FRENEMY MINE

Prologue

Six months ago

The jungles of San Lorenzo

HELGA

I guess I had only myself to blame, really.

So, here we were, on this big class trip to San Lorenzo. This was supposed to be my shot. Arnold was supposed to find his long lost parents, I was supposed to finally confess my undying love to him, for real this time, and we would fall in love, get married, travel the world together, invent my own personal perfume named after us, the whole nine yards…

…only it didn't work out quite like that.

Oh, sure, I tried, up there in the crow's nest, I poured out my feelings, but he was all "MY ISSUES", and I guess I probably should have paid more attention because love is about being attentive to his needs or some crap like that, and I may have freaked him out a bit by throwing myself at him like I did.

And then the pirates attacked, and then the boat exploded, and now we're all on this death march to Eduardo's village through the jungle, and I don't even have my locket to comfort me because I chucked it in the river. I kinda think in the moment.

We're all dealing, or not. Pinkboy's whining about going half an hour without food, Nature Girl's in hog heaven over all the rare bugs, Kid Psycho's gone native, and Princess is screwing around with her useless phone.

"Status update: on nature walk from hell. No luggage…because it exploded… no reception… so why I'm doing this I don't even know except it's the one thing keeping me sane…"

"Hey, Princess, lookin' good. And how is Mr. Frankenstein doing these days?" Goofing on people who annoy me was my coping mechanism.

"NOT in the mood, Helga", Her Royal Highness Rhonda Wellington Lloyd spat back at me. "This trip has been a TOTAL disaster. All my stuff exploded, my hair has straight up BETRAYED me, I'm being eaten alive by bugs they don't even have names for, and I can't even vent because we're in the middle of freaking NOWHERE! AGGH! I hate this jungle, I hate this country, I hate… OWWW!" She picked up a round rock that was sitting in her path. "And I hate this STUPID ROCK I just stubbed my toe on!"

'Ughh… why don't you whine more about it. That's a really attractive character trait there. You'll go far in the world, let me tell you.

"Lousy… stupid rock!" She flung it aside, where it cracked open, releasing a cloud of dust right in our faces.

Next to them, Phoebe had picked up the rock. "It's a geode. Curious… this doesn't seem to be geologically related to the indigenous strata…"

"So it's a special rock," Rhonda coughed. "It's still useless."

"One shouldn't dismiss an object based on a drab or displeasing exterior. You may miss the true value," she continued, showing off the shimmering crystals on the inside, "lurking just beneath the surface."

"I probably could make a pretty cool bracelet out of those," admitted Rhonda, her throat still a bit rough from all the dust.

"Right… are you done with your tantrum, Rondaloid?" I growled. My own throat was almost as irritated as I was "'Cause we're falling behind, and unless you wanna make friends with the local wildlife's insides, we really should catch up."

"Yeah, I'm coming," Richie Richette replied, half walking, half hopping along.

Six months later

Hillwood

Big Bob's Beeper Emporium

I groaned as I woke up in my "room", actually a storage closet in the all-but defunct Emporium. It wasn't the most comfortable place, and I usually had my share of aches whenever I woke up in that cramped space, but today, it felt worse than normal. My blood felt hot, my joints were stiff, and there were some really unusual pains… in my shoulder blades, my sides, the base of my spine, and my forehead.

Great, just what I need. To get sick, just as our health insurance lapsed.

I dressed in my usual pink jumper and bow and headed upstairs to the main level. The break room was now our makeshift kitchen. I rummaged around to see if anyone had bothered to pick up anything edible. Ha. Fat chance of that. Miriam was dozing, her head on the break room table. She had a good drool going on, so it had probably been a while. Probably sleeping off last night's hangover. This would be starting early even for her.

I finally did manage to find a Belveeta packet, which would have to do. I stuffed it into my backpack and made a break for the door before…

"HEY, MISSY! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?"

…Big Bob spotted me.

I sighed. "School, Bob. You know… that place I go every single weekday of every single week of every single year."

"Don't get wise with me, Olga. You know we do inventory every single morning."

"It's… Helga. And let me save you the trouble. The inventory is exactly the same as it was yesterday. Because you didn't sell anything, Because you will never sell anything. Because nobody… buys… beepers anymore. This store is the appendix of the retail world. Except, not really, because occasionally appendixes explode."

"That's quitter talk, girlie. This is just a slump. Soon, people will realize smartphones are a fad, and I'll be on top again!"

"Oh, silly me. Who am I to doubt you? Why, I bet soon we'll be able to expand into other high-demand merchandise! Like BUGGY WHIPS and POWDERED WIGS!"

"Don't talk back to me! I didn't take that talk from Lloyd when he tried to buy me out, and I'm not taking it from you!"

"You don't have to. I'm LEAVING" I said, stomping out and slamming the door for good measure.

I'd been there last night when Rhonda's dad had come by. I hadn't been there for the entire conversation, but enough to get the gist.

"Look, … you'll find that this is a more than reasonable offer. This is a prime location, the building is in good condition, I can liquidate your remaining inventory…"

"Not interested."

" … Bob…you're not going to get a better offer, You'll be able to get a real place to live, start fresh in a new business… I can help financially there too.."

"I'm not about to throw away twenty years of work just because a bunch of hipsters decided that beepers aren't 'cool' anymore. You'll see, Buckminster. It's people like you who don't know what it means to build something. You had everything handed to you. Trust fund, supermodel wife, family name. I MADE this. Myself. No help."

"You're right, Bob. Maybe I don't know about starting from scratch. But I DO know what it's like to lose everything. If you keep going this way, you WILL lose everything."

Bob glared at the wealthy investor. "Get off my property, Lloyd."

