A/N In a depressed Valentines day mood, so naturally wrote quite a depressing Valetines day fic. YAYA. Yet another Pones, should probably try my hand at another pairing, but hey ho. Just a cheeky little one shot, quite proud of it. I welled up, you may cry, who knows.
Song fic also, set to My Immortal by Evanescence. It's a beautiful song, I recommend you listen to it on repeat whilst reading the fic. I wrote it whilst listening to the song, it truly does make it that little bit sadder.
Disclaimer: Mcfly are not mine. Unfortunately. If they were mine, my Valentines day would be a LOT less depressing. But they are not, so I am alone with my depressing little one shot. Creys. I also don't own the song My Immortal, that pleasure goes to Evanescence.
Anyway, enjoy :D HAPPY VALENTINES DAY
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
Danny sat on the edge of a bed, staring blankly at the white wall in front of him. The only decoration on the wall was a single calendar, with the day's date circled. Valentine's Day. The day all lovers were supposed to be happy, celebrating having each other to love and to cherish through all the years.
But not for Danny. It was the day Danny hated most in the whole year. He'd been dreading it now for ages. Not only did he not have his lover, his boyfriend, his Dougie with him to celebrate the day, it also marked a year sinced Dougie had been cruelly taken from him before his time. Dougie had been just 22. It was too young for anyone to die. And it was all because some bastard had given him HIV.
And Dougie, being Dougie and not wanting to worry anyone, had ignored all the signs until it had developed into AIDs.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
It hadn't even been the AIDs that had torn Dougie from the life he'd loved. Dougs had refused to go to a doctor until he'd developed pneumonia and was seriously ill. Too seriously ill. The doctors hadn't been able to do anything for him. The pneumonia had complicated and he'd developed other illnesses…basically, Dougie's stubbornness and Danny's failure as a boyfriend had killed him.
Danny took a great big sob that racked his thin frame. He'd been together with Dougie merely four months before Dougie had died, but been in love with him since Dougs had joined Mcfly at the tender age of 15. Danny cast his mind back to the day he'd first seen Dougie.
Danny and Tom had been auditioning bassists for the band all day. They'd seen some good, some alright, some bad and some so terrible the two young boys couldn't believe they'd come to the audition in the first place. It had given them some good laughs, but as the day was drawing to a close, they were getting frustrated and desperate. Today was the only day they were holding auditions for bassists and if they couldn't find one they'd have to put out ads again and do all this again and it was just so much effort. Danny banged his head against the table in despair as yet another youngish guy played the bass with no real skill and sang with his voice completely flat. Tom had thanked the boy and sent him on his way. Then he'd turned to Danny and they'd shared a look of despair.
"Danny, what if there's no one who's gonna be good enough?" Tom had asked, real worry in his voice.
"I don't know Tom, I truly don't know" Danny had groaned. "Next" he called, not really expecting much from the next and last bassist who walked into their audition room. Danny had looked at him and nearly fainted then and there. This boy was perfection. He was clearly younger than both Tom and Danny, with sandy hair and a slight frame. The way he clutched his bass was with real joy and reverence, as if this was what his whole life revolved around.
"Your name?" Tom had asked.
"Dougie Poynter" the boy - Dougie – had replied shyly.
"Hey Dougie. How old are you?" Was the next question.
"Fifteen" had come the meek answer. "Wait, that isn't too young is it" the boy had asked fearfully.
"Er, no. Don't think so" Tom had answered and then shared a look with Danny. This boy was young.
"Do you wanna play for us then?" Danny had invited him. Dougie had taken a deep breath and started to pluck notes on his bass, then joined in singing with a beautiful voice. Danny had nearly fainted again. He was in love. Dougie was so young, yet so talented on the bass and his voice would complement Tom's and Danny's perfectly. Danny had looked at Tom. Tom looked at Danny and they shared another look, this one plainly saying this was the bassist they needed. Tom stopped the boy mid song.
"Was it, was it that bad?" Dougie had asked quietly, tears forming in his beautiful blue eyes. Danny had felt his heart break for the boy, even though he knew they were about to offer him a place in the band.
"No Dougie. In fact it was brilliant. How would you like to be our bassist?" Danny had delivered the good news, a smile playing about his lips. Dougie had stared at them in disbelief to begin with.
"What, me? Really?" he had asked shocked. Danny had laughed and nodded.
"Yes Dougie. You. Meet us here tomorrow at 9am sharp. Don't be late" Dougie had nodded his consent and walked out of the room, shaking his head in disbelief, clutching his bass. Danny had watched him go, already falling in love with the young boy.
