"The New Nurse in Town"
by Shell
Disclaimer: I do not own in any character or plot line from the TV show M*A*S*H. They all belong to Twentieth Century Fox. I also do not make any money off of this story; you know the drill. Thanks for reading this story; I hope you like it.
Author's Note: If you read my last story, you were introduced to a character named Lt. Miranda Johnson. Please remember that in this story, Miranda does NOT exist. It will be a lot less confusing. Thanks!
Major Margaret Houlihan was standing in the 4077th M*A*S*H main office, wringing her hands. "Colonel, you know I hate to leave on such short notice, but these nurses' conferences in Tokyo is mandatory, and I-"
Colonel Sherman Potter held up a hand. "Don't worry, Major. I'm sure everything will go as smoothly as possible without you for two weeks."
Margaret nodded. "Did Radar give you all the instructions I made for my nurses?"
Potter nodded. "Yes, Major-"
"And the duty roster for the next two weeks?"
"Yes, Major, I did. As a matter of fact, I called HQ when you told me you had to leave, and they were nice enough to-"
Margaret interrupted again. "And, Colonel, with all due respect, try not to let Pierce and Hunnicutt allow their influences to rub off on my girls. I'm afraid without a leader with discipline; my nurses will begin to falter in O.R. And then where would that leave us?"
Potter frowned deeply. "Major, if you would allow me to finish, I would be able to tell you that HQ is sending us one of their best nurses to take over for you while you're gone. A Major Carter. She should be here any moment."
Margaret's eyes widened slightly. "You got a replacement, Colonel? I see. Well, I hope she can rise to somewhere close to my standards."
Potter nodded. "I hope so too, Major. I hear she's one of the best. Radar!" He looked up to see the company clerk already standing inside the office. Potter sighed. The young clerk was always one step ahead of him. It was a theory that Radar O'Reilly could read minds, and Potter was beginning to believe it.
"Is Major Houlihan's jeep here yet?"
Radar shook his head. "No sir, but it just passed the last checkpoint. It should be here any moment. And I took the liberty of putting the Major's bags in the office so I can load them onto the jeep."
"Thank you, Corporal," Margaret said with a nod. She turned to leave, but the office doors suddenly swung open to reveal Captains Hawkeye Pierce and B.J. Hunnicutt, both of their faces beaming.
Margaret scowled. "What do you two want?"
Hawkeye grinned broadly. "We just wanted to see you off, Margaret. We brought something for your liver. Beej?" B.J. presented a bottle and martini glasses, pouring a drink for each of them. Radar passed on his drink with a small shake of his head. "Radar wants to come out of this war with innocent organs, Beej," Hawkeye said with a smile.
Hawkeye held up his glass in a toast. "To Margaret, may she have a safe and interesting trip in Tokyo. And to the rest of us who you are leaving behind, that this rare period of peace last forever."
B.J. nodded. "Here, here. Margaret, with you leaving, one can only think of your good qualities. If I could think of any, I'd mention them."
Margaret opened her mouth to respond, but Radar jumped in. "Jeep's in the compound." He rushed out of the office, leaving everyone else silent.
"That's funny," B.J. remarked. "I don't hear anything."
"That's Radar's gift," Hawkeye replied. "It's his special power. Don't you know that little leprechauns are magical?"
Radar stuck his head back in the office. "Your jeep's ready, Major. You better hurry, though. Your plane leaves for Tokyo in an hour."
Margaret nodded and turned to Potter. "Goodbye, Colonel. I hope my temporary replacement works out well." She glanced at B.J. and Hawkeye. "Goodbye, children." She turned and stormed out of the office.
Hawkeye rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Replacement? Colonel, have you been hiding something from us?"
"Don't you trust us, Colonel?" B.J. asked innocently. "I try to think of us as a family."
"One that tells us when a new member is about to come," Hawkeye added. "Now we have no time to prepare."
"That's exactly why I didn't let you too know about this," Potter said. "Who knows what torture you two would have up your sleeves if you had time to think about it? So please, be somewhat civil to this nurse. She has to last two weeks, you know. HQ says she's as strict on military protocol as Major Houlihan is."
Hawkeye groaned. "Another Margaret? I thought this was going to be a vacation, Colonel. I don't think I could take another beating by army gibberish."
"I'm beginning to get bruises," B.J. muttered.
Potter shrugged. "I had no say in it, Pierce. I asked for a replacement, and HQ gave me Major Carter. We'll just have to live with it for two weeks. So children, please, play nice."
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Company clerk Radar O'Reilly stood outside and watched as Major Houlihan's jeep disappeared in the distance. He took a deep breath and exhaled, glad to be free of the Major's iron fist for even a little while. He was about to head back into his office when he heard the sound of a second jeep come from behind him.
Radar turned as the jeep stopped in front of him, and he immediately noticed the woman sitting in the backseat of the jeep. She wore the simple green uniform everyone in M*A*S*H units wore instead of the brown formal traveling uniform. She tucked a book she had been reading into one of her bags and hopped out of the jeep. Grabbing the rest of her things, she thanked the driver and the jeep drove off.
Radar quickly approached. "Welcome to the 4077th, Major Carter," he said. "I can take your things to the VIP tent so you can get settled in."
She smiled slightly and shook her head. "Corporal, fortunately, I'm not Major Carter."
Radar's eyes widened. Apparently, the wrong nurse had been sent to the 4077th. That meant the right nurse was somewhere where she wasn't supposed to be, and he knew exactly who would be blamed for the mix up: him.
"Oh no," he moaned. "How is this fortunate? Colonel Potter's gonna kill me! What am I gonna do?"
She chuckled. "Corporal, slow down. You're going to run yourself clean into the ground. Everything's all right. Major Carter came down with the flu. HQ sent me instead. You should consider yourself lucky, though. Carter's a witch." She held out a hand. "Captain Claire Morgan, it's a pleasure."
