Disclaimer: Behold my genius! Actually, no. I don't own Fushigi Yugi or
any of it's characters. They all belong to the great Yuu Watase, Flower
Comics, and all those other lucky people. I do own Tanika, though, cause
she came out of my twisted little mind
Author's Notes: This is the first part of a four chapter story taking place throughout the series. Part one takes place during the events of episode 18 when Tasuki, Mitsukake, and Chiriko (Amiboshi) first arrive at the palace. Oh yeah, that's another thing. At this point, Chiriko is Amiboshi. This first chapter is rated R for a lot of implied sex and Tasuki's eloquent use of the f-bomb.
One more note. This chapter contains some shonen-ai between Nuriko and Tasuki. However, that's just to add to the comedy of the fic. They will not become a couple in any way, shape, or form. Yes, I am one of the few people left that still believes Tasuki is straight. Speaking of comedy, to get the full effect out of this fic, just imagine Tasuki being SD about 99% of the time.
Thinking is in * *
1 Tasuki's Harem Trouble Part 1: Ode to A Stalker
Lady Tanika watched the scene on the other side of the courtyard with an amused smile. Emperor Hotohori had just returned from wherever he had gone with Nuriko and Suzaku no Miko. The monk, Chichiri had just run out of the palace to greet them. Tanika smirked. The blue haired seishi had fooled everyone in the palace by impersonating Hotohori so that the real emperor could go gallivanting off with his precious miko. That is, he fooled everyone but Tanika. When it came to Hotohori, Tanika knew just about everything.
The young harem woman leaned against the railing of the walkway and brushed a strand of deep black hair away from her face.
"Heika-sama is just so handsome," she sighed out loud. "The only thing that could make him absolutely perfect would be if he had red hair."
Tanika giggled at her own comment. Ever since she reached adolescence, she had always been obsessed with red heads. There was something about red hair that never failed to excite her. In fact, whenever she saw a man with red hair, she would get an uncontrollable craving for sweet loving. Unfortunately, there were no red heads in the entire palace.
Tanika was about to head back to her chambers when something appeared in the corner of her eye. Accompanying Hotohori were three people Tanika had never seen before. One was very tall with spiky black hair and a little white and brown cat perched on his shoulder. The second was a young man with dull blonde hair, holding a wooden flute. Tanika paid no attention to them, mostly because her eyes were glued on the third person. He wore a long black coat with a tessen strapped to his back. More importantly, he had the reddest hair Tanika had ever seen! Tanika could feel her feminine hormones kick into overdrive. All reason left her mind. The only thing she could think of was jumping on top of that red head and having the wildest night of both their lives.
"Yes!" she proclaimed out loud to no one in particular. "I swear by the holy power of Suzaku that I will get that man and screw him silly every day…twice on Sundays!"
* * *
"Oi, Nuriko! Have you noticed that lady?"
"Which lady?"
"The one that keeps staring at me."
Nuriko glanced beyond Tasuki's shoulder. Sure enough, there was a young woman peeking out from behind one of the columns in the dining room.
"Oh her. Yeah, I've seen her before. She's a member of the harem. I think her name is…Tanika. Oh yeah, now I remember. She's got this obsessive sex drive when it comes to red heads."
Tasuki gulped. "I'm in deep shit aren't I?"
Nuriko smiled and nodded. "Yep!"
* * *
As Tasuki made his way to the room Hotohori had given him, he had the feeling that someone was following him. Without warning, he swung his fist out behind him and connected with something…or somebody. Tasuki stopped when a stunned young woman collapsed at his feet.
"Oh shit! Sorry, I didn't mean to slug you jo-chan. You ok?"
The lady suddenly reached up and grabbed Tasuki's shirt, yanking him down to the floor with her.
"Not only are you mad hot, but you're sensitive too," she purred into his ear.
Tasuki's eyes widened when he realized one of her hands was wrapped around his fingers and the other was trying to take his shirt off.
"Whoa! Hold on!" Tasuki yelped. "What the hell do you think you're doing!?"
