Hi everyone :) This is pretty angsty, I feel. More angsty than the stuff I usually write, so if that levels it out for you. But yeah, I really need this scene to happen and the idea just wouldn't leave my head, so I just had to write it out. If you're like me and you like listening to music while reading fics, I 100% recommend Birdy's cover of "Shelter", because it was my inspiration for writing this and it's truly just such a gorgeous song. Also, if it isn't too much to ask do you think you can leave some sort of a review? It doesn't has to be long or anything, I'd just love to hear your thoughts on this. Thanks so much; I hope you enjoy!
She usually looked so peaceful when she slept; the way her chest rose and fell ever so slightly comforted him in every way he'd even considered possible. Her breathing was so steady and light; she would always look so at ease, which was something he rarely ever got the chance to experience since she was always so busy and stressed, carrying the weight of everybody else and her own demons on her shoulders.
But she wasn't like that tonight, not at all.
It was three AM and the roaring storm outside was nothing in comparison to the sight before Toby inside the Hastings household. Spencer's breathing was heavy, pained almost; it was like she was being chased, or attacked, or worse. As it had been before she had drifted off to sleep, her arm was rested over his chest, only now it was twitching; shaking, more like. It pained him more than words could even express to see her in such a state. As the tears began to cascade and she yelled out his name, Toby tried once again to save her from the nightmare that was tormenting her.
"Spencer..." he started gently as he stroked her cheek with his the outside of his thumb. "Spencer, wake up. Please, baby wake up. It's just a dream..." He rubbed her back soothingly as he desperately tried to rescue her.
Suddenly and frantically, her eyes shot open; her breathing quickened and it was at an alarmingly frightening pace. "Toby I'm so sorry," she breathed out to him. Her eyes were blinking rapidly, and she was definitely looking at him... Except it was almost like she wasn't really there, like she was still somehow asleep. She was so distant, so upset, and he had no resemblance of an idea as to why.
"Shhhh it's okay," he soothed. He didn't know what her nightmare had been about, but he was sure that she had nothing to be sorry about; he wasn't about to let her feel like she did, in any way. "You don't have anything to feel sorry about, Spence."
She shook her head immediately, which was to be expected because just because he told her otherwise didn't mean that she was automatically going to change her mind. "Yes, I do."
He was still baffled, having not even a guess to what she was referring to. He flashed her a look that asked her just that.
"I scratched your name into your mother's headstone," she blurted out, her entire body shaking.
He hadn't known that. But he wasn't about to get angry at her now, not when she was in such a state as she was. He was going to let her explain.
"I was just... You were... I..." She was trying to do that, to explain, but her sobs just wouldn't calm themselves down enough to do so.
"Oh Spencer..." He spoke to her softly. It was like if his voice was to crescendo even the slightest bit, Spencer would shatter worse than a fragile shard of glass.
"I'm so sorry..." she said to him again. Burying her face into his shoulder, she allowed the tears to fall freely, and freely was definitely the right word to describe it; the liquidized salt droplets did not have an end in their near sight. Spencer wanted to talk to him, to hug him and kiss him and sort all their issues out. She wanted to explain herself, tell him how unbelievably sorry she was... For everything she did in spite of him during their time apart. But her emotions had other plans, and in place of her voice was a never-ending symphony of sobs.
"C'mere," he whispered, wrapping her in his warm embrace. He couldn't stand seeing her this way. "I got you, Spence." His voice cracked. He wasn't sure why it was she did what she did to his mother's grave, but his best bet it that it happened sometime when she spiraling out of control; when he had broken her heart. "I got you."
"No..." She lifted her head up off his chest. "Toby. Did you hear what I said? I carved your name into your mother's headstone... Who... who does that? Toby... I ruined that and I ruined us just like I ruin everything and I - "
"Hey," he replied to her instantly. He cups his hands, outlining the creases of her face. What was she talking about? If anybody ruined them, it was most definitely him. "Don't talk like that."
"But I do, don't I?" She was still shaking. "Your name will always be there: in that headstone, the place where you go to visit your mom on her birthday and on your hard days and just... It's supposed to be sacred to her, to the both of you. You don't deserve that... I just, who the hell does something like that? I screw everything up. None of this would have ever happened if I just... If I..."
"If you what, Spencer?" This wasn't her fault. None of it was. He'd be damned if he ever let her believe anything otherwise.
She shook her head, trying to come up with something she could have possibly done to prevent this. But he sees her start to draw a blank. "I don't know."
"Exactly," he said. Leaning in, Toby kissed away the tiny salt crystals still falling from her eyes, which were now a hybrid of blood-shot red and ebony brown. "There was nothing you could have done. The whole thing is just one big screwed up mess, and I only made it worse. I tried to end it all, but it all blew up in my face. You got caught up in the debris, and I could never be more sorry about anything if I tried..."
He sighed.
"I'm so sorry things happened the way that they did." Toby inhaled, using every bit of energy he had to hold back the water works were then threatening to fall down the trail of his cheeks. He couldn't surrender to them; he needed to stay strong for her.