Radar nodded and shook her hand. "Radar O'Reilly. Colonel Potter should still be in his office. He'll probably want to hear this." He gestured in the office's direction. "I'll take you there."
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Hawkeye and B.J. still sat in Potter's office, sharing drinks with the Colonel. Hawkeye seemed to study his half-empty glass of gin when he asked. "So what do you think our nurse will look like?"
"She'll probably be old," B.J. said. "You know, around…ninety. And her voice will be the sound of a songbird drowning in hot tar."
"And it's a voice we'll be hearing a lot," Hawkeye said with a sigh. "I can't help but cringe at the thought of her wrinkles moving when she speaks." He shuddered.
Potter nodded as he sipped from his glass. "She's probably going to have a lot of problems with this nuthouse. I don't think I can live through the whining."
"Nuthouse?" Hawkeye asked, aghast. "Colonel, this may be a nuthouse to you, but for us, it's home."
Radar suddenly burst into the office, causing them all to jump. "Colonel, Major Carter's here, but it's not really her."
Potter narrowed his eyes. "What else could she possibly be, Radar?"
"Captain Claire Morgan, sir." He stepped aside and allowed a woman to enter the office. Hawkeye could feel his eyes widen as he looked at her. She was tall and slender, with deep blue-gray eyes and gold blonde hair that was pulled back. But what Hawkeye couldn't brake his gaze from was her face. She was lovely, with smooth skin and a bright aura about her. He could tell this was going to be a great two weeks, indeed.
Hawkeye rose and shook her hand. "Captain, I'm Hawkeye Pierce, and this is B.J. Hunnicutt, your friendly surgeons. Claire, that's such a lovely name. How was your trip?"
She was about to respond when Colonel Potter interrupted. "Captain, I'm Colonel Potter, CO of this unit. We seem to have a small mix up here. We were expecting a Major Carter…"
She nodded. "Major Carter seems to have come down with a nasty flu, Colonel. Apparently HQ didn't mention the fact that I was coming."
"No," Potter remarked. "That seemed to slip from their minds. But Major Houlihan is well prepared." He handed her the packet of Margaret's instructions. "Take these. Do what you want with them."
Claire nodded with a smile as she flipped through the pages. "Margaret was always very thorough. Thank you, Colonel."
"Wait a second," Hawkeye said suddenly. "Did you call her Margaret? Don't tell me you know her."
"Or just happened to be related to her," B.J. added.
"Margaret and I were in training together," Claire said with a smile. "I'm surprised she never mentioned me. But I was never a stickler for army protocol like she was. I think she was embarrassed to know me."
"I beginning to like you more every second," Hawkeye said with a grin. "Captain, please allow myself and B.J. to show you around our little cesspool called home."
Colonel Potter nodded. "Dismissed. But remember, you two. Try not to get into too much trouble."
"Yes, dad," Hawkeye said. "Just ring the bell when dinner's ready." With that, he, B.J., and Claire disappeared through the office doors.
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"And the last stop on our lovely tour is our humble abode affectionately named the Swamp."
Hawkeye pushed open the door to the tent and allowed Claire to step inside with B.J. and Hawkeye following behind. "It really looks like you cleaned up the place," Claire said with a chuckle.
"We try," B.J. replied. "But watch out for the rats. They get a bit testy when we step on them."
"And speaking of rats," Hawkeye said, stepping over to the sleeping occupant in the cot across from his. "This is the biggest rat of them all, Major Charles Emerson Winchester, the third." He kicked the bed. "Get up, Charles. It's rude to snore with company here."
Charles woke with a start, rubbing his eyes. "What do you want, Pierce?" He snapped. "Don't you know I can kill you for this?"
"Charles, no death threats in front of the company," B.J. corrected. "And you call yourself a surgeon."
Charles eyes focused on their guest, and he quickly got up, straightening his shirt as best as possible. "Please forgive my manners, Captain," he said, shaking her hand. "Are you replacing Major Houlihan for the time being?"
"Yes, she is, Charles," Hawkeye said. "This is Captain Claire Morgan sent from heaven. Have a seat, and I'll pour us something to corrode our livers." He pulled out the martini glasses. "Want a drink, Charles? You look half dead."
Claire nodded as Hawkeye handed her a drink. "He's right, Major. You look exhausted."
"Last night's session of wounded lasted forever," B.J. put in.
"Excuse me, gentlemen, Captain," Charles said in his most formal voice. "But a Winchester does not become exhausted. I am simply restoring the energy needed to operate efficiently in this madness." He drank his entire martini in one gulp and set the glass delicately on the stove. "Now, if you'll excuse me. I'm have some energy conservation to finish. It was a pleasure to meet you, Captain." He rose and found his way to his bunk, where he was asleep almost instantly.
"Interesting fellow," Claire muttered.
"Charles is still pretty new," B.J. said. "It's been pretty tough on him. I can relate. Almost. I don't come from a snotty background, but I can't wait to get out of here. I've got a beautiful wife and little girl waiting for me back home."
"Speaking of home," Hawkeye said brightly. "You have anyone waiting for you back home, Captain?"
She smiled. "It's Claire, and if my parents count, then yes. But to answer the question you're dancing around, I'm not married, engaged, or dating. Does that take care of everything, Captain?"
Hawkeye grinned. "Almost. You forgot to mention any pets or where you're from. And please, it's just Hawkeye."
"Two dogs and Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania." She took a sip from her martini, swallowing with a gasp and cough. "What is this?"
"Our own special creation," B.J. said, gesturing over to their precious still. He glanced at his watch. "Two hours ago was a great year."
Claire laughed. "This place is a lot better than Major Carter made it out to be, but I try not to believe anything she says. That woman makes Godzilla look like a kitten."
"I'm glad we didn't have to bring out the reptile traps," B.J. muttered.