"What does it look like I'm doing, Tasuki-chan?" Tanika smiled coyly.
"I think you're trying to fucking rape me!" Tasuki screeched as he tried to wriggle out of Tanika's grip and get back on his feet.
Unfortunately, Tanika's death grip on his legs caused Tasuki to fall flat on his face. "Of coarse, koibito," Tanika snuggled closer to him. "It wouldn't be as much fun the honest way."
Tasuki, wide eyed with fear, took a deep breath before yelling at the top of his lungs. "HEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!"
In her surprise, Tanika accidentally let go of Tasuki. Taking full advantage of the situation, Tasuki leapt to his feet and bolted for his room.
Tanika watched him run away from her position on the floor with a very naughty smirk on her face. "Run all you want, Tasuki-chan. No red head has ever escaped the clutches of Lady Tanika.
* * *
Later that night, Tasuki was thoroughly enjoying sleeping in the palace. The beds were not only huge, but also just the right firmness. Unfortunately, the rustling of fabric against his face interrupted his comfortable sleep. Tasuki's eyes snapped open when he felt somebody's lips against his neck. Straddled over him was Tanika in what had to be the most scandalous nightgown ever created by any man or god.
At that moment, all Tasuki wanted to do was scream and run away. Unfortunately, Tanika had made sure that he could do neither. Both of Tasuki's wrists were securely tied to the bedposts and his mouth was gagged with a piece of silk. Tasuki suddenly realized that he was also shirtless at that moment. Tanika seemed to realize this too, considering how her hands were all over his chest.
Tasuki could feel his face redden. This was definitely not how he expected a harem woman to act. *K'sou! Where did Hotohori find this one?* Tanika leaned over and began to play sensually with Tasuki's fiery hair at that point.
"Such beautiful hair," she purred. "Red hair just excites me so much."
*Please!* Tasuki's mind screamed. *Can't anybody hear me? Nuriko, Chichiri, somebody help me!*
At that moment, the door to Tasuki's room opened up and Nuriko stepped in. The purple haired seishi stared blankly at the two people on the bed. He stifled a laugh as he watched a bound and gagged Tasuki trying to escape from under Tanika.
"I can see you're busy right now, Tasuki. I'll come back later," Nuriko turned to leave.
Tasuki was finally able to spit out his silk gag. "Matte! Save me Nuriko! I'm too young for this!"
Nuriko gave Tasuki a sly smile. "What are you talking about? Didn't you tell me that Kouji took you to a brothel when you first joined the bandits?"
"You're a bandit?" Tanika gasped. "Good. I like it rough."
"Aaarg! Nurikooooo!"
"Fine, Fine, Tasuki. I'll help you out just this once."
Nuriko walked over to the bed, slung Tanika over his shoulder and deposited her outside. After making sure the door was locked, Nuriko proceeded to untie Tasuki.
"What did I tell you?" he berated the blushing seishi. "I told you that she had a wild sex drive when she saw a red head."
"Yeah, but you didn't say how wild," Tasuki grumbled as he massaged his newly freed wrists. "So now what am I supposed to do? She's not gonna stop until she's screwed the fucking daylights outa me!"
"Don't you want someone to 'screw the fucking daylights' out of you?"
"Not her!"
Nuriko shook his head. "Well, Tasuki-kun, we can't have you going insane before Suzaku is summoned. So, I guess it's up to me to save your butt."
"How can you do that?"
"I've learned in the harem that the only thing that will deter a woman from her target is if the target is already taken. Luckily, for you, only Miaka, Hotohori, and the rest of the Suzaku sichiseishi know that I'm a man. The entire harem still thinks I'm a woman."
Tasuki stared at him blankly. "That's nice. So how'z that gonna save me from the psycho chick?"
Nuriko promptly punched the red head into the wall. "Baka! Haven't you been listening? I'm going to pose as your girlfriend to keep Tanika away."
"Nani! But you're a guy! I'm not some pervert like you!"