And now he was dead. Life's a bitch Danny thought bitterly as he remembered the vibrant young boy they'd met to start with. Dougie had been full of life, his blue eyes always glittering mischievously, pranks and jokes constantly forming in his head. He'd been the life and soul of the band.
And then that fucking bastard had gone and ruined it.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
Dougie had been experimenting with his sexuality. He'd found a boyfriend, someone he'd picked up in a gay bar. When Dougie had first bought that bastard home he'd broken Danny's heart. Then the bastard had knowingly given Dougie HIV and ran, to give some other bloke the disease as well. It was the bastards mission in life to make every bloke like him. He was sick and Danny hated him.
Danny hated himself as well. Danny knew he could've prevented everything, if only he'd been man enough to tell Dougie how he felt. As it was, it had taken till Dougie's diagnosis for Danny to tell the young bassist how he'd really felt. And then they'd just had four short, nearly perfect months together.
Then Dougie had died.
It was tearing Danny apart inside. He'd managed to last a year without Dougie. He didn't even know how he'd done it. The world was a horrible, cold, lonely place since Dougs had left, since he'd lost the love of his life. Tom and Harry had come round to Danny's house nearly every day, finding him sat on Dougie's bed each time, just staring at the calendar on the otherwise blank wall, clutching Dougie's most treasured bass, wearing Dougie's favourite shirt and boxers.
Danny hadn't moved all year, other than to turn the calendar.
And now here they were, on the anniversary of Dougie's death. Danny might as well be dead. Inside he was. Inside he was hurting more than anything. Dougie wouldn't leave his thoughts. Every second he was asking why it had to be Dougie, why Dougie hadn't been diagnosed sooner, why Danny hadn't made him go to a doctor sooner. It was pulling him apart into tiny little pieces.
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dream
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
Images of Dougie flittered across Danny's muddled brain. Images of the meek boy he'd been in the audition, into the cheeky older teenager he'd grown into in the band, into the beautiful young adult he'd become. Images of his last few days on earth.
Danny sobbed harder at these images. Dougie had changed so much. From the boy so full of life, so bouncy, so energetic, so happy all the time, into someone weak, bedbound, scarily skinny. Dougie had turned into a ghost of his former self, barely looking like he used to. But Danny had still loved him. Danny had cherished every moment that they'd had together, never leaving his bedside. He'd wiped away the tears that formed when Dougie was frustrated and lonely because this was never what he'd have chosen. He'd comforted Dougs when the younger boy had awoken in the middle of the night, scared of what was going to happen. He'd held Dougies hand to the end.
And Dougie had gone, left in the night. Danny's last memory of Dougs was his beautiful, gaunt face now at peace, the pained expression it had taken on in the last few hours of his life wiped away by the peace he was feeling now he had gone and was no longer suffering. This image of Dougs was haunting Danny in his sleep, whenever he managed to grab some.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
Danny let out another sob. Valentine's Day. If life was in any way, shape or form fair, this should have been the best day in Danny's life. Dougie should be here, and they should have spent it the way they were supposed to. Together.
Danny was hurting and he wanted it all to end there. Dougie's death had killed Danny, made worse because he didn't need to die. He shouldn't have died. He should've led a long life, with Danny by his side. They would've married, had kids, grown old, had grandkids and died at the end of a very long life. Together. But Danny was by himself. He wouldn't commit suicide though. Danny knew if he did, he'd be failing Dougie.
But he couldn't move on either. Dougie was still very much real to him, even after a year apart. The wounds left by Dougies death were still raw and ached all the time. Dougie hadn't told Danny to move on, which made it easier, knowing he wasn't failing Dougie yet.
Danny knew deep down he couldn't go on like this though. He had to move on with his life, make something of it. Make music with the band, so that Dougies memory would be forever treasured. Buy the sort of apartment Dougie would've loved, so it would be like Dougs had never left. Visit the places around the world the duo hadn't made it too yet, so Danny could remember his angels thoughts on them, do it for Dougie.
The one thing Danny couldn't face was falling in love with someone else. He'd loved Dougie for so long, been with him for such a short time, been so hurt by his loss he couldn't fathom loving anyone else like that. Not only that, but he didn't want to. He knew Dougie didn't really want him to either. It was probably selfish of Dougie, but he'd begged Danny in his last few hours to always love him and never forget him. Danny had tearfully agreed.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
Getting up from Dougie's bed for the first time in a year, Danny crossed over to their shared wardrobe. Reaching to the back, he felt around until his hand grazed a small box. He sat back down on the bed and gazed at it through tear filled eyes.