They all turned suddenly as Radar burst into their tent. "There's another load of wounded coming on the choppers!" He cried. "Major Winchester, get up!" Charles groaned as Radar headed out of the tent.
"I don't hear any choppers," Claire remarked.
"Just wait for it!" Radar cried as he ran across the camp.
"Come on," Hawkeye said with a sigh. "Time for your first trip to O.R." He held out his arm for her. "May I escort you to our destination, Madame?"
"I'd like that, sir," Claire said, taking his arm as they headed out to triage.
Colonel Potter glanced up from his work in O.R. to see how their temporary head nurse was holding up. He was relived to note that everything was running just as smoothly as always, but without Major Houlihan's sharp remarks to the nurses. Captain Morgan was handling the pressure well, assisting Hawkeye and keeping her eye on all the nurses at the same time.
"Don't forget to get an accurate sponge count, Lieutenant," Claire called from her position across from Hawkeye. Nurse Able nodded quickly, her fingers quickly counting the sponges in front of her.
"Have you worked at the front before, Captain?" Potter asked.
"Yes, Colonel," she answered as she handed Hawkeye a clamp. "Before I was stationed in Tokyo, I was at the 8063rd. I was assistant head nurse."
"Ah," Colonel Potter said. "You worked with our neighbors. Why were you transferred?"
She paused a moment as she cleared the blood inside the wound so Hawkeye could see well. "It's a long story, Colonel. You could say the CO over there felt it was just the right time for me to go somewhere else."
Potter nodded. "That happens to the best of us. Was the any mention of us over there?"
"Quite a bit," Claire answered with a smile. "As a matter of fact, Captain Pierce's reputation has gone far and wide."
"See Colonel," Hawkeye said, grinning beneath his surgical mask. "I told you I had fans all over Korea."
"Can we please stop all this babbling?" Charles snapped from his end of the O.R. "The last thing I want to hear about is Pierce's escapades."
"Charles is just jealous," B.J. said. "He doesn't have half the mileage under his belt as Hawkeye does."
"That's disgusting!" Charles cried.
"Alright, people," Potter jumped in. "Let's just get these wounded in one piece before you tear each other apart."
A crash sounded in the O.R., and Hawkeye turned to see the remains of a bottle of blood on the floor. Nurse Kellye stood over the mess.
"Sorry Captain Morgan," she said. "It was an accident…"
"Forget about it," Claire said. "Just clean it up before someone falls in it. It's a killer to get blood out of white clothing. And don't let it happen again."
"Yes, Captain."
The agonizing session in O.R. only lasted four more hours, and soon Hawkeye and B.J. were strolling outside. The weather was pleasantly warm and it almost reminded Hawkeye of spring back home in Maine.
B.J. squinted into the sun. "I almost forgot what the sun looks like. I think I might be going blind."
"Isn't she great?" Hawkeye asked.
B.J. cocked his head in confusion. "Who?"
"Who?" Hawkeye cried. "What do you mean, who? The goddess sent from above! The woman of my dreams! Beauty personified!"
B.J. chuckled. "Oh, you mean Claire. She's very charming."
"Just charming? You're not giving the woman justice," Hawkeye said. "She's beautiful, witty, and intelligent. Plus she's a fabulous nurse. What more could you want? If you look up perfection in the dictionary, I'm positive her picture is there."
"Hawk, don't you think you're getting a little too excited about her? I mean, she's only been here for six hours."
Hawkeye grinned. "But that will only make the next two weeks even better."
They both heard a soft chuckling behind them and turned to see Charles strolling behind them. "Forgive me for eavesdropping, gentlemen," he said. "But I couldn't help but overhear your most amusing conversation." He quickened his pace to walk alongside Hawkeye. "Pierce, if I may-"
"Oh no, Charles," Hawkeye snapped. "The last thing I need some browbeating from you. I'm in too good of a mood for you to spoil it."
"Pierce," Charles said, his tone hurt. "I was to do no such thing. I only have a question. Did you ever take into account that Captain Morgan's feelings may not match your own?"
"I hate to say it, Hawk," B.J. said, glancing at Charles. "Believe me, I really hate to say this, but Charles does have a point for once."
"Thank you, Hunnicutt," Charles said. "I think."
Hawkeye shook his head. "I'm way ahead of both of you. You two just don't know how the mind of Hawkeye Pierce works."
"Nor do we want to," Charles muttered.
"Very funny, Charles. You may just have some wit after all. The fact is my charm wins out overall. And she's already taken to liking me."
"That's a sure fire plan," B.J. said, his voice heavy with sarcasm.
"Don't worry," Hawkeye said. "Everything will turn out as it's supposed to be. And if that doesn't work, I'll just help fate along."
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Radar O'Reilly sat at his desk in the 4077th's main office, typing up that day's daily report. He included the mix up with Major Carter, and the arrival of Captain Morgan, giving as many details as possible. He was about to wrap things up when the phone rang.
Radar grabbed the receiver with a swift motion of his hand. "4077 M*A*S*H," he answered.
"Corporal, this is Major Houlihan." It was Margaret's voice on the other end of the phone, and Radar immediately sat up a little straighter. "I was just calling to see how things were going."
"Uh, very well, Major," Radar said. "Thank you for asking. Aren't you busy with your nursing conferences?"
"Of course I am," Margaret said a bit icily. "But as soon as I heard that Major Carter was filling in for me, I had to speak with her. I hear she's the best the army can offer. Can I speak with her?"
Radar thought of what Captain Morgan had said about Carter and couldn't help but smile. "She does have quite a reputation," he muttered. "But she can't come to the phone."
"Oh," Margaret said. "She must be in surgery. How commendable."
"Actually, Major Houlihan," Radar began. "Major Carter isn't at the 4077th."
"What?" Margaret cried into the phone, causing Radar's ear to ache. "What do you mean, not there? Who's filling in for me?"