Nuriko sighed. "Look at it this way, Tasuki-kun. Would you rather deal with me or Her?"
The bandit buried his head in his pillow. "You," he mumbled.
"Great!" Nuriko exclaimed brightly. "In that case, meet me in my chambers tomorrow morning to discuss our strategy." The effeminate seishi waved and skipped out the door.
Tasuki sweatdropped and stared at the ceiling. "Suzaku…What the hell did I do to deserve this?"
* * *
The next morning, Tasuki stumbled down the hallway to Nuriko's room. His eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep and his legs felt like they were walking through quicksand. So tired was Tasuki that he didn't even notice a certain member of the harem running toward him.
"Tasuki-chaaaaaan!" she called. "Care to start where we left off last night?"
It was at that moment that Tasuki looked up. His eyes widened in terror as he saw.
Tanika rushing toward him. Tasuki tried to turn tail and run, but his legs refused to move. Suddenly, a hand shot out of nowhere and dragged Tasuki into the closest room. Tasuki crashed into somebody as the doors slammed shut behind him.
"Why Tasuki-kun, I didn't know you cared."
Tasuki immediately realized that the thing he crashed into was Nuriko's chest. The bandit pushed himself away with a yelp of surprise.
"You hentai! What makes you think I'm like "that"!?"
Nuriko giggled. "Relax, Tasuki-kun. I'm only teasing. Now, let's get down to business."
From some hidden pocket in space, Nuriko pulled out a huge chart covered in rough sketches of two people in the most "interesting" positions. Tasuki sweat dropped when he saw that the chart was entitled "Positions for Hotohori and Me". Only Hotohori's name was crossed out and the word Tasuki was roughly written next to it. Nuriko suddenly appeared in a general's outfit and Tasuki realized that he was in camouflage gear with a helmet on his head.
"Now then, the only way to deter the enemy from her course of action is to appear to be sexually engaged," Nuriko began to point to various drawings. "Therefore, when the enemy attempts to infiltrate you room tonight, we will be in position one. Should the enemy react in shock, move to position four. If the enemy reacts in horror, position three will be used. Anger will result in position six and heartbroken sorrow will be position two."
"Ne, Nuriko, is all of this really necessary?"
"This is harem politics, Private Tasuki! Without a strategy, we will be annihilated!"
"Oh."
Nuriko continued. "Once the initial reaction has passed, the enemy will inevitably act. In the highly unlikely event that she should leave, we will end contact. Should she enter the room, we will engage position ten. If she storms in, we will use position thirteen. Should she storm in with a desire for either of our blood, we will use position seventeen. In the event that the enemy should just stand there and watch, we will alternate between positions eleven, twelve, fourteen, fourteen B, sixteen, twenty, and nineteen until such time as I can think of a better plan."
"Hold on," Tasuki interrupted. "Don't I get a say in this?"
"No. Now take your shirt off."
"Nani! Why should I?"
Nuriko sighed. "Because you have until tonight to memorize all thirty-two positions."
"Wait a minute! You only mentioned twenty!"
"Um…yeah. The other twelve will be used if she decides to bring a friend."
Tasuki sweatdropped and glared at the heavens again. "Suzaku, you owe me big time for this!"
* * *
"Tasuki, why do you look so flushed no da?" Chichiri sat next to Tasuki at the banquet table for the evening meal.
Tasuki absentmindedly picked at his food. "I feel so violated," he mumbled to the older seishi.
Chichiri looked over at Nuriko who was flashing a mischievous smile at Tasuki. "What did Nuriko do to you no da?"
Tasuki sweatdropped. "Let's just say that I'm glad he let me keep my pants on."
"I guess I shouldn't ask no da."
"Arigatou."
Chichiri took a bite of his dinner and chewed carefully before he spoke again. "I know about what's happening with that harem woman no da."
Tasuki's face turned blue and he started to choke. Chichiri pounded the red head in the back until his face returned to a human color.
Once he could breathe again, Tasuki spoke. "How'd you know that? The only person I've told was Nuriko."
