EreRi

Blame-Game

My footsteps echoed eerily throughout the silent halls of the castle. The mission had been an utter failure, and the list of causalities only seems to grow. We had returned with our heads hung low and no one dared make eye contact with either Levi-heicho or Commander Irwin, only sparing somber glances at our comrades as they passed us by. Everyone seemed to dispatch instantly as soon as we were dismissed, each and everyone of us disappearing into our rooms with hardly a word. I clenched my fists tightly at my sides, That female titan...I growled mentally, she slaughtered dozens of us! Dozens of my comrades! My friends!The words themselves seemed to burn me as they echoed within my thoughts.

I continued down the maze of hallways, wandering aimlessly, desperate to escape the deafening silence of the castle. Each and every door I passed was closed tightly shut, showing no sign of opening. I swallowed the lump that was rising in my throat and hastened my pace. I needed to move, I couldn't possibly sit still; not now. Slowly my steps hastened still, growing faster and faster with every step until I was sprinting across the stone floor. I didn't bother trying to steady my breath, or search for judgmental eyes that may be gawking at my strange behavior. I could only run. Run from the words that I couldn't bring myself to say aloud, or even to myself. I couldn't bear to hear them.

The sandy stone walls came to an end, bursting into the courtyard that sat empty, bathing in the golden light of the setting sun. I skidded to a stop, taking the chilled air of the evening deep into my lungs hoping it would stop the burning. I glanced around the area, searching for familiar faces only to find nothing but the same silence that I had been running from before. I simply stood there in the center of the courtyard, my head hanging down, staring at the chipped and worn stone below my boots where so many others have stood before.

"Why must our lives be so easily taken from us.." I whispered to myself, my nails digging into the flesh of my palm. My voice deepened to a growl, "I don't understand!"

As the words left my lips the sound of footsteps appeared behind me, coming from the same direction I had just came through moments before. I twisted myself around to face the oncoming steps of an unfamiliar face. It was an older member, not one of the newer recruits that I knew. His expression was weathered and torn, the marks and scars that laid scattered across his skin served as proof of his service; no doubt from his various expeditions outside the walls. I watched him approach me, slowly coming to a stop several feet from me. He didn't speak at first, only stared at me with a disconcerting darkness in his eyes. I felt my body tense at his presence.

"Is it true?" He demanded shakily, his voice failing to remain clear of his obvious distress. I blinked at him, not understanding his question.

"I-Is what true, Sir..?" I asked nervously, making sure to remain respectful of his higher rank. His brow furrowed in contempt at my question.

"Don't play dumb with me!" He barked, a hand raising to press against his forehead in frustration. "I overheard that Armin kid talking while we were out there. He said that you were-" his voice caught, "-that you were what that thing was after."

My heart dropped to my stomach as those words left his lips, my breath catching in my throat as I stared at him. "I-"

"IS. IT. TRUE?!" His voice boomed throughout the emptiness of the courtyard. I cringed at his sudden animosity, then let my gaze fall to the floor. I was silent, choosing my words carefully.

"I believe so, yes..."

The darkness that stained his eyes melted to disgust, leaking into his words as spoke. "So it is true... You're the reason that all of my friends are dead." My head snapped up at his words, eyes stretching wide as if his words had physically struck me. He continued, his knuckles going white at his sides. "Everything we've done for the past few weeks has been because of you. And now I'm the last one of all my friends, all because you showed up here and had us throw our lives away on a goddamn suicide mission!"

"We could never have expected a titan like that to show up." My voice sounded distant, even to my own ears. Why am I defending myself? I wondered emptily. "No amount of planning could have predicted that."

The man scoffed resentfully, "We would never have had a reason to even go on that mission if it weren't for you!" He took several steps forward, closing the distance between us. I reflexively stepped back at his movements, my skin prickling with the rising tension. "You're the one to blame for everything! You're why they're dead! YOU KILLED THEM!"