"Don't worry, Major," Radar said, trying to keep her calm. "She's sick with the flu. Headquarters sent Major Carter's second in command. Captain Morgan is taking care of everything."
There was a long pause, and Radar was afraid he had lost the connection. He then heard Margaret's voice emerge, quiet and cold, in a tone he knew far too well. The tone that signaled she was about to explode. "Morgan? As in Claire Morgan?"
"Um, yes, ma'am."
Radar was forced to hold the phone away from his ear for almost a minute. He wasn't about to lose his hearing over the rampage of an overly hostile Major. When he was finally able to hold the receiver close to his ear again, Margaret had cooled down quite a bit, but he didn't want to spark any more explosions.
"Where is Colonel Potter?" Margaret asked.
"Uh, he's given the order not to be disturbed, ma'am-"
"Well disturb him! This is important, you twerp!"
"Yes, Major." Radar jumped out of his seat and ran into Colonel Potter's office. Potter was working on his latest painting, a very well detailed look at the mountains surrounding them in Korea. Potter was taking another delicate stroke of the horizon as Radar burst in. "Colonel!"
Potter jumped, causing the brush to leap with him. He frowned. "Radar, look what you made me do," he cried. "Now the mountains are blending into the clouds. What is it?"
"Major Houlihan's on the phone, sir," Radar rambled. "And she's hopping mad. She wanted to talk to you about Captain Morgan."
"Morgan?" Colonel Potter looked confused. "What does Margaret care about Morgan. She's not causing any trouble." He sighed. "I'll take the call in here."
Radar rushed outside and connected the call. He then held his ear-piece close to his ear to listen in. The first bit of conversation was incoherent; Margaret was yelling too much. But soon Potter calmed her down, and Margaret began to tell the entire story.
Radar was still listening close when Hawkeye and B.J. walked into the office. "What are you doing, Radar?" B.J. asked.
Radar turned towards them and held a finger to his lips. "Will you guys be quiet? I'm listening to the Colonel's conversation with Major Houlihan!"
"Look, Beej," Hawkeye said. "Our company clerk has turned into a real Peeping Tom. Listening over the phone is a lot easier, though. Radar was never tall enough to peep over fences."
"Come on," Radar said. "Cut it out. Major Houlihan is talking about Captain Morgan."
That statement certainly grabbed Hawkeye's attention. "Why? What's she saying?"
Radar listened again, but shook his head. "It's over now. I can only tell you what I heard."
"Alright," Hawkeye said with a nod. "Spill, spill!" When Radar paused, he added, "Look, I promise I won't make any more short jokes."
"You promised me the same thing last week!"
Hawkeye shrugged. "I couldn't help it. The laces on my boots were crossed."
B.J. jumped in. "Will you just tell us what you heard?"
"Well, alright," Radar said. "Major Houlihan knew Captain Morgan from training, you know. And she's known for years that Captain Morgan never practices any form of army regulation-"
"Neither do the best of us," B.J. interrupted. "So what?"
Radar continued. "She's also got a horrible temper for higher ranking officers. She even knocked out a Colonel when he threatened to court martial her for helping in a secret operation on an enemy soldier."
B.J. chuckled. "It's the Colonel's fault for having a glass jaw."
"That's not all," Radar said, his voice full of amazement. "After that, she went AWOL for two weeks to make sure another patient got out of Korea without getting put back at the front. The CO at the 8063rd was nice enough only to transfer her to Major Carter. Can you believe it?"
"Yeah," Hawkeye muttered. "The guy probably feared for his life. What did Potter say?"
"He said that Captain Morgan wasn't causing any trouble and she's probably changed since then under Major Carter's influence. I just hope he's right."
"You sure know how to pick 'em, Hawk," B.J. said. "Anything else, Radar?"
Radar shrugged. "Just that Captain Morgan was staying put for the time being."
"Let's just hope she doesn't do anything too rash," Hawkeye grumbled. "Or these two weeks are going to end a lot faster than I planned."
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Claire Morgan sat in Post-Op, changing the bandages of the wounded along with the other nurses. As she peeked under a bandage over a deep chest wound, the patient stirred and awoke.
"Are you a nurse?" He asked weakly.
"I try to be," Claire answered. "But truthfully, I'm only a civilian in army clothing. Any pain?"
He nodded, his teeth grit. She nodded and prepared a syringe of morphine. "I'm going to give you something for the pain so you can get some sleep."
"Before you do that," he said. "I want to talk to you for a second." He reached under his blanket and pulled out a wad of money that was almost too thick to hold in one hand.
"Trust me," Claire said. "I don't need any payment."
He smiled. "No, it's not like that. Name's Harper. I won $800 bucks in a poker game two weeks ago."
"Wow, that's great."
"The thing is, I want to give this to my wife. She lives in a village just outside Seoul. She needs the money more than anything, but my parents aren't exactly happy with my marrying a Korean girl. They've disowned her, and they don't even know her. They think I divorced her, but I just can't. I love her, Captain. I really do."
Claire nodded. "I'm sorry, but I don't know how I can help you."
"I need you to help me send it to her," Harper answered. "But I can't have my parents know about any of it. If they found out I sent her $800 bucks, they'd kill me." He pulled out a picture from the pile of money, and Claire saw a beautiful, sweet faced Korean girl standing in front of a run-down shack.
"Is that where she lives?" Claire asked. Harper nodded. He was right; this girl could use this money a lot more than anyone else who had a sturdy roof over their heads could.
"Will you help me?" Harper asked, his eyes pleading with her.
Claire bit her lip. This was going to be tough. If the parents caught wind of the money, they would likely fight the army for it, and she was sure the army would eventually fight her for it. But the girl was living in such poverty...
"Don't worry, Harper," she said. "I'll find a way to get the money to her, even if I have to walk there myself." Harper grinned his thanks. "Now just sleep." She injected the morphine in his arm, took the money, and left.
