They looked at each other. Here it was. What she had always refused to say, even in her devastated state right after the scandal, had just passed her lips. She wanted a divorce. It sounded so final. Maybe because it was.
In that moment she was so angry with him that the magnitude of what she had just said hadn't had time to sink in. She wanted to punish him, if only for still feeling like he had a right to be jealous of her and another man, when he had caused her so much pain in the past for the very thing he was now jealous of.
She left his office feeling like she had finally done what she should have done a long time ago but never had the courage to.
After Will's death, she had resented Peter. She had wondered why she had compromised the possibility of happiness with Will to stay with a man who had hurt her so. If she was being honest with herself, it had simply been easier to blame Peter than to blame herself and acknowledge that she alone had made the choice to stay in her marriage and to leave Will.
She was past all of that now. She had accepted the loss of Will and her faults in that relationship. And she had awoken to the fact that she didn't want to be Peter's wife anymore.
So why did she feel so uneasy now, alone in bed, hours after asking Peter for a divorce? She wasn't sure what it was. Was she sad to end a marriage that had been mostly over for years? Really? That could not be it. And yet she was unable to deny that, instead of feeling good about her decision and her voicing it to Peter, she felt like crying. And so she did.
Peter and Alicia had not seen each other since that day. Truth be told they had not communicated at all in the past 2 weeks. They had both needed the time to come to terms with what they were about to do.
Alicia had been seeing Jason less and less. She had fun with him but she had come to the realization that that was all it was ever going to be between them. Fun. Taking joy in each other's company. Not talking about any sort of future together. Just enjoying the here and now.
However she was slowly realizing that it wasn't enough for her, that she could only live in the moment for so long. She needed to know there was some kind of plan and that the relationship was going somewhere. She had already tried the carefree approach to relationships with Will during their few months as a couple and it had not worked for her there either. Commitment was something she needed in order to feel like her life was stable. And she knew she would not get that from Jason, especially when she was not willing to commit to him anyway.
For his part, Peter had been pretty miserable lately. He had thought many times that the end of his marriage was near. Yet he had never really given a serious thought to a divorce actually happening. After all he and Alicia had been through, why now? She could have left him for good many times before but each time, she had chosen not to. So despite being somewhat unsurprised and aware that his behavior had played a large part in her decision, he was still left with this uncomfortable weight on this chest, this feeling that something momentous had just torn his world apart, and he had a hard time getting rid of the dull ache in his heart.
She had called him that morning, asking him if he could stop by her apartment to talk over the details of their divorce. And he was now in the elevator of her building, climbing up the floors with apprehension. A few seconds later, he was knocking at her door.
"Hi!" she said, opening it and letting him in. She wasn't smiling. She didn't look angry either, he noted. She just had this neutral, indifferent expression on her face and somehow it made him even more nervous.
"Hi, I'm sorry I'm late. The meeting ran longer than expected."
"That's alright", she said while entering the living room and taking a seat on the sofa.
He took her cue and sat down on the armchair opposite from her.
"So, I thought we could make this quick. I don't think we have much to discuss anyway since Grace will be 18 in a few weeks", she started. "My lawyer already drew up the papers. I just thought you could look them over and let me know if you disagree with anything. Then we can talk it through and file the papers."
"Okay." He took the papers and started reading them.
"I'll just give you a few minutes. I have to make a phone call", she said and left the room.
A while later, Peter set the documents on the coffee table.
"So?" Alicia asked, taking her place again on the couch.
"Everything looks fine to me."
"Good", she said, relieved that it meant they wouldn't have to fight on anything.
An awkward silence began to settle. Peter knew he should be leaving. There was no reason for him to stay any longer. But somehow, he couldn't make any move to get up.
"So, we are really doing this, huh?" he said after a moment.
« Yes », she replied, her voice soft.
"It's weird, isn't it? If someone had told me when we first started dating that that's how everything would end, I would have laughed in their face."
She considered this a moment. She didn't want to think that far back, didn't want to relive those memories now, but he made her anyway: "Yes, me too…"
"Where did we go wrong?" he asked, genuinely wanting to know.
She raised an eyebrow at him in disbelief: "Really? Do we have to bring that up again right now?"
"No, no, no... I mean, I know I did wrong, Alicia. I just… I guess I often wonder why I did what I did in the first place… why I hurt you and the kids at a time where you were the most important things in my life. If I could go back in time now, I would never… "
"Peter, no!" she cut him off quickly. "I don't want to go down that road again."
