Shining Bright
That slip of paper held my future. The announcer, Andrew Rannells, was literally holding my future in his hands. He's opening up the envelope ever so slowly that I can feel the sweat on my fingertips.
Jesse squeezes my hand gently, and I turn to see his face. His eyes are shimmering with his face directed at the stage. I know that my husband is excited for me, but I can't help but feeling terrified.
This was a moment I have dreamed of ever since I was a little girl. Those endless tap lessons which both my dads would take me to, and those non-stop wishes on my dream board full of photos of Broadway and Barbra Streisand, my idol, finally paid off. I could look back on all the rehearsals and auditions that have led me here, but I don't think about the call backs or the dances where I would practice so much that my feet would hurt- all I could think back to is McKinley High in the small town of Lima, Ohio. Here I am in Radio City Musical Hall in the city that never sleeps; yet, everything diminishes around me until all that is left are the days of Glee.
All those slushies finding my face as a girl who never found a way to belong has made this all worthwhile. All those butterflies before Nationals where all of us would be so scared, but so excited for what the future would hold for each of us. I think of my choking moment at my first NYADA audition and my sassy songs working at the diner with Santana. I think of Brittany's "Fondue for Two" internet-show awkward moments with Lord Tubbington and Puck's warm heart under that strict Mohawk-rebel vibe. I think of the day I figured out Shelby was my biological mother. I think of Quinn, a girl who I thought was ruining my life actually turned out to be one of my great friends. I think of Finn. I think of how he was the first boy to come into my life and make me so happy—he not only always supported me to become a better singer, but he taught me to never stop believing.
My leg is shaking, and Jesse gives me a side glance when Andrew Rannells announces all the nominees for best actress in a leading role. I force a grin because truthfully, I am so nervous that I can't feel my face. I think of right now. I think of how Mr. Schuester is watching this at home, and I hope to make him so proud, for none of this would be possible if it weren't for him.
Jesse turns his head as he whispers in my ear, "It's going to be okay. I love you." With a wink, he shoots a smile at me and I am able to breathe again. After Mr. Rannells finishes all the nominees, there is a silence in the room so thick that it could swallow me whole. The butterflies are catching at my throat. I think of the day Jesse asked for my hand in marriage right in Times Square with the dazzling lights around me at the heart beat of the city. I think of the gentlest baby, a sweet little angel within me about to become a reality into the lives of Blaine and Kurt in just a few months. Mr. Rannells opens the envelope.
I think of myself. New York City was only a dream away from Lima. But I made it to the city. I turned from a misfit girl who always had her face washed with slushies and who never felt like she belonged—to someone who feels she's got a real shot in this world. People would laugh when I used to place gold stars next to my name at McKinley, but I always said I did that as a metaphor because I believed that one day I would shine as bright as one.
Looking back now, I realize that I always was shining.
Mr. Rannells takes a breath, "And the Tony award goes to…"