Scott sat on the couch, next to him Stiles, head on his best friend's shoulder on his other side Isaac, shoulder touching Scott's. Erica and Boyd were sitting in front of Stiles and Scott Backs against the legs of their friends. While Lydia and Allison shared the other smaller couch, Jackson sitting in front of Lydia on the carpet, leaning back into her hand that was running through his hair, while her other's held Allison's. Derek recruited to bring popcorn, for whatever movie Lydia, Allison and Erica had picked, came back and sat down in his armchair.
The bowl snatched right away by Erica and given from one to the other pack members. Pascal stood in the door way of the Loft, watching them arms crossed in front of her chest. She had been invited to the pack meeting, after the happenings with the Alpha pack and everyone had made it out safely, the pack regarded her as pack too. They had given her space, when she had asked for it. After the Alphas had killed her parents, to teach her whatever macabre lesson there was to learn. Which was probably why the werewolves didn't move or let her decide whether she was going to enter or not.
She bit her lip and felt her phone heavy in her pocket. On one hand she wanted it to stop hurting, wanted to feel the comfort of the others. On the other she felt that she was betraying her parents, by not morning them, by stopping to morn them. The blonde girl turned around and left the loft, sliding the door close behind her softly and making her way down the steps towards the lofts parking lot.
Picture perfect memories, scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone, 'cause I can't fight it any more
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me, it happens all the time
A safe distance away from any werewolf hearing, she pulled out the smartphone her father had bought her, for the A in math. And dialed the number of her mom's phone. The voicemail of her mother answering, her happy voice saying in soft notes, that she wasn't reachable and that you could leave a message. /And if this is you Pas honey, I love you. Just try it in a few minutes again.../ the blonde felt the lump in her throat getting bigger as she heard the signaling sound, for the recording to start.
"Mom... I know you won't hear this... but I miss you mom... I didn't mean for it to happen... it was all my fault... I'm not a heroine... I'm not a good person... I let you and dad die... and I'm sorry..." the voicemail ended abruptly but the blonde needed to say it, even if it would never be said again. "I loved you and dad more than anyone... You were my real mom and dad, I never felt 'adopted' or something. And I'm sorry for what happened, that we had to move ti Beacon Hills, that you had to go through all of this. You died heroes... and no one will ever know... No one will ever find out..." she cried dropping the phone to the asphalt, hearing how the screen cracked, as she started crying.
Needing to let her despair out she let out sobs. Which were quickly followed by screams, as the blonde fell to her knees, slamming her fists against the asphalt, breaking the skin with the force she was slamming them down. Her knuckles skin breaking and blood smearing over the dark stone, but it felt better than keeping it in. Then pretending that she was quietly working out, that she actually ever could work it out.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call, but I've lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now
"Pascal! Stop it..." her wrists were gripped tightly, her body jerking forward but held up by inhuman strength. "You're hurting yourself..." that was Erica's voice, but it wasn't Erica who was holding her hands. "I don't care anymore..." she said couldn't help it anymore, didn't want to stop the emotions from taking over her mind. "We do..." Erica knelt down next to her and her hands were slowly released, maybe they thought she wouldn't do something stupid, now that nearly the entire pack was outside with her.
"Oh really? You would have let me die with them if you cared..." she said, didn't mean to, didn't want to give the fault to anyone. Knew that it was the right thing her friends had done, that saving her life was what her parents had lost theirs for. But she felt oh-so empty and she couldn't hold it up anymore. "You don't mean that" her best friends voice sounded hurt and Pascal felt how the guilt just added to what was already squeezing around her heart.
"I can't go on without them... I just can't... I'm... they were my parents... and I'm alone now..." she let her head hang, because there was no energy in her anymore to uphold herself. "How did you go on...how... did you do it..." she asked, because Derek had been the one to hold her wrists. "How did you not lose your mind..." she squeezed her eyes shut, tears still streaming down her face. Breathing was more hiccuping than real breathing. Which shook her body every time she tried to take deeper breaths. The alphas had kept her mind running, the fear of losing her friends too, of losing her own life. But now, that she could sit there and think, everything was too much. She had thought that she could go back to the house. Because having their things around her, would give her feeling of not being alone. But it only had suffocated her, had drowned her deeper in the sorrow she was feeling.
