Title: Decisions
Author: Autumn Rain
Email: jaghrsm@aol.com
Rating: R
Feedback: Feedback is appreciated. Praise and constructive criticism is
welcomed.
JAG Headquarters 1400 hours
Everyone had been avoiding the tall commander. Lt. Singer had reported back for duty the day before and had been seen in his office. A few minutes later she came out with an angry look on her face, and since then he had been in a foul mood. Even Bud who was back on temporary duty didn't dare enter or knock on his office door. The scuttlebutt was running wild about what the short conversation between Singer and Rabb had been about. Bud had just given a file to Mac to take to the Commander. If anyone could get to the bottom of this, he thought it would have to be her. Besides he didn't even want to consider facing the agitated Commander. *Knock Knock* "Enter" came a terse reply to Mac's light tapping on his door. She entered and secured the door behind her. "Care to tell me why even Bud is afraid to come and deliver this file H. Commander." The use of his name turning into his rank at the look on his face. "Thank you for the file Colonel. I believe you can find your way out?" He briefly glared at her before snatching the file out of her hands and returning his eyes to the file before him. Mac ignored him and sat down in the chair in front of his desk. She could see he was visibly upset. The pen in his hand was shaking. It was so unlike him. His hands were usually rock steady, no matter what situation they found themselves in. The only time she ever remembered his hands shaking was when they had found out his father was buried somewhere in the Taiga. She had gone up to him as he said his goodbyes and he had grabbed her hand. She could still remember the way his large hand shook in her small one. Something was not right here. What could Singer have said to him? She didn't believe one of the more outrageous pieces of scuttlebutt that had him involved in an affair with Singer which he broke off and Singer was going to press charges saying he used command influence to take advantage of her. "Colonel, I would appreciate your leaving I have paperwork to get done." He told her in clipped tones. Two metal Colonels' oak leaves clanked and bounced onto the file spread out on his desk. "Message received Mac," Harm sighed, "Not here, okay? Supper tonight, I'll cook?" He pleaded. His gruff demeanor dropped at her insistence and smile she offered him. "Deal, but I will bring the food, pizza?" "Yeah, and a twelve pack" Harm mumbled, and then remembered who exactly was sitting across from him. "Sorry Mac" he said. "Harm, it doesn't bother me, but I know the hard way drowning in alcohol isn't a great way to deal with your problems" Mac replied lightly.
"Yes, tonight, okay?" Harm asked again. His eyes begging her to let it drop for now. It was taking every ounce of his control not to scream, cry, hunt Singer down and throttle her. Mac stood up and despite the blinds in Harm's office being open, she leaned over and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Their eyes meeting and holding on to the silent comfort being offered and accepted.
North of Union Station 1800 hours
He was half dreading her arrival and half wishing she would get here. He had spent the day trying to come up with the words to tell her what had happened. He knew she would be upset when he had kept the identity of the father of Singer's child a secret when he had found out back on board the Seahawk. She had a right to, he had kept her out of the loop of what had been her investigation, not that real identity of Singer's child's father had been important once it had been established she was pregnant prior to arriving aboard ship. The identity had not even been at issue at that point, once any one aboard had been cleared. That he had not only stepped onto her investigation, but didn't inform her of his findings, was something he was worried about, although it didn't even compare to the turmoil Singer's decision had brought upon him. "Harm? You there?" Mac called. Her repeated knocking not having brought him to the door, she tested the door knob and found it open. She set the pizza down on his table and walked to his side, looking out his window. "Anything interesting out there?" She teased him, but the smile fading from her face at the look on his face. There was a tense silence in the room and she didn't know what to say to the troubled man in front of her. She reached out and started rubbing small circles on his back without thinking and took reassurance at his leaning slightly back into her hand. "What is it Harm? What is wrong?" Mac asked. He was silent for a moment as he gathered himself, and tried to get rid of the lump in his throat that the words he was about to say brought. "Remember your 'investigation' on the Seahawk? Singer?" He answered her question with one of his own. "Yes." Mac replied cautiously. Despite her knowing that her partner wouldn't have become involved with Singer and the regulations against such a relationship not the foremost reason, part of her couldn't help but be suspicious, Singer was sort of his type, blond and all. The thought even disgusted her, she knew him better than that, but after years of seeing him with other women, she couldn't help the thought. "Harm, you.. You didn't. I mean you aren't." The words came out of her mouth before she could stop them. Harm gave a disbelieving snort. "Mac, I do hope