She had spent countless nights, and days, wondering about that very thing. It had been 7 years and she still had no answer for that. But she had learnt to live without knowing and she most certainly didn't want to get an explanation now that things were irremediably over between them and that she had started moving on with her life.
"Don't you ever wonder, Alicia? If all this mess hadn't happened, would we be still be together? Would we still be living in Highland Park, happy and in love?"
"I don't know, Peter." She didn't want to continue this conversation. So she was surprised when she heard herself ask: "Were we?"
Peter raised his gaze to meet hers: "What?"
"Happy and in love?" she asked.
"Well, I know I was. You weren't?" In all honesty, he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer to that question. He had always prided himself in his ability to make her happy back then, but he was beginning to think he had never really understood her and what brought her happiness in the first place.
"No, I was too. In the beginning", she admitted. She smiled faintly then: "And in the middle as well."
He couldn't help but chuckle a little himself: "Yeah, the middle wasn't too bad either", he agreed. He took a reflective pause. "We had some good times, didn't we? When the kids were younger and we would go camping near Ann Arbor by the lake. Grace would always end up being devoured by mosquitoes, but she loved those little camping trips so much that she barely paid any attention to it."
"Yes, she was quite the trooper." The memory made Alicia smile more frankly and her eyes shine. She had loved those little family getaways. It always felt like a secret adventure they would share just between the four of them. They would relish the simple times they spent together and each time, their bonds as a family would come out a little stronger.
"I loved watching you with the kids", she whispered. Her mood had turned contemplative now, as she allowed herself to reflect on the wonderful happy memories she had shared with the man sitting across from her.
They had spent a lifetime together. Making each other laugh. Sharing the daily responsibilities that came with having children. Giving each other strength. Comforting each other. Alicia had seen Peter at his happiest and at his worst. Through his times of self-doubt and losses, she had gotten to know the most intimate sides of him. And he had done the same thing with her. He had been there to hold her when her father had just passed away and she had felt so torn apart between the grief that overwhelmed her and the joy she could not help but feel, albeit faintly then, at the thought of giving birth to their daughter a couple of months later. It was his love and support that had helped her get through the loss of her dad.
That was one of the reason she had felt so lost after the scandal. He had been her best friend and confident for so long that, when he became the cause of her pain, she hadn't known where to find the comfort she so desperately needed. She had felt incredibly lonely at the time, wondering how she could ever make it through without him by her side.
"I loved seeing you with them too", his careful admission brought her out of her thoughts.
The silence was stretching out as they looked at each other, the nostalgia and sadness evident in their eyes. So many broken promises, so many shattered dreams between them.
"Alicia, I don't know how to do this", he confessed suddenly. "How can people end a relationship that lasted almost half their lives and just move on? How can they be okay with not seeing one another after that, not being part of one another's life anymore? I don't know… ". He was becoming emotional, she could tell. Seeing him so vulnerable had always gotten to her, especially because she could count on one hand the number of times where he had been on the verge of tears in all of their life together.
"I don't know how to do it either", she said, her voice catching a little. "We'll just have to take it one day at a time. We'll get used to it eventually… And we still have two great kids, so we'll continue to see each other from time to time." She sounded more optimistic than she felt, but she had no choice. She would either try to see a bright side to their situation or she would cry. She had decided against the latter.
"Yeah, you're probably right", he said resigned.
"Well, I should go." He got up and moved towards the hallway but, while standing up herself, she saw him pause and turn towards her.
"I'm sorry, Alicia. I don't think I have ever told you how truly deeply sorry I am for hurting you", he said, his voice cracking.
She felt the tears coming and was powerless to do anything about it. She just stood there and took in his apology, one she had heard many times before but had never felt was sincere until this moment.
She moved and wrapped her arms around him. He held her tightly, grateful for the forgiveness she was offering with this simple gesture. She cried silently and he did too, burying his face in her neck.
"I'll always love you, Alicia", he murmured.
"I'll always love you too, Peter", she said looking up at him.
They couldn't let go. Why was it so hard when they hadn't been a real couple for years?
He pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead and she closed her eyes, relishing what she felt would be the last time his lips would touch her in this way.
"Goodbye, Alicia". Then he turned and walked to the door.
"Bye, Peter", she replied in a whisper when he glanced at her one last time.
And just like that, her husband was gone. Out of her apartment. Out of her life. Forever.