Another shot of whiskey, can't stop lookin' at the door
Wishing you'd come sweepin' in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me, it happens all the time
"I had Laura..." Derek said and let his hand rest on her shoulder, the answer did nothing to stop the ache inside her. Because in the end, Derek had needed his sister, had shared the pain, so it wouldn't overwhelm him. "Why did they have to die? Why wasn't it me... they were good people... They were innocent..." it was a repeat of the thoughts she was having. /Why them? Why not me? They didn't deserve it! I did! It was my fault that they were there! If I had done what Ducelion wanted they would have been alive/ and so many more thoughts that spiraled down to her having created this mess.
"I killed my parents... It was me, my fault that they're dead now..." she said her body finally stopping to shake as realization hit her, her shoulders slumping. Voice empty of any emotions she could have felt. The tears didn't stop falling, but the feeling in her chest expanded moved, deformed itself into nothing but emptiness. Erica's arms wrapped around her and she was pulled around so her face was pressed against the other blonde's shoulder. But she didn't care anymore, she just saw them in front of her eyes, slashed throats, empty eyes.
All her fault.
She had never gotten the chance to tell her parents, that she had fallen in love. Who he was. She had never gotten the chance, to have them being proud of her. For being the second best in School, since Lydia was the best. Had never gotten the chance of going to one of her Dad's games. When his department played against the neighboring city departments. Or to let her mom teach her how she baked her apple pie. Her parents would never see her getting married, or graduating. There would always be two empty chairs from now on. An empty parent-bedroom and an empty kitchen. No one to go fishing with her anymore, or train on weekends. No more concerts, where her dad would clap the loudest, occasionally even whistling. To show how proud he was.
It had all been taken away from her, from them.
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call, but I've lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now
Eventually she fell asleep in Erica's arms, the skin beneath her eyes red and puffy. Tears streaks on her cheek and a pounding headache to go with it all. Just to wake up again, in a huge room, with curtains that stopped the sunlight from streaming in. Or at least tried to a thin stripe of light still passing through. She sat up in the huge bed, with the expensive looking blanket and bedsheets, her eyes trailing around the room, trying to find out where she was. Eventually falling onto her hands, which were in thick white bandages. Their sight bringing back the memories and her break down, which had showed her friends that she had lied at them all the time.
That nothing had been fine, that she wasn't fine. "Erica carried you in, last night after you broke down and fell asleep in her arms..." the voice was deep, but had something that was unmistakably Peter. "I guess this is your room..." she sounded as defeated as she felt. "Scott felt it was necessary to have an eye on you. And since you didn't want to go back home...", she looked up from her lap and searched in the darkness of the room to find a shadow at the far right.
"It is a whole new level of creepy for you to hide in the shadows... But I am fine... I can go home..." She could hear movements, steps coming closer and then light streamed through the windows. The amount, making her squint and hide her face behind her hands, until her eyes adjusted slowly to the light. Spots still dancing in front of her eyes, until it finally all settled into place. "I doubt that..."
"You said... when I'd ask you to kill me, it would have to be a better reason, than me wallowing in self-pity..." the conversation felt like it had been so many years ago, while it could have been yesterday. When Peter had tried to kill Kate and had succeeded, just for Derek to kill him. "This is me asking you, to finally end it..." not even seconds had passed and Peter was at her side, his fingers tight around her throat, not tight enough to stop her from breathing, but tight enough for her to feel uncomfortable.
Whoa-oh-whoa
Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call, but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now
I just need you now
"The circumstances have changed... never ask me that again..." he said and let go of her throat.
She bit down on her lip hard, closing her eyes and breathing in deeply through her nose. Before she moved to the side of the bed and slowly got down from it. "This was the only thing I asked of you... The only thing I would have ever asked for..." leaving the room, the blonde saw Erica and Derek in a heated discussion in the kitchen, immediately stopping it, when she was close enough to be able to hear something. "I wanna go home..." she told them, but Erica was having none of it.
"I talked to Scott and the others yesterday... and we think... You should stay here, with us..." Erica said, her hand firm on Pascal's shoulder, firm and yet kind. Pascal would never know how to describe it, the effect Erica was having on her. The feeling like she was in fact more than just a best friend, maybe family. But the word itself made her heart contract painfully. She had no family. Not anymore.
"I guess I have no say in this..." Erica tried for a smile, red lips curling a little upwards.
"Nope and the others are stopping by for another DVD marathon. Cause Stiles is still angry, that Scott hasn't seen Star Wars or was it Star Trek?" the blonde frowned and Pascal shrugged, she had seen none of the two.
Oh, baby, I need you now