"Let's just say that you scream very loud no da," the monk chuckled. "I also saw her sneak into your room last night."
"So why didn't you help me?"
Chichiri shrugged. "I haven't known you for very long, so I didn't know if you had invited her to your room or not no da. If you had, I didn't want to intrude no da."
"Gee thanks. Ya got any advice on what I should do?"
Chichiri thought for a moment. "Actually, I do no da. Miaka and I have made plans to travel to Kutou and rescue Tamahome later tonight no da. We may need an extra person to help us no da. Are you interested in coming along?"
"Let me think. If I go with you, I can waltz into enemy territory and get myself killed. If I stay here, I can choose to deal with the sexual tendencies of Tanika or Nuriko. Hell yeah! I'm going with you!"
"There may be one little problem no da. I've already told the others that no one else should come with Miaka and me no da. It would be difficult for me to conceal more ki than necessary no da. If you can convince Miaka to let you come, I'll find a way to hide your ki as well."
"No problem! I know exactly how to convince her."
* * *
Tasuki scrambled back to his room after his conversation with Chichiri. All he needed to do now was grab his tessen and get to the throne room without being spotted by Nuriko or Tanika. As he picked up the tessen from his bed, Tasuki couldn't help but feel a deep sense of gratitude for Chichiri. Though he had just met the older seishi yesterday, Tasuki couldn't help feeling a strong friendship growing between them. While Tasuki was deep in thought over his new friend, he failed to see his own personal stalker standing right in the way.
"Wanna come to my room, koibito?" she playfully slid a hand under his shirt. "I've got a new way to play."
"Fuck!" Tasuki shouted and ran for dear life.
"Tasuki-kun!" Nuriko grabbed the bandit as he ran past. "Is she after you? Come on, let's get into position one!"
Before Tasuki could protest, he found himself on Nuriko's bed with the purple haired seishi kissing him. Nuriko hopped on top of him and tangled their legs together with waaaaaay too much enthusiasm.
"Yamatte!" Tasuki yelled as he pulled his head away. "I don't wanna do this!"
Nuriko got off of him and sat on the bed. "Oh. Well why didn't you say so? If you'd told me you didn't like the plan from the beginning, then I wouldn't have had to waste my time teaching you all of the positions. And I even ruined my 'Positions for Hotohori and Me' chart because of it. Why didn't you say anything?"
"Like you gave me a chance to voice my opinion!?"
"In that case," Nuriko dragged Tasuki out the door. "We'll figure out a new plan after we see Miaka and Chichiri off."
As the two of them passed the kitchens, Tasuki grabbed a nikuman and shoved it in his jacket pocket. After all, Suzaku no Miko could never resist a little bribery when food was involved.
"Taaaaaasukiiiiiiii!" Tasuki's entire body froze as the sound of Tanika's voice echoed throughout the palace.
"Run for it!" The bandit screamed.
This time, Tasuki was dragging Nuriko away. Both of them reached the throne room, where Miaka and Chichiri were preparing to leave for Kutou, in record time. Chichiri was discouraging Miaka from letting anyone else come along. * What a hypocrite*, Tasuki mused silently. The red headed seishi then pulled the meat pastry out of his pocket and easily "convinced" Miaka and Chichiri to let him come along.
As Miaka said her good-byes, Tasuki could see Tanika running toward the throne room. "I owe you one, buddy," he whispered to Chichiri.
The monk nodded and touched his staff to his kesa. The kesa glowed bright white and the three of them began to sink in. As he disappeared into the light, Tasuki could see Tanika watching him. Her expression was a mixture of lust and disappointment.
Tasuki snickered internally.* So long, Tanika. I'm going to a place where you can't follow. Heh, the worst off I could be in Kutou is dead. Wait a minute! What the hell was I thinking!? Chichiri, I take back all the nice things I said about you earlier! You a-hou! When this is over, remind me to strangle you with your own fucking kesa!*
But, it was too late. Tasuki disappeared into the kesa en route to Kutou.
