Eyes Wide Open
*Spoilers for Mockingjay*
-The end has come, the war is over, the battle has been won. Lives have been lost, and those left must pick up the pieces. This is the tale of Gale and how he learned to move on without Katniss.-
I see their faces when I close my eyes. I see the eyes of children that will never see the world again. Her face, her smile, her eyes, she haunts me, every time I close my eyes. So I keep my eyes open so they stay away.
I keep myself busy. Throwing myself into my work. People leave me alone for the most part, the war is a tabooed subject around me. I suppose they think it will make me crazy, set me off.
I still think about her, she has a way with digging into my heart. Her nails are almost like claws, talons that dig in and won't let go. I will never be able to let her go, even if I want to. She will always be with me, even though she's districts away.
I didn't want to leave her, I still feel guilty as hell for leaving. But I did it for her. Everything that I did was for her, for her family. Except for my vote at her trial, I did that for her, not for her mother. As her best friend, I know her better then she knows herself sometimes, and sometimes I don't know her at all. But when I cast my vote, I knew exactly what she wanted, and that was death. My last gift to her was her execution. In the end, it didn't matter, she was pardoned, claimed to be a lunatic by her doctor.
Katniss Everdeen, the girl on fire. I know that she is back in twelve, I know that I will never see her again. My Catnip has moved on, moved away. I am just a distant memory, one that she never wants to remember.
I try not to let it bother me. It's not supposed to bother me, I'm a war hero, I did what I did to save the world. Casualties happen in war, that's the way it is. And it worked, the war is over, the rebels won.
The truth is, the rebels did drop those parachutes, onto a sea of children, and even though I didn't order the drop, I still feel guilty. No one knows who was in the hovercraft that released the bombs, and no one is coming forth with the information, but I know it was the rebels. Beetee and I were the ones who designed the bombs. I never ever thought that they would be used to kill Prim.
Would I of still designed them if I had known the outcome. If someone had warned me that the bombs would kill Prim and a bunch of other children, would I still have made them. Even though the bombs ruined my friendship with Katniss, even though they ended Prim's life, yes, I still would have designed them. But I probably would have prevented them from getting dropped. Those children were sacrificed to save everyone else, but they were still innocent children with bright futures ahead.
She still means the world to me, and I hope that she is happy. My sources tell me that she is safe and happy in twelve. That she and Peeta are to be married for real this time. The star-crossed lovers are finally able to have their happy ending.
I see her face when I close my eyes. The last time I saw her was when she confronted me about the bomb, when I told her that I didn't know whose it was. "Does it matter? You'll always be thinking about it," I had said.
Her face had fallen, as if it had given in to my monstrosity. She hadn't wanted to believe it at first, but she will always see me as the cause of Prim's death. So will I for that matter.
My small dwelling in two is filled with flowers, only two types of flowers, but they inhabit the house. Me, Katniss and Primrose, the only way that I can be with them.
My eyes close, they have been open for way too long. It is time to face my demons, time to learn to forgive myself. Katniss Everdeen, the girl who was on fire, fills my mind, consumes my every thought.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, though I know it will do me no good, she is not in hearing distance, yet I can almost see her open her eyes and give me her wide-eyed look.