Author's Notes: This is my attempt at filling in some of the gaps during the fourth season episode 'The I In Team.'

Ramblings and Smoochies

Everybody's getting spanked but me, Willow thought again as she watched Buffy take her leave of the school's lunch hall. The thought floated through her brain a little bitterly, whereas it came out morosely when she had said it earlier. Buffy and Riley, Anya and Xander… I bet even Giles is getting smoochies, Willow thought, definitely bitter. She fiddled with her coffee cup, not really in the mood to drink it, her thoughts turning now to Oz.

Willow still thought about Oz sometimes. Just last night she had started writing another letter to him, only to halfheartedly stop in the middle. Even though she still missed him, she was starting to realize that writing these letters was fruitless. Totally without fruit, Willow had thought, crumpling up the letter and throwing it away in her trash can. It was the first time she had thrown away one of her letters. Realizing this, it dawned on Willow that she had just taken a big step. Oz will never come back. Willow was surprised that the thought did not affect her the way it used to. She missed him, but she wasn't looking to find some sort of contact with him anymore, even made up contact that a small part of her had always known would never really reach him. Willow had immediately wanted to tell Buffy, to share this new step in her Getting-Over-Oz Saga with her best friend, but just as fast as the happy came to her, it disappeared when she remembered that Buffy wasn't in the room with her. Buffy was out with Riley. Again. With that thought, Willow had put away her writing stuff, gotten under her covers, and gone to sleep feeling sad and alone all over again.

Willow stood up from her table and moved over to the garbage, throwing away her still half full coffee cup. Her thoughts now turned away from Oz and towards something else that she wished she could share with her slayer best friend. Though I probably wouldn't share this with Buffy yet, even if I could get a hold of her for more than ten minutes. Willow gathered up her school bag and started walking towards one of the dorm's common rooms. She was meeting Tara today before class.

Tara… Willow couldn't deny that Tara was where her thoughts went when she thought about… potential spankings. The two witches had been caught in a weird space recently. I know she has… more than friendly feelings for me. And I'm pretty sure I have more than friendly feelings for her… Though Willow had felt the tension between them for weeks now, it hadn't been until their last meeting that their mutual more-than-friendly-feelings for each other had become apparent to them both. Really apparent. 100 percent, big, giant, gay elephant in the room apparent. After their spell to pluck petals off a rose went all wonky, Willow and Tara had put aside their magic books. They were too scared to try any other spells after Willow had identified an unknown, dark power in Sunnydale. Willow had known that she should call Giles or Buffy right away to let them know, but that would have undoubtedly led to a Scooby meeting and that would've meant that Willow would have had to leave Tara's room. Willow had known that she didn't want to do that yet. Instead, Tara had asked Willow to tell her about another one of her Scooby adventures. Willow had gladly indulged her, starting in on one of her very typical Willow-ramblings.

They had been sitting rather close to each other on Tara's bed, Willow remembered as she climbed down some stairs. Tara had shifted closer to her somewhere during Willow's description of her alternate universe vampire twin. Willow remembered how hyper aware she had been of Tara's proximity, of the shy smile that was tugging at the corner of the other girl's lips when Willow told her about how skanky she thought her doppelganger had been. Willow's steps faltered a little bit as she remembered how Tara's hand had timidly closed around her own. Willow's cheeks went red as she remembered how she had cut herself off mid-ramble as soon as she felt Tara's hand on hers. She remembered how instead of being flustered, like every other time she had found herself this close to Tara, Willow had felt bold. Maybe it was the success of their trick with the rose. Maybe it was the fact that Willow was starting to get sick of letting Tara's shy, yet obvious advances go unanswered. Whatever it was, Willow had closed what little distance had been between them to press their lips together in a sweet, slow kiss. Sweet, lady-type smoochies, Willow thought now as she neared the common room. Though it hadn't been the first time that they had found themselves in a compromising position, it was certainly the first time that either one of them had been so forward. Willow had tried not to have a major wiggins at her own nerve, and she had mostly succeeded. After breaking apart, the two girls had just smiled at each other sheepishly. Willow hadn't run off or had a meltdown or anything. But we didn't talk about it either, Willow thought as she finally entered the common room and sat down by a window. Indeed, Willow had just continued her story as though she had never stopped, and Tara let her talk, quietly interrupting every now and then to ask a clarifying question or make a joke that Willow would have never been able to understand if she hadn't been studying magic. Maybe I should have said something. Maybe Tara was expecting me to say something. Why didn't I say something, Willow thought, now starting to work herself into a slight panic as she scanned the room, looking to see if Tara had walked in yet.