A/N: What do you think so far? Should I post the other parts of the story? Review and give me some feedback. Constructive criticism is welcome, but flames will be used to burn my Zoology lab book and notebook.
Author's Notes: This is the first part of a four chapter story taking place throughout the series. Part one takes place during the events of episode 18 when Tasuki, Mitsukake, and Chiriko (Amiboshi) first arrive at the palace. Oh yeah, that's another thing. At this point, Chiriko is Amiboshi. This first chapter is rated R for a lot of implied sex and Tasuki's eloquent use of the f-bomb.
One more note. This chapter contains some shonen-ai between Nuriko and Tasuki. However, that's just to add to the comedy of the fic. They will not become a couple in any way, shape, or form. Yes, I am one of the few people left that still believes Tasuki is straight. Speaking of comedy, to get the full effect out of this fic, just imagine Tasuki being SD about 99% of the time.
Thinking is in * *
1 Tasuki's Harem Trouble Part 1: Ode to A Stalker
Lady Tanika watched the scene on the other side of the courtyard with an amused smile. Emperor Hotohori had just returned from wherever he had gone with Nuriko and Suzaku no Miko. The monk, Chichiri had just run out of the palace to greet them. Tanika smirked. The blue haired seishi had fooled everyone in the palace by impersonating Hotohori so that the real emperor could go gallivanting off with his precious miko. That is, he fooled everyone but Tanika. When it came to Hotohori, Tanika knew just about everything.
The young harem woman leaned against the railing of the walkway and brushed a strand of deep black hair away from her face.
"Heika-sama is just so handsome," she sighed out loud. "The only thing that could make him absolutely perfect would be if he had red hair."
Tanika giggled at her own comment. Ever since she reached adolescence, she had always been obsessed with red heads. There was something about red hair that never failed to excite her. In fact, whenever she saw a man with red hair, she would get an uncontrollable craving for sweet loving. Unfortunately, there were no red heads in the entire palace.
Tanika was about to head back to her chambers when something appeared in the corner of her eye. Accompanying Hotohori were three people Tanika had never seen before. One was very tall with spiky black hair and a little white and brown cat perched on his shoulder. The second was a young man with dull blonde hair, holding a wooden flute. Tanika paid no attention to them, mostly because her eyes were glued on the third person. He wore a long black coat with a tessen strapped to his back. More importantly, he had the reddest hair Tanika had ever seen! Tanika could feel her feminine hormones kick into overdrive. All reason left her mind. The only thing she could think of was jumping on top of that red head and having the wildest night of both their lives.
"Yes!" she proclaimed out loud to no one in particular. "I swear by the holy power of Suzaku that I will get that man and screw him silly every day…twice on Sundays!"
* * *
"Oi, Nuriko! Have you noticed that lady?"
"Which lady?"
"The one that keeps staring at me."
Nuriko glanced beyond Tasuki's shoulder. Sure enough, there was a young woman peeking out from behind one of the columns in the dining room.
"Oh her. Yeah, I've seen her before. She's a member of the harem. I think her name is…Tanika. Oh yeah, now I remember. She's got this obsessive sex drive when it comes to red heads."
Tasuki gulped. "I'm in deep shit aren't I?"
Nuriko smiled and nodded. "Yep!"
* * *
As Tasuki made his way to the room Hotohori had given him, he had the feeling that someone was following him. Without warning, he swung his fist out behind him and connected with something…or somebody. Tasuki stopped when a stunned young woman collapsed at his feet.
"Oh shit! Sorry, I didn't mean to slug you jo-chan. You ok?"
The lady suddenly reached up and grabbed Tasuki's shirt, yanking him down to the floor with her.
"Not only are you mad hot, but you're sensitive too," she purred into his ear.
Tasuki's eyes widened when he realized one of her hands was wrapped around his fingers and the other was trying to take his shirt off.
"Whoa! Hold on!" Tasuki yelped. "What the hell do you think you're doing!?"
"What does it look like I'm doing, Tasuki-chan?" Tanika smiled coyly.