End of Part One
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by Shell
Disclaimer: I do not own in any character or plot line from the TV show M*A*S*H. They all belong to Twentieth Century Fox. I also do not make any money off of this story; you know the drill. Thanks for reading this story; I hope you like it.
Author's Note: If you read my last story, you were introduced to a character named Lt. Miranda Johnson. Please remember that in this story, Miranda does NOT exist. It will be a lot less confusing. Thanks!
Major Margaret Houlihan was standing in the 4077th M*A*S*H main office, wringing her hands. "Colonel, you know I hate to leave on such short notice, but these nurses' conferences in Tokyo is mandatory, and I-"
Colonel Sherman Potter held up a hand. "Don't worry, Major. I'm sure everything will go as smoothly as possible without you for two weeks."
Margaret nodded. "Did Radar give you all the instructions I made for my nurses?"
Potter nodded. "Yes, Major-"
"And the duty roster for the next two weeks?"
"Yes, Major, I did. As a matter of fact, I called HQ when you told me you had to leave, and they were nice enough to-"
Margaret interrupted again. "And, Colonel, with all due respect, try not to let Pierce and Hunnicutt allow their influences to rub off on my girls. I'm afraid without a leader with discipline; my nurses will begin to falter in O.R. And then where would that leave us?"
Potter frowned deeply. "Major, if you would allow me to finish, I would be able to tell you that HQ is sending us one of their best nurses to take over for you while you're gone. A Major Carter. She should be here any moment."
Margaret's eyes widened slightly. "You got a replacement, Colonel? I see. Well, I hope she can rise to somewhere close to my standards."
Potter nodded. "I hope so too, Major. I hear she's one of the best. Radar!" He looked up to see the company clerk already standing inside the office. Potter sighed. The young clerk was always one step ahead of him. It was a theory that Radar O'Reilly could read minds, and Potter was beginning to believe it.
"Is Major Houlihan's jeep here yet?"
Radar shook his head. "No sir, but it just passed the last checkpoint. It should be here any moment. And I took the liberty of putting the Major's bags in the office so I can load them onto the jeep."
"Thank you, Corporal," Margaret said with a nod. She turned to leave, but the office doors suddenly swung open to reveal Captains Hawkeye Pierce and B.J. Hunnicutt, both of their faces beaming.
Margaret scowled. "What do you two want?"
Hawkeye grinned broadly. "We just wanted to see you off, Margaret. We brought something for your liver. Beej?" B.J. presented a bottle and martini glasses, pouring a drink for each of them. Radar passed on his drink with a small shake of his head. "Radar wants to come out of this war with innocent organs, Beej," Hawkeye said with a smile.
Hawkeye held up his glass in a toast. "To Margaret, may she have a safe and interesting trip in Tokyo. And to the rest of us who you are leaving behind, that this rare period of peace last forever."
B.J. nodded. "Here, here. Margaret, with you leaving, one can only think of your good qualities. If I could think of any, I'd mention them."
Margaret opened her mouth to respond, but Radar jumped in. "Jeep's in the compound." He rushed out of the office, leaving everyone else silent.
"That's funny," B.J. remarked. "I don't hear anything."
"That's Radar's gift," Hawkeye replied. "It's his special power. Don't you know that little leprechauns are magical?"
Radar stuck his head back in the office. "Your jeep's ready, Major. You better hurry, though. Your plane leaves for Tokyo in an hour."
Margaret nodded and turned to Potter. "Goodbye, Colonel. I hope my temporary replacement works out well." She glanced at B.J. and Hawkeye. "Goodbye, children." She turned and stormed out of the office.
Hawkeye rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Replacement? Colonel, have you been hiding something from us?"
"Don't you trust us, Colonel?" B.J. asked innocently. "I try to think of us as a family."
"One that tells us when a new member is about to come," Hawkeye added. "Now we have no time to prepare."
"That's exactly why I didn't let you too know about this," Potter said. "Who knows what torture you two would have up your sleeves if you had time to think about it? So please, be somewhat civil to this nurse. She has to last two weeks, you know. HQ says she's as strict on military protocol as Major Houlihan is."
Hawkeye groaned. "Another Margaret? I thought this was going to be a vacation, Colonel. I don't think I could take another beating by army gibberish."
"I'm beginning to get bruises," B.J. muttered.
Potter shrugged. "I had no say in it, Pierce. I asked for a replacement, and HQ gave me Major Carter. We'll just have to live with it for two weeks. So children, please, play nice."
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Company clerk Radar O'Reilly stood outside and watched as Major Houlihan's jeep disappeared in the distance. He took a deep breath and exhaled, glad to be free of the Major's iron fist for even a little while. He was about to head back into his office when he heard the sound of a second jeep come from behind him.
Radar turned as the jeep stopped in front of him, and he immediately noticed the woman sitting in the backseat of the jeep. She wore the simple green uniform everyone in M*A*S*H units wore instead of the brown formal traveling uniform. She tucked a book she had been reading into one of her bags and hopped out of the jeep. Grabbing the rest of her things, she thanked the driver and the jeep drove off.
Radar quickly approached. "Welcome to the 4077th, Major Carter," he said. "I can take your things to the VIP tent so you can get settled in."
She smiled slightly and shook her head. "Corporal, fortunately, I'm not Major Carter."
Radar's eyes widened. Apparently, the wrong nurse had been sent to the 4077th. That meant the right nurse was somewhere where she wasn't supposed to be, and he knew exactly who would be blamed for the mix up: him.
"Oh no," he moaned. "How is this fortunate? Colonel Potter's gonna kill me! What am I gonna do?"
She chuckled. "Corporal, slow down. You're going to run yourself clean into the ground. Everything's all right. Major Carter came down with the flu. HQ sent me instead. You should consider yourself lucky, though. Carter's a witch." She held out a hand. "Captain Claire Morgan, it's a pleasure."