Not seeing her, and calming herself a little, Willow turned her thoughts back to her current situation. Things have always been… charged between us. At first I thought it was just magic-like charge. But after a while, I could tell it wasn't just wicca stuff. It was the-way-Tara-looks-at-me-stuff. And the-way-I-feel-when-she-looks-at-me-that-way-stuff. And very specific, definitely not heterosexual dreams starring Tara as the lead romantic role opposite myself. Willow took a deep breath, still looking around the room for the said star of her not heterosexual dreams. Willow finally spotted her walking into the room. Now Tara was the one looking around for Willow, and Willow raised her arm in a wave to get her attention. Tara saw her, and Willow's insides melted at the look of joy that always crossed Tara's face whenever she laid eyes on her. Oh boy…

Well, that went well. If by well, I mean horribly, Willow thought as she sadly gazed after the retreating form of the decidedly disappointed witch. Willow sagged back into the chair she was sitting in, not really feeling up to going to class or even the Bronze later tonight. If she didn't feel like her and Buffy were completely drifting apart, Willow would've called off the gathering the second Tara mentioned wanting to hang out. Willow felt like a jerk. Why didn't I just accept the crystal? It obviously would have made her happy. Willow rubbed her eyes in frustration, crossed her arms, and stared down at her shoes, thinking. I feel like if I had accepted the crystal from her, it would have meant more than just accepting a gift from a friend. I would have felt like… like I was accepting feelings and…stuff… And I mean, it's not that I don't have feelings. I just don't know what it would mean right now. Am I gay? Willow exhaled, thinking about her alter vampire ego. She had gotten the distinct impression that vamp-Willow was definitely interested in women. Did that mean anything? And what about Oz? What would Willow liking Tara mean about Willow's relationship with Oz? It wasn't a lie, she decided firmly. I loved him… past tense. Very past tense.

And with that, Willow resolved to try and move things forward with Tara. It doesn't matter who I dated before or what I am or am not. All that matters is that when I'm with her, I don't feel like lame, nerdy, or mistreated Willow. I feel like a Willow who is being remade every time she looks at me. Like I matter again. Like… like maybe she could love me, someday. And maybe I could love her too. Willow grabbed her bags, feeling newly energized. After class, she would happily meet up with her friends at the Bronze. She missed them and felt mostly alone when she wasn't with Tara. Then tomorrow, Willow would call Tara to hang out again. I'm not exactly sure what'll happen. But who knows, maybe I finally won't be the only person in the Scooby gang not getting spanked.

'The best laid plans' all right. Willow huffed angrily. She was walking back to her dorm room from the Bronze, a stake clutched tightly in one hand and a cross dangling from her neck. Xander had offered to walk her back, but Willow got the clear impression that if she had taken him up on his offer, Anya wouldn't have liked it at all. She probably has big, sex-type plans for him. And those plans don't exactly include walking third-wheel Willow home, taking time away from their sexcapades. Willow kicked angrily at a rock and shifted the stake from her left hand to her right. She had been unconsciously squeezing the weapon harder in her anger and she didn't want to get a splinter.