He took a deep breath and opened it. Inside, on a blue velvet lining, was a simple gold band with the words 'Dougie&Danny' entwined on the inside. Danny sobbed even harder. It was the ring he was going to give Dougie, to ask for his hand in marriage but Dougie had been torn from him before he'd had the chance.
In this simple gold band, Danny saw the future he'd never have. He saw the wedding day he and Dougie should've had. He saw the kids they would've adopted together and loved and cherished together. He saw the family house they would've bought together. He saw the holidays they would have taken. He saw the grandkids they would've had. He saw them growing old. Together.
He saw the Valentines Day's they would've spent. Together. Not apart in this way.
Danny sobbed and sobbed, his heart breaking into a million pieces. He'd thought the pain of Dougies loss couldn't get any worse. But it could, and had. It didn't feel like a year had passed since Danny had seen those beautiful blue eyes, stroked that sandy blonde hair. Seen those cupids bow lips form the words 'I love you'.
It felt as though Dougie had only just died, the pain was still that raw.
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
As his tears died away, though the pain was still there and very very raw, Danny saw what he had to do to get some sort of closure. He picked himself up off of the bed, clutching the ring box in one hand and Dougies treasured bass in the other. He walked out of the apartment and out of the building.
He walked and walked, tears streaming down his face, Dougies face on his mind, thinking about his angel, his only love. He ignored the pitying looks of passersby, the worry that they had for this thin boy, obviously grieving. They all hoped the same thing, that he wasn't going to do anything stupid.
Danny walked until he got to the wrought iron gates of the cemetery. He gazed up at them, feeling their strength and oldness. He took and deep breath, steeled himself and walked inside. He gazed around, trying to find the Poynter family area. Spotting it, he slowly walked over, his vision blurred by the tears in his eyes.
He stopped in front of a grave and gazed at the head stone.
Douglas Lee Poynter
30th November 1987 – 14th February 2009
Talented musician
Beloved son, brother, friend, boyfriend
Taken too soon, loved forever
"Hey Dougs" Danny whispered through his tears. "Happy Valentines Day babe. I wish you were here with me. We'd have woken up, given each other some tacky presents. We'd have spent the day together, watching movies and eating galaxy. We'd have had dinner at a fancy restaurant. It would've been perfect Dougs. But that bastard ruined it for us forever. I'll never forgive him Dougs. Now you're gone and I'm alone forever" Danny broke down at this point and fell to his knees.
He lay on top of the earth that covered Dougies grave, his full length covering the raised mound. He pressed his lips to the ground and spoke to the boy buried six feet below him.
"Here's your bass Dougs. I know how much you loved this one. It was the one I gave you at Christmas Dougie. You decided at that point you'd never use any bass but this one and take it on the next tour with us" Danny stopped at this point and took a deep breath, a sob hitching in his throat.
"The tour you never got to go on Dougs. I'll never understand why you didn't go to a doctor earlier Dougs, but I can't change anything now. You've gone, and I'm still here. It hurts Dougs, it hurts more than anything. But I'll survive Dougs. I have to, for the both of us" Danny pressed his lips to the earth again and placed the bass against Dougies head stone.
"Dougs, I have something else to say to you. I meant to do this before – before you went. But you died before I had a chance. So Dougs, I'll say it now" Danny sat up at this point and went onto one knee. He opened the ring box and presented it to Dougies head stone.
"I wanted you to marry me Dougie. I still do, everyday. I see the life we had, I see you as you used to be. I see you as you were in the end. I see how I used to wipe your tears away, scare away your fears, hold your hand. I see the life we should've had. You still have me Dougie, the way you used to. I'll never belong to any man but you. I have to move on, but I'll never forget you. I love you Dougie. I want you to marry me. I love you so much" Danny couldn't take any more at this point and lay the ring box down next to Dougies treasured bass.
He curled up against the head stone and thoughts of Dougie filled his head again. But this time, the thoughts of Dougie faded as he thought of the future and for the first time, he saw he could move on. He could have a life, albeit one not as good as he'd like. Dougie wouldn't be there in body, but he'd always be with Danny in spirit.
For the first time in over a year, Danny felt hope.
"Happy Valentines Day angel" Danny whispered and he left Dougie's grave, promising to visit again soon.
Thoughts of his angel would never leave him, but Danny now knew he could live his life, the way Dougie would want him to.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hands through all of the years
But you still have
All of me
A/N Really hope you liked reading this as much as I liked writing it.
You know what to do. REVIEWS. Reviews are love, love is Valentines Day, it's Valentines Day today...you get the picture. They would also be the best Valentines present, seeing as I'm a lonely fanfic writer on this particular Valentines day :(
LOVEYOU ALL