Radar nodded and shook her hand. "Radar O'Reilly. Colonel Potter should still be in his office. He'll probably want to hear this." He gestured in the office's direction. "I'll take you there."
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Hawkeye and B.J. still sat in Potter's office, sharing drinks with the Colonel. Hawkeye seemed to study his half-empty glass of gin when he asked. "So what do you think our nurse will look like?"
"She'll probably be old," B.J. said. "You know, around…ninety. And her voice will be the sound of a songbird drowning in hot tar."
"And it's a voice we'll be hearing a lot," Hawkeye said with a sigh. "I can't help but cringe at the thought of her wrinkles moving when she speaks." He shuddered.
Potter nodded as he sipped from his glass. "She's probably going to have a lot of problems with this nuthouse. I don't think I can live through the whining."
"Nuthouse?" Hawkeye asked, aghast. "Colonel, this may be a nuthouse to you, but for us, it's home."
Radar suddenly burst into the office, causing them all to jump. "Colonel, Major Carter's here, but it's not really her."
Potter narrowed his eyes. "What else could she possibly be, Radar?"
"Captain Claire Morgan, sir." He stepped aside and allowed a woman to enter the office. Hawkeye could feel his eyes widen as he looked at her. She was tall and slender, with deep blue-gray eyes and gold blonde hair that was pulled back. But what Hawkeye couldn't brake his gaze from was her face. She was lovely, with smooth skin and a bright aura about her. He could tell this was going to be a great two weeks, indeed.
Hawkeye rose and shook her hand. "Captain, I'm Hawkeye Pierce, and this is B.J. Hunnicutt, your friendly surgeons. Claire, that's such a lovely name. How was your trip?"
She was about to respond when Colonel Potter interrupted. "Captain, I'm Colonel Potter, CO of this unit. We seem to have a small mix up here. We were expecting a Major Carter…"
She nodded. "Major Carter seems to have come down with a nasty flu, Colonel. Apparently HQ didn't mention the fact that I was coming."
"No," Potter remarked. "That seemed to slip from their minds. But Major Houlihan is well prepared." He handed her the packet of Margaret's instructions. "Take these. Do what you want with them."
Claire nodded with a smile as she flipped through the pages. "Margaret was always very thorough. Thank you, Colonel."
"Wait a second," Hawkeye said suddenly. "Did you call her Margaret? Don't tell me you know her."
"Or just happened to be related to her," B.J. added.
"Margaret and I were in training together," Claire said with a smile. "I'm surprised she never mentioned me. But I was never a stickler for army protocol like she was. I think she was embarrassed to know me."
"I beginning to like you more every second," Hawkeye said with a grin. "Captain, please allow myself and B.J. to show you around our little cesspool called home."
Colonel Potter nodded. "Dismissed. But remember, you two. Try not to get into too much trouble."
"Yes, dad," Hawkeye said. "Just ring the bell when dinner's ready." With that, he, B.J., and Claire disappeared through the office doors.
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"And the last stop on our lovely tour is our humble abode affectionately named the Swamp."
Hawkeye pushed open the door to the tent and allowed Claire to step inside with B.J. and Hawkeye following behind. "It really looks like you cleaned up the place," Claire said with a chuckle.
"We try," B.J. replied. "But watch out for the rats. They get a bit testy when we step on them."
"And speaking of rats," Hawkeye said, stepping over to the sleeping occupant in the cot across from his. "This is the biggest rat of them all, Major Charles Emerson Winchester, the third." He kicked the bed. "Get up, Charles. It's rude to snore with company here."
Charles woke with a start, rubbing his eyes. "What do you want, Pierce?" He snapped. "Don't you know I can kill you for this?"
"Charles, no death threats in front of the company," B.J. corrected. "And you call yourself a surgeon."
Charles eyes focused on their guest, and he quickly got up, straightening his shirt as best as possible. "Please forgive my manners, Captain," he said, shaking her hand. "Are you replacing Major Houlihan for the time being?"
"Yes, she is, Charles," Hawkeye said. "This is Captain Claire Morgan sent from heaven. Have a seat, and I'll pour us something to corrode our livers." He pulled out the martini glasses. "Want a drink, Charles? You look half dead."
Claire nodded as Hawkeye handed her a drink. "He's right, Major. You look exhausted."
"Last night's session of wounded lasted forever," B.J. put in.
"Excuse me, gentlemen, Captain," Charles said in his most formal voice. "But a Winchester does not become exhausted. I am simply restoring the energy needed to operate efficiently in this madness." He drank his entire martini in one gulp and set the glass delicately on the stove. "Now, if you'll excuse me. I'm have some energy conservation to finish. It was a pleasure to meet you, Captain." He rose and found his way to his bunk, where he was asleep almost instantly.
"Interesting fellow," Claire muttered.
"Charles is still pretty new," B.J. said. "It's been pretty tough on him. I can relate. Almost. I don't come from a snotty background, but I can't wait to get out of here. I've got a beautiful wife and little girl waiting for me back home."
"Speaking of home," Hawkeye said brightly. "You have anyone waiting for you back home, Captain?"
She smiled. "It's Claire, and if my parents count, then yes. But to answer the question you're dancing around, I'm not married, engaged, or dating. Does that take care of everything, Captain?"
Hawkeye grinned. "Almost. You forgot to mention any pets or where you're from. And please, it's just Hawkeye."
"Two dogs and Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania." She took a sip from her martini, swallowing with a gasp and cough. "What is this?"
"Our own special creation," B.J. said, gesturing over to their precious still. He glanced at his watch. "Two hours ago was a great year."
Claire laughed. "This place is a lot better than Major Carter made it out to be, but I try not to believe anything she says. That woman makes Godzilla look like a kitten."
"I'm glad we didn't have to bring out the reptile traps," B.J. muttered.