"I think you're trying to fucking rape me!" Tasuki screeched as he tried to wriggle out of Tanika's grip and get back on his feet.
Unfortunately, Tanika's death grip on his legs caused Tasuki to fall flat on his face. "Of coarse, koibito," Tanika snuggled closer to him. "It wouldn't be as much fun the honest way."
Tasuki, wide eyed with fear, took a deep breath before yelling at the top of his lungs. "HEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!"
In her surprise, Tanika accidentally let go of Tasuki. Taking full advantage of the situation, Tasuki leapt to his feet and bolted for his room.
Tanika watched him run away from her position on the floor with a very naughty smirk on her face. "Run all you want, Tasuki-chan. No red head has ever escaped the clutches of Lady Tanika.
* * *
Later that night, Tasuki was thoroughly enjoying sleeping in the palace. The beds were not only huge, but also just the right firmness. Unfortunately, the rustling of fabric against his face interrupted his comfortable sleep. Tasuki's eyes snapped open when he felt somebody's lips against his neck. Straddled over him was Tanika in what had to be the most scandalous nightgown ever created by any man or god.
At that moment, all Tasuki wanted to do was scream and run away. Unfortunately, Tanika had made sure that he could do neither. Both of Tasuki's wrists were securely tied to the bedposts and his mouth was gagged with a piece of silk. Tasuki suddenly realized that he was also shirtless at that moment. Tanika seemed to realize this too, considering how her hands were all over his chest.
Tasuki could feel his face redden. This was definitely not how he expected a harem woman to act. *K'sou! Where did Hotohori find this one?* Tanika leaned over and began to play sensually with Tasuki's fiery hair at that point.
"Such beautiful hair," she purred. "Red hair just excites me so much."
*Please!* Tasuki's mind screamed. *Can't anybody hear me? Nuriko, Chichiri, somebody help me!*
At that moment, the door to Tasuki's room opened up and Nuriko stepped in. The purple haired seishi stared blankly at the two people on the bed. He stifled a laugh as he watched a bound and gagged Tasuki trying to escape from under Tanika.
"I can see you're busy right now, Tasuki. I'll come back later," Nuriko turned to leave.
Tasuki was finally able to spit out his silk gag. "Matte! Save me Nuriko! I'm too young for this!"
Nuriko gave Tasuki a sly smile. "What are you talking about? Didn't you tell me that Kouji took you to a brothel when you first joined the bandits?"
"You're a bandit?" Tanika gasped. "Good. I like it rough."
"Aaarg! Nurikooooo!"
"Fine, Fine, Tasuki. I'll help you out just this once."
Nuriko walked over to the bed, slung Tanika over his shoulder and deposited her outside. After making sure the door was locked, Nuriko proceeded to untie Tasuki.
"What did I tell you?" he berated the blushing seishi. "I told you that she had a wild sex drive when she saw a red head."
"Yeah, but you didn't say how wild," Tasuki grumbled as he massaged his newly freed wrists. "So now what am I supposed to do? She's not gonna stop until she's screwed the fucking daylights outa me!"
"Don't you want someone to 'screw the fucking daylights' out of you?"
"Not her!"
Nuriko shook his head. "Well, Tasuki-kun, we can't have you going insane before Suzaku is summoned. So, I guess it's up to me to save your butt."
"How can you do that?"
"I've learned in the harem that the only thing that will deter a woman from her target is if the target is already taken. Luckily, for you, only Miaka, Hotohori, and the rest of the Suzaku sichiseishi know that I'm a man. The entire harem still thinks I'm a woman."
Tasuki stared at him blankly. "That's nice. So how'z that gonna save me from the psycho chick?"
Nuriko promptly punched the red head into the wall. "Baka! Haven't you been listening? I'm going to pose as your girlfriend to keep Tanika away."
"Nani! But you're a guy! I'm not some pervert like you!"
Nuriko sighed. "Look at it this way, Tasuki-kun. Would you rather deal with me or Her?"
The bandit buried his head in his pillow. "You," he mumbled.