"I'm sorry for everything, Spencer. I'm sorry that I hurt you so bad. I'm sorry that I didn't come visit you at Radley and tell you I was alive. I'm sorry I couldn't stop you from suffering as badly as you did. You have every right to feel the way you did, to do the things you did. After you found me out... that night in your kitchen... you felt betrayed and hurt and devastated. You weren't sure if I ever even loved you at all..." No longer could he hold back his back his emotions; the tears were cascading down his face. "I am so beyond sorry that I made you feel that way, Spencer. If I could take it all back, I swear to you I would do it."
Spencer was now caressing his face, wiping away the tears that fell. They were both so broken in that moment, but Toby couldn't help but feel somewhat guilty; he was supposed to be the one comforting her, not the other way around.
"So don't you see? If anybody should be sorry, it's me." He took Spencer's hands in his, looking her square in the eye to make sure that she understood the message he was trying to convey. "Please realize that."
After a moment, Spencer eventually bobbed her head into a nod. She understood.
They let some time pass before saying anything else; for then, they were perfectly content relishing in the illusive sense of silence, listening to the beating of the rain and the cracking of the thunder. Wrapped in each other's embraces, they wouldn't let anything touch them.
Everything Toby did was so that he could protect her, though in the end he only caused her pain. Sure, he'd kept Mona from causing her any physical harm, but the emotional aspect of everything was the area in which Toby was completely and totally impotent in. He was so powerless over it all, and it broke his heart to know how broken she had become when his only intent was to fix things, to make her life better and free her of "A."
"I love you with all my heart," Spencer whispered after a while, breaking the unspoken vow of silence. "You know that, right?"
"Of course I do," he whispered back. It all felt like a dream to him; never in his wildest dreams had he ever imagined she would take him back and forgive him as selflessly as she did, yet here they were and he couldn't be more indebted. He placed a gentle kiss on her temple as he counted his lucky stars. "And I love you with mine."
The sound of her crying ignited something in him; it was a sound that he rarely ever heard, or even imagined, so an unsettling thought suddenly creeped back up into his head. "Spence?"
Her face still buried into his chest, Spencer murmured a barely audible "hmm" in response.
"Mona told me something," he started nervously. "About our anniversary."
Suddenly very alert, she picked her head up from his sheltering body and looked up into his deeply troubled face. She was listening with all of her senses.
"You came by that night?" he questioned, and as soon as he said it out loud, Toby could sense that Spencer knew exactly where this conversation was going.
She nodded back at him and almost in unison they sighed sorrowfully.
"I skipped town literally right after I left your house. I hadn't been at the loft at all..." he continues. "I swear, if I was home, I would have come out for you... I wouldn't have left you there..."
He was sure that tears were falling down his cheek, because as soon as he said that last word he felt the girl in his arms clearing them all away. He didn't feel he deserved it, but that didn't mean he didn't welcome it and appreciate it in the most adoring and thankful kind of ways.
"I'm sorry," he said once more, meaning it with every fiber of his being.
"Hey," she croaked out almost inaudibly. "I know you are. And I forgive you... I do. But I need you to do me a favor."
He nodded, playing with her fingers as he waited for her to go on.
"I need you to stop apologizing to me. Okay? There's nothing either of us can do to change all that happened, and if anything it's only made us stronger. I'm sorry too, but apologizing doesn't change anything. Please know that."
He stopped toying with her fingers then. He stopped doing everything, actually; perhaps even breathing. Looking into Spencer's beautiful mocha eyes Toby could do nothing but stare in awe. It was true what she said; now they were stronger than ever. No more secrets. Those secrets were what ripped into things and tarnished even the most pure. But they were safe now and knew that no matter what road bumps the universe had planned for them, they would get through it. Just like they always do. This bump had only further proved that true love really does conquer all.
They didn't need words anymore. Staring far into the souls underlying the other's eyes, they simultaneously leaned in closer to one another; because "close" was just never close enough. Fluttering their eyes shut, all at once their lips were colliding, and they briefly wondered to themselves how they could have possibly gotten this lucky. Wasn't it only weeks ago when they'd been so sure that a moment like this one would never come around again? That they'd never again have the chance to be with each other in this way?
The kiss was soft and slow and tender as they savored the moment, each intoxicated by the other and still quite drowsy from only waking up a few moments before this one. They were tired, but with their lips pressed up against the other's, they somehow couldn't feel more alive.
"Remember when I told you not to let me go?" Spencer whispered against his lips suddenly, reluctantly breaking away from the static, poetry-like contact.
Yes," he murmured back. A tender smile etched over his features as he remembered that reunion they'd shared together in the streets of Rosewood when he firt returned from Bucks.
"Well this time I mean it," she told him, smiling softly. "Please don't ever let me go. Ever. I need you here with me, even if I don't always show it or say it... I always need you, Toby."
Toby felt a pang inside his heart; it was a mixture of need and of adoration and if he was being completely honest with himself, of guilt. He kissed her once more, and whispered to her softly, "I won't. I promise, I will do everything in my power to never leave you again."
And it was true, what he had told her after their first time being with each other in that intimate kind of way. He was exactly where he needed to be; wherever she was, whatever she was doing, he belonged there.