They all turned suddenly as Radar burst into their tent. "There's another load of wounded coming on the choppers!" He cried. "Major Winchester, get up!" Charles groaned as Radar headed out of the tent.
"I don't hear any choppers," Claire remarked.
"Just wait for it!" Radar cried as he ran across the camp.
"Come on," Hawkeye said with a sigh. "Time for your first trip to O.R." He held out his arm for her. "May I escort you to our destination, Madame?"
"I'd like that, sir," Claire said, taking his arm as they headed out to triage.
Colonel Potter glanced up from his work in O.R. to see how their temporary head nurse was holding up. He was relived to note that everything was running just as smoothly as always, but without Major Houlihan's sharp remarks to the nurses. Captain Morgan was handling the pressure well, assisting Hawkeye and keeping her eye on all the nurses at the same time.
"Don't forget to get an accurate sponge count, Lieutenant," Claire called from her position across from Hawkeye. Nurse Able nodded quickly, her fingers quickly counting the sponges in front of her.
"Have you worked at the front before, Captain?" Potter asked.
"Yes, Colonel," she answered as she handed Hawkeye a clamp. "Before I was stationed in Tokyo, I was at the 8063rd. I was assistant head nurse."
"Ah," Colonel Potter said. "You worked with our neighbors. Why were you transferred?"
She paused a moment as she cleared the blood inside the wound so Hawkeye could see well. "It's a long story, Colonel. You could say the CO over there felt it was just the right time for me to go somewhere else."
Potter nodded. "That happens to the best of us. Was the any mention of us over there?"
"Quite a bit," Claire answered with a smile. "As a matter of fact, Captain Pierce's reputation has gone far and wide."
"See Colonel," Hawkeye said, grinning beneath his surgical mask. "I told you I had fans all over Korea."
"Can we please stop all this babbling?" Charles snapped from his end of the O.R. "The last thing I want to hear about is Pierce's escapades."
"Charles is just jealous," B.J. said. "He doesn't have half the mileage under his belt as Hawkeye does."
"That's disgusting!" Charles cried.
"Alright, people," Potter jumped in. "Let's just get these wounded in one piece before you tear each other apart."
A crash sounded in the O.R., and Hawkeye turned to see the remains of a bottle of blood on the floor. Nurse Kellye stood over the mess.
"Sorry Captain Morgan," she said. "It was an accident…"
"Forget about it," Claire said. "Just clean it up before someone falls in it. It's a killer to get blood out of white clothing. And don't let it happen again."
"Yes, Captain."
The agonizing session in O.R. only lasted four more hours, and soon Hawkeye and B.J. were strolling outside. The weather was pleasantly warm and it almost reminded Hawkeye of spring back home in Maine.
B.J. squinted into the sun. "I almost forgot what the sun looks like. I think I might be going blind."
"Isn't she great?" Hawkeye asked.
B.J. cocked his head in confusion. "Who?"
"Who?" Hawkeye cried. "What do you mean, who? The goddess sent from above! The woman of my dreams! Beauty personified!"
B.J. chuckled. "Oh, you mean Claire. She's very charming."
"Just charming? You're not giving the woman justice," Hawkeye said. "She's beautiful, witty, and intelligent. Plus she's a fabulous nurse. What more could you want? If you look up perfection in the dictionary, I'm positive her picture is there."
"Hawk, don't you think you're getting a little too excited about her? I mean, she's only been here for six hours."
Hawkeye grinned. "But that will only make the next two weeks even better."
They both heard a soft chuckling behind them and turned to see Charles strolling behind them. "Forgive me for eavesdropping, gentlemen," he said. "But I couldn't help but overhear your most amusing conversation." He quickened his pace to walk alongside Hawkeye. "Pierce, if I may-"
"Oh no, Charles," Hawkeye snapped. "The last thing I need some browbeating from you. I'm in too good of a mood for you to spoil it."
"Pierce," Charles said, his tone hurt. "I was to do no such thing. I only have a question. Did you ever take into account that Captain Morgan's feelings may not match your own?"
"I hate to say it, Hawk," B.J. said, glancing at Charles. "Believe me, I really hate to say this, but Charles does have a point for once."
"Thank you, Hunnicutt," Charles said. "I think."
Hawkeye shook his head. "I'm way ahead of both of you. You two just don't know how the mind of Hawkeye Pierce works."
"Nor do we want to," Charles muttered.
"Very funny, Charles. You may just have some wit after all. The fact is my charm wins out overall. And she's already taken to liking me."
"That's a sure fire plan," B.J. said, his voice heavy with sarcasm.
"Don't worry," Hawkeye said. "Everything will turn out as it's supposed to be. And if that doesn't work, I'll just help fate along."
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Radar O'Reilly sat at his desk in the 4077th's main office, typing up that day's daily report. He included the mix up with Major Carter, and the arrival of Captain Morgan, giving as many details as possible. He was about to wrap things up when the phone rang.
Radar grabbed the receiver with a swift motion of his hand. "4077 M*A*S*H," he answered.
"Corporal, this is Major Houlihan." It was Margaret's voice on the other end of the phone, and Radar immediately sat up a little straighter. "I was just calling to see how things were going."
"Uh, very well, Major," Radar said. "Thank you for asking. Aren't you busy with your nursing conferences?"
"Of course I am," Margaret said a bit icily. "But as soon as I heard that Major Carter was filling in for me, I had to speak with her. I hear she's the best the army can offer. Can I speak with her?"
Radar thought of what Captain Morgan had said about Carter and couldn't help but smile. "She does have quite a reputation," he muttered. "But she can't come to the phone."
"Oh," Margaret said. "She must be in surgery. How commendable."
"Actually, Major Houlihan," Radar began. "Major Carter isn't at the 4077th."
"What?" Margaret cried into the phone, causing Radar's ear to ache. "What do you mean, not there? Who's filling in for me?"