So much for getting the gang back together. So much for trying to salvage my friendship with Buffy. So much for Xander always being there for me. Willow entered her building and immediately removed the cross from her neck and loosened her grip on the stake. She took the stairs to her floor two at a time. It was past midnight, but Willow wasn't tired. She thought idly about casting a spell on Riley and Xander that would make them sexually inept for the night. Is there even a spell for that? Willow wondered, opening the door to her room and placing her stake and necklace on her dresser. She thought about maybe going through some of her books to see if there was such a spell. Even if there was, I bet I wouldn't be able to work it out. Knowing me, I would probably end up giving them extra-large nether parts. Willow cast her eye over her spell books, not really seeing them. No, Willow didn't want to take away her friends' fun, temptingly hilarious though it sounded. What Willow really wanted was to actually spend some time with someone who wasn't too busy to give her the time of day. Someone like Tara. Someone who was specifically Tara, really.

Willow looked over at the clock. It was late. Way too late to be going over to someone else's dorm room. If I show up at Tara's at this hour, what in the world would she think it was for? I know what I would think it was for. Non-friendly things. But let's be honest here. Non-friendly things is exactly what I want. I was brave enough to kiss her the other night, I can be that brave again. Right? Deciding that yes, she could be that brave again, Willow grabbed her room keys, walked out of her dorm and locked the door behind her.

A beaming Tara held open the door for Willow as she stepped inside. Now that she was here, Willow wasn't exactly sure what to do. Her only motivation for coming over was for possible smoochies, and now that she was actually faced with Tara, Willow wasn't sure how she was supposed to get around to the smoochying.

"S-so, what did you have in mind?" Tara asked. She was so obviously excited, still smiling from ear to ear at Willow.

Oh I don't know. Tara-lips on Willow-lips. Something like that. Willow cast her eye around Tara's room and saw the doll's eye crystal that she had turned down earlier that day. Oh good. Spells. That's a thing to do. "Wanna try something out with your crystal," Willow offered. "I was almost going to do a spell earlier but I thought better of it."

"What were you going to try?" Tara asked as she went over to her dresser to retrieve the crystal and a spell book.

"Oh, nothing serious," Willow's voice went up an octave. "Just, you know, wanted to mess around with my friends. I was only kidding," she waved her arms in a 'forget I said anything' kind of way.

"Why? I thought you and your friends w-were really close," Tara sat on the floor and gestured for Willow to sit opposite her. Willow complied and Tara began flipping through the book she grabbed.

"We are. Were. Are. I don't know anymore," Willow shrugged. "I guess we're just drifting apart. Xander isn't in school, he's always working or with Anya. Buffy can't get enough of her new boyfriend and his… friends." Willow was trying really hard to keep the bitterness out of her voice, but she could tell it wasn't working. Tara could too. She looked up from her book and fixed her eyes on Willow, her eyebrows coming together to form a worried expression. Willow couldn't help but notice how attuned the other girl always was to her feelings. Not even Buffy could always tell when she was upset. Willow's eyes wandered downward and stopped at Tara's lips. Why are we sitting so far apart, darn it.

"H-have you ever w-watched Hocus Pocus?" Tara asked suddenly.

"Huh?" Willow said, forcing herself to stop looking at Tara's lips and concentrate on what the other girl was saying instead.

"Hocus Pocus. It w-was one of my favorite movies when I w-was a kid," Tara explained patiently.

"I think I might have," Willow answered, not sure where Tara was going with this. "Maybe when I was little. Why?"

"D-do you want to w-watch it?" Tara asked, a little nervously.

Willow looked down at the doll's eye crystal and the spell book Tara was holding. If they both got started in on one spell or another, Willow knew it would keep them occupied for the rest of the night, easily. But if they were both to get comfy on Tara's bed and put on a movie… Definitely has smoochie potential. Willow gave the other girl a small smile. "Sure, that sounds fun."

"I th-thought maybe i-it would get your mind off y-your friends," Tara explained as she went to find her copy of Hocus Pocus and put the tape in her VCR. She climbed onto her bed and Willow joined her. They both faced the television, sitting cross legged and leaning against Tara's headboard.

"That's sweet of you," Willow said, giving Tara's knee a small squeeze. "I think something like this is exactly what I need." Tara gave Willow her usual half smile through the curtain of hair that fell around her face. "I'm glad I c-could help," she said.