His fist came slamming into my jaw, sending me fumbling backwards onto the ground. Burning pain shot through my jaw as a familiar warmth flooded my taste buds; blood. He approached me again, looming over me with hate filled eyes that were clouded by tears. I made no move to defend myself as his boot came flying into my chest, knocking the air from my lungs. I buckled over coughing, blood dripping from my mouth as I heaved, clutching at my chest.

Then came another swift kick to my stomach, and another, and another. "You killed them! You killed them!" he chanted, each kick more powerful then the last. He bent down to grab the collar of my shirt, yanking me harshly to my knees only to slam his knuckles into my face once again. Only he didn't let me fall to the floor this time, instead he held tight to my shirt, keeping me in range of his fist. My head hung heavily to the side, a piercing ringing filled my ears as my vision blurred in and out with every blink. The hits kept coming one after the other, his chanting "Murderer!" faded into the ringing until I couldn't hear him anymore.

His grip tightened on my collar, raising me up to hit me once again. I waited for the impact, but it didn't come. Before I could open my eyes to look at why he might be hesitating his grip disappeared from my shirt and I collapsed back down to the stone ground, my lungs gasping for air to fill its battered spaces. My mouth tasted of nothing but warm iron with each and every breath I took. The ringing in my ears slowly declined to where I could hear again and I forced my eyes to flicker open. Between me and the man who had been attacking me stood Corporal Rivaille, his hand grasping firmly around the other mans wrist while his eyes glared narrowly up at him. Slowly his voice became clearer to my still ringing ears.

"...ever catch you laying a finger on him again, I'll break your entire goddamn hand, you got that?" Rivaille's voice was low, yet still held every bit of its power. I tried to look over at the man from before, but Rivaille blocked his face from view. "Your comrades died by mine and the commanders orders. This brat has nothing to do with it."

"Th-They're all—dead, corporal...!" I heard him whimper as I watched his knees shake beneath him. At that moment I felt only pity for the man who had been attacking me moments before. He wasn't angry with me, I knew that. I was simply an outlet for his own self hatred. Even though his words held truth, his judgment is far from clear...

"Yeah, a lot of people are dead. You can blame me if it makes you feel better, but taking it out on this kid isn't going to bring them back." Despite his stern and commanding tone, there was an underlying sympathy to his words. "Now get out of my sight."

"Ye-Yes sir..."

And with that the man walked off without another word or glance in Rivaille's direction. A wave of dizziness swept across my mind as the shock and pain began to set in. Corporal turned to face me once my assailant had completely disappeared down from the courtyard, his expression remaining expressionless as always. I opened my mouth to speak,

"H-Hei-cho, I'm sorry..." I coughed breathlessly as I attempted to push myself up from the ground.

"Shut up," he snapped, kneeling down to scoop my battered body into his arms.

"Hei-cho, no! I can-" I protested, only to be cut short.

"I said shut up, Eren. That was an order."

"Y-Yes, sir..." I spoke as my voice faded into another fit of coughs.

Rivaille carried me across his chest with was felt like compete ease. He's much stronger than he looks, I thought silently to myself. I felt myself lean into him, finally allowing my eyes to fall shut and savor the warmth that radiated off Heicho's chest. I hadn't realized how cold I'd become until I was next to something so warm. Corporal is strong and kind. That is why so many of us look up to him.

Corporals voice cut my sentiments short, "Oi, Eren, you still conscious?" I nodded. "Good. Stay that way for a while, I've got something to discuss with you."

I nodded again, "Understood..."

I found myself fading in and out of consciousness as Rivaille continued to carry me, losing myself in his warmth. My eyes flickered open, glancing around my surroundings. I was in room, laid down neatly on my bed. I pushed myself up onto my elbows, cringing at the soreness that clung to my chest from where I had been kicked so harshly. I could tell I had already begun to heal most of the superficial injuries and the taste of blood was fading from my mouth.

"Didn't I tell you to stay conscious?" It was Rivaille's voice. He was sitting on a chair across the room from me, legs crossed elegantly as he leaned his chin against his knuckle. "Can't you even follow simple orders like that?"