"Don't worry, Major," Radar said, trying to keep her calm. "She's sick with the flu. Headquarters sent Major Carter's second in command. Captain Morgan is taking care of everything."
There was a long pause, and Radar was afraid he had lost the connection. He then heard Margaret's voice emerge, quiet and cold, in a tone he knew far too well. The tone that signaled she was about to explode. "Morgan? As in Claire Morgan?"
"Um, yes, ma'am."
Radar was forced to hold the phone away from his ear for almost a minute. He wasn't about to lose his hearing over the rampage of an overly hostile Major. When he was finally able to hold the receiver close to his ear again, Margaret had cooled down quite a bit, but he didn't want to spark any more explosions.
"Where is Colonel Potter?" Margaret asked.
"Uh, he's given the order not to be disturbed, ma'am-"
"Well disturb him! This is important, you twerp!"
"Yes, Major." Radar jumped out of his seat and ran into Colonel Potter's office. Potter was working on his latest painting, a very well detailed look at the mountains surrounding them in Korea. Potter was taking another delicate stroke of the horizon as Radar burst in. "Colonel!"
Potter jumped, causing the brush to leap with him. He frowned. "Radar, look what you made me do," he cried. "Now the mountains are blending into the clouds. What is it?"
"Major Houlihan's on the phone, sir," Radar rambled. "And she's hopping mad. She wanted to talk to you about Captain Morgan."
"Morgan?" Colonel Potter looked confused. "What does Margaret care about Morgan. She's not causing any trouble." He sighed. "I'll take the call in here."
Radar rushed outside and connected the call. He then held his ear-piece close to his ear to listen in. The first bit of conversation was incoherent; Margaret was yelling too much. But soon Potter calmed her down, and Margaret began to tell the entire story.
Radar was still listening close when Hawkeye and B.J. walked into the office. "What are you doing, Radar?" B.J. asked.
Radar turned towards them and held a finger to his lips. "Will you guys be quiet? I'm listening to the Colonel's conversation with Major Houlihan!"
"Look, Beej," Hawkeye said. "Our company clerk has turned into a real Peeping Tom. Listening over the phone is a lot easier, though. Radar was never tall enough to peep over fences."
"Come on," Radar said. "Cut it out. Major Houlihan is talking about Captain Morgan."
That statement certainly grabbed Hawkeye's attention. "Why? What's she saying?"
Radar listened again, but shook his head. "It's over now. I can only tell you what I heard."
"Alright," Hawkeye said with a nod. "Spill, spill!" When Radar paused, he added, "Look, I promise I won't make any more short jokes."
"You promised me the same thing last week!"
Hawkeye shrugged. "I couldn't help it. The laces on my boots were crossed."
B.J. jumped in. "Will you just tell us what you heard?"
"Well, alright," Radar said. "Major Houlihan knew Captain Morgan from training, you know. And she's known for years that Captain Morgan never practices any form of army regulation-"
"Neither do the best of us," B.J. interrupted. "So what?"
Radar continued. "She's also got a horrible temper for higher ranking officers. She even knocked out a Colonel when he threatened to court martial her for helping in a secret operation on an enemy soldier."
B.J. chuckled. "It's the Colonel's fault for having a glass jaw."
"That's not all," Radar said, his voice full of amazement. "After that, she went AWOL for two weeks to make sure another patient got out of Korea without getting put back at the front. The CO at the 8063rd was nice enough only to transfer her to Major Carter. Can you believe it?"
"Yeah," Hawkeye muttered. "The guy probably feared for his life. What did Potter say?"
"He said that Captain Morgan wasn't causing any trouble and she's probably changed since then under Major Carter's influence. I just hope he's right."
"You sure know how to pick 'em, Hawk," B.J. said. "Anything else, Radar?"
Radar shrugged. "Just that Captain Morgan was staying put for the time being."
"Let's just hope she doesn't do anything too rash," Hawkeye grumbled. "Or these two weeks are going to end a lot faster than I planned."
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Claire Morgan sat in Post-Op, changing the bandages of the wounded along with the other nurses. As she peeked under a bandage over a deep chest wound, the patient stirred and awoke.
"Are you a nurse?" He asked weakly.
"I try to be," Claire answered. "But truthfully, I'm only a civilian in army clothing. Any pain?"
He nodded, his teeth grit. She nodded and prepared a syringe of morphine. "I'm going to give you something for the pain so you can get some sleep."
"Before you do that," he said. "I want to talk to you for a second." He reached under his blanket and pulled out a wad of money that was almost too thick to hold in one hand.
"Trust me," Claire said. "I don't need any payment."
He smiled. "No, it's not like that. Name's Harper. I won $800 bucks in a poker game two weeks ago."
"Wow, that's great."
"The thing is, I want to give this to my wife. She lives in a village just outside Seoul. She needs the money more than anything, but my parents aren't exactly happy with my marrying a Korean girl. They've disowned her, and they don't even know her. They think I divorced her, but I just can't. I love her, Captain. I really do."
Claire nodded. "I'm sorry, but I don't know how I can help you."
"I need you to help me send it to her," Harper answered. "But I can't have my parents know about any of it. If they found out I sent her $800 bucks, they'd kill me." He pulled out a picture from the pile of money, and Claire saw a beautiful, sweet faced Korean girl standing in front of a run-down shack.
"Is that where she lives?" Claire asked. Harper nodded. He was right; this girl could use this money a lot more than anyone else who had a sturdy roof over their heads could.
"Will you help me?" Harper asked, his eyes pleading with her.
Claire bit her lip. This was going to be tough. If the parents caught wind of the money, they would likely fight the army for it, and she was sure the army would eventually fight her for it. But the girl was living in such poverty...
"Don't worry, Harper," she said. "I'll find a way to get the money to her, even if I have to walk there myself." Harper grinned his thanks. "Now just sleep." She injected the morphine in his arm, took the money, and left.
End of Part One
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