"Great!" Nuriko exclaimed brightly. "In that case, meet me in my chambers tomorrow morning to discuss our strategy." The effeminate seishi waved and skipped out the door.
Tasuki sweatdropped and stared at the ceiling. "Suzaku…What the hell did I do to deserve this?"
* * *
The next morning, Tasuki stumbled down the hallway to Nuriko's room. His eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep and his legs felt like they were walking through quicksand. So tired was Tasuki that he didn't even notice a certain member of the harem running toward him.
"Tasuki-chaaaaaan!" she called. "Care to start where we left off last night?"
It was at that moment that Tasuki looked up. His eyes widened in terror as he saw.
Tanika rushing toward him. Tasuki tried to turn tail and run, but his legs refused to move. Suddenly, a hand shot out of nowhere and dragged Tasuki into the closest room. Tasuki crashed into somebody as the doors slammed shut behind him.
"Why Tasuki-kun, I didn't know you cared."
Tasuki immediately realized that the thing he crashed into was Nuriko's chest. The bandit pushed himself away with a yelp of surprise.
"You hentai! What makes you think I'm like "that"!?"
Nuriko giggled. "Relax, Tasuki-kun. I'm only teasing. Now, let's get down to business."
From some hidden pocket in space, Nuriko pulled out a huge chart covered in rough sketches of two people in the most "interesting" positions. Tasuki sweat dropped when he saw that the chart was entitled "Positions for Hotohori and Me". Only Hotohori's name was crossed out and the word Tasuki was roughly written next to it. Nuriko suddenly appeared in a general's outfit and Tasuki realized that he was in camouflage gear with a helmet on his head.
"Now then, the only way to deter the enemy from her course of action is to appear to be sexually engaged," Nuriko began to point to various drawings. "Therefore, when the enemy attempts to infiltrate you room tonight, we will be in position one. Should the enemy react in shock, move to position four. If the enemy reacts in horror, position three will be used. Anger will result in position six and heartbroken sorrow will be position two."
"Ne, Nuriko, is all of this really necessary?"
"This is harem politics, Private Tasuki! Without a strategy, we will be annihilated!"
"Oh."
Nuriko continued. "Once the initial reaction has passed, the enemy will inevitably act. In the highly unlikely event that she should leave, we will end contact. Should she enter the room, we will engage position ten. If she storms in, we will use position thirteen. Should she storm in with a desire for either of our blood, we will use position seventeen. In the event that the enemy should just stand there and watch, we will alternate between positions eleven, twelve, fourteen, fourteen B, sixteen, twenty, and nineteen until such time as I can think of a better plan."
"Hold on," Tasuki interrupted. "Don't I get a say in this?"
"No. Now take your shirt off."
"Nani! Why should I?"
Nuriko sighed. "Because you have until tonight to memorize all thirty-two positions."
"Wait a minute! You only mentioned twenty!"
"Um…yeah. The other twelve will be used if she decides to bring a friend."
Tasuki sweatdropped and glared at the heavens again. "Suzaku, you owe me big time for this!"
* * *
"Tasuki, why do you look so flushed no da?" Chichiri sat next to Tasuki at the banquet table for the evening meal.
Tasuki absentmindedly picked at his food. "I feel so violated," he mumbled to the older seishi.
Chichiri looked over at Nuriko who was flashing a mischievous smile at Tasuki. "What did Nuriko do to you no da?"
Tasuki sweatdropped. "Let's just say that I'm glad he let me keep my pants on."
"I guess I shouldn't ask no da."
"Arigatou."
Chichiri took a bite of his dinner and chewed carefully before he spoke again. "I know about what's happening with that harem woman no da."
Tasuki's face turned blue and he started to choke. Chichiri pounded the red head in the back until his face returned to a human color.
Once he could breathe again, Tasuki spoke. "How'd you know that? The only person I've told was Nuriko."
"Let's just say that you scream very loud no da," the monk chuckled. "I also saw her sneak into your room last night."
"So why didn't you help me?"
