Dedicated to 0637on Tumblr, abyssobrotulaCronos on AO3
Pairing: GrimmRen, hinted IchiRuki as well as hints to other minor pairings.
Theme: Modern AU, Implied Mpreg.
This story is GrimmRen-centric, but mostly told from Ichigo's perspective
They were best friends and had been for at least a decade. Grimmjow was the jackass who tried to get into everybody's pants and almost succeeded (he had a success rate of 98%), Renji was the Idiot who was forever looking for love in the wrongest places, getting friend zoned, and drunk as hell every other weekend nursing a heartbreak, while Ichigo was the mediator, and it was a known fact that when their orange friend got angry… like really REALY angry then shit would hit the fan.
They had their own messed up issues such as the fact that Ichigo was secretly dating Renji's first love that also happened to be the only female Renji had ever loved, the same violent midget that had broken the redheads' heart. She hadn't even cushioned the blow but instead told Renji plainly that he was like a brother to her, to be fair she did say he was the best brother she had ever had…. Not that it helped.
Grimmjow was such a womanizing promiscuous scum that Ichigo and Renji were sure he had banged all the nurses in his department, both male and female. Sometimes they think the only reason Grimmjow became a surgeon was so he could choose his own nurses… all of which coincidentally happened to either be a brunette or a redhead. Ichigo didn't even want to analyze that little fact; he could already feel the headache he would get if he tried to understand it.
-0-
Renji was currently dating some hulk of a man – Kenpachi was his name, Ichigo didn't even want to know how they met, he knew it wouldn't last long. No one however, knew why the hell Grimmjow seemed to demand a fight with the said giant whenever the two met, Renji had once mentioned that Kenpachi was into Kendo. It was a big mistake on his path because Grimmjow had undoubtedly took it upon himself to make sure that his best friend wasn't dating some pathetic loser, as if Kenpachi's appearance wasn't more than enough to show how badass and frankly dangerous as hell he was. in Ichigo's opinion, Renji should just put up a sign that said 'my boyfriend is a Yakuza boss'.
As far as Ichigo could tell, Grimmjow had ALWAYS had an issue with everyone Renji was interested in, even those the redhead had the even slightest interest in. But he had rounded it up to Grimmjow wanting the best for Renji, and really Ichigo could relate; as his best friend and almost like a brother, made terrible choices when it came to lovers. Of course, Ichigo didn't mind that Renji was gay and dated exclusively males. Leaving in an apartment with Grimmjow meant hearing things you really didn't want to hear, and Ichigo could swear that Grimmjow's phone bill was almost the same amount as their rent. Thanks to Grimmjow, Ichigo NEVER did phone sex, and rarely called people; mostly if it was a male. He had heard sounds no guy should ever make on the phone and had been scarred for life, besides text messages were just as effective anyway.
Back to the topic at hand, which was Renji's new boyfriend. This was Renji's first relationship which had lasted more than six months and didn't seem to be a disaster… well, not as much as his other relationships (Including those that were one-sided). It wasn't that the red head was a bad guy, he wasn't a cheat, and he was the kind of person who treated whoever he was dating like they were the most precious being in the whole universe, heck he would change for his lover. It was just that he dated the wrong people; they all Either seemed to hate Grimmjow… which was a big deal seeing as they all lived under one roof. Or didn't like his tattoos (Byakuya most especially) or thought he was a freak for having both male and female organs (He was a surgeon and had friends who could do a corrective surgery on him so he could be purely male), Honestly neither Ichigo or Grimmjow minded, seeing as Renji kind of looked like a cross between a chick and a dude (no offence to androgynous people). By Renji's standards, Kenpachi was one of the best lovers Renji had ever introduced them too, now if only Grimmjow would stop growling at the giant whenever they met.
It wasn't until one night when Renji came back shit-faced drunk, and by that Ichigo meant 'holy shit I think my fingers have fallen off and are dancing' kind of drunk, that Ichigo finally placed the pieces together.
"Hey babe, you okay?" Grimmjow asked, lifting up his almost unconscious best friend/roommate.
Hint 1
Really, Ichigo didn't find anything wrong with Grimmjow calling Renji things like Babe, Honey, Love, Princess or even Cookie. He thought it was a gay thing or simply Grimmjow being a flirtatious ass.
"Gr..Grimmy… Pachi *sniff*... Pachi.." Renji drunkenly slurred, trying to form a coherent sentence without crying but clearly failing at it, of course he didn't notice Grimmjow's twitching eyebrows at the mention of his boyfriend… sorry, ex-boyfriends name, Ichigo did though. And suddenly he felt as though he was having some major epiphany!