you think better of me than. than that." His eyes briefly wide with horror and amusement as he speculated that thought and Mac's reaction to it. The look quickly fading as Mac gave an embarrassed grin. "It would be much simpler though if it were the truth." He stated, and then fell quiet again, retreating back to gazing out the window. "I could actually do something then." "Okay Harm, you better take this from the top." Mac said, feeling for him because she knew that if he cared about something and it seemed out of his control to help or fix, he didn't deal with that well at all. Taking a shaky breath in, Harm let it come out in a tumble, "Sergei is, was the father of Singer's baby. She wouldn't tell him, she didn't actually admit it to me until the other day. I knew anyway, but then it was too late. She had an abortion. She killed my niece or nephew." There was a stunned silence as Mac digested his words. The fact that Sergei had slept with Singer was enough to cause a doubletake, but the fact that Singer had an abortion didn't startle her in the least. The thing that really bothered her though was how Harm was taking all of it. She could understand his sense of loss. She knew Harm really loved children, but it really wasn't any of his business. She felt that Singer should have tried to contact Sergei, but in the end it was her body, it was her decision. "Harm, she should have told Sergei, but like you said it is over. I can imagine how you feel," she said, while an inner voice told her she could more easily understand how Singer felt. She opened her mouth to continue, but Harm interrupted. "She didn't have to have an abortion. She could have given the child to my brother, put him or her up for adoption, or. or." his voice faltered, but Mac finished his thought. "Or she could have given him or her to you to raise?" she asked, once again, finding herself shocked and blessed over his sense of honor. "Yeah, Mac. I would have. The child deserved a chance at life. Don't tell me you don't think that all children at least deserve that much?" His words cut her deep, as deep as his careless words over how the men in her life all ended up dead or wishing they were. As close as they were, as much as they had shared about their different yet equally as painful childhoods and pasts, there were still some things she had left out about her younger years. For instance, the abortion she had just prior to the accident that changed the course of her life. His words brought her back to that time, to that painful decision and the consequences that she lived with every day since. She swallowed against the memories and looked at him. "Harm, I know that her decision hurt you, but you weren't the father. Honestly it is none of your business even though Sergie is your brother. I don't think it was right of her not to tell Sergei what was going on, to talk to him about the options she felt were available, that is, was despicable, but when it gets right down to it, I do believe that it is a woman's choice to do what she feels is necessary. I know you would have welcomed this child into your life, your family, regardless who its mother was, but, and this sounds harsh, but what is done is done." She couldn't help the tears that had started to flow from her eyes. Her heart went out to Harm even though she didn't agree with his position on the issue, he had enough hurts in his life and she didn't have much sympathy for anything or anyone who added any more. She was also crying for Singer whom she believed had the right to do as she saw necessary, but still knew the turmoil that Singer was probably going through and would continue to do so, if there was anything human left in Singer which she seriously had doubts about. She also let the tears fall for the child she never had, that she knew probably would have suffered the effects of her drinking had she choose to carry to term and either raise or give up for adoption. Those tears mirrored the ones now falling freely from Harm whom all could do now was ask, "Why Mac? How could she kill a child? What kind of monster could do such a thing?" They sought comfort in each other's embrace and after a few moments of holding each other while the tears cried themselves out, Mac stepped back. "Not everyone believes that a fetus is a child Harm, so it isn't a matter of committing murder to those who feel that way. They don't feel that they are terminating a life. Some don't believe that a fetus is a child until it has been born. Some probably don't even think about it that much, but just feel that since it is the woman's body that goes through all the changes pregnancy involves that it should be her right to decide if she wants to go through with a pregnancy if she finds herself in that position." She tried to explain. He took a moment to digest her words and determining her position on the issue and then placed his hand on her lower belly. She was too shocked to move. "So, in a year, when AJ turns five, and the time comes for us to fulfill our deal, when you are carrying our child here," he pressed his hand gently against her, "you won't feel that it is a life we created that you are carrying? If a few weeks into it, you decide you want out of our deal, would you be able to make the decision to end the life of our ch.our fetus, as you put it, and then tell me after the deed was done?" his voice dropping to a whisper as tears started to fall from his eyes again.