Chichiri shrugged. "I haven't known you for very long, so I didn't know if you had invited her to your room or not no da. If you had, I didn't want to intrude no da."
"Gee thanks. Ya got any advice on what I should do?"
Chichiri thought for a moment. "Actually, I do no da. Miaka and I have made plans to travel to Kutou and rescue Tamahome later tonight no da. We may need an extra person to help us no da. Are you interested in coming along?"
"Let me think. If I go with you, I can waltz into enemy territory and get myself killed. If I stay here, I can choose to deal with the sexual tendencies of Tanika or Nuriko. Hell yeah! I'm going with you!"
"There may be one little problem no da. I've already told the others that no one else should come with Miaka and me no da. It would be difficult for me to conceal more ki than necessary no da. If you can convince Miaka to let you come, I'll find a way to hide your ki as well."
"No problem! I know exactly how to convince her."
* * *
Tasuki scrambled back to his room after his conversation with Chichiri. All he needed to do now was grab his tessen and get to the throne room without being spotted by Nuriko or Tanika. As he picked up the tessen from his bed, Tasuki couldn't help but feel a deep sense of gratitude for Chichiri. Though he had just met the older seishi yesterday, Tasuki couldn't help feeling a strong friendship growing between them. While Tasuki was deep in thought over his new friend, he failed to see his own personal stalker standing right in the way.
"Wanna come to my room, koibito?" she playfully slid a hand under his shirt. "I've got a new way to play."
"Fuck!" Tasuki shouted and ran for dear life.
"Tasuki-kun!" Nuriko grabbed the bandit as he ran past. "Is she after you? Come on, let's get into position one!"
Before Tasuki could protest, he found himself on Nuriko's bed with the purple haired seishi kissing him. Nuriko hopped on top of him and tangled their legs together with waaaaaay too much enthusiasm.
"Yamatte!" Tasuki yelled as he pulled his head away. "I don't wanna do this!"
Nuriko got off of him and sat on the bed. "Oh. Well why didn't you say so? If you'd told me you didn't like the plan from the beginning, then I wouldn't have had to waste my time teaching you all of the positions. And I even ruined my 'Positions for Hotohori and Me' chart because of it. Why didn't you say anything?"
"Like you gave me a chance to voice my opinion!?"
"In that case," Nuriko dragged Tasuki out the door. "We'll figure out a new plan after we see Miaka and Chichiri off."
As the two of them passed the kitchens, Tasuki grabbed a nikuman and shoved it in his jacket pocket. After all, Suzaku no Miko could never resist a little bribery when food was involved.
"Taaaaaasukiiiiiiii!" Tasuki's entire body froze as the sound of Tanika's voice echoed throughout the palace.
"Run for it!" The bandit screamed.
This time, Tasuki was dragging Nuriko away. Both of them reached the throne room, where Miaka and Chichiri were preparing to leave for Kutou, in record time. Chichiri was discouraging Miaka from letting anyone else come along. * What a hypocrite*, Tasuki mused silently. The red headed seishi then pulled the meat pastry out of his pocket and easily "convinced" Miaka and Chichiri to let him come along.
As Miaka said her good-byes, Tasuki could see Tanika running toward the throne room. "I owe you one, buddy," he whispered to Chichiri.
The monk nodded and touched his staff to his kesa. The kesa glowed bright white and the three of them began to sink in. As he disappeared into the light, Tasuki could see Tanika watching him. Her expression was a mixture of lust and disappointment.
Tasuki snickered internally.* So long, Tanika. I'm going to a place where you can't follow. Heh, the worst off I could be in Kutou is dead. Wait a minute! What the hell was I thinking!? Chichiri, I take back all the nice things I said about you earlier! You a-hou! When this is over, remind me to strangle you with your own fucking kesa!*
But, it was too late. Tasuki disappeared into the kesa en route to Kutou.
A/N: What do you think so far? Should I post the other parts of the story? Review and give me some feedback. Constructive criticism is welcome, but flames will be used to burn my Zoology lab book and notebook.