So that was it. Bob had been handed a golden ticket back to, if not the top, at east back to a fighting chance. And he'd turned it down out of sheer stubbornness.

Although that would mean that I'd owe salvation to Princess's dad, and I'm not sure that it'd be worth it. She'd probably lord it over me.

"Hey, Helga" came a familiar voice. Ah, my light, my life, he of the flaxen, unruly tresses and verdant orbs, come to repel the wretched shadows from choking my heart. Would I could but express to all the sheer joy you bring to my life, but alas, my insecurities are like a chain upon my throat, choking the words from escaping…

"What's up, football head?" I say. What was once a scornful insult was now almost a term of endearment between the two of us. "We gotta stop meeting like this. People might talk."

"Yeah," Arnold agreed. "They might think we're a couple or something."

"A couple of what?" I replied. Arnold laughed. We'd had this exact exchange a dozen times in the last few weeks.

We weren't sure what this was, exactly. I liked him. He liked me. He knew I liked him. I knew he liked me. We had stolen moments, here and there, but I insisted we keep everything on the down-low. Gerald knew, of course; he'd been there at the start. Phoebe, naturally, had picked up on it right away. I was fairly sure it stopped there. If it had gotten any further Princess would've spread it all over the school and Harold would be sneering at the two of us at every opportunity.

He looked me over." Are you okay, Helga? You look… flushed."

"It's nothing, Arnoldo. Just… just some weird new flu bug or something." I dismissed his concern, but the truth was, I was starting to feel worse. Hotter, more pained…it felt like something was trying to bore through my skull.

It only got worse as we got to school. My insides felt like they were churning. I felt dizzy, nauseous…did I mention dizzy? Also dizzy…

Arnold had noticed as well, especially when I stumbled on the school steps. "Okay, that's it, I'm taking you to the nurse."

"If it'll make you sleep better at night, football-head," I grumbled. Oh, Arnold… so gallant, so selfless, so attentive to my needs!

Nurse Shelly sat me down on the examination table (Arnold had reluctantly gone to class after I shoed him off, insisting I'd be fine (I was pretty sure). "You definitely look like you might me feverish", she said to me, preparing a thermometer. "It could be something going around. Another sixth-grader has been out for the last two days."

Right, I thought as she popped the thing in my mouth. Lloyd's probably nursing a broken nail or something. The only thing Rhonda ever suffered from was drama.

"Right, well, let's have a look at that," the nurse said, removing the thermometer. Her eyes popped wide open. "Oh, dear… that… that can't be right. This says… 120. It… it must be defective…" she said, hurriedly shoving a second one in my mouth, all the while the pain was getting even worse in my back, like something was trying to push its way out.

"120 again…something is most definitely wrong h-" I cut her off with a scream as the pain got so intense I couldn't hold it in anymore. Her attention was drawn back to me, and the thermometer dropped from her fingers as she stared in dull shock. "….no…that is most definitely not right. I've…NEVER seen that before…"

I probed the area with my fingers, the pain having peaked and now dropped to a dull ache. Two growths of flesh and bone had forced their way through the back of my dress. "What the…" I felt them flinch as I touched them. "No shinola that's not right! What the heck are these things?"

"I… this is way beyond my school nurse training, dear. I have to call this in." She hurriedly dialed. "CDC? Yes, I have a… I don't know what it is. Extremely high temperature, deeply flushed complexion and… growths on the back! No… they're too even and symmetrical to be tumors… if I didn't know better I'd say they were… new limbs? What? Twenty minutes? Oh, thank you. We don't want anyone else exposed to this."

"What? What is it? What do I have?" I was frantic. You would be too if new body parts were popping out of you. I mean, I'm that age, there are supposed to be changes coming, but I'm pretty sure back-knob-things aren't one of them!

"They'll be here soon, just try to relax," the nurse said, obviously unable to take her own advice, backing away from this unfamiliar sight.

Twenty minutes later. Nurse Shelley had backed as far away as she could while still keeping an eye on me, a surgical mask covering her mouth and nose. By now I could feel other things changing inside me. My second and third fingers were having trouble separating, as were my fourth and fifth. The spurs on my back were getting longer, and I could bend them in the middle by thinking about it. Even my hair seemed a little longer.

Masked and uniformed people burst in through the door at precisely twenty minutes. "CDC, ma'am, we'll take it from here," the one in charge said, ushering me out of the room.

"Careful with the merchandise, bucko," I grumbled, as they rushed me down the empty hall (probably blocked off my more of the goons) and into a waiting van. As they threw me into the back, I yelled "Crminy, you gorillas better watch where you—"

My last thought as one of them jammed the taser into my side was You know, I don't think these guys are CDC, before tens of thousands of volts put an end to it.

Author's note: Well, that's a hell of a way to end your first chapter!

So… been a while, hasn't it? Yeah, I kinda fell into a slump, and then life got away from me, and before you know it, TEN YEARS. And wow, I left a lot of stuff unfinished, and honestly, it's been such a long time that I've kinda forgotten what I even wanted to do with them. Honestly, I feel like others could probably do the ideas more justice, so as of now, I'm releasing all my stuff. Anyone who wants to continue any of my stuff or use any of my concepts is free to do so; just let me know about it before you do, because I'd really love to see what you do with it.

As for this… this is basically a Rhondagenesis reboot, but instead of supernatural, it'll be a sci-fi/buddy comedy. Helga's gonna be aboard because everyone loves Helga, right? This'll be in-continuity with the Jungle Movie, and I'll be trying to alternate the POV with each chapter. We'll check in with Rhonda in the next one, see how she's doing.

Thanks to all of you for your support in the past, and I'll try to keep myself motivated for this project. Thanks also to Craig Bartlett for creating these characters, and to Francesca Smith and Olivia Hack for bringing them to life.