JAG Headquarters 1400 hours
Everyone had been avoiding the tall commander. Lt. Singer had reported back for duty the day before and had been seen in his office. A few minutes later she came out with an angry look on her face, and since then he had been in a foul mood. Even Bud who was back on temporary duty didn't dare enter or knock on his office door. The scuttlebutt was running wild about what the short conversation between Singer and Rabb had been about. Bud had just given a file to Mac to take to the Commander. If anyone could get to the bottom of this, he thought it would have to be her. Besides he didn't even want to consider facing the agitated Commander. *Knock Knock* "Enter" came a terse reply to Mac's light tapping on his door. She entered and secured the door behind her. "Care to tell me why even Bud is afraid to come and deliver this file H. Commander." The use of his name turning into his rank at the look on his face. "Thank you for the file Colonel. I believe you can find your way out?" He briefly glared at her before snatching the file out of her hands and returning his eyes to the file before him. Mac ignored him and sat down in the chair in front of his desk. She could see he was visibly upset. The pen in his hand was shaking. It was so unlike him. His hands were usually rock steady, no matter what situation they found themselves in. The only time she ever remembered his hands shaking was when they had found out his father was buried somewhere in the Taiga. She had gone up to him as he said his goodbyes and he had grabbed her hand. She could still remember the way his large hand shook in her small one. Something was not right here. What could Singer have said to him? She didn't believe one of the more outrageous pieces of scuttlebutt that had him involved in an affair with Singer which he broke off and Singer was going to press charges saying he used command influence to take advantage of her. "Colonel, I would appreciate your leaving I have paperwork to get done." He told her in clipped tones. Two metal Colonels' oak leaves clanked and bounced onto the file spread out on his desk. "Message received Mac," Harm sighed, "Not here, okay? Supper tonight, I'll cook?" He pleaded. His gruff demeanor dropped at her insistence and smile she offered him. "Deal, but I will bring the food, pizza?" "Yeah, and a twelve pack" Harm mumbled, and then remembered who exactly was sitting across from him. "Sorry Mac" he said. "Harm, it doesn't bother me, but I know the hard way drowning in alcohol isn't a great way to deal with your problems" Mac replied lightly.
"Yes, tonight, okay?" Harm asked again. His eyes begging her to let it drop for now. It was taking every ounce of his control not to scream, cry, hunt Singer down and throttle her. Mac stood up and despite the blinds in Harm's office being open, she leaned over and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Their eyes meeting and holding on to the silent comfort being offered and accepted.
North of Union Station 1800 hours
He was half dreading her arrival and half wishing she would get here. He had spent the day trying to come up with the words to tell her what had happened. He knew she would be upset when he had kept the identity of the father of Singer's child a secret when he had found out back on board the Seahawk. She had a right to, he had kept her out of the loop of what had been her investigation, not that real identity of Singer's child's father had been important once it had been established she was pregnant prior to arriving aboard ship. The identity had not even been at issue at that point, once any one aboard had been cleared. That he had not only stepped onto her investigation, but didn't inform her of his findings, was something he was worried about, although it didn't even compare to the turmoil Singer's decision had brought upon him. "Harm? You there?" Mac called. Her repeated knocking not having brought him to the door, she tested the door knob and found it open. She set the pizza down on his table and walked to his side, looking out his window. "Anything interesting out there?" She teased him, but the smile fading from her face at the look on his face. There was a tense silence in the room and she didn't know what to say to the troubled man in front of her. She reached out and started rubbing small circles on his back without thinking and took reassurance at his leaning slightly back into her hand. "What is it Harm? What is wrong?" Mac asked. He was silent for a moment as he gathered himself, and tried to get rid of the lump in his throat that the words he was about to say brought. "Remember your 'investigation' on the Seahawk? Singer?" He answered her question with one of his own. "Yes." Mac replied cautiously. Despite her knowing that her partner wouldn't have become involved with Singer and the regulations against such a relationship not the foremost reason, part of her couldn't help but be suspicious, Singer was sort of his type, blond and all. The thought even disgusted her, she knew him better than that, but after years of seeing him with other women, she couldn't help the thought. "Harm, you.. You didn't. I mean you aren't." The words came out of her mouth before she could stop them. Harm gave a disbelieving snort. "Mac, I do hope you think better of me than. than that." His eyes briefly wide with horror