darn.
Wufei turns around and notices that there is a weird, dark looking
house in front of them.
Heero: Come on Wufei! Let's go in!
Wufei: Why?
Heero: Well SOMETHING has to happen in your dream!
Wufei: Fine! (Walks with Heero, Quatre, and Trowa up to the front door of the house.)
Heero: (Opening the front door.) All right Wufei, time to go inside. We're right behind you.
Wufei walks in the house, and Trowa gets out a flashlight and turns it on.
Wufei: So what do we do now?
Quatre: I think this is the cue for anything hideously scary to come out now.
A noise comes from a large stairway behind the boys and they all turn around and see small, retarded looking leprechaun with fangs sitting at the top of the stairway.
Leprechaun: Heehee! I shall eat all of your babies!
Trowa: But we don't have any babies!
Leprechaun: Look at your stomachs now! Heehee!
All of the boys look down at their stomachs and see that they were pregnant.
Quatre: I'm a mommy! (Squeals with joy.)
Trowa: Okay, HOW am I going to tell Catherine about this one.
Heero: Abortion time.
Wufei: (Having a heart attack.) I knew it! I'm a fagget! (Starts crying.)
Leprechaun: Now, you better run away, or I'll eat your babies!
Heero: You give abortions! Can I schedule one with you? So that's what they do with the babies, they eat them! I never knew that!
Leprechaun: (Rolls his eyes.) Now, its baby eating time! (Gets out his A1 sauce, fork, steak knife, and beer.) Okay, now all I need to complete my dinner is baby meat! Mwahahahaha!
Heero: Oh, I am SO scared. (Pulls out a machine gun.) You are in over your head Leprechaun! Say good bye!
Right before Heero shoots, the Leprechaun points his finger at Heero and his water breaks.
Quatre: Eww, you just wet your pants Heero.
Heero: (Drops his gun.) Uh-oh, my water just broke.
Trowa starts cracking up.
Heero: Shut up! I need drugs!
Quatre: Well fine with you! I am having a natural childbirth.
Heero: Too late! (Passes out on the floor.)
Quatre: This is the time where we run because our leader has received a gruesome death.
Trowa: Good idea.
All of the boys start screaming and running while holding their stomachs.
Quatre: (Still running.) Now, we should turn around and see our terrible fiend villain chasing us around.
Everyone turns around and sees the Leprechaun chasing them in a grocery cart.
Quatre: Okay, didn't expect that, but oh well.
After 5 minutes of running, the boys find an unlocked door and go in, and slam the door behind them.
Trowa: Okay, what do we do now?
Quatre: (Looking around.) Now, we find a light and find that this room was just used to lure us here for the evil villain.
Trowa finds a light switch and when he turns on the lights, sees that the room is filled with clown dolls and Barbie dolls with missing legs or arms.
Quatre: Yep that's pretty hideous.
Wufei: This is definitely a nightmare.
The door starts pounding in and the leprechaun starts screaming outside of the door.
Trowa: Okay Quatre, what happens now?
Quatre: (Thinking.) I think we all die and Wufei wakes up all sweaty and stuff.
Trowa: Darn. I was having fun.
The leprechaun busts through the door finally.
Wufei: When do I wake up again?
Leprechaun: Haha! Not until I want you to! I still get to have fun with you!
The Leprechaun then points at Wufei, and Wufei looks at himself in horror and sees that sees he was wearing a green flower print muumuu.
Wufei: AAAHHHH!!!!
Quatre: This is too much.
Trowa: Do we start running again now?
Wufei: LET'S KILL THE LITTLE *&%#!
Wufei picks up a shovel and starts chasing the leprechaun with it.
Leprechaun: No! This wasn't supposed to happen! You're waking up now! I'll see YOU on St. Patrick's Day for a re-match!
Author's notes: Umm, I can't think of anything to write now, so I'll
just say "Hoped you liked the story!"
-READ ME!