"Shh, it's okay babe. Tell me what the bastard did and I will make sure he doesn't live to see tomorrow." Grimmjow spoke soothingly. How he managed to sound that calming even though he looked like a deranged serial killer about to go on a rampage was beyond Ichigo's comprehension, never the less he kept watching the two. There was something off, it was just there, within his grip… he just couldn't place it.
"Pachi, broke up with me."
Really now, I didn't see that coming. And seriously how come you could say that sentence coherently? Ichigo thought dryly.
"That son of a bitch did what? Don't cry over him Ren, you can do better. Way better."
"He *sniff*, Pachi said the same thing too… they… they all say the same thing, how come I can't find that better person? I'm I that horrible?"
Ichigo was starting to think that maybe Renji wasn't so disastrously drunk after all, seeing as his slurring weren't as bad as it was before, maybe it was the red face filled with tears that made him look like shit earlier, not the alcohol.
"Hey, hey, look at me babe... You're perfect. Come on let's get you cleaned up."
HINT 2
Ichigo was beginning to wonder why it was always Grimmjow that got Renji cleaned up, bathed and even carried as well as tucked him in bed, whenever the redhead was drunk or heartbroken… which was pretty much the same thing. No really, he had never bathed Renji, or dressed him or tucked him in bed after a bad break up, and he'd known Renji even longer than he'd known Grimmjow. Was it really a gay thing because Ichigo was starting to feel skeptical about this whole 'only Grimmjow gets to comfort Renji' arrangement, not that he wanted to do all that to Renji, just that it was rather suspicious.
After Renji had fallen asleep Ichigo was treated to the usual – Grimmjow rants and explicit threats on what he would like to do to Renji's ex, for some reason most of them involved castration… with a dull or red hot blade. Sadly Grimmjows threats were so explicit that Ichigo regretted being a surgeon as he clearly understood every procedure Grimmjow had painstakingly described. Perhaps it was time he considered a career change.
-0-
There were times Ichigo thought, 'I would have been gay', Renji had been his first and only male crush, and Grimmjow did not count because he was the same person that made him straight as a rod. When they were 17 and had their first part time job, Ichigo would sometime imagine his and Renji's wedding, in all of them Renji was in a long wedding dress. The only reason he even knew what Renji looked like in a long dress was because Grimmjow (who else did you expect) had dared Renji to put on a female attire. Which Renji had done without much complaint. It was an image that even after 7yrs he still couldn't forget.
-0-
Being in love with an oblivious idiot for eight fucking years was a bitch, Grimmjow would tell you that, he'd known Renji since they were 15, and been in love with him since he was 17, and really there were times Grimmjow wanted to smack the red head in the face, kiss him silly then fuck his brains out. It really didn't help that they lived in the same apartment or that he got to see Renji half naked lots of times but couldn't do anything about it. He wondered who was more stupid, Renji or Ichigo? If Ichigo thought he was hiding his relationship with the midget then he was seriously deceiving himself. The first clue was the midgets perfume on him; the perfume Renji had bought for Rukia, the same perfume he had help Renji pick for the damn midget!
-0-
Grimmjow and Renji had this thing where the day after Renji's breakup, Grimmjow would take an unannounced break from work (The hospital had somewhat gotten used to two of its best surgeons skipping work often) and would dedicate the whole day to Renji
HINT F**KING 3
"Holy shit you're in love with him!" Ichigo had blurted out two days after Renji's breakup with Kenpachi, he was expecting a reaction… any reaction from Grimmjow but all he got was a red-faced and utterly confused Renji (Ichigo really should have picked a better time for his epiphany, he blamed it on Renji though; the redhead should have taken the week off, like every normal heart broken person would) and a raised eyebrow from Grimmjow. There was no denial though.
"Wow, it took you that long to figure that out, some fucking genius you are." Grimmjow replied dryly, ignoring Renji spluttering in the background.
"How? You didn't say anything… Holy shit Byakuya wasn't lying? Rukia wasn't lying? Neither was Hisagi, Joe, Seiichi, Koji…"
"Can it princess! I sure as hell don't want to hear you list the names of all your exes."
"Wow, in a weird, fucked up way it all makes sense. Shit I should have known, then damn sex toy you gave him last year, the home made chocolate you gave him the year before, the trip to Paris, the…"
"Shut it Kurosaki! Or I'll tell him about your girlfriend" Grimmjow barked, Ichigo of course kept quiet immediately.
"Wait, Ichigo has a girlfriend?" Renji asked turning to Grimmjow. "How come you didn't tell me? You always tell me stuff."
'Another hint I should have seen' Ichigo mumbled underneath his breath, Grimmjow glared at him in response.
After the whole Grimmjow admitting he has been pining over one of his best friends for almost one fucking decade, Ichigo half expected things to change between them, he half expects awkward moments, and for a while there is, the problem is that Renji is too damn dependent on Grimmjow and Grimmjow can magically sense whenever Renji needs something and is always there to help Renji. It's a weird co-dependence thing. That neither minds nor, feel uncomfortable with apparently, it just pisses Ichigo off because he hadn't realized it till now.