I swallowed hard, pushing myself the rest of the way up to meet his dark, narrow eyes. "S-Sorry, sir. I couldn't help it."

Rivaille scoffed, "Must you always be such a pain in the ass?" As he spoke the words he stood from his chair and walked over to stand over me, eyes looming down onto me. "Eren..."

"Yes, Sir?"

He paused, "Do you agree with him?" His question caught me off guard,

"What do you mean, sir?"

His eyes narrowed into slits as he dropped himself down to lean his hands on the edge of my bed, staring me directly in the eye. "Do you think that he was right? Do you think you're to blame for everyone that died?"

The realization hit me, recalling everything that the man had said while I allowed him to take out his frustration on me. My eyes fell to my hands in my lap.

"Answer me." he commanded.

"I... don't disagree with him..." It was true. The words that I had been running away from to begin with, the words that I couldn't bring myself to say were those exact words that he had said. I was the reason so many people were dead.

"You're stupider than I though then, brat." I didn't look up at him, I simply continued to stare down at my open hands, imagining the amount of blood that stains them. Rivaille hesitated for a moment, staring down at me as I looked guiltily at my hands. "It's not your fault, Eren." He said slowly, his eyes not once leaving mine. I felt my heart speed up at his closeness.

"Maybe not completely," I began, clutching at the fabric of my pants, trying not to break away from Rivaille's gaze. "but I can't help but take responsibility for being the reason for the number of casualties..."

Rivaille's hand came up and cupped my chin, bringing my face just inches away from his own. My heart started racing and I could feel my cheeks flush involuntarily. "Listen to me, you stubborn brat, I am telling you that trying to shoulder the weight of those deaths will do nothing but get you killed the next time." My eyes widened in surprise, "Every single person that gave their lives did so with honor and purpose; don't sully their death with your guilt. It's because of their sacrifice that we were able to make it back at all, got it?"

The way he spoke those words was almost just as much to himself as it was to me. Rivaille probably carries the weight of every life lost on his shoulders. He's even willing to take the blame for other people's mistakes just so they don't have to suffer the same pain that he does. Heicho is truly selfless...

Tears slowly swelled in my eyes as I continued to gaze into Rivaille's dark, serious eyes. I looked away, embarrassed for showing such emotion in front of him. I lifted my hand to wipe away my tears, only to find that Rivaille's hand had already left my chin and moved to wipe my tears himself. His hand lingered on my cheek, holding my face lightly in his hand. I wonder what he's thinking... being so close like this...

"Heicho..." I muttered breathlessly but determined to continue, "It's not all your burden to bear either. I know that I'm just a monster, but I want to be of use to humanity... and to you. Even if it means shouldering the weight with you. It's the least I can do..."

For a moment he was silent his eyes widening at my sudden words. He lowered himself to sit beside me on the edge of the bed; I could tell he was contemplating his answer carefully. "I think you're a lot of things, shitty brat." With those words he drew even closer, leaving our lips hovering over each other, our breath mixing in the space between us. The tips of his bangs tickled my forehead as they hung. My face felt like it was on fire and my heart pounded against my chest. His breath was even and cool against my flaming skin. "But...just a monster..." He grazed his lips over mine, withdrawing just before they could fully meet. "No."

And with that, he closed the distance, his lips meeting mine for the first time. The fog that had clouded my mind disappeared with the heat of Heicho's contact, leaving me utterly breathless. The hand that had cradled my cheek slid down my face to rest on my neck, sending waves of heat through my body at his every touch. His soft kiss pressed farther into me, forcing my lips apart for him to slide his tongue though the gap. My hand reached up for him, grasping at the back of his neck, desperately trying to keep myself connected with him.

Slowly he pulled himself away, still keeping himself inches away from myself. "Does that answer your question?" He asked almost teasingly, the corner of his lip twitching upwards into the beginnings of a smirk. I searched for a response, but I was too breathless to answer in any form of words. Instead, I only smiled at him, took his face between my hands and pulled him back down into another deep kiss.

Together we can shoulder each others guilt and sorrow. He won't have to do it all on his own anymore...