and amusement as he speculated that thought and Mac's reaction to it. The look quickly fading as Mac gave an embarrassed grin. "It would be much simpler though if it were the truth." He stated, and then fell quiet again, retreating back to gazing out the window. "I could actually do something then." "Okay Harm, you better take this from the top." Mac said, feeling for him because she knew that if he cared about something and it seemed out of his control to help or fix, he didn't deal with that well at all. Taking a shaky breath in, Harm let it come out in a tumble, "Sergei is, was the father of Singer's baby. She wouldn't tell him, she didn't actually admit it to me until the other day. I knew anyway, but then it was too late. She had an abortion. She killed my niece or nephew." There was a stunned silence as Mac digested his words. The fact that Sergei had slept with Singer was enough to cause a doubletake, but the fact that Singer had an abortion didn't startle her in the least. The thing that really bothered her though was how Harm was taking all of it. She could understand his sense of loss. She knew Harm really loved children, but it really wasn't any of his business. She felt that Singer should have tried to contact Sergei, but in the end it was her body, it was her decision. "Harm, she should have told Sergei, but like you said it is over. I can imagine how you feel," she said, while an inner voice told her she could more easily understand how Singer felt. She opened her mouth to continue, but Harm interrupted. "She didn't have to have an abortion. She could have given the child to my brother, put him or her up for adoption, or. or." his voice faltered, but Mac finished his thought. "Or she could have given him or her to you to raise?" she asked, once again, finding herself shocked and blessed over his sense of honor. "Yeah, Mac. I would have. The child deserved a chance at life. Don't tell me you don't think that all children at least deserve that much?" His words cut her deep, as deep as his careless words over how the men in her life all ended up dead or wishing they were. As close as they were, as much as they had shared about their different yet equally as painful childhoods and pasts, there were still some things she had left out about her younger years. For instance, the abortion she had just prior to the accident that changed the course of her life. His words brought her back to that time, to that painful decision and the consequences that she lived with every day since. She swallowed against the memories and looked at him. "Harm, I know that her decision hurt you, but you weren't the father. Honestly it is none of your business even though Sergie is your brother. I don't think it was right of her not to tell Sergei what was going on, to talk to him about the options she felt were available, that is, was despicable, but when it gets right down to it, I do believe that it is a woman's choice to do what she feels is necessary. I know you would have welcomed this child into your life, your family, regardless who its mother was, but, and this sounds harsh, but what is done is done." She couldn't help the tears that had started to flow from her eyes. Her heart went out to Harm even though she didn't agree with his position on the issue, he had enough hurts in his life and she didn't have much sympathy for anything or anyone who added any more. She was also crying for Singer whom she believed had the right to do as she saw necessary, but still knew the turmoil that Singer was probably going through and would continue to do so, if there was anything human left in Singer which she seriously had doubts about. She also let the tears fall for the child she never had, that she knew probably would have suffered the effects of her drinking had she choose to carry to term and either raise or give up for adoption. Those tears mirrored the ones now falling freely from Harm whom all could do now was ask, "Why Mac? How could she kill a child? What kind of monster could do such a thing?" They sought comfort in each other's embrace and after a few moments of holding each other while the tears cried themselves out, Mac stepped back. "Not everyone believes that a fetus is a child Harm, so it isn't a matter of committing murder to those who feel that way. They don't feel that they are terminating a life. Some don't believe that a fetus is a child until it has been born. Some probably don't even think about it that much, but just feel that since it is the woman's body that goes through all the changes pregnancy involves that it should be her right to decide if she wants to go through with a pregnancy if she finds herself in that position." She tried to explain. He took a moment to digest her words and determining her position on the issue and then placed his hand on her lower belly. She was too shocked to move. "So, in a year, when AJ turns five, and the time comes for us to fulfill our deal, when you are carrying our child here," he pressed his hand gently against her, "you won't feel that it is a life we created that you are carrying? If a few weeks into it, you decide you want out of our deal, would you be able to make the decision to end the life of our ch.our fetus, as you put it, and then tell me after the deed was done?" his voice dropping to a whisper as tears started to fall from his eyes again.