What were we supposed to be watching again? Hocus Pocus… wait a second! "Hey!" Willow exclaimed, ruining the semi-romantic vibe that had begun to settle in around the two girls and startling Tara enough that she flinched. "Isn't this some Halloween movie that depicts a very stereotypical view on witches? Tara, this is just false advertising. Gives us witches a bad name…" And before she knew how to stop herself, Willow was Willow-rambling through the opening of the movie and Tara was gazing at Willow in amusement.

"…and with the whole broomstick thing, I mean come on," was what Willow was in the middle of saying when Tara interrupted her by leaning over and kissing her square on the lips. Oh, Willow thought, instinctively kissing Tara back. This was a very effective way to stop my babbling. Tara moved away, and Willow fell forward slightly, not anticipating the other girl's sudden vanishing act. Willow blinked and tried to focus on Tara's face. She was biting her bottom lip and looked like she was trying to form a sentence. Willow had already noticed that Tara's stutter was worse when she was emotionally distraught (Willow remembered how Tara could barely get a word out when Willow had told her about Oz, or when Tara had told her about her own sexuality). Willow figured Tara was trying to work up the nerve to explain away her lips on Willow's, but Willow didn't want Tara to feel like she had to explain anything. And anyway, I wasn't done with the Tara smoochies. Willow brought her slightly shaking hands to Tara's face brushing Tara's cheeks with her thumbs. This was the most intimate they've been yet, and though Willow had been intimate with Oz plenty of times, this was her first time with a girl. She wasn't sure if she was supposed to act differently, or touch her differently. All Willow knew was that she wanted to touch Tara, everywhere and all at once. Tara's lips moved as if to try and say something, but Willow pressed themselves together again, effectively cutting Tara off before she could say anything.

Willow's brain switched to auto-pilot now, acting and reacting solely based on want. Willow wanted to part Tara's lips with her tongue, so she did. Willow wanted to let Tara grab her by the waist and pull her closer to her, so she did. Willow wanted to trail kisses down Tara's neck and chest, so she did. Willow wanted both of their clothes removed immediately, so she removed Tara's and let Tara remove hers. Soon, they were both entangled and naked, and Willow was letting Tara take the lead. Tara looked up at Willow more than a couple times, silently asking for permission to touch her. Willow gave her consent each time, nodding slightly or bringing the other girl to her so she could crash their lips together again.

Willow was curled against Tara's back, acting as the big spoon. The feeling of her chest pressed into Tara's skin was enough to drive Willow crazy, and they had both gone for three or four rounds already. Willow raised her head from the pillow to check the time on the clock. It was almost four in the morning. As tempting as the thought of turning Tara around and going for a fifth or sixth round was, Willow was exhausted. She lay her head back down and pulled Tara closer to her, tangling her legs with the other girl's and burying her nose in Tara's hair.

"Hmm," Tara hummed happily. Willow smiled at the sound. She had got to hear Tara make all kinds of fun sounds earlier. That was the only way they had communicated. Through small noises, shy exhales and louder than planned moans. They still hadn't talked about what they were doing. What we did. For hours. Willow's face broke out into a wider smile, her tongue pressed up against her teeth. Tara must have felt her mouth move against her neck. "W-willow?" She mumbled.

Willow's body tensed slightly, and her smile vanished. She didn't know what she expected Tara to say. "Yea?" She whispered back nervously.

"A-are you okay?" The concern in Tara's voice made Willow feel ashamed for being afraid of what Tara might have said. She brushed her lips against Tara's neck. "Very okay. You?"

"Oh, yes."

They went quiet again. Willow didn't know what else to say right now. She still wasn't sure that she wanted to put a label on what they were, or what she was. All I know is that tonight was magical. More magical than any other night of doing actual spells… Spells. Willow had an idea. "Hey Tara," she said.

"Hmm?"

"I, uh, really enjoyed it. Those spells." Willow held her breath, wondering if Tara would understand. Tara was silent for half a beat before she answered, "Y-yeah. I'll probably be thinking about th-that last… spell… for a w-while."

Willow grinned again, elated that Tara had picked up on what she was trying to do. "Yeah. Me too."

End