-0-
A few months later the two are dating and Ichigo sorely regrets ever opening his mouth, heck he wishes the whole epiphany thing never happened, because now there are sounds coming from Grimmjow's room that he wishes he could block out, one question remains in his head though 'how had the damned bed not collapsed by now?' All that shaking and pounding and… oh Kami-sama, he desperately needs to bleach his brains.
Fast forward a few months and Renji announces that he's pregnant, Grimmjow doesn't seem surprised, Ichigo gives him THAT look and all the bluenette does is shrug and responds with "condom fucking broke". And really Ichigo believes him because considering all the pounding, the screeching of the bed against the tiled floor, Renji's constant 'Oh-God, yes… fuck Grimmjow' Ichigo can see the whole condom breaking thing happening.
"I saw that coming."
-0-
It's funny how neither of the three had noticed that Renji was pregnant, till he collapsed during a cesarean surgery he was performing. That was the major hint that alerted them that something was definitely wrong with Renji; seeing as both Ichigo and Grimmjow were squeamish at the thought of pregnancy fluids… but Renji? Not so much. He hadn't even batted an eyelash during his first surgery. As always Grimmjow's 'Renji senses' noticed something's wrong and like the surgeon who had absolutely no manners or discretion, he badges in, interrupts the operation on seeing his unconscious lover, carries Renji out, takes him to one of the physicians and threatens the poor guy to an inch of his life, if he doesn't run every possible test on Renji.
Still, No one should be that calm after hearing that their male (Well Ichigo would always consider Renji to be a guy, even though technically he is both male and female) lover of three months is suddenly 7 weeks pregnant. He had expected Grimmjow to be a bit freaked out. Renji was, but Ichigo associated it to being a Renji thing. When Ichigo asked Grimmjow the reply he got was "We already live together, I would do almost anything for him, we can convert his bedroom into the kid's room, my room is pretty much his room. I've waited 8yrs for his ass; I'm not fucking leaving him because of some fucking kid!" Ichigo had to admit it did make sense; they were pretty much a married couple even before they started dating. Now if only Grimmjow could tell that to Renji so the damned bastard could stop fidgeting and distracting him so much.
-0-
Ichigo doesn't know a lot of pregnant people, frankly the only pregnant people he knows are Renji's patent and he barely knows them, still he didn't think pregnant people would be this HORNY. There is NOTHING as horrifying as the two people you consider your best friends, heck they were his brothers, which was why it was traumatizing hearing all these sounds.
"Grimmm… harder… Fuck, please don't stop."
"You like that don't you Princess? You're such a fucking slut… tell me what you want"
"Fuck, don't tease me…please don't stop… Grimmjow…"
Ichigo was starting to think the pregnancy thing might not have been an accident after all; Grimmjow was enjoying this way too much. Seriously he loved them, and he would do anything for them, but hearing the two go at it like fucking bunnies in heat was downright horrifying and at the same time confusing as hell. It wasn't even just the disturbing sex sounds coming from Grimmjow's room (okay, Ichigo would admit that was part of it), it was the phone sex, the buzzing of the vibrators Renji used when Grimmjow was at the hospital during his night shifts. It was hearing Renji's moans in the middle of the night and waking up with a damn boner!
So, it was no surprise when Ichigo was the happiest person when the kid was born. Ichigo would however like to note that the two of them were absolutely terrible at picking baby names, at least Grimmjow was honest about it and had brought out a list of names the baby shouldn't be called depending on the gender (They hadn't want to find out the gender of the kid, until the birth) the list of NOT-NAMES were:
Rukia
Byakuya
Kenpachi
Hisagi
Seiichi
Joe
Koji
Kakei
Ichigo could understand why Grimmjow had stressed the importance of the kid's name not being one of them. In the end Ichigo had picked the name Youichi Abarai-Jaegerjaquez for the kid, it was better than Zabimaru (Renji's choice) or Panthera (Grimmjow's choice). The baby boy looked too much like Grimmjow in Ichigo's opinion... Even though no one asked. Ichigo hoped he wouldn't be like his dad who waited 8 years to tell the guy he loved how he felt; even though the guy was already practically dependent on him, even though they were already like a married couple, even though Renji's name was listed everywhere on Grimmjow's will.
-0-
At the end watching Grimmjow, play with Renji's hair, while the little brat laid on Renji's chest surrounded by toys the kid was too young to use, the sun reflecting off the silver ring on Renji's finger. Ichigo couldn't help but think that all is well that end well… Yeah, he is sentimental like that.
He also thinks that now would be a great time to tell Renji he is dating Rukia.